Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

My Snowflake Son Won’t Stop Calling My Hilarious College Pranks “Sexual Assault”

Posted on July 12, 2021 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

College kids these days can’t take a joke! Joe Rogan says so in every episode. With my eldest boy headin’ off to college, I needed to crack a couple a’ cold ones and pass down the handbook of all the sickest college pranks. Panty Raids, Shower Cams, Teabagging; they didn’t call me the ‘Nut Ninja’ for nothin’! I didn’t wanna believe Mr. Rogan, but like two minutes into our first ever man-to-man conversation, he starts throwin’ around words like ‘sexual assault’!

Accusations like that can ruin a man’s life! We were the funniest dudes you’d ever wanna drop Jager bombs and root through girls’ panty drawers with, but we weren’t criminals! Sure, the cops came, but once those chicks knew they’d never get invited to another party, and the cops saw we were good kids, they knew not to fuck up our whole future over innocent little pranks.

Sexual assault?! I never drugged nobody! But hey, if you fell asleep in the Tri-State area between ‘99 and ‘03, chances are you had my nuts all up in your grill, boyeee. Portable CD player in one hand, deez nutz in the other, and boom! You woke up to the sweet sounds of Eazy E’s Nuts On Ya Chin, and the sweet smell of my nuts on ya chin! It wasn’t gay or nothin’, just how it was in my day. What should I do, wake him up and ask for consent to put my nuts on his forehead? Then what, ask those girls to let me film them showering? Where’s the prank in that?

When did kids today get so sensitive? I guess they missed out on Jackass, and it’s a shame too, cus I want him to have a bangin’ college experience like me. But using words like ‘rape culture’ and ‘toxic masculinity’ like he’s a chick or something, he’s gonna get his ass kicked. What next, you’re gonna tell me our ‘Asian’ and ‘Ghetto’ themed parties were racist? They’re just themes, bro, like mermaids or zombies!

It’s actually pretty messed up of him to try and make me feel bad about my best memories. Think about it, if what I did could now be considered sexual assault, then I would have to reconcile that with the things I did and feel horrible. That’s a bad prank, son!

I dunno, maybe I should’ve talked to him more before his snowflake friends turned him. But don’t worry, I took these gems to his twelve year old brother! The kid was laughin’ his ass off! So, have fun at college with your Call of Duty and protests or whatever. It’s not like you can even get laid anymore with all this #metoo stuff!

REPORT: Mic Stand Fucking Sucks

Posted on July 12, 2021 by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — The lone mic stand at music venue The Kick Drum in eastern Los Angeles “fucking blows” and won’t stop drooping down seconds after tightening it, according to multiple reports from disgruntled performers.

“I’m usually a peaceful, chill person: I go to yoga and smoke a worrisome amount of weed,” explained Rebecca Cox, a psych-folk artist scheduled to play tonight. “But no breathing exercise can help me contain my rage while tightening this goddamn K&M mic stand for the twelfth time, only to watch it sag down in slow motion. My fingers hurt and I’m supposed to play a 12-string acoustic guitar tonight!”

“I asked at sound check if they had another mic stand,” Cox continued while a vein near her eye bulged out boldly. “The sound engineer said they did, but of course it’s missing its fucking mic clip, so it’s worthless. Just like every mic stand. They all suck.”

Musicians aren’t the only ones who struggle with the ever-faulty König & Meyer microphone stand.

“I host an open-mic comedy night here every 3rd Wednesday, and I fully attribute our empty crowds to that shitty mic stand,” explained comedian Maxwell Comb. “That thing is one-third of all the props necessary for stand-up, the others being the mic and stool. If all three aren’t perfect, the crowd can feel the weird vibe and won’t laugh at my solid Paris Hilton jokes that killed back in 2004.”

For its part, the mic stand defended its ability to hold a microphone and questioned users’ expectations.

“People are never going to try to really understand me — I accepted this years ago,” said the gunmetal gray microphone stand. “You can’t just stick my boom arm all the way out and expect me to hold it still with just a thumb screw! Did everyone who comes through this venue fail physics class? Whatever. Considering the talent, it’s best no one hears anything at all anyway.”

A König & Meyer representative who was asked about whether the company had plans to create a microphone stand that “doesn’t suck ass” responded with hysterical laughter so strong that it led to vomiting.

Review: Tool “Opiate”

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Dom Turek

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Opiate,” the 1992 EP from Tool.

If you had mentioned Tool to me a year ago I would have assumed you were talking about a hammer, but in the last four months Tool has become one of the most defining and inescapable bands of my waking life. This is the fourth time I’ve listened to “Sweat” today, and it’s only noon, and it’s all thanks to my teenage son for getting “Opiate” jammed into my car’s CD player right before police sent him to a youth detention center for trying to light endangered birds on fire.

Clayton was sentenced to 16 months at Crossroads Juvenile Center but it seems like I’m the one doing time. Just once I’d like to drive to pilates without Maynard asking “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” and calling me a “Piece of shit.” Sure, I’ve thought about switching to the radio or even buying a new car altogether, but it’s of no use. Once you’ve listened to something enough, it becomes its own kind of tinnitus.

The first time I heard “Opiate” I assumed it was a Christian rock group because of lyrics like, “Jesus Christ why don’t you save my life now,” and “My God’s will becomes me when he speaks.” I was almost convinced all those times we dragged Clayton to church kicking and screaming and threatening to kill us in our sleep had paid off, but then the song ended with Maynard and Jesus planning to rape someone and I realized I was in for a long ride to work.

I relish the stolen moments between song changes and imagine something more wholesome playing, like Karen Carpenter of The Beach Boys, but then the chaotic baseline creeps in and a strained voice starts loosely outlining the ideals of Marxism, and I’m hurdled back to reality. Sometimes I wish Clayton had jammed his Papa Roach CD in here instead.

Last week I pulled up to my great aunt’s memorial service while “Jerk Off” blared from the car windows and I realized my life could be separated into before and after “Opiate” was jammed into my Toyota Camry. Those six tracks repeat in my head whether I’m in the car or not, which is something I can only liken to water torture, and for this, I must admit “Opiate” is the single most influential album of my entire life.

Score: 4/4 dead songbirds

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Woman’s Longest Relationship is With Tab That’s Been Open On Her Browser Since 2016

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Ted Pillow

SAN FRANCISCO — Christine Walker’s longest-running relationship is with a travel guide to Kyoto that’s been open as a browser tab on her laptop for five years, confirmed sources impressed with her apparent ability to avoid software updates.

“Just because we’re in a global pandemic, I only have $300 in my bank account, and I don’t have a passport doesn’t mean I won’t go to Kyoto eventually,” the 29-year-old Walker explained. “Dating has been hard the last year, but I get a lot of comfort from the 50 or so browser tabs I refuse to close for articles I haven’t read, recipes I haven’t tried, and DIY projects I haven’t started. If you ask me, managing all these tabs is a pretty big commitment. I may not have a significant other, but I do have a deep bond with the Wikipedia entry for the Bermuda Triangle, which I plan on reading at some point before I die.”

Walker’s friends have had some concerns regarding the perennially unread tabs.

“I’m not worried that Christine isn’t in a long-term romantic relationship,” noted friend Courtney Harrison. “If that’s what she wants, she’ll find it. But keeping a tab open for the time it takes to earn a bachelor’s degree? Just read it or close it, for Christ’s sake, you can Google it again. Looking at her computer is enough to send me spiraling. The number of icons she has on her desktop is completely fucking unhinged. Seriously, I’m talking full on boomer status.”

Relationship experts agreed that Walker’s situation is an increasingly common one.

“People are waiting longer to settle down, get married, and have kids,” stated Natalie Greene, host of a podcast about dating. “That means looking to other areas of life for the stability that relationships can bring. Usually, people find that reassurance in their job or from friends, pets, or productive hobbies, but browser tabs can also be a source of support. For me, it’s the pile of unopened mail that’s been sitting on my kitchen counter for several years. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be able to pass it down to my children.”

As of press time, Walker had finally decided to close the Kyoto travel guide tab so that she could commit more time to almost reading an article about the best eyebrow pencils of 2018.

Report: Unclear If Headphones Broken or That’s Just How Neutral Milk Hotel Supposed to Sound

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Erin McLaughlin

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local man Gabriel Danforth is plagued with uncertainty about whether his 13-month-old Skullcandy headphones are broken after hearing a concerning staticky noise, or if fuzz-folk is to blame, sympathetic sources confirmed.

“It was a literal nightmare,” said Danforth. “I was walking down the street when I noticed the static sound, and I freaked out because if I don’t have music to distract me, I start thinking too much and that always leads to trouble. I tried to keep the phone stiff in my hand for a bit, until I remembered that ‘Song Against Sex’ sounds like a bass is going through a meat processor. Honestly, the playlist I made pre-Lexapro could be responsible for this whole thing.”

Jason Zheng, an employee at the Shell gas station, witnessed Danforth’s frantic experience.

“He ran in all out of breath and asked if we had ‘any of those rip-off Apple dongle thingies,’” said Zheng while restocking Mountain Dew Code Red. “But then it suddenly looked like a lightbulb went off over his head. After circling the headphone stand for what seemed like an eternity and buying a pack of Marb Reds, he recited some lyrics about aeroplanes and communism and rushed out.”

Doctor Jane LoPresto, a music therapist, noted the psychological effects of Danforth’s experience.

“People often undergo severe psychological stress when they think that they need to purchase yet another pair of headphones,” said Doctor LoPresto. “Most obsessively thumb the wire to keep it in the perfect position when they think they hear the dreaded static. But really, they just need to stop listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and Alex G and finally invest in some goddamn Bluetooth headphones. 90% of the time, stress levels significantly decrease when they switch to a hi-fi pop song.”

At press time, Danforth is undecided about whether he should add his current headphones to the graveyard of the ones in his nightstand drawer, or if his recent Neutral Milk Hotel binge is a cause for him to stop ghosting his therapist.

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I Have a Medical Exemption for Your ‘No Shirt, No Shoes’ Rule Too

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Nariko Ott

Umm, actually, no, you can’t kick me out of this Wawa. My doctor said I can be in here. This note right here makes me exempt from your mask mandate. What’s that? You don’t require masks anymore? Well hold on, let me find my other note that says I’m medically exempt from your whole “no shirt, no shoes” bullshit too.

Keep your laws off my torso! And feet too, I guess, but I have flip flops in the car and I’ll go get those if I absolutely have to.

Look, my health is more important than your feelings or the Pennsylvania ServSafe Food Safety Program. Sorry, but you’re basically Hitler working a cash register right now. See, this is the land of the free, and those freedoms include “freeing the nipple,” like Benjamin Franklin, Sam Adams, and the rest of our topless founding fathers intended.

And my God, why are we allowing the Deep State and Wawa to force our feet into Skechers brand foot prisons? My feet are stained with the soil of America, buddy. Soil that our brave soldiers died thousands of miles away for oil for.

So in accordance with the Americans With Disabilities Act of 1990, which Republicans like me opposed, not only will I not be putting on a shirt, shoes, or mask; I will also not be wearing any helmet, seatbelt, or glasses when I drive. Or pants. See, I also have a medical condition where my “Proud Boys” need 10-12 hours of sunlight a day, or else they develop “holster rash” according to Dr. Eastwood.

Now can I please just purchase this 10-pack of Fireball shots for those teenagers over there?

Local Basement Venue Lifted Mask Mandate Last March

Posted on July 11, 2021 by John Hedrick

NEW YORK — Local venue Splatz Diner got a head start on lifting the mask mandate by declaring masks unnecessary since March 27, 2020, sources said.

“We tried the whole ‘social distancing’ thing but it just didn’t work with our venue. Typically everyone would adhere to the CDC guidelines but as soon as a breakdown hit, there was no way to have a socially distant pit, so we had to improvise,” explained venue owner Zach “Splatz” McPherson. “Even though we didn’t have a mask ordinance in place at our spot, I saw a bunch of people only lowering theirs to talk into the person’s ear who was next to them, so they could hear OK, and to do breath checks to make sure they weren’t too sloppy to drive home. We were all in that together, and still take the safety of the scene seriously.”

Although recent research shows that vaccines are effective without masks, some venue attendees are still hesitant to go to shows.

“The pandemic hit New York really hard in 2020 and I still think about that when I go out,” stated attendee Emma Hernandez. “Even though I’m vaccinated now, I would never step foot in that shithole ever again, that place is disgusting. It’ll be the epicenter of COVID until 2082. There’s no windows, the litter box is just the entire floor, and I’ve seen people having ‘pillow fights’ with the insulation that’s falling out of the drop ceiling. One time my friend and I went to a show there before the pandemic and I think he might have actually gotten polio. Lesson learned.”

Despite the outright refusal to adhere to CDC guidelines on behalf of the venue and many like it, experts expressed a silver lining.

“As we enter the end of this round of the COVID pandemic here in the United States, people are excited to get back out there and enjoy the things they didn’t get to do all year, or in some cases, continued to do quietly the entire time,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci. “While we witness a steady decline in positive COVID-19 diagnoses over the last few months, the number of common cold and flu rates, positive STD tests, and mass shootings haven’t changed at all since February 2020 thanks to these efforts.”

In order to make people feel more safe, Splatz has begun to offer vaccines to anyone who pays a $10 cover.

Oil Lobbyist Gets Targeted Ad for Politician He Just Bought

Posted on July 10, 2021 by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — Harold Fortner, a lobbyist for a major petroleum company, reportedly received a targeted ad on his Facebook account for a politician he had already purchased this week.

“I’d finally buckled down and decided to buy this Missouri Congressman. This was the first politician I bought so I did a lot of research into how easily he can be swayed. I was happy with my purchase until I started getting a bunch of targeted ads for the same guy I just bought. I don’t need two of the same guy,” Fortner said. “It feels like a real breach of privacy that social media companies can just insert themselves into my life like this. I can’t believe that this corporation thinks my values can be so easily manipulated without promising some sort of kickback.”

Tracy Samuels, a Senior Vice President at Directions, an agency that focuses on digital ad placement, said that politicians are one of the major products advertised on social media today.

“Listen, we have so many of these politicians for sale we don’t even know what to do with the inventory. We recently ran a series of ads for a bundle of Texas Republicans that received a lot of engagement,” Samuels explained. “Some people assume the ads are based on things they’ve said or some surveillance, but it’s much simpler than that. We blanket Facebook with ads for anyone that’s interested in certain key phrases like ‘fracking,’ ‘pay to play,’ or ‘corporate malfeasance.’”

A freshman Congressman, who spoke to us anonymously, confirmed that he is only one of a glut of legislators being advertised online at the moment.

“I’ve already filed legislation that will force Big Tech to start doing a better job when trying to sell politicians. A lobbyist needs new options to keep them interested, we can’t have these financiers getting frustrated by ads and then going overseas,” the Congressman admitted. “That’s the sort of excess and inefficiency I came to Washington to fix. I’ve had amazing bipartisan support and I hope that by this time next month we will finally see some reform that helps serve the petroleum industry’s ability to grease palms.”

At press time, Fortner reported that after seeing the promise of social media advertising and the growing possibilities in the field, he was considering a career move to lobbying for big tech.

“Beast Mode,” Whispers Man at Reopened Golden Corral

Posted on July 10, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local diner Bill Frakes reportedly walked into a recently reopened Golden Corral restaurant and whispered “beast mode” while staring at the rows of buffet tables, disconcerted sources confirmed.

“I kind of don’t know what came over me,” Frakes said while grabbing a stack of plates and heading to a hot bar stocked with various meatloafs. “I heard myself say those words, but I’ll be honest, I don’t exactly know what it means. All I know is that I have a deep, uncontrollable compulsion to go to fucking town on that chafing dish of mashed potatoes over there, even though I know they’re going to be somehow both gluey and dry. And then after that, those fried ravioli are going down.”

“I’m not entirely certain how I got here, though,” Frakes added, slopping gravy over his plate and hand. “I hope my car is outside.”

Fellow customer Karla Zielinski commented that Frakes had an unsettling energy, even for a buffet restaurant.

“That guy over there is giving off some real funny vibes,” Zielinski said, loading up from the “Manager’s Choice” pie and cake table. “He’s been pacing like a wild animal, just filling plate after plate from the pasta bar, then the Mexican rice tray, then straight over to the fried fish. I saw him grab a handful of piping hot fried tilapia like it was nothing. I swear I heard a sizzle and got hit with the distinct smell of burnt flesh.”

Sherman Baine, Store Manager of the Golden Corral location, was unsurprised by Frakes’ utterance and subsequent domination of the taco bar and attached quesadilla station.

“We’ve actually been seeing a lot of this since reopening,” Baine reported, his hand near a security walkie-talkie at all times. “Something about the restrictions being relaxed, the reduced-capacity limits going away…it’s awakened something. Something primal and dark within our customers. I’ve never seen people eat like this. It’s beginning to get in my dreams. I just see an endless chain of Midwesterners in khakis, their hands full of plates, their plates full of our signature Golden Delicious Shrimp. I can’t get a moment’s rest.”

As of press time, Frakes was seen frantically headed to the restroom whispering, “Saturdays are for the boys” for an unknown reason.

Opinion: The 1st Amendment Should Count Extra if You’re Drunk and Uninformed

Posted on July 10, 2021 by James Knapp

I may not know much, and probably even less so now after that eleventh Jager bomb, but the one thing I know for sure is that the 1st amendment means even more if you have no information whatsoever. The 1st amendment is the free speech thing, right? I’m feeling a little loopy right now.

There’s nothing more American than driving your Chevy pickup truck down to the local mom and pop grocery store to buy a fresh apple pie and then getting into a screaming drunken argument with the cashier about whether or not the moon landing was fake. That’s your God-given right as an American citizen and don’t let anyone sober or smart tell you otherwise.

I may not spend my time reading a lot of fancy books and news articles and stop signs like some elitist middle school graduate, but if anything that means I have even more of a right to tell the bartender about how this country lost its way the minute we decided to stop using possum pelts as currency.

My forefathers bled for my right to yell “fire!” in a crowded movie theater or “loose tiger!” in an understaffed zoo. And no amount of PC fascism or court mandated AA meetings can strip me of that right.

If you want to fight me about it, you can’t. That’s what the first amendment does. Shields me from criticism and any negative consequences for my actions. Wanna tell me that’s not actually what the 1st amendment does? Well, I just polished off an entire case of Bud Lime so right now my opinion means more than yours.

So sure, I may not have all the facts. But what I do have is a whole hell of a lot stronger. It’s the unwavering and completely unearned confidence that I know more than you, and that there’s a centuries-old document of boring-ass laws that can somehow justify it. Between that and the three Miller High Lifes left in my glove compartment, that’s America to me.

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Opiate,” the 1992 EP from Tool.

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