Toddler Who Found Dad’s Gun Finally Getting Some Respect Around Here

Posted on by Matt Bieker

CHATTANOOGA — Local three-year-old Joseph Rhoades is finally getting some goddamn respect in his household after finding his father’s semi-automatic handgun behind a bookshelf in the upstairs bedroom.

“No more nap time! I want ‘Paw Patrol’ now!” the toddler screamed, tapping the barrel of the loaded Glock 38 on the side of his highchair. “Mommy and Daddy were always bossing me around before, but I just point the big gun and go ‘bang’ and everybody does what I say. Maybe those times they laughed at me when I got spaghetti sauce all over my face aren’t so fucking funny now, huh?”

Mother Chrissie Rhoades was left to manage the new schedule of eating chocolate and destroying the pantry that her son has insisted upon, while father Mark Rhoades promises to “handle it” when he gets home.

“When Joey first found the gun, I was obviously worried about the safety aspect of things, but he knows that what he’s holding is not a toy—because his toy guns are much lighter and more brightly colored,” she said while hurriedly making her son his favorite snack. “He’s really come out of his shell since he started carrying it around. Although, it does make me nervous to see him sleep with it tucked into the waistband of his Huggies. Please don’t tell him I said that.”

Some sources close to the situation, like 15-year-old babysitter Eliott Meyer, recounted their concern about the new development.

“I mean, I kinda knew what this family was all about when I saw their Gadsden flag bumper sticker—but there’s an actual crisis situation going on in there,” said Meyer, pointing to the family’s suburban home from behind the truck in the driveway he was using for cover. “I gotta say, though, Joey does look pretty badass when he holds the gun sideways like that. I guess I’m sorry for calling him a whiny baby last weekend, and I definitely will not make the mistake of bringing him regular milk when he asks for strawberry ever again.”

At press time, sources stated that the child had packed the gun into his ‘Toy Story’ backpack in anticipation of preschool the following day while ‘Hotel Transylvania: Transformania’ ran on a loop in the family’s den for the seventh consecutive hour. When pressed for comment, the toddler answered that “The time for talking was way past over.”

Toddler Who Found Dad’s Gun Finally Getting Some Respect Around Here

Posted on by Matt Bieker

CHATTANOOGA — Local three-year-old Joseph Rhoades is finally getting some goddamn respect in his household after finding his father’s semi-automatic handgun behind a bookshelf in the upstairs bedroom.

“No more nap time! I want ‘Paw Patrol’ now!” the toddler screamed, tapping the barrel of the loaded Glock 38 on the side of his highchair. “Mommy and Daddy were always bossing me around before, but I just point the big gun and go ‘bang’ and everybody does what I say. Maybe those times they laughed at me when I got spaghetti sauce all over my face aren’t so fucking funny now, huh?”

Mother Chrissie Rhoades was left to manage the new schedule of eating chocolate and destroying the pantry that her son has insisted upon, while father Mark Rhoades promises to “handle it” when he gets home.

“When Joey first found the gun, I was obviously worried about the safety aspect of things, but he knows that what he’s holding is not a toy—because his toy guns are much lighter and more brightly colored,” she said while hurriedly making her son his favorite snack. “He’s really come out of his shell since he started carrying it around. Although, it does make me nervous to see him sleep with it tucked into the waistband of his Huggies. Please don’t tell him I said that.”

Some sources close to the situation, like 15-year-old babysitter Eliott Meyer, recounted their concern about the new development.

“I mean, I kinda knew what this family was all about when I saw their Gadsden flag bumper sticker—but there’s an actual crisis situation going on in there,” said Meyer, pointing to the family’s suburban home from behind the truck in the driveway he was using for cover. “I gotta say, though, Joey does look pretty badass when he holds the gun sideways like that. I guess I’m sorry for calling him a whiny baby last weekend, and I definitely will not make the mistake of bringing him regular milk when he asks for strawberry ever again.”

At press time, sources stated that the child had packed the gun into his ‘Toy Story’ backpack in anticipation of preschool the following day while ‘Hotel Transylvania: Transformania’ ran on a loop in the family’s den for the seventh consecutive hour. When pressed for comment, the toddler answered that “The time for talking was way past over.”

How To Recognize Disinformation Spread by Russian State Media or My Lying Ex-best Friend Denise

Posted on by Dianne Nora

As tensions mount across the world and within our communities, social media has become an invaluable source of information on the escalating conflicts at home and abroad. While many verified reports circulate across social media, these sites have also become a hotbed of misinformation about the Russian invasion of the sovereign nation of Ukraine, and of all the shit that went down when I thought my so-called “best friend” Denise was someone I could fucking trust.

Here are some tips to recognize the truth from disinformation, be they lies from the mouth of a callous, warmongering psychopath or from Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Read beyond the first line – One technique to spread false information online is to create an inflammatory but ultimately misleading headline or caption that fails to capture the reality of the situation. For example, Kremlin sources have suggested that they entered Ukraine to “De-Nazify the nation.” There’s much more to it than that. Another example is when Denise shared a screenshot of a text in which I said to the group chat that I was feeling guilty for hooking up with the cousin of my on-again-off-again boyfriend Kyle.

Check the date – Sharing articles or images as if they are breaking news, when they are in fact several years old, is a tried and true method of intentionally misrepresenting the facts. News stories shared from years passed could lead readers to believe the conflict in Ukraine was a civil war rather than an invasion, just as older posts from Denise could show we did get matching tattoos saying “Friends” and “Forever.” But more recent information would show mine now reads “Forever Young,” because I don’t need to spend time on anyone who can’t keep her fucking mouth shut.

Look out for unusual formatting – Kremlin websites may look like a recognizable URL but upon further examination, there may be unusual punctuation or inverted letters, like one that fuckhead Denise tries to text and it’s readily apparent she’s been drinking because she could never hold her tequila. At least spell my name right if you’re spreading shit about me to my friends, bitch.

Understand that images can be misleading – Photos and even videos you find online may be edited or presented out of context. Images you see of American jets flying over Ukraine or of me straddling Kyle’s cousin are obviously doctored. Everyone knows I would never hook up in a public hot tub.

Ask yourself some simple questions – Do you know who uploaded this content and why they chose to share it now? Like Ukraine, you may be a target of intentional propaganda circulated by the Kremlin or a sad loser who is clearly still obsessed with me.

Simple Plan Learns That Life Is a Nightmare In Their 40s Too

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

MONTREAL — Members of the pop-punk Simple Plan are having an existential crisis after realizing that life never really stopped being a nightmare as they got older, aching and bitter sources confirmed.

“When we wrote ‘I’m Just a Kid,’ we weren’t thinking of the big picture,” frontman Pierre Bouvier said as he iced his knee after a brief walk with his dog. “I don’t even run or jump around a whole lot, but here I am stretching and making sure I don’t eat too much sugar. Sébastien (Lefebvre) tried doing a guitar toss recently, and his rotator cuff was totally fucked. We had to hire a session player while he recovered, and that messed up the payroll. When you’re a kid, you just want to make friends and hang out, but now I’m 42. I’m on the road, and my wife just called and said there might be termites on our roof. Everything in that song is still true, but everything else also sucks.”

Young Simple Plan fan Atticus Hurley sees things differently but through a naive veil of youthful optimism.

“It’s sad when guys go soft like this,” Hurley said with disappointment. “Their first album is called ‘No Pads, No Helmets… Just Balls,’ but it feels like they’re phoning in on the balls these days. They get to live on the road and follow nobody’s rules but their own. They’re living the dream! When I graduate, I hope to take a similar path. It’s like these guys forgot how fun it is to stay up with your friends until 3 a.m. and eating pints of Ben and Jerry’s for dinner whenever your parents go out for the night.”

Resident Nihilist Nigel Fischer weighs in on whether or not the quality of life improves with age and wisdom, and gave us a resounding “fuck no.”

“It’s a good thing to be optimistic, but let’s be realistic. When you’re an aging musician, you want to sleep in the same bed as your wife, and not on a bus with the same people you’ve known since high school,” said Fischer. “Hangovers last two days. You gain weight breathing near a doughnut. Bankers fuck up your 401K, and you have to wait on the phone for three fucking hours to get somebody to fix it. Pierre is 100% correct. Life is absolute shit from wall to wall, no matter your age.”

At press time, members of Simple Plan were discussing their upcoming prostate exams and discussing which retirement facilities would be best for their parents.

Review: Scary Kids Scaring Kids “Out of Light”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

After a breakup, the death of a band member, and an unexpected reunion, Scary Kids Scaring Kids have certainly been through the ringer, and their new album “Out of Light” proves that they are resilient as ever.

“Out of Light” marks the first release from SKSK since their critically acclaimed self-titled album way back in 2007. And that was one hell of a year. President Bush was so affected by the world of punk rocking against him that he decided to not seek a third term in office, the housing crisis and the recession that followed were months away, and after multiple failed attempts I finally got my motorcycle license.

The summer of 2007 was the year I wound up working on a boozy brunch cruise in Myrtle Beach. Mostly because my mom’s piece of shit boyfriend left her in the middle of the night to join the circus, I shit you not, and she needed someone else to help her split the rent. I was broke as anything at the time due to my felony conviction (unfair, mind you, that aggravated assault was in self-defense, and the second aggravated assault was because someone dared me) and my pervasive inability to hold down a job (including that ill-fated gig as a crossing guard), but hey, when mama calls, you answer.

The cruise wasn’t the worst job I’ve ever had—that honor goes to cleaning Porta-Potties at an EDM festival—but it certainly wasn’t the best. I spent most of my shifts serving bottomless mimosas to middle-aged white women and elderly Jewish mahjong addicts until they blacked out by noon. I was often stuck working alongside Sheila, a 22-year-old mother of three who was completely incapable of not talking and a deeply dedicated Toby Keith fan.

But despite my griping about my coworker’s musical tastes, the job was worth it for the free drinks alone. I was quite the hit among the “old guys smoking cigars all morning” crowd. It wasn’t worth it in the long run, however, ‘cause I got into a fistfight with Sheila. That snake-faced whore had the audacity to insult my AFI calf tattoo, so I fucking threw that bitch overboard. The ensuing warrant for my arrest has been hard to outrun all these years, even after modding the shit out of the Yamaha and reflashing the ECU.

SCORE: ⅘ Bottomless Mimosas and 1 ban from the state of South Carolina

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Academy Announces Best Film Editing, Other Piece of Shit Awards Handed Out in Denny’s Parking Lot

Posted on by Nuutti Sihvonen

LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences handed out the awards for Best Film Editing and several other utterly meaningless categories in the parking lot of a Los Angeles Denny’s earlier today, excited sources confirmed while finishing up their pancakes.

“We’ve been looking for ways to combat slumping ratings,” Academy spokesperson Lauren Jacobs said. “This year we decided to finally pull the plug on giving these below-the-line dipshits all this totally undeserved screen time. The Oscars are meant to showcase the true stars. I mean, is editing and makeup even necessary in filmmaking? Honestly, who gives a shit about best dance direction? Even driving to that Denny’s was a waste of time, we could have just left these in the corridor of the Academy and had the winners come pick them up when they were in the neighborhood.”

David Matteo, who was nominated for his work as a production designer, admitted to having been upset by the news first but had found a way to look at the silver lining.

“Honestly, I’m just honored to be a part of this exciting new tradition,” said Matteo. “I mean, would it be nice to go to the actual Oscars? Sure, that’s every filmmaker’s dream, but then again, I get to gorge on free Grand Slams and chug down ice teas, while those high-and-mighty snobs have to deal with stuff like not getting to go to the bathroom whenever they want and making sure they don’t trip while millions of fans watch them getting credit for all their hard work.”

The news was also surprisingly well received by the employees at the Denny’s.

“From the iconic ‘2 a.m. at Denny’s’ concert to impromptu swordfights held in our parking lots across the country, Denny’s has cemented its role as a central locale in skeezy American popular culture, and we’re honored for the opportunity to extend that legacy,” said restaurant manager Denis Kaya. “Not to mention that he gives us a nice excuse to finally deep clean years of piss and beer off the parking lot pavement and kick out those pesky vanlifers using our premises as their living space.”

At press time, members of the Academy were seen dining and dashing after finishing after ordering rounds of the Signature Panookies for all the winners.

Pioneer: 100 Years Before Spotify, This Music Publisher Would Literally Divide Pennies Into 60 Pieces To Pay His Artists

Posted on by Sam Eardley

You probably haven’t heard of Theodore Ignatius Fitzwilliam Youngblood. But if you’re one of the world’s 400,000,000 Spotify users, you may have him to “thank.” As a sheet music publisher on Tin Pan Alley in the 1920s, Youngblood may seem a world away from the modern music-streaming experience. But today’s musicians, who receive around half a penny per Spotify stream, may feel a pang of recognition on reading Youngblood’s recently re-published memoirs “Salient Proclamations.” In which, details his artist payment process of slicing individual pennies into 60 pieces.

In this extract from the book, Youngblood talks about the composers on his payroll.

“It hit me one morning. There simply isn’t a coin small enough to remunerate these loathsome jingle-monkeys for a sale of one of their sheets of music. Upon realizing this I immediately engaged one of Manhattan’s finest metalworkers to fashion five-dozen segments from each penny in my purse and by sundown we were already paying those infernal ditty-miners in sixtieth.”

Spotify’s founders have always insisted their business model was completely original, but when this new edition of “Salient Proclamations of Theodore Ignatius Fitzwilliam Youngblood” appeared from the mists of history, the acronym spelled out by the book’s name seemed like it simply couldn’t be a coincidence.

“You have to think that one of the guys found an original copy of the book in a thrift store and based Spotify on that,” pop music historian Freya Nordquist told us. “He probably would have paid them less but at the time ‘exposure’ was a cause of death as opposed to a way publishers kill an artist’s career.”

Before achieving widespread success, the singer-songwriter Hoagy Carmichael spent some time in the employ of Youngblood.

“My ballads are whistled by every fellow in the city, yet I spend my days slaving for a brokerage firm and my nights writing music for worthless slivers of metal. I make more money selling handkerchiefs on which I have embroidered my own name and am reduced to making brief appearances at birthday shindigs for a nickel at a time.”

In this closing paragraph of Youngblood’s memoirs, we get a chilling snapshot of the man whose literal wage-cutting cemented him as the architect of modern popular music.

“Frankly, I never understood all the hullabaloo around music. Can’t stand the stuff.”

REPORT: Girlfriend Introduced as Bandmate

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Local musician Bort “Borty” Giancarlo was observed introducing his long-term girlfriend and creative collaborator Anna Paloma as his bandmate, according to touring band Dog Noises and several confused locals.

“Anna and I have been together for five years and she’s certainly my soul mate, but being my bandmate is much more respectable than dating me, trust me,” Giancarlo clarified. “I just figured this would help her get a leg up with the touring band. I used to play shows with them back in Austin and I wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea about Anna—she’s smart, funny, and talented, so it just doesn’t make sense she’d be dating me. This story tracks way better if she’s just our guitarist and we leave it at that.”

The members of Dog Noises appeared oblivious to the gesture Giancarlo bestowed upon Paloma, commenting only on how inseparable the two seemed as mere bandmates.

“They seemed so close! We wish we had that kind of rapport with one another,” lead singer of Dog Noises Jamie Flaven stated. “Our drummer doesn’t even high-five me after a set anymore, but Borty’s bandmate gave him a full-on kiss… with tongue! We noticed his other bandmates don’t get that kind of treatment, but she’s definitely very talented so it makes perfect sense he’d want to make out with her after a set. It’s not every day you find a non-drummer willing to load a kit, so you gotta show your appreciation when you can.”

Paloma confirmed she and Giancarlo are simultaneously dating and in a band together which makes introductions challenging for the duo.

“I mean Borty’s not wrong, I guess, we are in a band together,” Paloma said after loading gear in a van. “Being in a band with a couple is kind of the worst, so we tend to compartmentalize the roles we play in each other’s lives out of necessity. Besides, are we supposed to list all the ways we exist in each other’s lives each time we meet someone new? ‘Oh hi, here’s my boyfriend who happens to also be my bandmate and my personal chef and my dog walker and my ride later tonight?’ See it, sounds stupid.”

Giancarlo was last seen introducing his mom to his bandmates as his ex-roommate and angel investor.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Top 10 Babies We’d Go Back in Time to Kill

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

So you’ve heard of folks throwing around the concept of going back in time to kill baby Hitler. It’s a solid idea and we applaud these brave philosophers of our time, but did you know there’s a ton of other shitty babies that have debuted their existence along our shared human timeline? Here are the top 10 babies we’d go back in time to kill.

Leopold II of Belgium

Modern estimates of the death toll during Leopold’s occupation of the Democratic Republic of the Congo range from 1 million to 15 million. He achieved these numbers through systematic brutality, including torture, murder, and the amputation of the hands. With that in mind, why does baby Hitler get to have all the fun of being obliterated? Hey infant Leopold 2, watch your ass!

The Nirvana Baby

We all agree that baby genitals are best left unseen. One less baby dick we all have to see is a collective win. And we are fully prepared to kill as many babies as needed until this Album art is altered.

JJ Abrams

I am shaking in anger just thinking of this man as a baby. Whoever made the conscious decision to make this future adult male clearly hates the noble tradition of 2 and a half hour long space pirate toy commercials. He’s gotta go.

Joe Rogan

For us, this is much less a political thing and more a test of our own strength. We bet this would have been one buff baby. It would be pretty interesting to see what kind of fight he’d put up. In fact, this might be an important lesson in strategy for other baby killing time travelers, so take note.

Morrissey

Has there ever been a more obvious baby that needs offing? Time travel wouldn’t even be necessary with this one since Morrissey is a giant adult baby. In fact, Historians have theorized Morrissey acts as the shitty baby Hive Queen and offing him would cause a chain reaction destroying insufferable babies across the globe, such as Andy Dick, all of N’Sync, Tucker Carlson, and that impatient fucker who honked at me at a green light earlier today.

James Connor Mugratroyd

This kid is my supposed nephew and we share a birthday. So, guess who’s special day now gets overshadowed by a doe-eyed dipshit with a slight speech impediment? Fuck you, little Jimmy.

Mother Teresa

We have a sneaking suspicion this saint was a fucking baby asshole. I mean, what reason would she spend her entire life being so god-fearing other than she was a mondo dipshit of a baby?  Our timeline clean up crew doesn’t feel comfortable leaving anything up to chance so this baby is gettin’ the ax.

President Ronald Reagan

No one can deny this piece of shit made some bad movies, aside from the chimp-laced shenanigans of 1951’s “Bedtime for Bonzo,” of course. But did you also know this demented California raisin was once president of the United States? While we have no idea whether he was good at that job or not, I think we can all agree we want to live in a world where his film career never happened.

Queen Elizabeth II

Wow, is this lady old. Can you imagine instead of being an old lady she was a murdered baby instead? Think of all the Sex Pistols songs we wouldn’t have to hear. #winning

Mrs. Susan McGinnis-Smith

This lady lives down the street from me and reported me to the HOA for breaking some arbitrary bylaws about having pink flamingos on my lawn and shitting in her pachysandra. Well guess what, Susan? You made the fucking list, tell the baby version of yourself “googoo gaga, watch your fucking back.”

Honest Police Recruit Says He Wants to Join Force to Make it More Racist From the Inside

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — Prospective police officer and unapologetic bigot, Danny Connor, promised friends and family that if he becomes a cop he will use his position to make the force more racist from the inside, multiple sources confirmed.

“I’ve heard a lot of talk about how we need to overhaul policing in America, and I couldn’t agree more,” said Connor, who spent the last four years as part of a local right-wing militia. “If anything, the police are way too lenient. I want to bring back old-school policing like my father and grandfather before me. I want two or three German Shepherds with me at all times and I want full access to a fire hose whenever I want so I can just blast anyone loitering in a place they don’t belong. There are so many laws on the book from the early 1900s that we don’t even enforce anymore. I want to make sure we bring those back, and the most effective way to do that is from within.”

Training officers say that Connor is one of the most enthusiastic recruits they have seen in years.

“This kid really gets it. I interview a lot of young people who talk about how ‘they want to serve their community’ and ‘make the world a better place’ and I just want to be like ‘hey dumb dumb, that isn’t what cops do,’” said Officer Ryan Leary, the head of the Boston Police Academy. “But this Connor guy knew the score. I asked him why he wanted to be a cop and he said ‘so I can be untouchable.’ Bingo. I asked him if he has a problem with minorities and he said ‘you’re god damn fucking right I do.’ And I deducted some points for taking the Lord’s name in vain, but he still had the right answer.”

Advocates for police reform are actively trying to change the hiring practices of law enforcement agencies across the country.

“We believe that anyone who openly has a swastika as their avatar on message boards should be instantly disqualified, but usually that makes them even more desirable as candidates,” said local social worker Amani Lewis. “We studied recent graduates from the Chicago Police Academy and the results were exactly what we expected, but still disappointing. We did background checks and found that 100% of these officers outwardly expressed racist views online and had multiple arrests for assault that were wiped from their record by a family member that was a high-ranking police officer. Basically, we’re all still fucked.”

At press time, Connor invested in new golf clubs so he has a hobby when he’s inevitably put on paid administrative leave for violent misconduct.