Back in My Day We Didn’t Have All of These Food Allergies, We Just Had Sudden Unexplained Death

Posted on by Matt McInerney

I can’t believe what this world is coming to. Just yesterday I was dropping my son off at preschool when I saw this sign that read “Peanut-Free Zone.” Really!? What, a parent can’t even make their child a peanut butter, soy, egg, and wheat sandwich anymore? Kids today can’t deal with anything! You know, back in my day, we didn’t have all these frivolous food allergies to worry about. We had real problems like instantaneous, unexplained death.

Back in my day, no one knew the difference between a peanut and a tree nut. We were too busy learning real skills like how to bury a body during lunch fast enough so we didn’t miss recess. Sure, times were sad but we dealt with it! We experienced the trauma of death and moved on without asking any questions. We also did other cool stuff like hunting squirrels with fireworks.

Just look at these kids today. Take my son’s friend who is lactose intolerant. First off, I thought intolerance was frowned upon today. I guess we can add “hypocrisy” to the list of reasons kids are lamer now. I guess it’s all about instant gratification nowadays.

It’s no better at work. The other day, the new guy told me he was having a really hard time with the recent death of his grandmother and wanted to take a “mental health day.” Give me a break! What you need is to get your ass back to work and do what my parents did: hold all your emotions in until dropping dead for some unknown reason.

How do we expect the next generation to lead healthy lives without any of the lessons my generation learned as adolescents? Do we really think these youngsters will turn out fine without the chance of unexpected, preventable death? It’s just sad. The childhood I knew is gone, left to a bunch of crybabies with no idea how to gracefully navigate this world.

Trashy House Still Has 311 Day Decorations Up

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

LAWRENCE, Kan. — A local home is angering neighbors by leaving their 311 Day decorations up long after the holiday has passed and allowing the display items to fall into disrepair, nearby sources report.

“Look, I celebrate 311 Day just as much as the next person,” said irritated neighbor Robert Mazlinger, who took down his home’s inflatable lawn effigy of 311 drummer Chad Sexton on March 12. “It’s a wonderful tradition for the whole family, and it brings people closer together. But it looks completely fucking awful when those shitheads down the block leave their turntable decorations up in their trees for weeks and they still have their 311 lights blinking the rhythm to ‘All Mixed Up.’ I’m not a snob, but it’s pretty low-class to leave that shit up when they can see everyone else has taken down the chimney wraps that make them look like huge joints.”

“Also, neighborhood association by-laws state that 311 Day decorations be down by end of week,” Mazlinger added. “Verbatim, it says “down or you don’t get to get down. C’mon.”

Josh and Jana Fowler, who own the eyesore in question, don’t see what the big deal is.

“So we don’t take our 311 Day decorations down the second we finish our mugs of homebrew and do the traditional last skank dance of the night,” said Josh Fowler. “What of it? We love 311 Day, and it only comes once a year. It’s just nice to keep up the 311 spirit a little bit longer, and keep that special feeling when everyone is just a little bit nicer to everyone else and is constantly spinning sick grooves like ‘Omaha Stylee.’ We do our family rap-a-longs to ‘Hive’ a bit longer than some people, and we leave the frosted tips on our hedges for a few extra weeks. Whatever, it’s their problem.”

Aaron “P-Nut” Wills, the bassist of 311, had mixed feelings about it all.

“Look, me and the boys love bringing joy, harmony, and reggae-inflected rap-rock to the world,” said Wills. “And we are absolutely delighted that 311 Day has become a global day of celebration, much like the 311 Pow Wow Festival and our sensibly-priced, all-inclusive 311 Caribbean Festival Cruises. But dude, you gotta take that shit down after two days, max. Having a giant blow-up picture of my face on your front door into April just looks terrible, and probably lowers property values.”

As of press time, neighbors were attempting to discreetly remove the dreadlocks from the Fowler family’s mailbox.

We Seduced Our Worst Enemy’s Wife To Get Revenge But It Turns Out He’s Into That

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Jason Kuebler has been my worst enemy for as long as I can remember. Getting bullied by him starting in grade school and then all the way through college was tortuous. Even now he somehow managed to become my boss at the office. I finally decided to get revenge by seducing his hot wife. Unfortunately, that’s how I discovered that she was in fact a Hotwife.

I had planned it out so perfectly. We started having sex at a time when I knew he was supposed to be getting home. Then I was going to look him in his stupid face and be all like “muhahahahaha. Take that I am having sex with your wife.” You know, something totally cool and clever like that. Anyway he gets home and sees me thrusting into her and I give my heroic speech about how this was for all those years he treated me.

That’s when he starts talking about how badly he thinks he deserves this and that he’s really getting what’s coming to him. I assure him that he’s been a real jerk and that maybe this should make him rethink his behavior. Except instead of getting mad he starts smiling and it seems like he’s actually enjoying what I’m telling him and encouraging me to say more. So I say more but cut myself off once I realize he’s touching himself through his pants pocket.

It’s at this moment that his wife Jessica asks why I stopped going and says she assumed I knew about his fetish and that’s the only reason she agreed to sleep with me. I then tell her that it was solely for revenge and this turns her on so much that she starts squirting like she’s Old Faithful except I guess she should really be called Old Unfaithful.

Anyway they both encourage me to finish so they can then start the BDSM part of their routine in which they “punish” the other person for their bad behavior. I cum my losses and get the heck out of dodge because I don’t have any desire to see what happens next. The lesson from this whole experience I guess is that you should never use sex for revenge, just put sugar in their gas tank like a normal person.

Bartenders Brace Themselves After Band Announces the Next Song Is a New One

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Brave souls slinging drinks at the Slumbar Saturday night prepared for the rush of headbangers hurling towards them during a set by LionSword after the announcement of a song off their new record.

“These metal shows are the worst. First of all, when I hear that these reformed geezer metal bands are playing at the bar, I know I won’t make shit. Metalheads are notoriously terrible tippers,” said bartender, Stacy Davis. “Secondly, these metal fans love to drink. I’m usually exhausted by the first band. Then, I get a bit of a break until they play their new, 90s Metallica-style song and it’s like a whirlwind of hair and denim vests.”

Dedicated metalhead Alan Bridges puts down both draft beers to give insight as to why the bar is packed at this particular instance.

“I was so stoked to be able to see LionSword live,” show patron Bridges explained. “I thought those guys had all died years ago. Yeah it’s cool they have the drive to put out a new album or whatever, but what I was really there for was to headbang to the classics. The worst part is the bar is packed when those new tunes are being played, cuz’ I need a beer in hand when I forget the words to bangers like ‘Skull of the Night’ and ‘Spew of Torment.’”

LionSword lead singer Dale “Raging Iron” Swanson weighs in on the crowd’s disregard for the new material.

“Personally, I’d much rather play a gig at a park or youth center or something nowadays. Anywhere that has zero bars,” Swanson stated. “This band has spent hours away from our families that made us stop playing all those years ago to come up with this new material for the fans, and they just want to get drunk to the classics. I don’t think anyone has heard a song off our record sober. I mean, our new track, ‘Shred to the Bone,’ is face-melting. I think the sensitive, younger generation of metalheads just can’t handle the brutality of our new vision, or the nine, 90-second riffs of seasoned metal warriors like us.”

At the time this article was written, it was reported the line to the bathroom at the LionSword show was out the door.

Photo by Jana Miller.

We Sat Down With Jack White To Be Talked To About Blues Music Because We Died In An Act Of Sin And This Is What Hell Is Like

Posted on by Dan Rice

Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote “Hell is other people.” Well, it turns out that “other person” is former White Stripes frontman Jack White specifically. We sat down with the legendary blues appropriator after choking to death on an overcooked London broil last Friday.

It has been made clear to me that had my parents raised me as an atheist, Buddhist or even Lutheran for fucks sake I would be fine, but because I was baptized in the Catholic Church and never “officially renounced my faith” my death counted as a hellworthy trespass.

The Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time for us to be forced to sit with you. You’ve become one of blues music’s most outspoken champions. Is this hell? 
Jack White: Well blues mythology is actually steeped with satanic lore. Most people know Robert Johnson’s “Crossroads,” (if only by the inferior Clapton version,) but back in the day a lot of musicians would have similar myths about themselves, it was the thing to do, you know? Sell your soul to the devil to play the gui-tar good haha. 

I’m gonna take that as a yes. 
It’s sort of like wrestling, they all liked having a sort of heel persona, and it often consumed them. Do you like wrestling? 

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but, let’s talk more about the blues. 
Solid! You got Leadbelly, Blind Willie Johnson, Mississippi John Hurt… 
Ah, yup. Those were all guys who played the blues. 
Played it? Hell, they lived it. 

So is this like, forever? Is this hell for everyone or just me?
See it’s not enough to know the notes and the scales, you need to know why they need to be played dig me? 

Yeah. I think I heard George Carlin say that once. Okay so you’re supposed to be like, an expert, but so far your knowledge of blues music is limited to stuff I already know. Does that mean this is like all in my head, or is it like part of the torture? 
You ever heard of Elvis Presley? 
Have I heard of Elvis Presley? 
The King. You know him? 
I… Yeah. Yeah I’ve heard of Elvis. 
That boy could play.

Okay. So am I in a coma? 
Good question. You know lots of blues songs are about asking questions. You got Leadbelly’s “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?” for example. 
Name one other example. 
You know he was poisoned to death by his old lady. 
I did know that. 
See the “crossroads” aren’t like literal crossroads, it’s more like an existential place where you go to make an unholy pact. A lot of people don’t know that. Are you familiar with Robert Johnson? 

Okay well thanks for sitting down with us, I think we have everything we need.
Great, yeah, whenever you’re ready to start the next interview I’m good to go. 

Right. And, there is nowhere else to go? 
Right. 
And, suicide… 
Not an option. 
Right. Okay. So. Blues music.
Have you heard of Elvis Presley? 

New Nick Cave Album Testing Well Among Skeletons Who Play Themselves Like Xylophones

Posted on by Mike Civins

LAS VEGAS — The new Nick Cave album “Wraiths of a Crooked Burial” is outselling all of Cave’s previous work with an overwhelmingly positive response from skeletons who play themselves like xylophones and other spooky creatures of the night, according to sales data and focus groups.

“We couldn’t be happier with the reaction. In fact, we’re as happy as Mr. Cave is sad,” said Eileen LaMacchia, VP of A&R at Cave’s label Goliath Records. “This album is easily the favorite of the ‘only-boned’ as well as single-sheeted ghosts, prescient fortune-telling owls, and numerous species of bats. We haven’t had a chance to get a focus group of vampires quite yet because those bloodsuckers are part of our core group of executives signing new bands. If things slow down we hope to play it for them soon.”

This acclaim from skeletons who enjoy playing along to Cave’s music is a beacon of hope for an otherwise beleaguered industry.

“You’d think someone like me would enjoy 2016’s ‘Skeleton Tree,’” shared Boney McSillyshake, a local skeleton who often does choreographed dances with his three identical fans in a graveyard. “When I hear Cave’s brooding voice and surreally personal lyrics I can’t help but drag my fleshless forearms across my rib cage like some horrific Hieronymus Bosch inspired washboard. Heck, if it’s a faster number I’ve been known to play my own skull like some kind of calcified conga drum.”

Cave himself has welcomed the acclaim from these new supernatural audiences as critics have often likened his musical style to the equivalent of a cemetery in a suit.

“I can’t overstate my appreciation to fans my boneyard fans. I’ve never been one to cater to expectations, so it’s wonderful to hear I’m still able to connect with new music lovers from all walks of life and death, especially since my music has been described as what you hear in a creepy old mansion where someone is watching you from behind an old portrait painting,” said Cave from his tour hearse. “Based on the success of this last album I’m heading back to the studio with my longtime songwriting partner Warren Ellis and to write a double-LP concept album that is told completely from the perspective of a big spooky spider that can play its web like a guitar. Oh, and get this, he’s also friends with a family of dancing worms. It’s gonna totally rule.”

Cave is reportedly navigating Hollywood once again with a grisly hyperviolent film adaptation of the popular novelty song “Monster Mash” where “everyone dies.”

Opinion: We Need A Disney Princess Who Used To Be A Ska Kid

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

The times are changing rapidly, and so too are our expectations of representation in popular media. That’s why I firmly believe that we need a Disney princess who used to be a ska kid, and we need her now.

The world has had enough of the standard Disney princess who lives in a castle, wears a pretty dress every day, and wasn’t a loser in middle and high school. Drivel like that only resonates with one particular demographic of children: ones who can’t skank for shit.

Young rudegirls never see themselves portrayed on screen, and this is very limiting for them. They need to know that when they grow up, they can be more than a merch girl or a roller derby star.

Can you name even one princess who’s checkered the toes of her Converse with a Sharpie, or bought a pin from a band with a name like Skaardvark or Skarmesan Cheese? No, these princesses are too busy making eyes at Prince Charming, or coming to terms with the death of a parent. Hell, I doubt any character in a Disney movie has ever supported their local ska band, except maybe some of the villains.

Disney needs to recognize and reciprocate all of the support Ska has shown for them. Think of all the countless ska band names that are Disney puns. There’s Skaladdin, Skalice in Wonderland, The Skaristocats, 101 Skalmatians, and Pickitupahontas, just to name a few.

If Disney would return any of my emails, they would know that there are endless story options for this princess. Maybe she renounced ska long ago, but it’s calling to her, and she yearns to skank again. She’s resisting the call because her family insists that ska is dead. Then a prince comes along who says he’s a rudeboy, and she falls for him, but it turns out the extent of his ska knowledge is the scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where Save Ferris plays at the prom, and the princess is devastated.

Look, I’m not going to write the whole movie for free, but obviously the princess ends up educating the prince about first and second wave ska, her family realizes that ska isn’t dead (it just went underground), and we fade out on Save Ferris playing at the prince and princess’ wedding.

Maybe Disney thinks it got close enough to ska representation with “Newsies,” and I’ll concede that’s a step in the right direction, but it’s not enough. Today’s rudechildren need to see themselves in adult princesses whose lives revolved around ska in the early 2000s.

The cry is growing stronger, and Disney cannot continue to ignore us. The ball is in their court, and they need to pick it up pick it up.

Jodie Foster Actually Kinda Digging New John Hinckley Track

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES – Legendary actress Jodie Foster admitted that former presidential-assassin-turned-musician John Hinckley Jr.’s latest folk single is surprisingly decent, worried friends reported.

“He came on a little strong in the ‘80s so it was hard to appreciate his work, but I’ve grown to become more patient and mature so I can see the merit in his songwriting,” said Foster, who is considering investing in Hinkley’s upstart Emporia Records. “He knows how to write a decent melody, and God knows he has a unique life experience to draw from. I’m curious to see what he releases next. Let’s just hope we wait until Trump gets re-elected until he makes another grand gesture for me.”

John Hinkley Jr., now a musician with a popular YouTube channel, is attempting to move beyond the sordid past chapters of his life.

“I’ve done some things in the past that I regret and can’t take back, like embarrassing myself with a very public crush on Jodie Foster and missing my shot at her, so to speak,” said Hinkley, whose fanbase consists largely of ironic left-wing punk weirdos. “So if people decide they like my music, that’s just swell. I just want everyone to focus on the music. And if Jodie really said she likes it, I guess that’s cool or whatever. No sweat off my back. It probably doesn’t mean she’s madly in love with me.”

Anthony Fantano, the internet’s biggest music nerd, offered a more measured critique of Hinkley Jr’s music.

“The production is subpar at best — these are bedroom recordings that should probably stay in the bedroom until John can figure out how to add some tasteful reverb and mixing into his songs,” said Fantano, who is regularly targeted by Kendrick Lamar superfan assassins. “None of the songs would have been considered unique in 1965, let alone today. But since I don’t want to die, I’m going to throw on the yellow flannel and give this a 10/10. Album of the year, right here.”

Hinkley Jr.’s parole was reportedly in jeopardy after rumors leaked that he rented box office bomb “Hotel Artmeis” starring Foster, violating the rules of his probation.

We Tried Doing Drugs While On Drugs To See How Drugs Affected Our Drugs Drugs Drugs Dadrugs

Posted on by Stephen Bell

When many people think of drugs they think of this scary boogey man that has no social benefits. Of course, some drugs can’t be trusted. However, we found that mixing drugs with your drugs can really help you do drugs in a way that helps you achieve the maximal benefits from drugs.

Today we got some drugs from that place where drugs come from. Somewhere in non-descript southern drug country. The natives there called this drug “droogs” and would use it to improve their ability to communicate with their drug dealer. Traditionally when people in wherever this came from would do their drugs they would smoke them. You can also make a drug oil that drips into your eyeballs, inject it, butt chug it, eat it, go on a date with it, or snort it.

Because we’re cool, we decided to do these drugs while also doing drugs to see if there was some sort of combinatory effect. For that we created this special combination bong/needle/bowl/parachute/tincture/vaporizer that allowed our drug amalgamation to be delivered using all three states of matter and several theoretical ones that were proposed to exist by scientists who were on cool drugs.

OK so let’s just take a hit and ach mein Gott ich kann durch Zeit und das All sehen! OK holy fucking balls my brain banana is ready to get ingested by the galactic weasel during the thirtieth day of lent. I’m detecting some subtle tones of cherry and the chartreuse wall painting my brother gave to me when I was -10 years old. It’s very clear that this is only illegal because it exposes the truth of the military industrial complex’s ties to Chuck E. Cheese. I really need to find my skin now.

The medicinal benefits of drugs, in particular when mixed with drugs, is exponentially drugs. Furthermore, drugs could drugs if a wood drug could do drugs. Research is showing that drugs is drugs and cool people party and do drugs and shit, and tribalism and the singularity. Mushrooms is drugs and plants as well, which was done by Mesopotamian priests. All drugs and no comedown make Jack a high boy.

Anyway there you have it folks. Mixing your drugs with drugs is the best way to do your drugs drugs drugs da drugs. I’ll pray that this telepathic transmission reaches my editor safely. Don’t trust the vaccine.

Arch Nemesis Decides to Wait One More Song Before Telling You Band You’re Enjoying is Christian

Posted on by Peter Woods

INDIANAPOLIS — Your arch-nemesis allowed you to enjoy the majority of a record by a band you did not realize is Christian and plans to inform you of your horribly embarrassing mistake after the next song, confirmed local authorities are who are decrying as “deeply cruel.”

“Years of plotting is about to finally pay off,” said your enemy Eddy Snakewielder as he alternated from twirling his mustache to rubbing his hands together. “I’ve sat in the shadows as you gleefully listen to …And Death Shall Flee From Them without any idea that they are all Bible-thumping whack jobs. But I’m not quite ready to spring that awful news, I want you to really soak them in before I tap you on the shoulder and casually say ‘you know these guys are Christian, right?’ I will then watch as the will to live drains from your face and your every pore fills with the agony of this realization!”

Snakeweilder went on to cackle maniacally for the next ten minutes.

Although you continue to be completely unaware of your enemies scheming, others have tried to bring your attention to the band’s Christian identity.

“They have solid riffs, but something isn’t sitting right with me,” said longtime friend Marsha Arroyo. “Like, why does this singer make prayer hands in all their band photos? And who is ‘the big guy’ that the record is dedicated to? And last time they played around here it was at a teen center called ‘Crossroads?’ It just feels off. At first, I thought they might be Canadian, but then I saw they were from Salt Lake City and it all snapped into focus.”

After hearing of the impending disaster, music experts have made numerous statements warning you about the severity of this incident.

“This may sound like hyperbole, but there is literally nothing more devastating in life than this,” said Sylvia Andrews, a professor of Cultural Studies and Ethnomusicology at Georgetown. “Even people who have lost between one and three limbs routinely say they would rather lose another limb than realize that a singer was quoting the bible over a sick riff. It’s no joke.”

At press time, sources confirmed that you thwarted your foe once again by answering a phone call before he could reveal the band’s faith, then went home and completely forgot what that band was named or sounded like by the next morning.

Photo by Jana Miller.