Every vegetarian has been there: a well-meaning friend offers you meat at a dinner party, and you don’t know how to say no. Here are five ways I’ve found to deny meat without offending the homicidal meat-eaters we love. Despite everything they’ve done.
Claim to have a medical condition
Saying you have a health condition that prevents you from eating meat is a great way for your neanderthalic carnivore of a host to understand that you won’t be a part of their pack of craven hunters, no matter what. These people (if you can call them that) only understand primitive ideas, so it’s best to leave no room for exceptions.
Say “No thank you”
Rejecting meat is usually less of a big deal than you think, but always be polite! Remember: these people are monsters, trained from birth to desire dead flesh, and they can turn on you in an instant with the same ferocity with which they consume cows and pigs. If you think walking on two legs makes a difference to them then you might as well strap on a blindfold and shuffle into the slaughterhouse yourself. It’s best not to make a fuss, and still thank them for the offer.
Say that you’re not hungry
Challenge round! This one is tricky, especially if you’re at a dinner party where food was expected. But remember: your host’s brain is swimming in a pool of pork lard, so it’s easy to confuse them. Just say “I ate a chicken when you weren’t looking” or “belly full no yum yum” and turn your plate over. With any luck, they’ll be so delirious from meat sweats that they’ll move along.
Offer an alternative
Ask your host in advance if you could bring a side dish. Pick a hearty vegetarian entree, and who knows? You might even convert a few guests to a plant-based lifestyle! Unlikely though. Their favorite flavor is the knowledge that their food lived a miserable life, died before its time, and suffered as it was prepared. It gives them a sick sense of power to taste the mourned, and your beet salad could never satisfy that itch.
Simply explain that you’re vegetarian
Use this method sparingly. While you may be tempted to say outright that you don’t eat meat, they might take that to mean that you think less of them for partaking.
The last thing you want to do is seem judgmental.