Vince Neil’s Doctor Suggests Kickstarting His Liver and Kidneys While At It

Posted on by Dave McNamara

LOS ANGELES – Local doctor Ron Diamond found cause for concern over singer Vince Neil’s latest liver function test results following decades of excess in the sex, drugs, and rock and roll lifestyle.

“The human body has a fairly miraculous filtration system,” said Dr. Diamond of Hollywood/Wilshire Health Center. “But these results were some of the most alarming I’ve seen in my twenty years of practice. Imagine that you owned a Brita pitcher for forty years, and you only poured Long Island Iced Teas into it—that’s the only thing I can conclude happened to his liver. Mr. Neil’s vital organs have more sludge build-up than the LA River in spring, so from where I’m sitting, everything in there could use some attention, at least if he wants to keep peeing normally.”

Neil declined to comment, but footage from a recent Cameo appearance may reveal the 60-year-old singer’s take on prognosis.

“Hey Chad, I hope you’re having a bitchin’ time on your 47th birthday, man. This is from Timmy, Linda, Jake, and, ah, Harley,” Neil said in the 15-second video while blending a strawberry daiquiri. “It’s awesome you made it this long, and doctors will tell you to start making ‘serious changes’ if you wanna keep celebrating, but don’t listen to what they tell you, man. You just keep partying and doing your thing, brother. Shout at the devil and, ah, keep walking on the wild side. Take care, my dude.”

Personal Assistant for Neil, Rocko Jefferies, has a long history of touring with debaucherous musicians.

“I’ve been with the Crüe since ‘Girls Girls Girls.’ Before that, I worked with Ozzy and Aerosmith. The thing is when these guys start getting up there in age, doctors are always telling them they can’t do cocaine anymore, or that ‘Perc 30s shouldn’t be loaded into a Pez dispenser,’” said Jefferies. “It makes my job really difficult. How do I tell the boss that we gotta cut out the breakfast Jäger-bombs when he’s the one writing the checks? It’s a tricky balance.”

Motley Crüe is scheduled to tour again in the summer of 2022 for re-re-reunion leading up to their official-official farewell tour, after which they will tape their “Cessation of Touring” contract back together and officially donate it to the HardRock Las Vegas for display.

Review: GWAR “The New Dark Ages”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Everyone’s favorite interplanetary barbarian space warriors GWAR are back with their 15th studio album “The New Dark Ages” which will be accompanied by a graphic novel and tour that will likely involve showering audience members with fake and/or real blood.

It’s not every day you get an advanced copy of an album for the specific purpose of reviewing it for a major online publication. It’s also not every day you accidentally drop it down a nearby storm drain before you even get a chance to listen to it. But here we are. Yet again.

Anyway, I really needed to ace this review since I was already on thin ice with my editor after using the “advanced copy fell down storm drain” excuse when I was supposed to review the new Turnstile record last year. So I called a professional to see if I could get all my stuff back from the drain. Not just the GWAR album. I mean EVERYTHING. Including half of my record collection. My editor is still hounding me for that Turnstile review at some point. How else am I supposed to hear it?

But then I got paranoid and hung up. Like, what if the storm drain guy they sent was a huge GWAR fan and just fished out the yet-to-be-released album to take for himself? You don’t want advanced copies falling into the wrong hands. You have to handle them with absolute care.

So I shimmied my way down the drain myself to retrieve what was rightfully mine. However, something they don’t tell you about storm drains is that they’re way easier to get in than they are to get out. And there’s no cell service down there for some reason. Nationwide coverage my ass.

Long story short, on my fifth consecutive day trapped in a storm drain surviving on nothing but surprisingly refreshing stormwater, someone finally discovered me and called the authorities. The rescue took hours.

More importantly, I got back my GWAR album just in time to submit this exact review. So, you’re welcome. Turns out, the album was unexpectedly resilient under harsh circumstances. Indestructible, really.

SCORE: 10 out of 10 for durability.

/**/

New Yorker Desperate To Attribute Cum Smell To Those Weird Trees

Posted on by Tim Graham

NEW YORK CITY — Lower East Side resident Amanda Giardi is hopefully assuming that the overwhelming smell of cum surrounding her is due to those weird trees with the white flowers, sources who couldn’t agree more confirmed.

“Every time I walk out of my apartment I’m just blasted with this overwhelming stink of you-know-what,” said Giardi, of the peculiar odor that permeates her neighborhood every year when the temperature begins to rise. “People say it’s those Callery pear trees. I really hope it is, because my stomach turns at the alternative explanation. I mean, there can’t be that much jizz out there in the streets. The wet piss and steaming garbage smell makes sense, but the amount of spooge it would take to smell this strong is something I don’t want to think about.”

According to neighbor and longtime New Yorker Muriel Gelman, city dwellers need to learn to come to terms with a whole host of putrid scents.

“Foul smells are a fact of city life,” said Gelman. “Those trees are just one of many disgusting odors we New Yorkers have to try to ignore or explain away. I’ve smelled it all – number one, number two, throwup, spunk, you name it. You either get accustomed to it, or you chain-smoke wherever you’re still allowed to until you lose your sense of smell altogether like I did. It really makes living here more bearable.”

New York isn’t the only area coping with this particular olfactory offender.

“People like to blame the trees,” said Dimitri Adamos, a municipal sanitation worker in Washington, DC. “We got ‘em here, too. But there are other factors at play. You’d be surprised at just how much nut is all around you in a big city. Sometimes the storm drains are all blocked up after the weekend. Occasionally, we gotta go down there in waders and kick a huge plug of jammed up rubbers through the outflow pipe.”

“As for the smell,” continued Adamos, “I think it’s always there, but people only notice it when the weather gets warmer and they start going outside more. Do the trees smell? Yeah, they’re kind of gross. But don’t forget about all that goo. That’s a big part of it.”

At press time, Giardi was already looking forward to blaming another nauseating odor on a species of shrub that smells exactly like diarrhea, which begins flowering in mid-summer.

Girl on Boyfriend’s Shoulders Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall of Fame

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

CLEVELAND —  An intoxicated woman sitting atop her boyfriend’s shoulders will be the first non-musical act inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as part of the 2022 class, Hall officials confirmed.

“What a great addition to the Hall they are gonna be,” said Rock and Roll Hall of Fame President Greg Harris. “Sure, Dick Dale isn’t in yet, but we’ll get to him. Nothing exemplifies the spirit of rock’n’roll like an obnoxious, drunk person blocking your view and screaming louder than the act. Frankly, I’m surprised we didn’t get them in there sooner.”

The woman, Dawn Cramer, has been a fixture of most concerts in the Columbus, Ohio area for the last several decades, kicking off her legendary run of concert inebriation at Motley Crue’s “Dr. Feelgood” world tour in 1989.  

“Yeah! Fuck yeah. Wooooooooo,” said Cramer, when told of her designation as a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer. “That’s so fucking cool. Hey, do they have a beer tent at this thing, or should I sneak a bag of wine under my shirt?”

For her live performance at the induction ceremony, Cramer surprised fans by reuniting with her original concert companion — her high school sweetheart, David Melvin — to watch the other inductees from the wings of the stage.

“I can’t believe they got them back together. I heard he hurt his back working as a roofer back in ’97, and people thought he would never lift again,” said longtime fan Dwight McKinnon. “Not to mention the Sponge incident at Lollapalooza that broke them up to begin with. Did you see the way she threw up all over herself during the intro of ‘Money for Nothing,’ though, and he still kept her up straight while shielding his eyes? They still got it! What an amazing performance.”

The duo have since denied rumors that the reconciliation will be a permanent one, as Melvin is happily married, while Cramer has “…a bunch of fuckin’ court dates coming up.”

Well Well, Someone’s Suddenly Showing Interest in My NFTs Now That They’re Divorcing Me

Posted on by Eli Johnson

Well isn’t this a surprising turn of events? I recently received a very interesting letter from an attorney concerning a certain non-fungible asset in my portfolio. I recall not so long ago someone dismissing NFTs as, “a fucking scam” and “the reason our relationship is crumbling.” Well, somebody sure is singing a different tune now that they’re divorcing me.

When I first explained why I was diversifying our savings into cartoon apes, I was called a “fool,” “insane,” and even a “fucking loser.” It sure sounds like somebody is ready to believe in their value now that they no longer love me. So who’s the loser now?

For the longest time, I thought our love was as secure as the blockchain. But it turns out our bond was fungible after all. Sure, things hadn’t been great between us for years, but I was ready to buy the dip. But now that my ex has come for my apes, this shit is officially irreconcilable. What really hurts is that I gave my ex every opportunity to join me on this journey. These could have been our apes.

Take the kids. You helped create them, after all. But you had nothing to do with my NFTs. How will I show my face at the Bored Ape Yacht Club after this? Hey, here’s an idea: Why don’t you just take a screenshot of them. Like I didn’t hear that one enough times.

If this is how it has to be then I hope that, in time, you’ll learn to love my NFTs as much as I do. And I certainly hope you appreciate them for their artistic merit because guess what, honey, it turns out they actually are worthless.

Punk Teacher Keeps Asking Students to Move Up Closer to the Front

Posted on by Sam LiButti

NEW YORK — Part-time punk and full-time teacher Jack Hannon once again made an impassioned plea to his students to move “move the fuck up” to the front of the classroom, confused students confirmed.

“At the start of every day he just aggressively paces back and forth for a while. One time he ripped off his sweater and headbutted the chalkboard before dropping to his knees and wrapping the cord of the overhead projector around his fist,” said freshman Alison Tibiate. “He kept saying ‘if you’re feeling what I’m feeling tonight move up closer to the front, there’s plenty of room. Let’s get this thing going!’ but none of us were sure what ‘this thing’ even was. Math?”

Hannon believes his actions to get the class to pay attention are completely justified despite the criticism.

“You think this kind of shit would be happening in Reagan Youth’s home economics class? No fucking way,” said Hannon in between puffs of the old discarded Marlboro Red 100 he picked up in the parking lot. “I’m sick and tired of this ‘fuck you horseshoe’ every class like everyone is afraid to be in front of the whiteboard. Sure you might get hurt, but that’s what it’s all about. If these kids aren’t ready to handle it when things get rowdy up front, how can they expect to be prepared for the rest of life’s challenges? It’s my responsibility to instill a deep knowledge of algebra and fear deep inside my students. It will make all of them better functioning adults.”

Hannon’s direct supervisor Principal Edgar Zarpentine admits to having a hard time understanding the teacher’s unorthodox methods.

“My main concern is that it doesn’t seem like these kids are learning what they need to be learning. This is a math class, but if you ask these kids to solve for x they’ll tell you to fuck off and start some sort of circular slam dancing tornado. It’s terrifying,” said Principal Zarpentine. “Where are they learning this behavior? I for one blame Mr.Hannon, especially after I found the ‘How to Find the Circumference of a Circle Pit’ take-home packet he gave the kids last week.”

“I’m not sure what we’re going to do about this situation,” Zarpentine added. “But I assure you we are taking this matter very seriously”

Due to the nationwide teacher shortage, Mr.Hannon has also been put in charge of the school’s orchestra who are preparing to play through the entire Black Flag discography for this year’s Christmas Concert.

Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit

Posted on by Max Barth

WASHINGTON — Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade, according to exhausted sources.

“If true, this draft decision will cause tremendous damage to women across this country as well as the court’s own integrity,” said Senate Leader Chuck Schumer. “We, therefore, vow to use every procedural and political tactic possible to guarantee every woman imprisoned for seeking abortion access is given a $50 tax credit for the fourth quarter of the fiscal year 2023. All they have to do is fill out and sign ten simple forms at our web portal, which we expect will be up and running at some point in the next one to three years.”

“The Senate Parliamentarian is currently reviewing this proposed credit and we will defer to her judgment when it is rejected,” he added.

Oh, You’re A Belle And Sebastian Fan? Name Three Endearing Quirks That Somehow Make Us Fall Deeper In Love With You

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Hey, you in the striped Breton long-sleeved shirt and vintage parka! You think you’re some kind of Belle and Sebastian fan? Fucking yeah right. If you think you’re such a fan of the Scottish twee legends, name three of your endearing quirks that will somehow make us fall deeper in love with you.

If you’re really such a big fan of the Scottish indie band that Stuart Murdoch formed in 1994 while struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome and the stultifying effects of Thatcher-era British recessions, you probably have some weird things that seem like they should be off-putting but are actually a window into how unique and fascinating you are and how we would give anything to be part of your life, right? Right?

Damn, you carry your pristine girl group EPs in a tweed Hartmann suitcase from the 1960s? That’s so fucking cool, asshole.

Any Johnny-come-lately fan of B&S would know about Stuart Murdoch and original member Isobel Campbell’s failed romantic relationship. But are you the kind of fan who can quote Murdoch’s angry response to a fan letter accusing him of using that relationship as song material? No, you’re fucking not. You probably have never even considered how that fan letter was a fiction written by the songwriter himself to exorcise his deep emotions, jackass. You don’t have any goddamn idea what it means to be a Belle and Sebastiano, as we call ourselves.

So when you sleep, you always have to keep one sock on, because the other sock represents the person you’ve been waiting for your whole life?

We hope that someone is us.

Listen, you fucking make us sick. Real BelleHeads don’t walk around in bucket hats that hide your exquisitely perfect cats-eye eyeliner. They don’t walk around at all, they stay at home in their bedrooms, thinking about how they should have been born in a different decade and drinking weak tea.

What’s that? You only drink whiskey and flat Coca-Cola, because the bubbles make you sneeze?

God fucking dammit.

You say that you love Tigermilk, but only the original pressing? Us too, you goddamn poser. Please kiss us.

A Match Made in Hell: Hacky Sack Guy Dating Devil Sticks Guy

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

VENICE BEACH, Calif. — Local hacky sack guy from the boardwalk, Randy Gallaway, is officially now dating the devil sticks guy who usually hangs around the same area, Julius “Bam Bam” Makowski, irritated sources report.

“When I found out the hacky sack guy and the devil sticks guy were an item, I almost packed it up and moved back to Ohio,” said Venice resident Jay Singh, who until recently enjoyed walking his dog on the boardwalk. “They used to both separately ask me if I had any weed. Now they ask together, and it’s somehow worse. Maybe I’ll come back outside in January.”

However, not everyone is annoyed at the development.

“Their auras go really well together,” said slackline girl Danielle Delgado, who often sets up near the now-couple. “And between the two of them, they have like 300 crocheted beanies. For that reason alone, I support them. That takes a lot of intentional focus, most people quit pretty early on. That dude Bam Bam does lose control of his devil sticks 40 or 50 times a day and sometimes one of them knocks me off my line, but it’s all good.”

Counterculture relationship expert Nicole Lee says relationships like Gallaway’s and Makowski’s are common.

“When hacky sack is a big part of your identity, let’s face it: the vast majority of people hate you, and for good reason,” she said. “This often leads hacky sack guys to look to their closest neighbor, the devil sticks guy. These two subcultures share some crucial characteristics, namely, that they’re both dorks, and they’re both white. That’s pretty much enough for most people.”

At press time, Venice locals had launched a GoFundMe to send Gallaway and Makowski to Burning Man because at least it would get them out of there for a while.

Blink-182 Was My Way Into Harder Stuff, Like Box Car Racer

Posted on by Russ Bizaro

Anyone who’s a fan of real music can point back to a band that got them into the way harder stuff. For me, that pipeline began with Blink-182 and took me all the way to really dark bands like Box Car Racer. Sure, that sounds like a huge stretch because Box Car Racer is worlds away from the mainstream curb appeal of Blink, but I don’t think I could’ve handled the extremeness of Box Car Racer without first dipping my toe in the pool with a way tamer group.

Growing up, my parents actually didn’t mind Blink-182, which makes sense because of their cute commercial sound. But then I discovered Box Car Racer aka every parent’s worst nightmare. I remember hiding their CDs under my bed knowing they would freak out and probably call the priest on me if they even heard a second of that dark, twisted sound.

To the untrained ear, songs like “There Is” may just sound like noise. But that’s because the layperson can’t handle the deafening sounds of such heavy acoustic guitar strumming. I, and a few others who truly get it, have the ability to fully appreciate their artistry. If you can just get past their rowdiness, you’ll understand that Box Car writes songs about real shit. Shit like love and how love is shit. Their lyrics were so deep I could drown, which was another thing my parents were afraid of.

When I occasionally listen back to Blink, I chuckle to think I was ever into that bubblegum, Britany Spears type music. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Blink for everything they’ve given me, but now that Box Car Racer has shown me the songwriting of Tom DeLonge and the drumming of Travis Barker, there’s no way I can go back.

Who knows, maybe in the future I’ll be able to listen to bands from even heavier, more obscure subgenres. Like Angels & Airwaves.