Man Checks Band Name on Spotify to Confirm He’s Enjoying Song

Posted on by Matt McInerney

WORCESTER, Mass. — Local man Johnny Jarvis had to check Spotify to confirm he was actually enjoying the song he found himself bobbing his head to, sources confirmed.

“My perfectly curated playlist ended, and Spotify had started auto-playing songs. I must have zoned out for a while because I don’t remember what came on next. Then suddenly, I felt my world snap back into focus,” Jarvis said, eyes wide. “For a moment, I started to panic. What if it was like a Job for a Cowboy song? Or an even lamer deathcore band? I alt+tabbed as fast as I could. I frantically scanned for ‘now playing.’ Thankfully, it was just a Nile song I didn’t recognize. False alarm, technical death metal, no need for panic.”

Jarvis’s roommate, Alonso Barnes, was standing by the door as the song enjoyment happened.

“I don’t get what he was so upset about. I could see him in his room and he was clearly in a full panic, mashing his keyboard, fumbling for the volume. When I asked him what was wrong, he got really cagey,” said Alonso. “I asked him to play it for me, but he said it would ruin his algorithm. I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling. He acts like that time I walked in on him listening to Huey Lewis never happened. He did swear me to secrecy but maybe he also blacked it out.”

Therapist Ariel Robinson has spent a lot of time studying this behavior, which she reports is “upsettingly common.”

“This clearly stems from a lack of confidence. This kind of guy really thinks people like him strictly based on his opinions and ‘great taste.’ His identity largely revolves around the bands he likes and, more importantly, the bands he hates. That list tends to be a lot longer,” said Robinson. “At least this is better than the U2-is-my-favorite-band guy. This type actually seems comfortable having no musical identity at all.”

At press time, Jarvis was seen clearing the reality shows out of his Netflix queue before his date arrived.

Avocado Selected More Carefully Than Boyfriend

Posted on by Zach Hudson

DENVER — Local woman Riley Prime was seen at a grocery store early yesterday morning carefully examining the quality of an avocado for about four times longer than she spends selecting a potential mate, according to sources.

“There is just so much that has to be considered when choosing an avocado. You have to know when you plan to eat it, and how you are going to prepare it,” Prime explained. “Like, if I’m looking for one to dice up and put into a salad three days from now, I’ll look for a bright green one that’s firm, but not too firm. And if the little stem area is too mushy, you’re gonna want to stay the hell away from that, because it’ll end up being nothing but problems later. God knows these things aren’t cheap, so I really need to make my selections count. This is my life we’re talking about here.”

Roommate Ciera Stanley expressed their frustration that Prime’s rigorous selection process and careful attention to detail would have been much better spent on her current boyfriend, Doug White.

“They went on one date, she brought him home, and then literally the next day she deleted all of her dating apps and bought a toothbrush for him to keep at our apartment,” said Stanley. “He’s here all the time, she’s always doing all of his dishes and cleaning up after him while he just sits around and vapes and scrolls Barstool Sports. I’ve seen her toss soon-to-expire yogurt faster.”

White stated that while he doesn’t understand why Prime is so scrupulous about choosing an avocado, he doesn’t mind as long as he doesn’t have to be involved.

“Yeah Riley is cool,” said White. “She takes forever in the grocery store, but I just wait outside, and she never asks me for money when I ask her to get me a few things while she’s in there so it’s all good.”

At press time, White was seen outside the grocery store catcalling women exiting the store while Prime was inside picking her next five days worth of avocados.

Millennial Couple Finally Saves Enough to Buy ‘House’ Seasons 1-8 on Blu-ray

Posted on by Ken Taro

TRENTON, N.J. — A local couple in their mid-30s did the unthinkable by finally saving enough money to buy the entire “House” series box set on Blu-ray late yesterday afternoon, proud sources confirmed.

“We’ve been borrowing the series from our rich friends for years,” shared Gilda Napolitano. “It was never a problem for them because they own a few copies. I thought we would be renting forever, but now we can have people come over and check it out on our terms. I’ll give them a complete tour including the space below the discs at the bottom of the box where you can find the limited-edition Hugh Laurie Funko POP! You have to be careful though because it’s kind of dark and you might hit the top of your hand.”

Napolitano’s partner shared some of his concerns over contributing to such a hefty investment.

“We weren’t sure if we could buy all the seasons at once, especially with the way things are right now,” admitted Brent Kristiansen. “It was a big investment, and Gilda and I wanted to make sure we were making the right choice. Thankfully, we were very disciplined, and spent months Googling links and signing up for member benefits that offer 20% off your entire purchase codes. It took us some time, sometimes you just have to make sacrifices.”

After doing some research, the couple decided Target was the perfect place to make the purchase.

“They seemed a little apprehensive at first,” said Berta Padilla, the electronics associate assisting them. “I wanted to show them something like ‘Trailer Park Boys’ to begin with. You know, something cheaper to start with before they upgrade later. They were open to the idea, but ultimately decided against it because the box was a little bit light, and they thought it might fly off in a tornado. After addressing their concerns, I realized that they could indeed go for the big play. I think they made the right choice.”

The couple is now reportedly pregnant and saving for the “Full House” box set.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Gave Me Unrealistic Expectation of How Good Pizza Would Make Me at Karate

Posted on by Dan Rice

If you grew up in the early ‘90s, you grew up ingesting a lot of toxic media, and sure, we recognize a lot of that now. We all see now how Friends and Home Improvement promoted homophobia and toxic masculinity, and that’s great and all, but there is a glaring transgression from televisions of that era that doesn’t get talked about enough: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

This cartoon led me to believe there was a direct correlation between the amount of pizza one consumed and one’s ability to master ninjitsu. Imagine my shellshock many years and many double pepperoni with extra cheeses later to find that I can barely make it up a flight of stairs in one bound, let alone take on the Foot Clan.

To this day anytime I’m involved in a street situation that has the potential for violence, my first instinct is to run to the nearest pizzeria and power up with a radical slice of zaa (no anchovies!) As a result, I have gotten my ass handed to me in every fight I’ve ever been in due to my sluggishness, bloat, and low energy.

Not radical. Not bodacious. Very untubular.

Every weapon I’ve attempted to master has almost immediately led to serious injury or destruction of valuables in my vicinity. It’s the damned pizza grease! As soon as I start twirling ninja gear around it flies right out of my hands! I have impaled my own foot with a sai, I’ve thrown a katana through the tv, and I’ve shattered my great grandfather’s urn with a wayward nun-chuck. You would think a sheepish shrug and a “Cowabunga?” would smooth things over but no, mom was pretty upset.

Pizza isn’t the only bad habit I picked up from that show either. When I was 12 I got a pet rat, hoping it would mimic my sick-ass karate moves, find some ooze and become my surrogate father. The rat escaped almost immediately and it bit me. I got real sick for a while, and I’m still allergic to raw honey and sunlight now.

It’s mind blowing to me that these characters are still popular to this day. We’re facing an obesity epidemic in this country, and what we need more than ever is Teenage Mutant Well Balanced Diet and Exercise Turtles.

Punk Tortoise Joins 127 Club

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

GALAPAGOS ISLANDS — The Galapagos punk scene was in shock this morning after learning of the tragic death of up and coming tortoise, Sheldon, becoming the latest member of the now infamous 127 Club, sources report.

“Wow, that one really makes you think, doesn’t it,” said scene icon and local seagull, Pokey. “For someone to be gone so young, I mean 127? He’s still just a kid, his star shone bright. You hate to see it happen to these guys, but that’s just how he lived—balls to the wall and pure nihilism. It’s just not about the music anymore with these kids. If you didn’t get eaten by birds as a hatchling and you make it to 100, you start to think you’re indestructible.”

Scene experts have noted that this is just another mark in a very tragic history among the Galapagos Island tortoise punk scene.

“There’ve been some pretty iconic tortoises who’ve bitten the dust at 127, but I think this one hits harder than so many others,” remarked music expert and moray eel, Snapper. “Sheldon’s brief time with us will make up for in quality what it lacked in quantity. This is just like when Boxer croaked at 127 when he got drunk after a show and choked on his own vomit after he rolled over on his back and couldn’t get back up. These guys just have demons they can’t overcome.”

When reached for comment, experts on reptiles from the National Zoological Park responded with the following statement.

“The National Zoo is a respected scientific organization and if this is some kind of Harambe style prank, we don’t have time for your childish games,” the terse statement read. “There is no scientific evidence existing that indicates that a large number of musically talented giant tortoises have died at 127. Tortoises lack both the physical and mental capacity for creating music, let alone creating any sort of mythos surrounding said music scene. We have responded to your online petition as per required by federal statute. Please stop bothering us or we will be forced to pursue legal action.”

Further tragedy struck at the tortoise’s memorial when a distraught and hard-partying mayfly overdosed, cementing his induction into the 27-minute club.

Photo by Eric Kilby via Flickr. 

Review: Bad Brains “Rock For Light”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover 1983’s “Rock For Light,” the second full-length album from Washington D.C.’s very own hardcore punk pioneers, Bad Brains.

I’ll never forget where I was when I first heard this album. I was on my way to meet this guy to buy some drugs but he wasn’t answering the door or his phone, so I went to this little speakeasy across the street to kill some time. I walked in and was taken aback by the song that was playing. It was a really groovy reggae song. I now know it to be “Rally Round Jah Throne” but at the time I didn’t have a name to put to it. I was just mystified. I had never fancied myself a reggae fan but after that moment I couldn’t get enough of it.

I asked the bartender what the album was and that’s when I learned who Bad Brains were. I immediately ran out of that speakeasy to the nearest record store in the area, which was a solid seven blocks away. I found the record, bought it on the spot, and rushed home to fully immerse myself in it. However, when I heard the first song I became confused. It wasn’t reggae. It was this loud abrasive rock n roll music. Which isn’t normally a big deal but it wasn’t what I wanted.

I was furious. I went into a blind rage and that’s where my memory of things gets a little choppy. Apparently I ran back into that speakeasy and berated the bartender. Calling them a liar, throwing pint glasses at them, just being an absolute lunatic. Unfortunately for me, the bartender was extremely well versed in jiu-jitsu and proceeded to beat my ass so bad that I still can’t walk in a straight line. I pleaded for someone to help me but they all just joined in on the beating. As I lay there on the ground feeling my internal organs begin to rupture, I suddenly noticed the music playing in the background.

It was that abrasive rock music. The song was coming to an end and that’s when I heard it again. That song I had fallen for earlier in the day. It was the same band. Never in my life did I think a hardcore rock band could also be a killer reggae band. I spent the next ten days recovering in the hospital just listening to this record over and over. It changed the way I see music to this day. I also found out during my recovery that the drug dealer from earlier was found dead in their apartment. Which totally makes sense for why they didn’t answer in the first place.

Score: 5/5 hairline fractures in my ribs.

/**/

Punk Hides Tattoos at Work Simply by Always Carrying a Large Fern

Posted on by Max Barth

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk and office employee Devon Smith successfully hid his tattoos at work by carrying around a huge Boston fern everywhere he goes for the 112th consecutive week, according to confused sources.

“I finally sold out, and now I’m working at an office. Unfortunately, it’s not a bitcoin company or anything cool, so I’ve got to hide my tattoos just to be taken seriously,” Smith stated. “Most people think the only way to do that is to wear long sleeves constantly, but that’s a rookie move. That’s why my first day I walked in with a Boston fern and never looked back. Its graceful long fronds and supple pinnate vein patterns perfectly obscure my neck piece, plus, carrying this giant ass pot around really helped me tone up my core, which is super important if you’re sitting at a desk all day.”

Coworkers are generally supportive of Smith’s decision, once they understand it.

“I never knew why he did it, but I guess that makes sense,” said Susan Thomas, a coworker. “I know some people thought it was an anti-mask thing, or maybe the plant was like, for oxygen or something. I don’t actually know how plants work to make air better. Anyway, he’s been here over two years and no one has really seen his face, so we’ve mostly just all been debating whether he’s hot or not. I’m guessing yes based on forearm definition, but who the fuck knows.”

The fern itself seems to be enjoying the arrangement.

“I’m just happy to get out of [Dev’s] apartment. I’m the only plant there and it’s lonely. Here at the office, there’s me, a few Spider Plants, and this guy Mark who hardly moves,” the fern stated. “Plus, I’m learning so much about the international and regional market for water-resistant patio furniture, which might be useful if I’m ever looking for a different line of work. You never know. I feel like twice the fern I used to be.”

As of press time, Smith’s supervisor could not be reached for comment and was reportedly ‘out of the office’, though a particularly lush, five-foot-eight Fiddle Leaf Fig with hands was seen leaving the building early.

To Be Clear, My Wife And I Are Seeking An ACTUAL HORSE, With An ACTUAL MAGICAL HORN, For Sex

Posted on by Dan Rice

Okay, listen up you dirty piggies, because my wife and I are tired of all the messages we’ve been getting from all of you DUDES. YES, we are an open, polyamorous couple, YES, we are seeking a unicorn, and to be perfectly, 100% CRYSTAL CLEAR by UNICORN we mean an equestrian beast with a magical horn on its head willing to fuck BOTH OF US!

STOP hitting us up if you’re a single guy. STOP hitting us up if you’re a couple looking to “swap.” STOP hitting us up if you are a regular-ass horse. We are VERY SPECIFIC about what we want in a partner and we have HIGH STANDARDS!

We’re not looking to kink shame anyone, but we like what we like! When I was very young I liked to read fantasy novels, and the first time I saw an illustration of a unicorn in all its majesty, I knew that I just had to fuck one. My partner has a similar origin, and we are trying to live our best life TOGETHER. Respect that, or FUCK OFF!

Our hunt has been very fruitless and frustrating so far. Even after sifting through the COUNTLESS messages from people who can’t be BOTHERED to read our profile and chatting with hot magical unicorns in our area they always wind up saying they only want to fuck her and that I can “maybe watch.” Sorry, Pegatrix The Majestic, WE DON”T SWING THAT WAY!

It doesn’t matter how snow white your coat is, what sort of magic you can do with your horn or what kingdom you used to rule before a dark wizard turned you into a horn horse, WE’RE A PACKAGE DEAL!

So, if you’re a magic unicorn who is open to playing with a couple and HONEST, please hit us up. We are open to all unicorn body types, races, and colors. One last note, if you are a unicorn with wings, sorry friend, that’s a Pegasus, MISS US with that shit! We’re NOT PREJUDICE, we just don’t find wings sexually attractive, and that’s FINE.

Opening Band Never Ignored by Crowd This Huge Before

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Post-hardcore band Jaw Law reached a personal and professional milestone after being almost completely disregarded by the largest crowd they’ve ever played for while opening for Turnstile, according to sources.

“Not gonna lie, it’s been a pretty bumpy road,” Jaw Law guitarist Ethan Peters said. “There had been so many nights of playing empty shows, we weren’t sure if it was worth continuing. But when I looked at the crowd and saw all the people texting during our set, crowding around the merch table, and having loud conversations at the bar while we poured 100% of ourselves into our songs, I knew it had all been worth it.”

Playing to such a large, uninterested audience also reportedly had an impact on the band’s stage presence during their 45-minute performance.

“Usually, I’m not one for banter,” explained lead vocalist Derek Blaese. “But towards the end of the set, I took a moment to talk about how inspiring it was to be able to share our passion with so many people and how, if you truly want something, you have to go after it. We got some scattered applause for that. Honestly, this whole thing has just been an absolute rush.”

Brian Boyce, a Columbus-area bartender and former bassist for noise rock band Drastic said watching Jaw Law reminded him of his own experience playing for a massive, unmoved crowd for the first time.

“I’ll never forget opening for Melt-Banana in ‘02,” Boyce said. “Now, this was back before smartphones, but the lack of enthusiasm was still palpable. I’m pretty sure one guy was playing ‘Snake’ on his old Nokia phone. But we still played as though we were headlining Reading Fest and even got the email of a guy who said he had an in at Touch and Go Records. We never heard anything back, though.”

Next month, Jaw Law is slated to appear at the Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival, where they’re expected to be ignored by tens of thousands of people trying to get a good spot for Japanese Breakfast.

We Ranked All 10 Members Of The Ramones

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

The Ramones were a seminal American punk band that lasted over 20 years with an ever rotating cast of members, some lineups being better than others.

10. Katie Ramone

Due to an administrative mixup, Ithaca resident Katie Ramone became the drummer of The Ramones for a short time. She called the experience the worst, most tumultuous three hours of her life.

9. CiCi Ramone

CiCi played guitar in the Ramones for their North American tour in 1985. It was said that during a gig at Bucknell University he saw how many college students were willing to eat garbage pizza as long as it was cheap. He left the band shortly after to open a chain of low-quality pizza buffets.

8. Randy Ramone

Randy was a Bay Area plumber who was accidentally locked in the bathroom of the Ramones tour bus for 33 hours while servicing the toilet. As part of the legal settlement, he was named an official member of the band as well as granted an undisclosed amount of money.

7. Ramone Ramone

This Spanish flamenco guitarist was utilized at a gig in Barcelona in 1993 when the current guitarist fell sick from eating too many Spicy Calamari Tapas. His fancy fingerwork and impressive chord knowledge got him labeled a showoff and he was promptly kicked out of the band.

6. Kitty Ramone

This stray cat is technically the longest active member of the Ramones by living in their practice space from his birth in an air duct to his death on a blanket in a kick drum 24 years later. He is immortalized by his slowly mummifying corpse being left in the kick drum to this very day.

5. Selfi Ramone

The name rights to the Ramones were sold to the Disney corporation in 2015 and a short-lived revival of the band occurred on a stage in Walt Disney World’s Epcot park. Selfi was a spunky millennial teen who loved her phone, her friends, and sticking it to “the man”.

4. Lenny and Squiggy Ramone

These two knuckleheads were part of the short lived sit-com spin off of Laverne & Shirley, Homegrown Ramone. The story focused on two wannabe punks that move to New York in an effort to join the Ramones but their farce-like antics always screw up their chances at success. The show only lasted 1 episode.

3. Joey Ramone

The band’s accountant, the name is purely a coincidence but he’s a wiz with numbers.

2. Timofey Ramone [Тимофей Рамон]

Before the Iron Curtain fell, there was a group of Russian punks that also called themselves The Ramones [Рамоунз] who just lip-synced to Ramones songs recorded off the radio transmitted from West Berlin. They disappeared after their name made the government believe they were part of the Romanov Family.

1. Chi-Chi Ramone

Known only to be kicked off RuPaul’s Drag Race within 45 seconds of being introduced; all footage of the episode was destroyed. Some say Chi-Chi still haunts the sewers under the studio where the show is filmed.