Punk Under Mistaken Impression He’s a Functioning Alcoholic

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BOSTON — Friends and relatives of local punk, Brian Gibbs, were astonished to learn that the known raging drunk considers himself to be “a functioning alcoholic,” equally shocked sources report.

“I’m pretty sure I can guess how ripped he was when he said that,” reacted longtime friend Adam Hall. “Like, maybe if we’re being really liberal with the term ‘functioning’ I guess he could be, but no, not even then. This is the fucking guy who has to have two Coors tallboys at his nephew’s little league game at 10:00 a.m. to ward off the shakes, and that’s before he’s even able to completely fuck up the day. That guy’s about as functioning as his liver probably is at this point. ”

Gibbs, however, contradicted Hall’s version of events.

“I’m not sure where he gets off acting all high and mighty. Just because he never pissed himself at his brother’s wedding or drove his Tercel into a funeral procession because he was tired, not drunk, and passed out behind the wheel doesn’t mean he’s better than me,” the dead-eyed drunk stated through a curtain while cracking his third beer in a five-minute shower. “Goddamn, everyone just needs to lay off me. I still go to work most of the time, and I only cancel plans because I get really bad headaches most of the time. Everyone needs to calm down.”

Addiction experts state that persons with substance abuse issues can create narratives that contradict reality.

“Mr. Gibbs is still struggling to get past a barrier to admit there’s a problem, but if that lush thinks he’s functioning I assume he must be suffering from some form of psychosis, or maybe just doesn’t understand what that word means,” stated Dr. Mary Hill of Blue Hills Recovery Center, who has conducted four court ordered assesments of Gibbs’ condition. “The first time I met him he reeked of cheap whiskey and asked if I could spot him $5 for a bottle of Mad Dog. Of course, this is before he puked on my shoes and said it was ‘something he ate.’ If his friends cared about him they’d get him in treatment. Or at the very least, a dictionary.”

At press time, Gibbs was slurring that he was going to kick Hall’s ass next time he sees him to the other winos waiting for the liquor store to open.

I’ll Start Supporting the Troops When They Start Coming to My Band’s Shows

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

All day long I hear people whining about supporting the troops. I can’t even go to an event like a Blue Angels airshow or a USO tour stop without being bombarded by military propaganda. Well, I’ll tell ya what. I’ll start supporting the troops when they support something of mine. Namely, coming to one of my band’s shows.

I’m not asking for much. I’m not asking for anyone to, I dunno, sign their life away to an institution built on false promises. I’m just asking for the troops to come support my music for one night. And yes, the term “music” and the drink specials on the flyer may count as false promises, but if anyone understands you mustn’t hate the player, but instead hate the game, it’s the United States military.

Hell, the first drink will be on me! I’m sure the bar will provide enough drink tickets for a battalion or two.

It’ll be cool. You guys come out and support me and then I’ll spend the rest of my life supporting you guys. I’ll take my hat off for the anthem. I’ll hang a sign in my yard. Hell, I’ll even learn how to fold a flag in that whacky way you guys do when one of you dies. Total respect over here. As long as you come to my show.

But I know you’ll never do that. The troops have never once deployed anywhere I wanted them to. I’ve spent most of my adult life protesting their actions. If I’m being honest, now that I think about it, it’s probably not their choice where they go or what they do. That’s kinda sad. I should write my congressperson and ask them to tell the troops to come to my show. That’s where real change happens.

Man Determined to Learn Favorite Song Unless it Requires Capo, Has Weird Fucking Tuning

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

TUCKER, Ga. — Local musician Mark Shepherd vowed to master his new favorite song on guitar so long as it’s not in some weird tuning, needs a capo, or some other “pretentious bullshit.”

“If I set my mind to something, I won’t rest until I accomplish it. That’s been true ever since I first started intermittently noodling aimlessly on guitar 20 years ago,” explained Shepherd with a fierce intensity in his eyes. “Assuming of course the song is in standard tuning, did not require a capo or whammy bar, didn’t use some goofy-ass picking method, or involved any kind of fruity, French bullshit like ‘staccatos’ or whatever you call it. This isn’t gonna be another ‘Everlong’ situation. I want to play guitar, not spend three hours pausing and starting YouTube tutorials.”

Coworker Toby Johnson recently learned about Shepherd’s lack of commitment during a recent jam session.

“Mark came over to play one day. The way he talked a big game at work, you’d think his shredding would have Herman Li pissing his leather trousers. But then the whole time Mark just butchered simple shit like ‘Iron Man’ and ‘Smoke on the Water.’ I thought he was fucking with me,” said Johnson. “Later I pulled out my capo and he started railing about my ‘overpriced gear.’ I tried explaining it cost like, five bucks and you could make your own with a pencil and rubber bands, but he wouldn’t hear it.”

Aspiring musician Alexa Villalobos sympathized with the novice guitarist.

“I definitely know the pain of trying to learn an instrument. I’ve been playing music for decades. Years spent crammed into a tiny van, getting paid next to nothing, sleeping on floors, and getting the shit kicked out of me by drunken townies because we didn’t play ‘Freebird,’” said Villalobos. “The point I’m trying to make is, it’s just not worth it. I kind of wish I didn’t put in the time and effort it took to learn to fingerpick and just did one of those UX designer courses instead.”

Despite not having any musical talent and zero songs written, Shepherd has maxed out his credit card buying studio time, insisting to friends that “you gotta fake it ‘til you make it.”

Feeling Too Burnt Out To Write Songs? Here’s The Same 5 Generic Tips From Every Self Help Article Repackaged Again

Posted on by Dan Rice

Are you struggling to come up with lyrics and melodies? Does a sense of dread fill your mind as you stare at the empty page? Is bong hit after bong hit of Skywalker OG Kush not getting the juices flowing, even though 60% of Leafly users said it was good for creativity? You may be suffering from creative burnout.

Just because writing songs is something you do in your downtime from your real job doesn’t mean you don’t need to recharge from time to time! To help you do that, here is the same basic-ass self help advice in every self care article slightly re-tooled through the lens of you, our musically interested demographic.

We hope this will be helpful, and know for an empirical fact that it will not be.

Drink water
You need water to survive, so you should drink some! Staying alive is a crucial part of the creative process, so you’re going to wanna do it. Already drinking enough water to sustain your vital organs? Drink MORE water! It will make you have to pee, but it also detoxifies your kidneys and shit. Plus who knows, maybe water will inspire you! TLC and Van Morrison both wrote a song about water, so why not you?

Sleep
Did you know that brain need sleep now or no more work good? It’s true! Brain need rest like body but with thinking, so shut eyes go night night now and wake up smart! If no good at sleepy try meditate or drug. Also dream journal, for song words!

Read books
Your brain needs words the way your body needs food, so if you want to promote creativity there’s no better solution than cracking open a book! Did you know that? Of course you did! You have essentially read this basic-ass list countless times. Are you going to do anything about it? Probably not!

Fuckin eat better
Like greens and shit, you know the drill. You’ve probably told yourself you’re going to eat better a million times, maybe to lose weight, maybe to elevate your mood. This time, tell yourself you’re doing it for creativity before not doing it.

Exercise and shit
Yup, we’ve hit the part of the self-help article where you generally tap out — the part about exercising. To tie it back to songwriting, uhm, Born to Run is a song. Or whatever. You took one look at that “E” word and closed the tab anyways, who gives a fuck?

White Millennial Concerned By Lack of Diversity in His Prison Gang

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

FOLSOM, Calif. — 35-year-old felon and recent inductee in the Folsom Aryan Brotherhood, Jeremiah Stetson expressed his desire to add more diverse voices to his all-white prison gang, confirmed sources currently fashioning a toothbrush into a knife.

“It’s like this entire gang is stuck in the 1950s. I look around and everyone looks exactly the same—white men with shaved heads, goatees, and huge swastika tattoos… it gets old,” said Stetson. “To make things even worse, we kicked out a member after he was thrown down a flight of stairs and has to use a wheelchair now. Not only are we racist, but we are also ableist. I can take some solace in the fact a lot of the guys seem to quietly be members of the LGBTQ community.”

Longtime members of the white supremacist prison gang were less open to integration.

“I consider myself a pretty open-minded guy, but I also want to honor the legacy of all the brothers that came before me,” said serial arsonist and convicted sex offender Robert “Big White” Lamprey. “My mentors showed me how to navigate this crazy prison world. They showed me how to smuggle drugs in and out, they taught me which prison guards are corrupt, and they made me feel safe every time I screamed ‘white power.’ I don’t want to ruin that for future generations of white prisoners who need a place to feel welcome.”

Allen Pinkston, a researcher specializing in incarcerated populations, believes that more Millennial and Gen-Z prisoners could change prison gang demographics.

“Racism is still a problem in prisons across the country, the entire justice system is skewed and broken. But as more young people are locked up we are seeing race play less of an issue with prisoner dynamics than ever before,” said Pinkston. “Right now there are two rival gangs in the Memphis Correctional Facility that are constantly fighting over whether the DC or Marvel movies are superior. One gang is called the Memphis Justice League while the other is the Memphis Avengers. They almost sound like they could be professional soccer teams.”

At press time, Stetson was in the prison ICU after suggesting a brutal beatdown sparked by his suggestion of watching a few episodes of “Martin” in the prison rec room.

If You Didn’t Want Me To Hate Your Favorite Band Then You Shouldn’t Have Recommended Them to Me

Posted on by Eric Navarro

You know me so well. You know I love ambient, fuzzy surf rock and you know I love when zoomers add 808s and rap over it. You also know I love bonding over music. It’s what our entire friendship is based on. But you also know that I’m a complete narcissist when it comes to my music taste and that I will never, ever enjoy a band unless I found them first. So why the hell would you show me your favorite band⁠—an ambient, fuzzy surf rap-rock group with 808s⁠—if you didn’t want me to absolutely fucking hate them, and you, forever?

What were you thinking? Why in the hell would you think it was a good idea to introduce me to your favorite band, especially when you know damn well I would have stumbled across them at some point anyway. If that had been how I discovered them, I might have a new favorite band!

Plus, then I would have gotten to show them to you in the form of a carefully curated playlist that you would have loved. But you took that away from me. Frum us. Hell, I might have even surprised you with tickets to their show that you could reimburse me for later. But you ruined all of that! You ruiner.

This could have been the catalyst that launched our friendship to a whole other level. We might have even hung out outside of work for once. But you blew it because you carelessly ignored a key tenet of our friendship: my need to control it.

So next time you discover something that fits my taste in entertainment perfectly, keep it to your fucking self. And while we’re at it, if I show you something I like, even if you know about it, just say you don’t. It’s not worth risking what I consider to be my most valued friendship. So anyway, you ever seen Fight Club?

Utah Congress Passes Controversial “No Clit in the Pit” Bill

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah — Conservative politicians and activists in Utah declared victory today when they passed a new law that will effectively limit all participation in mosh pits to people designated male at birth, multiple sources inside the statehouse confirmed.

“We did it. Utah will now be the first state in the union with all-male mosh pits, the way the founders of Utah hardcore intended,” said staunch Republican and District 27 representative David P. Hinkins. “This bill is, first and foremost, about protecting women. Every venue will now be required to have a special ‘female only’ zone far away from the stage and pit area. The last thing I want to see is one of the upstanding female members of the Utah hardcore scene take a spin kick to the face. The best way we can prevent that is by never allowing them near the pit to begin with.”

Reaction to the law has been very polarizing, with most actual members of the scene expressing outrage, while gigantic posers applauded the law.

“This is legitimate horseshit and shows that Republican lawmakers want to control every aspect of a woman’s life,” said Elena Marpiosa, drummer of local hardcore band Forced Resistance. “Women play in all the bands, we book all the fucking shows, we run all the goddamn venues. Without us all you will have is the occasional battle of the bands where 13-year-olds stumble through Nirvana covers. I can take care of myself at shows.”

This new law is just another in a growing trend of laws meant to further marginalize underrepresented groups.

“Texas and Florida are making headlines with their draconian laws, but there are also other states flying under the radar with more specific restrictions. Kentucky is currently considering a bill that would outlaw playing Limp Wrist in public spaces, and South Carolina just passed legislation that would require women to hold the jackets of men at shows if a coat check isn’t available,” said Kiersten Haas, the head of a watchdog group monitoring right-wing legislation. “We are going backward here. Soon they will ban women from playing music or appearing in public at all.”

At press time, the Iowa congress passed another round of funding to subsidize the state’s overwhelming amount of stage potatoes.

5 Deep Breathing Exercises That Will Not Work Because You’re Attempting Them In Between Bong Rips While Watching A Netflix Documentary About A Serial Killer

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Feeling overwhelmed? You’re not alone! With the hectic pace of the modern world and what feels like a daily barrage of bad news, it can seem impossible to even find a moment of bliss. But peace of mind doesn’t come from social media likes or the seemingly-perfect career. It comes from within, and it starts with taking one deep breath.

Anyone who practices these deep breathing exercises properly can experience a multitude of positive effects, from better sleep to a more relaxed mood. However, they’ll ultimately prove ineffective for you, who is trying them while also taking hits from a resin-soaked bong and half-watching “Memories of a Murderer: The Nilsen Tapes.”

4-7-8 Breathing
Counting can do wonders for calming a restless mind. In this exercise, you inhale to a count of four, hold to a count of seven, and exhale to a count of eight. Of course, you’ll blow it by virtue of the fact that you can’t be trusted to stand up for seven seconds, much less hold your breath. And if you somehow manage to start counting correctly, you’ll soon be derailed by hearing the sentence, “We then found out the pieces of bones from the drain were indeed from a human body.”

Alternate-Nostril Breathing
Known amongst yoga practitioners as nadi shodhana, this exercise involves plugging one nostril with your thumb and the other with your ring finger. Open one nostril at a time, breathing in and out slowly and deeply. You’ll be amazed by how much calmer you feel after even just one cycle, or maybe that’s the “cosmic porcupine” you’ve been toking for the last half hour. Kind of a buzzkill to have that interrupted by hearing how Dennis Nilsen would burn the bodies of his victims in the backyard of his building, though.

Laying on Back
It’s simple — lay on your back and breathe deeply. Place a hand on your stomach and watch it rise and fall with each inhale and exhale the gentle rhythm reminding you of waves lapping upon the shore. Unfortunately, you won’t get to appreciate that connection since you just remembered you put something in the oven like an hour ago and also just heard about how Dennis Nilsen would target young male runaways in London gay bars.

Mantra Breathing
Think of a phrase that makes you feel at peace, and say it with each breath. Try something like saying “I am” on the inhale and “here” on the exhale and see how much better you feel. Unless of course “here” is high in front of your tv learning murder stuff, then it won’t work for shit.

Box Breathing
This is the exact same concept as the 4-7-8 breathing, only you’ll count to four every time. Do this for 10 minutes each day for a week and you’ll find yourself in a state of unadulterated bliss. Of course, your lifestyle doesn’t exactly scream “self discipline” so alternatively, continue to skim through articles like this anytime you’re sober enough to use google, half-ass the exercises, and then just stare into the void of your existence between panic attacks.

How I Saved Money by Not Going to Coachella and Just Did a Ton of Shrooms at Forever 21 Instead

Posted on by Charlie Carey

While thousands of idiots were spending gobs of cash to go to Coachella, I had the exact same experience without the hefty price tag. As a benevolent consumer, I’m here to share my wisdom with all of you. My protip: Skip the pricey festivals and just go do shrooms at Forever 21 instead! In addition to saving money, the benefits include:

Shorter commute
Why travel miles across state lines when you can just drive 20 minutes to the closest mall? This shaves hours off the journey to get there and saves enough time that you can even stop at the food court to get a snack before embarking on your day of fun.

Similar crowd situation
Forever 21’s layout is pretty chaotic. Racks in the middle of walkways and mannequins in inconvenient places make navigating the store just like navigating a crowd at a busy festival. You will bump into just as many objects and need to shove your way through just as many mesh tops and chain belts.

Billie Eilish and Doja Cat are both there
In just under 10 minutes, I was able to hear two of Coachella’s headliners. If you did this right and took a bunch of psychedelics beforehand, there’s enough product around to distract you while the music is playing that you won’t even notice they aren’t physically there.

No one wants you there
Have you ever met someone working at Forever 21? They will give you the same energy as some influencer you ran into that is disgusted to be breathing the same air as you. Their indifference whether you live or die is the perfect setting to become paranoid that you are acting weird.

It’s just as gross
Customer interaction isn’t the only thing those employees hate. They also hate cleaning. The clothes littered on the ground and trash in the changing rooms offer the same ambiance as festival grounds. The bathrooms that haven’t been cleaned in weeks also have the same ‘ick’ factor as a porta-potty.

The lights are just as bright
The contrast of the bright colorful clothes against stark white tiles gives you plenty to look at while you’re tripping, and pairing it with the booming music and hoards of teens, it’s the perfect recipe for a great panic attack. Just like at Coachella!

These are just a few of the advantages of getting high at the mall instead of going to California to do it. If you decide to follow my expert advice and do this instead, just remember that the security guards definitely know you’re high and are going to report you to the secret government organization they are a part of. Happy tripping!