KENOSHA, Wis. — The long-hunted serial murderer known only as The Kenosha Cannibal was pleasantly surprised he could still slip into the first suit he’d made from a victim’s skin, a community of dark web forum commenters confirmed.
“Maybe I’ve got a little body dysmorphia going on because I was sure I must’ve gained fifty pounds over the past decade. When I was younger I’d make a game out of chasing my victims and cutting them up. Lately I’ve just been letting them fall into one of my sadistic traps. It’s lead to a dormant lifestyle,” said the reclusive murderer in a grainy video, seen in silhouette, surrounded by swinging chains, steam and dripping water. “But it turns out the very first skin suit I made out of my first victim still fits like a glove. Granted, I do have to oil up pretty thoroughly to slip it on, but still, it’s great to know I haven’t let myself go too much.”
Online acquaintance and fellow psychopathic murderer The Back Bay Butcher recognized what a feat keeping in shape is for those sharing their unusual proclivities.
“Guys like us spend a lot of time alone in basements, caves or abandoned carnivals, laying low, just eating whatever we want,” said The Butcher in a recent video, seen sharpening a cartoonishly large meat cleaver. “Most of us don’t have anyone we’re trying to stay in shape for. Physically, I’m sort of a Gacy, but Kenosha has more of a Bundy physique. What’s his secret? Fast metabolism? Keto? I know he’s not going to the gym. He’s a little too antisocial for that. Plus, people would probably find his occult facial tattoos and sharpened teeth off-putting.”
FBI profiler Special Agent Eileen Hess explained that vanity is a trait shared by many serial killers—one which can often lead to their capture.
“It’s their hubris that usually brings about their downfall,” said the agent on a midnight stakeout outside a dilapidated doll factory. “If they kept their mouths shut, law enforcement would have a much harder time. Luckily for us, these creeps can’t stop bragging about their latest kill, how they tricked the cops, or in this case, that they’ve managed to maintain their figure despite being well into middle age. We pick up clues from their letters and humble-brag videos which help us to hone in on these lunatics.”
At press time, authorities were closing in on the Rehoboth Ripper after finding clues in an Ice Blood Bucket challenge video released by the killer.