Mom With Interests Unrelated to Her Kids Reported to Child Protective Services

Posted on by Tony Morse

LOS ANGELES — Local mother Meredith Jordan was brought to the attention of Child Protective Services for engaging in activities that don’t include her kids, hypercritical sources confirmed.

“This country is in the toilet because mothers today are so audaciously self-centered, and Meredith is a prime example,” scolded former college acquaintance Jessica Reed. “I’ve had my eye on her ever since she went back to work after her youngest kid started Kindergarten. Her Instagram account is full of red flags including gross date night posts she and her husband do once a month. If her kids don’t become school shooters, they’re gonna make therapists rich describing how mommy gave all her love to daddy instead of them. The last straw was her post about finishing her first Peloton ride. Who the fuck was watching her kids for an entire half-hour? I called the authorities at once.”

Concerns over Jordan’s level of commitment to childrearing have permeated her workplace as well.

“She always shows up on time and stays late if asked. I figured she was just some kiss ass trying to make me look bad, but the truth was darker,” said coworker and fellow graphic designer Mark Jefferson. “Yesterday she mentioned going out to dinner for her son’s birthday after work and I was appalled she wasn’t spending the entire day with him. She tried blaming it on a project deadline for a demanding client, but I wasn’t fooled. I told the investigator she gets off on neglecting her kids while she plays career woman. Pervert.”

Still, one child welfare professional declined to comment on the Jordan Investigation.

“I probably haven’t seen her file yet because we have to ignore every complaint in the order they are received,” commented Head Investigator Michael Schaffer. “Well, that’s not entirely true. Moms with names I can’t pronounce get special task forces assigned, especially if they appear to have healthy adult relationships and hobbies, that’s just protocol.”

At press time, neighbors watched in horror as Jordan walked her dog without her kids.

Uh Oh! Conor Oberst and Phoebe Bridgers Dig Your Vibe and Want To Buy You a Drink

Posted on by Ben Friedman

So you’re blowing off steam after work at an LA Dive bar when you notice, more than a few times, this artsy-looking couple across the bar keeps looking in your direction. It could be the boilermakers talking but they look vaguely familiar. Perhaps you were in the same poetry class in college?

Next thing you know, they’re walking over and it dawns on you that this is no ordinary couple, rather indie-folk megastars Conor Oberst and Phoebe Bridgers! Looks like you picked the right night to wear your Saddle Creek shirt because now they want to buy you a drink and hang out. Your indie cred is going to skyrocket after tonight, surely. But after three whiskey highballs, Phoebe asks if you want to join them at their private table. It’s at that point you realize they might be asking you to join them in more than just Better Oblivion Community Center.

It’s not that hard to get ahead of yourself. I mean this is one of the best songwriters on the planet and the most famous man from Nebraska. Surely they have better things to do than take you back to a hotel room and make you wear the skeleton outfit. Then again, Conor has been patting you on the thigh a lot. Maybe try bringing up Commander Venus less.

Clearly you need to sus out their intentions because the last time you came anywhere close to being involved in a three-way was when your ex asked you to help their friend move. I mean, you have nothing in common with these people! Then again, Phoebe just put “Tangled Up in Blue” on the jukebox, which you’ve always felt was the best Dylan song to fuck to. Is she trying to set the mood or does she just have great taste in music? The jury is still out.

Welp, the bartender just said it’s last call so time to put up or shut up. Do you just assume you’re going with them? They’re probably staying at a nice hotel. The kind with the full bottles of wine in the minifridges. You’re either in for a night of passion or a free guitar lesson, which either way is a win-win.

Friend Not Sure Whether to Congratulate or Console Newly Pregnant Woman

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BERLIN, Wisc. — Local friend Cassie Aragon was not sure whether to meet Maggie Baumgarter’s news that she’s pregnant with excitement or deep sympathy after being told earlier today, according to equally conflicted sources.

“I thought we were just meeting for our usual Sunday morning walk but I knew something was up when she said she ‘wasn’t telling many people yet’ but had to let me know something,” recalled Aragon, of the bombshell dropped by her friend which she’s still not sure how to feel about, really. “It was hard to read whether she was excited or suicidally upset because she just said ‘I’m pregnant’ with basically no emotion. I’ve heard her use more inflection when ordering an everything bagel. I wasn’t sure if I should say ‘congratulations,’ or ‘I’m sorry’ because she does like her boyfriend right now but also doesn’t have health insurance, so I’m not saying shit and am just gonna follow her lead.”

Aragon’s friend and presumed future mom, Baumgarter, wasn’t sure how to interpret her close friend’s reaction to the news.

“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with Cassie,” an 11-weeks pregnant Baumgarter stated. “This is the biggest news of my life and she’s literally the first person I told and all she said was ‘oh wow, and how do you feel about that?’ She sent me a text with emojis I didn’t even know existed after she found out there was another ‘Jersey Shore’ series set in Florida and when I told her I’m having a baby she just got all nervous and said something about allergies. She’s probably just jealous because I’m the first one of our friends who will be a mom.”

Friendship experts confirmed that excitement reserved for such news is held on a case-by-case basis, with various factors affecting the appropriate response.

“Generally speaking, if a friend is under 22 or over 38, news like this is pretty hard to know how to respond to, considering everyone involved could potentially have their life ruined because of it,” said terrible communicator and passive aggression specialist, Dani Grist. “If you’re on the receiving end of the news and aren’t sure how to respond, the best course of action is to make a surprised face and say absolutely nothing, or offer them a drink and assess where their head is at based on which choice they make.”

At press time, Aragon was seen not being sure how to react upon hearing news that a different friend had just gotten back together with her ex after one month apart.

11 Facts About GG Allin

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

Love him or hate him, there will only ever be one GG Allin (hopefully). Here is a compilation of some of the craziest facts about punk’s most divisive turd-slinger, because everything written about him reads like satire anyway.

Real Name

GG Allin’s birth name was Jesus Christ, named after the words he screamed when exiting his mother’s womb. The midwife was so stunned that she swallowed her own tongue, producing a guttural groan that would inspire his shortened name, “GG”.

Psychic Child

As a baby, his father believed that Allin would have incredible powers. Baby GG then proved his father right as he predicted his own future by constantly shitting himself.

Musical Inspiration

Hank Williams was his idol and they relished in each other’s mutual admiration. In a funny circle-of-life moment, the Hank Williams-covering Walmart yodel kid claimed in a recent interview that his biggest musical inspiration is GG Allin.

Bald is Beautiful

Allin adopted his signature bald look after shaving his head at a wild celebration party for Donald Trump firing his 500th employee. The leftover hair was kept by Trump and is still woven into his toupees to this day.

Tattoo Trouble

He would spend 4.5 hours each day applying his famous lick ‘n’ stick tattoos, none of which he could commit to permanently due to his debilitating fear of needles.

Straight Edge 4 Life?

Allin famously lived a prosperous Straight Edge lifestyle throughout much of his twenties, refusing any substances and berating those who offered them to him. Until eventually he realized he just wasn’t ready to take on the day before his morning cup of Joe!

Party Pooper

He debuted his infamous trick of defecating on stage in 1985. This was actually an accident, as he had eaten some bad fish tacos before the gig, but Allin played it off as intentional and was forced to repeat the act throughout his career to avoid the embarrassment of admitting he had unintentionally shat himself in public.

Scat Clap

Gary Glitter was enamored by Allin’s antics and used the sound of him shitting in his hands and clapping in the background of ‘Rock n Roll pt. 2’

Alternate Life

When asked what he would be if he wasn’t a punk rock menace, Allin stated he wanted to be a policeman, the people he looked up to most in society. In his will, he even left a large portion of his wealth to the NYPD, which they used to top up their supply of incriminating evidence.

Mixed Reviews

The most insufferable punks you know will recall seeing Allin live with great fondness, while others would dispute that just entering the venue ruined their life. But shockingly, despite hundreds of punks of a certain vintage claiming to have survived a GG Allin gig, he never actually performed a single live show.

Rest in Poop

Allin was buried with a bottle of Jim Beam as he had requested prior to his death. Pretty cool! He was also buried with a soul that was destined to hell for the disgusting way he lived his life.

Couple Seems to Think Their Uncomfortable Bickering Is Charming

Posted on by Matt McInerney

LAS VEGAS — Local couple Riley Flores and Sarah Murkowski are under the false impression that their constant arguing is a fun quirk of their relationship that everyone enjoys, confirmed sources who are frequently uncomfortable when out with the couple.

“It’s endless with them. At Chelsea’s dinner party, Riley decided it would be funny to start loudly mocking Sarah in front of everyone because her mom was on welfare when she was a kid. This turned into an hour of them roasting each other, until finally, Sarah started crying and everyone tried to sneak out the back door,” said longtime friend Cameron Pineda. “Or that time at Tiffany and Liam’s wedding, when Sarah spent the entire night pointing out how embarrassing Riley is in public. He was using the wrong fork or he should have bought a new jacket because he’s too fat for this one. Eventually, she started doing this tiny penis gesture toward him. That’s when he freaked out and threw a glass.”

No one knows who gave Flores the misguided idea that anyone likes this behavior, but he seems to live for the attention.

“Our friends love our banter! I’ve got some great zingers, and it helps lighten the mood because people always think that’s funny. And my sex jokes are especially good too, I always get a big reaction if I talk about some of the kinky butt stuff Sarah is into. Let’s just say she’s eaten more chocolate than a taste tester at M&M’s,” said Riley smirking. “Honestly, sometimes we get on a roll and I don’t even know what’s going on! We just improv like a classic sitcom couple. We always get a big laugh. Or a groan I guess. But you know what they say! Any reaction is a good reaction! Or something like that I’m pretty sure.”

Page Gryphon, a psychologist and relationship counselor, has observed many partners like this in the wild.

“Every friend group has a couple like this. They think of themselves as the life of the party and have no qualms airing each other’s dirty laundry. Every incident follows a predictable pattern: it starts as lighthearted bickering, but they amp each other up until one of them breaks. They will then do something dramatic and everyone wonders if they need to call the cops,” said Gryphon. “If you can’t picture who this couple is, it might be you and your partner.”

At press time, the couple was searching their inbox, wondering why no one had RSVP’d to their rented boat party, even though they had sent out fun invites that said ‘9 pm until ?’ weeks ago.

Needles, Feces, and Mold: Inside Philadelphia’s Cleanest Bus

Posted on by Reece Napierski

To the untrained eye, SEPTA bus 8111 appears to be any other 2005 New Flyer D40LF. It is capable of an impressive 450 horsepower and sports a powerful Thunderbolt Powertrain. But what lay beneath this unassuming facade is luxury defined.

When I first entered this palace of public transit and only slightly smelled mold, I momentarily considered that I may have been transported to a dimension of unadulterated pleasure. I thought I had entered a bus, yet as I stepped over a mere single piece of poop, I felt as if I had stepped into Mardan Palace. My God, had I stumbled upon the cleanest bus in the city of Philadelphia?

I sauntered down the smooth silicone rubber floor and inhaled the humid, diesel fume-tainted air. To my astonishment, I even found a bus seat that was completely absent of used needles.

I continued my journey down the aisle and careened my head upwards. I admired a single circle of dark green mold, like an eclipse in the middle of a bright blue sky that would give me a sore throat if I touched it.

“Look where the fuck you’re going, you fuckin’ clown.” cried one of my fellow passengers as I failed to negotiate his outstretched leg. I was on the floor and my hands were firmly in a mystery liquid. A quick whiff confirmed it was simply life-sustaining Gatorade. Under normal circumstances I might have worried that I was exposed to hepatitis, but not on Bus 8111. The only thing I had been exposed to were the wonders of a modestly funded and well-managed public transit system.

Go birds.

LimeWire User Shouts Out for Band to Play lynyrd_skynyrd_zz_top_ccr_song_freebird_rock.mp3

Posted on by Valley Simone

CHICAGO — Local music pirate Adam Crawford attempted to get members of Space Motel to play “Free Bird” by shouting out the name of a poorly labeled file he found on LimeWire in 2007, confirmed multiple confused show attendees.

“I have been shouting out for the headlining band to play lynyrd_skynyrd_zz_top_ccr_song_freebird_rock.mp3 at shows ever since I found a full version that didn’t randomly start playing audio from a ‘Family Guy’ episode 15 seconds into the song,” Crawford explained while playing Snake on his flip phone. “It’s never worked. I usually just get blank stares from the people around me and the band always dismisses me like I’m some sort of freak, but I will never stop trying as long as I have beer and a voice. I’m kind of a champion for the people in that way.”

Space Motel ignored Crawford’s request to play the song despite his repeated, loud efforts.

“I heard some drunk guy screaming a random string of words, and punctuations, but I could still distinctly hear ‘Free Bird’ amongst the jumble,” explained Space Motel vocalist Dylan Lynch. “I tried to ignore him because that joke has plagued me since I started playing live music and I have never found it funny. Honestly though, I was more concerned that he was having some sort of mental breakdown. He sounded like someone that was having a break with reality. I asked security to check if he was ok and they just said ‘we don’t get paid to coach people through nervous breakdowns.’”

Media professor Ramona Werner studies music accessibility at DePaul University and is very aware of LimeWire and its users.

“LimeWire is a now-defunct platform that provided access to free music downloads for countless people, but often the song titles were superfluous or mislabeled,” said Werner. “In my research I have found that to this day LimeWire users will erroneously name songs or attribute a song to the wrong artist. To be frank, the accessibility of correctly labeled music on the internet in modern times should make it easy to find the correct names of songs, but the problem still persists. Even Youtube, a legitimate pit of misinformation, has better labeling on their videos. In a manuscript I am currently writing, I attribute this phenomenon to deliberate ignorance and misplaced overconfidence.”

At press time, Crawford was eating a hot dog and listening to led_zeppelin_black_paint_roll_stones_sex.mp3 on his Zune.

You’ve Been Peeling Bananas Wrong Your WHOLE LIFE! You PIECE OF SHIT! You SUBHUMAN MOUTHBREATHER! I Hope You FUCKING DIE!

Posted on by John Danek

This one simple trick will change your life! Because whether you know it or not, you’ve been peeling bananas wrong your whole life. Yes, you. The stupid looking bloke right there. Jesus.

You’re not supposed to peel it with your hands and fingers like some damn prehistoric primate. You’re supposed to bite the bottom nub off, chuck it at the wall like a hand grenade, and collect the flesh directly with your mouth. Seriously, how in the actual living FUCK did you not know that? I just spit on the ground, just thinking about you.

You know what ELSE you’ve been doing wrong? Signing bank checks. Look at you, dopey little dipshit just writing a squiggly ink somewhat resembling your name in cursive, acting like everything is all hunky-dory. Well it isn’t, motherfucker. And it’s time to pay the piper.

Next time you have to write a check for your idiot pills, do it the right way: take off all your clothes, clutch the pen with the crook of your knee, pin the check against the wall, and try to get as much ink on the check while loudly humming the theme from the sitcom Taxi. How did you ever get out of your dogshit public school being so stupid???

Oh, for fuck’s sake! Are you FUCKING kidding me??? You really don’t know how to quickly determine the amount you should tip on a dinner check? I’m sorry. I can’t go on. Fuck you. FUCK. YOU.

Apparently mankind crawled out of the goddamn sea for you to sit there and drool your way through life?!? No, NO. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. You are a piece of shit. A fraction of a turd of shit. Nothing more. There will be a day you die and everyone will breathe a sigh of relief.

No, hope is no longer enough. I have to take matters into my own hands. I’m going to fucking kill you myself. I’M GOING TO DO IT. BECAUSE I CAN’T LIVE ON THIS EARTH ANY LONGER KNOWING YOU ARE ON IT WITH ME EATING BANANAS THE WRONG WAY AND SIGNING CHECKS LIKE A MORON!

Click HERE for more tips.

Lesbian Tattoo Parlor Only Offers Celtic Knots and Dog Portraits

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

EUGENE, Ore. — Lesbian-owned tattoo parlor Rock Scissored Paper offers its dedicated clientele a variety of tattoo options as long as they are Celtic knots or dog portraits and absolutely nothing else, confirmed multiple happy customers.

“Listen, any entrepreneur will tell you that you’ve gotta find your market. I’ve run this place for fifteen years, and I quickly realized that the top designs for us–dog portraits and Celtic knots–are really our bread and butter. So we narrowed our focus and began to offer those pieces exclusively,” said business owner Cee Snyder gesturing to the framed pieces of flash on the all-black walls. “It worked. We have women from all over the Pacific Northwest drive their Subarus up to our humble shop to get their calves tattooed. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

Artist Julia “Jo” Collins offered her inside perspective and her hopes of someday expanding the shop’s artistic offerings.

“I know that the Pitbulls in flower crowns are super popular, but like, God, I won’t lie—I’m getting a little sick of doing the same few things over and over again. I did four separate Triquetras in one day last week,” Collins said while on her smoke break. “Honestly, if Cee paid any attention to Instagram, she would know that there are more trends out there for our clientele. My pipe dream is to add botanical illustrations of root vegetables to our roster. That sort of thing would absolutely crush with the University of Oregon crowd.”

Repeat client Mack Shanley expressed that some prospects, however, may feel out of place due to the limited catalog.

“I’ve been coming here a long time, and while I’ve seen plenty of regulars, there are some folks who show up and leave empty-handed,” Shanley said while getting a blackwork portrait of her dog Buffy on her shoulder. “It’s the bi women in particular who have a tough time. The flash books are so repetitive, you know? There are no watercolor Triforce tattoos or like, really long skinny swords. They all wind up going to the piercing shop down the street to get their septums done.”

Snyder was unable to be reached for further comment, as she was busy engaging in a Facebook comment war with a previous client who allegedly purchased their puppy from a breeder.

Opinion: You Can Get Pretty Fucked Up Off Non-Alcoholic Mouthwash Too

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

It started out like any other Tuesday. I was day-drinking with my usual tallboys of Bud Light Chelada with Clamato, when I realized that I was running low. The desire to continue chasing the dragon with spicy tomato and sweet clam broth was so strong that I had to venture out for another case. I ran into a problem when the liquor store around the corner was closed for their lunch break. I didn’t want to lose my buzz, so when I got home I had to quickly find a viable solution.

I ran to the medicine cabinet because I knew my girlfriend just bought a bunch of toiletries and went straight for the mouthwash. This is when I came to the most unfortunate realization: there was no alcohol in this mouthwash. Not even a sliver of a percent. But at this point, my buzz was fading, I had clams on my breath, and I knew that desperate measures would call for desperate actions. Without putting much further thought into it, I tilted my head back and started chugging. I immediately felt a surging rush of wintergreen and benzoic acid and thought I made a mistake. But get this… it started working.

It wasn’t the usual buzz I was used to, but man I definitely ended up passing out and pissing my pants. You heard it here first, guys. You can get just as zonked off non-alcoholic mouthwash as you can with the hard stuff.

I think the best part of this realization is that my girlfriend wasn’t even mad at me. I typically get way too drunk way too early and trash the place. But she said when she found me this time I was just kind of twitching in one spot, and the rest of the place was in decent shape. I apparently even got my soiled clothes into the wash during my blackout, which is another total win. Plus, she was complimenting my breath all night! I just wish my stomach could handle sudden movements because I ended up puking all over her mid-make-out sesh.

The moral of the story is that in a pinch any mouthwash will do, but you gotta make sure you’re mixing the right flavors. What I really think needs to happen is that we need to petition Big Mouthwash to make some better mixers. If we got a berry flavor in the mix on some of those new spiked seltzers, the sky should be the limit. It’d at least be better than my spearmint and clam juice beta test.