Cursed Film? Everyone Who Worked On Nosferatu Is Now Deceased

Posted on by Mike Moran

This year mark’s the 100th anniversary of the Classic German Horror film, Nosferatu: A Symphony of Terror. But unfortunately, the celebrations will have to be without both the cast and crew of said Expressionist Masterpiece, as in a macabre twist of fate, EVERYONE involved in the filming of Nosferatu has since passed on.

Eerie coincidence? Or something far more sinister?

The Phenomenon of the Cursed Horror Film is, of course, nothing new. The hit 80s film “Poltergeist” was infamous for the tragedies that seemed to hit the cast and crew, including the untimely death of two of the film’s stars. “The Exorcist” experienced mysterious on-set accidents throughout its production. And of course the filming of “Halloween: Resurrection” resulted in the creation and release of the film, Halloween: Resurrection.

Though Gen-Zer’s the world over are stricken on this anniversary with “Nosfu-fever,” we won’t be seeing Gustav von Wangenheim (or “Gus Vo”) walking the red carpet at the MTV TV and Movie Awards this year. The same goes for “It Girl,” Greta Schröder, who challenged gender norms with her ankle-high hemline and, defiant lack of an S-bend corset.

As for lead actor Max Shreck he won’t be rising from his tomb anytime soon as our sources advise (and police reports verify) his corpse is still very much in a state of extreme decay, with projections of only further decay to come.

Some deny the existence of a Nosferatu curse, or the notion of a cursed film in general, but how do those people explain the tragic automobile accident that claimed the life of director F.W Murnau? How can skeptics explain the mysterious death of writer Henrik Galeen at the tender age of 70? And what about the sickening nightmare that drove costume designer Albin Grau to madness, I bet?

Famed Buzzkill, Michael Shermer of Skeptic Magazine, weighed in on the phenomenon of Cursed Films, stating lamely, “There is literally only one person alive who was of adult age when “Nosferatu” was released. Her name is Lucille Randon and she turned 118 this year.”

Even skeptics admit that everyone who even saw the original run of Nosferatu in the theater is now dead, making it empirically the most cursed film of all time.

Review: Gleemer “Here at All”

Posted on by James Knapp

This week we were excited to take a look at the new Gleemer EP “Here at All.” That excitement quickly turned into abject terror and uncouth exploitative business practices. Read on to find out more.

To begin, we were initially thrilled when we received our vinyl copy of the EP. But the thrill soon turned to terror after we quickly noticed that an icky bug must have gotten into packaging somehow and was just sitting on top of our record.

We tried shooing it away but the fucking thing wouldn’t move. We ended up trying to smash that bug so many times with a nearby AP style guide that we inadvertently ended up obliterating the EP in the process.

It was only then that we realized that the bug was a part of the album artwork. Gross! What the fuck was Gleemer thinking putting some super creepy bug on the cover? Don’t they realize this will undoubtedly lead to many many more smashed records as a result of bug-based fear fatigue?

Of course they did! This was their plan all along!

See, we figured out their scheme. They sell one record to an unsuspecting fan who has to spend their hard-earned lottery winnings on it, but then when they get it they are greeted by a spooky bug and “eek!” they smash that album to Smithereens.

Then they realize “oh it’s not a real bug” and they feel angry that Gleemer tricked them but they still want to listen to the record so they have no choice but to go buy another copy and now the band just got double fucking sales!

Man, they must be some real diabolical sellouts to pull a scheme like that. I mean, even after we got our second copy of the EP we were still a bit hesitant to open it knowing we were gonna have to see that damn bug and, perhaps just from instinct, might end up smashing it again.

So if you feel like paying twice and giving yourself a real scare then go ahead with Gleemer’s “Here at All” but otherwise we’d avoid it.

SCORE: 1 out of 5 exploitative, bug-based money schemes

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Band Really Riding Line Between Being on Tour and Being Homeless

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

INDIANAPOLIS — Allegedly touring pop punk band Deaf Hippos is really blurring the line between actively playing shows outside their hometown and not having a consistent place to sleep at night, concerned for their welfare sources confirmed.

“I don’t think it’s fair to classify us as homeless just because we don’t technically have anything you could consider a mailing address, much less a safe place to sleep and keep our belongings. We’re a touring band. Would you call fuckin’ U2 or whoever homeless when they embark on a global stadium tour? It’s not any different when we live in our van while playing three shows over five weeks,” said Deaf Hippos singer Poppie Graziani. “This is what punk rock is all about. Taking baby wipe baths in Sunoco bathrooms, sucking on ketchup packages for sustenance, and sleeping five deep in a 1997 Astro Van.”

More recently, the band has been crashing on the basement floor of local man and naive supporter of the local music scene Bryant Vaughn.

“I first met the DH crew when I caught them stealing a drink from my garden hose. I always like to help out touring bands, so when they said they had a gig in town I gave them a place for the night. That was almost a month ago,” said Vaughn. “I became really suspicious after they brought their bindles in the house and started complaining about ‘railroad bulls,’ whatever that means. And they have yet to play a gig unless you count playing harmonica while begging for change on my front porch as a gig.”

Local advocate for unhoused people Abby Robinson expressed her frustration with bands “cosplaying as hobos.”

“People experiencing homelessness deserve to be treated with dignity just like everybody else. Well, everybody else except musicians. They can go straight to hell,” said Robinson. “Touring bands have made my job infinitely harder. We want to help people who are struggling to get back on their feet. Not prop up some shitty avant-garde noise outfit from Cleveland that got paid negative $212 at their last gig because their theremin blew out the venue’s PA system.”

Recently, Deaf Hippos announced via their Facebook page that they will be extending the tour after Graziani learned her mom still isn’t letting her back in the house because of that awful thing she did in her birdbath.

Air Conditioner Water Dripping on Crust Punk’s Head Technically Counts as Shower

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local crust punk Ben “Diggz” Cooper asserts that the steady drip of a window-mounted air conditioner he stood under for 15 seconds is “as good” as any shower, skeptical sources confirmed.

“I knew I needed to look somewhat presentable for my sister’s upcoming wedding,” said Cooper while his dog ate the remains of a discarded roast chicken. “I planned on doing my normal routine and going to the car wash to hose myself down, but on my way there I noticed a lot of water dripping into a murky puddle on the sidewalk and realized I could save myself $4. Man, I forgot how refreshing a shower can be! I used some hand soap I took from a Mighty Taco bathroom and it was like I was in a fancy spa. Honestly, I feel like the King of England, people don’t even dry heave when I ask them for a cigarette.”

Linda Nowak, the owner of the apartment and air conditioning unit, witnessed the bizarre sight.

“I went to look out my window to see if my Grubhub driver was there, and I saw this rough-looking guy in his underwear taking the slowest most ineffective shower in the history of mankind,” Nowak explained. “Remember that viral video of the NYC rat supposedly washing itself? That’s what it looked like! Except this guy totally looked clueless during the entire process. I mean, I guess it’s fine that he wants to wash using my AC water, but it seriously looked like a Caveman seeing fire for the first time or something.”

Longtime Buffalo punk scene veteran Don Chlebek gave a little bit of history on the hygiene practices of local crusties.

“Ahhh yes, when I heard the story about Diggz bathing under the AC unit, it brought me back to the days of old. Back when punks used to improvise a bit when it came to not being stinky,” said Chlebek while pulling up his dingy pair of pants. “If we had a court appearance or something, a quick way to freshen up would be to rub yourself down with a slightly used urinal cake, sit beside a campfire for a few hours, or jump in the lake and hope for the best. None of it actually works, but that placebo effect can give you the confidence you need to get through the day.”

At press time, Cooper was seen using half a bottle of Febreze to try and mask his stench for the wedding.

Photo by Jana Miller.

I Don’t Understand Why We Still Do Internet When Black Mirror Proved It Was Bad in 2014

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s been said that life imitates art, but from where I’m standing, it never learns from it. Here you are, reading this article on the internet, an invention that the television show “Black Mirror” proved would doom us to a world of Machiavellian horror, meritocracy-based confinement, and for some reason pig fucking.

Seriously, everyone is just okay with this?

When people first started doing the internet it was just a convenient way to shop and masturbate to things that were embarrassing to seek in real life. But when the greatest minds of our civilization, television writers, sat down and extrapolated the natural trajectory of the world wide web, they predicted a digital hellscape.

They created the series “Black Mirror” to warn humanity of the doomed road it was on. In it they proved that the internet, while pretty cool at the time, would go on to do bad stuff like manipulating the population, copying our minds, and making Jon Hamm act against type. The world’s response? An 8.8 on IMDB. Pretty, good, but not great.

When you wake up to find that you’re just a copy of yourself downloaded by some pervert you work with to satisfy his depraved appetites, don’t say that you weren’t warned.

Holy shit. The black mirror is our SCREENS when they aren’t on! I JUST realized that!

Every tweet you send brings us one step closer to a world where our children become apps and love is punishable by execution on reality television. Every time you click like on a photo of your friend’s brunch or child, what you’re really liking is a digital dystopia where cold, emotionless algorithms make everything all creepy and weird all the time just to like, scare us.

A lot of the bad stuff from “Black Mirror” has already come to pass. People are addicted to video games, Donald Trump was elected president, and I can’t crack TikTok because the Chinese government considers me a threat I assume. Do the future a favor and throw your devices into the ocean to prevent more of “Black Mirror’s” cautionary tales from becoming a reality, except for the Star Trek one because that seems cool.

Well It Wouldn’t Be “Self” Medicating if You Grew a Pair and Prescribed Me Whiskey

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

People call whiskey a crutch, but through the good times, the bad times, and the boring times, it’s more of a companion. So when this psychiatrist started throwing around hip new buzzwords like “self-medicating“, I was like, “Okay buddy, maybe I’ll stop doing your job for you if you grow some stones and write me a whiskey ‘scrip!”

Whatever your poison, these shrinks are all just pissed off that we can cope without them. At first, I was flattered that he thought of me as a medical professional, self-administering shots of Jack, but soon his tone of judgment and disapproval became clear.

Oh, so the drug I chose is bad, but you just so happen to have the magic pill?! Sounds a little infomercial-y to me.

How can you have a problem with whiskey when I wouldn’t have been able to bring up these so-called “issues” in our sessions without it?

Sometimes I’m not even “self” medicating at all. One time, at this Tiger Tits show, the singer shot whiskey into my mouth with a super soaker. More got in my eyes than in my mouth, but still, Dr. Tiger Tits knew what I needed. Sometimes a bartender starts pouring that shit straight into my mouth. Relax you COVID nuts, I don’t suck from it like a calf anymore… I open-throat it like a baby bird!

Sure, like any great medication whisky has negative side effects. Side effects that I believe would be far less severe if this quack stopped forcing do down Jack Daniels every god damned day a prescribed me clean, medical grade whisky, produced in a proper lab.

I just don’t get why it’s so all-or-nothing with whiskey. Like, if you think I drink too much, take your little pad out and prescribe me a regimented intake. When I wake up in cold sweat from a stressful dream, one shot. When I’m scrambling to get the kids fed and out the door for school, and now I’m rushing to work without showering or brushing my teeth, two shots! When a mental health professional diagnoses me with clinical depression and wants to turn me into some pill popper, three shots!

You can write it out in milliliters or CCs to keep it “professional” or whatever. Just nut the fuck up and do it already, my kids have soccer tonight!

Fan of the Most Popular Metal Band in the World Upset Other People Are Listening to Them

Posted on by Charlie Carey

CHICAGO — Local metalhead Rust Jenkins expressed his disgust that several people he knows began listening to his favorite underground metal band following the conclusion of the fourth season of “Stranger Things,” confirmed sources close to the situation.

“It’s like nothing else matters,” said Jenkins while washing his Metallica comforter after spilling a bottle of Metallica branded maple syrup onto his bed. “All these new posers are coming out of the woodwork saying they like Metallica all of the sudden because they were on some bullshit Netflix show. I discovered them the old-fashioned way; by watching them hundreds of times on MTV and listening to them on rock radio every single day. It makes me sick to think the next time I see Metallica I’ll be surrounded by a stadium full of fair weather fans and dorks.”

“‘Master of Puppets’ isn’t even their best song,” added Jenkins. “These dorks should check out the deeper cuts like ‘Enter Sandman,’ ‘Until It Sleeps,’ ‘The Memory Remains,’ ‘The Unforgiven,’ ‘Nothing Else Matters,’ ‘One,’ ‘The Day That Never Comes,’ or ‘My Apocalypse.’”

Alice Henderson defended her recent Metallica fandom and why she hadn’t supported them when they still played clubs in the early ‘80s.

“I was born in 2007,” said Henderson. “I’m only 15. Metallica has been a band for 41 years. That’s older than my parents. I didn’t choose to be born nearly 20 years after Metallica released their best album, but now I have a bunch of dudes with multiple DUIs saying I’m not a ‘real fan.’ You would think that adults have better things to do with their time, but I guess not. That generation is so soft.”

Music historian Vincent Smith expressed his concern for the future of fan bases being invaded by posers.

“Nothing’s sacred anymore, I mean, what are people going to pretend to like next, Kate Bush?” said Smith. “This new generation of music fans have no idea what it’s like to buy a record or CD and look through the liner notes to discover new bands. If I hadn’t looked at the liner notes in the Offspring ‘Smash’ album I might have never discovered Rancid. Instead these kids are being spoonfed the hits, and soon they will listen to the entire Metallica discography, listen to ‘Load’ and realize they made a huge mistake.”

At press time, Jenkins was holding court at a local bar yelling about how if these “fans” were real, they would listen to other smaller metal bands as well like Slayer and Black Sabbath.

Art School Couple Having Trouble Choosing Which Terrible Movie They’ll Pretend to Love This Week

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – Sophomore Cinema and Media Studies power couple Rumi Saito and Kyle Reynolds are having difficulty selecting a dogshit film they will spend most of the runtime pretending to love and understand no matter how terrible it is, annoyed roommates confirm.

“Tonight’s choice is difficult: ‘Citizen Kane’ or ‘American Beauty.’ I can’t decide which movie about men with mental health issues we should lose interest in halfway through. How do you choose between a post-mortem therapy session treasure hunt or the story of a creepy dad who’s trying to bang teenage girls played by a guy that was trying to bang teenage boys? They’re both such… poetically tragic portrayals of Western masculinity’s collapse, I think,” said Saito while trying to look like she gave a shit. “Most of my peers are content watching the same mindless drivel cranked out for the MCU, but I’d honestly rather dissect classic films like ‘The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie’ because the performances in that movie are far more powerful than any superhero.”

Reynolds expressed similar devotion to the power of cinematic storytelling.

“I get physically ill seeing realistic depictions of interpersonal conflict, so I’m struggling to pick which movie will fuel my simmering existential terror tonight,” Reynolds explained while gathering up popcorn, soda, and prescriptions. “Last week, we viewed Paul Thomas Anderson’s ‘There Will Be Blood,’ and watching it felt like I was being yelled at by my dad from his hospital bed all over again. The anxiety sweats and stomach ache I endured made it a masterpiece because you have to suffer debilitating amounts of intestinal pain to understand art.”

Indiana University Media Studies professor Dr. Cordett Nelson has yet to decide if Saito and Reynolds are art-savvy critics with a meta-understanding of film or if they chose the arts to score cheap drugs and bullshit their course work.

“I’m pretty sure they’re like most art students: full-of-shit-trust-fund-jackoffs, but I’ve never stopped thinking about their presentation on the futuristic—yet accurate—portrayal of lactose intolerance in ‘A Clockwork Orange,’” Dr. Nelson revealed while pretending to care about the essays he was grading. “They made me realize I had never seen someone be allergic to milk before I saw the film. Maybe they’re onto something.”

The couple was unavailable for further comment as they were snorting lines of Adderall to help them finish a class presentation establishing the neo-Marxist tenets of Minions movies.

Conservatives Demand Representation With Openly Racist Marvel Hero

Posted on by Ben Friedman

FORT MEYERS, Fla. — Conservative advocacy group Bring Back America’s Heroes petitioned Marvel to update their roster of heroes with a character who is openly and unabashedly racist, industry insiders reported.

“For too long we’ve had to endure superheroes of different races, creeds, and colors acting like they’re better than us because they can fly and have the greater good in mind. We are calling on Marvel to do the right thing and give the silent majority a superhero who believes this country was better when it was segregated,” said petition creator Hank McDonald. “It’s hard for me to believe that having super strength and wanting America’s borders to be closed indefinitely are mutually exclusive. We just want a hero in which we can see ourselves, someone who doesn’t want affordable housing built in their neighborhood.”

Signers of the petition sounded off on “woke” heroes and demanded Marvel be more inclusive of their ideology.

“You can’t go anywhere without some PC bullshit being shoved down your throat, and all these reboots have phased out solid, red-blooded American fictional men in tights. Ever since I found out the Punisher hates cops and the X-Men are some civil rights metaphorical bullshit, I’ve felt like I have no voice,” said Trevor Mills. “It’d be so easy, too. Like, what if it was someone who lives in the suburbs and patrols the US-Mexico border called ‘Texas Man’ or something. I mean I don’t read comics ‘cause they’re for fucking nerds but it would just be nice to know there’s a meta-human out there adorned in a Big Dog t-shirt and MAGA cap fighting the libs.”

Marvel executives were aware of the petition but didn’t indicate that they would be taking it seriously.

“Seems like every week some fair weather fan emails us in all caps because they saw a brown person in a cape. We want to include all walks of life and backgrounds in the MCU pantheon, but last I checked characters keen on marginalizing an entire group of people based on race were, you know, the villains,” said Marvel rep Louise Francesca. “We’ve already done standalone stories for Dr. Doom and Magneto, but if these folks are looking for something obscenely backward, they’re more than welcome to read ‘Tin Tin in the Congo’ and then promptly fuck off.”

After days of relentless pressure, Marvel announced they would release a one-off “What If?…” issue in which Peter Parker attends the University of Alabama.

How to Spot the Warning Signs Before a Friend Becomes a Real Estate Agent

Posted on by Dave McNamara

Life can be hard. The demands of school, work, our social lives, and family can make it difficult for even the most stable of us to stay afloat. So what happens when those of us who may not be that stable are dealt a blow like a breakup, getting fired, or decades of reckless behavior coming back to haunt you all at once?

For some, this can lead to a decision that no one wants to see a loved one make: becoming a real estate agent. So how can you spot the warning signs before they take that tragic step? Keep an eye out for some of these tell-tale signs before it’s too late:

Changes in appearance
– Excessive blazer usage
– Wearing dress shirts that cover up the tattoo on their forearm of two PBR cans sixty-nining one another.
– Always smelling like either TJ Maxx cologne or jasmine air spray
– Uncommon hygiene practices like actually shaving or wearing deodorant

Changes in behavior
– Having an annoyingly positive outlook on any situation
– Giving unsolicited updates on refinancing rates or constant reference to “the market”
– Actually being able to explain the concept of “escrow”
– No longer engaging in activities they once enjoyed, like sharing a gram of coke on the toilet paper dispenser at TGI Fridays on a Wednesday night

Changes in how they speak to you and others
– Constant references to ‘dormers’ or ‘backsplashes’ in other houses
– Thinly veiled racist comments on “up and coming” neighborhoods
– Referring to the 250 sq. ft basement studio they rent as “Cozy”
– Answering their phone by giving their name, not ‘sup dickhead?

Changes in what they post online
– Photos of beautiful outdoor scenes or houses accompanied by “not a bad day at the office”
– New social media accounts popping up using their actual name, not scumfuc82
– Using hashtags like #business #entrepreneur or #myvoicejustnaturallysoundslikethisihaventbeenpartyingallnight

Remember, sometimes the warning signs are not clear-cut. They might be evasive while just starting out due to shame or guilt. But without intervention, it could very easily lead to invitations to open houses you will never be able to afford or being asked to give business cards to friends and colleagues. More than anything, this dark road will usually lead to them being a total buzzkill to hang around with.

While 90% of real estate endeavors are simply phases that will pass due to a lack of skills and talent, it’s important to try to be there for your friends and loved ones before it’s too late.