PHOENIX — Local punk Frankie “Bullet” Higgins is quietly and privately working through the trauma of leaving his Yellow American Spirits sitting in the scorching and unforgiving heat of his roommate’s 2013 Hyundai Element, sources confirmed.
“That was embarrassing to say the least. It still is,” said Higgins, struggling to maintain eye contact behind his broken and borrowed sunglasses. “But this rarely ever happens. My smokes are by my side, every day, 24/7. I’ve never had an issue. I remember making this sly joke and reaching for my cigarettes and realizing they were stuck in the car. I ran down 18 flights of stairs and across a huge parking lot to save them. We all just had a really crazy night last night and they just got away from me. It’ll never happen again, that’s for damn sure.”
Apparently, this string of irresponsible behavior from Higgins has gone on for much longer than a month.
“We’ve had to rescue his cigarettes over a dozen times in the last year,” said neighbor and ex-bandmate Daryl Davies. “We’ve saved them from the heat, from the rain, you name it. He’ll just get drunk, lose his cigarettes, and just start going into someone else’s pack. Last August, we found a pack at the bottom of a Motel 6 pool. There were 16 smokes left in there. So much life ahead of that pack. He was so hungover, he didn’t even notice.”
Natural American Spirits representative Jessie Smith weighed in on the incident..
“We here at Natural American Spirits send our best wishes to Mr. Higgins – and more so his pack. We value Mr. Higgins as a lifelong customer and hope he walks away from this experience having learned something. Our hearts and thoughts go out to every cigarette lost and neglected along the way. This just reminds us that in these trying times, we need to remember to look outside of ourselves and look out for each other, especially our dearest loved ones. Remember, as next summer comes around – if you’re hot, they’re hot.”
At press time, Higgins was seen walking out of a local convenience store with two packs of Yellow American Spirits.