Disney Adult to be Tried as a Minor

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ORLANDO, Fla. — Disney-obsessed middle-aged man Sebastian Werner is to be tried as a minor after allegedly assaulting several guests at the happiest place on Earth, sources that regret not just going to the beach this year confirmed.

“A bunch of Twitter SJWs are saying I’m worse than ‘Maleficent,’ but they haven’t even heard my side of the story. Here’s the truth. Yes, I pushed down a kid with scoliosis, but her back brace broke her fall. And you gotta understand, I really wanted to get Gaston’s autograph,” said the unmarried and childless Werner. “You would think Gaston being a villain would have approved of my behavior, but he just looked at me with disgust, totally ruining the magic of my experience. Still, I guess I caught a lucky break with the judge deciding to treat me as a minor. Not sure why he came to that decision.”

Werner’s court-assigned defense attorney Tilly Bevan reluctantly admitted she had little sympathy for her client.

“I know I could be disbarred for this, but after seeing my client’s gaudy ‘Toy Story’ bolo tie and hearing him read a quote from the Disney Channel movie ‘Brink!’ about being a soul skater at the arraignment, I started begging the judge to lock him away in prison for the rest of his life,” said Bevan. “The crazy thing is, it was the prosecuting lawyer’s idea to try the man-child as a minor. And the judge agreed. The guy’s just that pathetic. He didn’t even seem to know he was in trouble, instead he was too busy counting down the days to his next Disney trip.”

An anonymous Disney cast member, known only as “Tigger,” noted a recent rise in crimes committed by Disney adults.

“These freaks are like roving gangs of midwestern white people, using violence and intimidation for the privilege of standing in line for 90 minutes and then paying 22 dollars for a churro,” said Tigger. “I don’t know if it’s the Florida heat or the complete lack of shame, but Disney adults need to be stopped. It’s bad enough that cast members have to deal with random groin kicks from overenthusiastic four-year-olds. But now Tinkerbells and Cinderellas are being spat on by grown men because they didn’t reciprocate their sexual advances.”

At press time, Werner has decided to represent himself in court and argue he has no memory of the alleged assault, aka the “Finding Dory” defense.

Real Life John McClane? This Cop Harasses His Ex-wife!

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Wow! Just because Die Hard is a fictional movie doesn’t mean there isn’t a real-life John McClane out there. Check out Ted McGannon, a Denver City Police Officer who harasses his ex-wife Betty who has made it clear she wants nothing to do with him, just like Bruce Willis in his most iconic role.

Watch out, any groups of sophisticated, high-tech international thieves, as long as they happen to be near Betty, whose many complaints to her ex-husband’s superiors have been ignored!

In Die Hard, John McClane flew cross country to confront his estranged wife Bonnie Bedelia in front of all her coworkers at a Christmas party. In real life, Officer McGannon drove by his ex’s parent’s home on Christmas morning over and over again, so she knows she can never escape him, just like Alan Rickman could not escape the long arm of New York City justice.

In this case, justice is named Ted MacGannon and he uses the twice-a-month weekend visitation with his and Betty’s 11 year-old son Ted Junior as a form of control over his former spouse’s schedule. Just like John McClane, Officer MacGannon’s behavior has estranged himself from his son to the point that Ted Jr. has begun to call himself Theo just to avoid being associated with his father. That’s dedication!

Remember how Bonnie Bedelia’s scummy coworker was doing coke at the Christmas party in Nakatomi Tower? Well, Officer McGannon did one better by planting cocaine on his ex’s new boyfriend at his job, getting him fired, arrested, and held in county lock-up for 48 hours without charges being officially filed so no one could identify where he actually was.

And just like John McClane, this cop waited hours for a plane with his ex-wife on it to land, except that she didn’t know he was arriving and had a panic attack when she saw him. And even though they were in another city far from Officer MacGannon’s jurisdiction, local Police Officer Al Howard completely took him at his word and refused to intercede when the panicked Betty tried to get their assistance.

Also, Officer Howard shot a kid but still kept his job and his ability to wield a deadly weapon with no consequences.

Yippee ki yay, motherfuckers!

Cool Boss Makes Up for No Bonuses This Year with Cameo Video from Scott Stapp

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SOMERSET, Mass. — Local cool boss Kirk Rayner chose a Cameo video from Creed singer Scott Stapp to inform his employees there will be no bonuses this year, disgruntled sources confirmed.

“This company really is like a big family. And as the boss, I am obviously the daddy. There’s also a handful of females I view as my wives, but pretty much everyone else is like my child. That’s why it pains me that I can’t afford bonuses this year. I know they’ll understand when they hear the money is going to a two-week team building event I’ll be attending by myself in the Bahamas, but I still wanted to do something nice for them,” said Rayner. “That’s why I decided to order the team a Cameo video. Maybe you can’t feed your family with a few kind words from Scott Stapp, but money is temporary. Creed is forever.”

Employees overwhelmingly agreed the video itself was painful to watch.

“It makes sense now why he sent a survey a few weeks back asking everyone their favorite musical artist. But most people must have picked Taylor Swift or something, right? There’s no fucking way we all anonymously agreed on the king of Christian butt rock, Scott Stapp. Hell, some of the Gen Z employees were still in diapers during Creed’s heyday,” said junior sales rep Shani Jenkins. “To add insult to injury, Stapp kept incorporating his own lyrics into the Cameo. Asking us if we could ‘take quarterly sales higher’ and telling us we’re each welcome to join the boss for happy hour ‘with arms wide open.’”

Despite this negative feedback, an oblivious Stapp raved about his experience working with Cameo.

“Some people think only has-beens are on the site. But if that were true, would me or Honey Boo Boo be on there? Exactly,” explained Stapp. “Sure, making a cool $50 a pop for a simple video is pretty tasty. But personally, I love being able to interact with the fans. I’m even available for in-person events. Corporate retreats, funerals, weddings, both as entertainment or as a cater waiter.”

At press time, Rayner is planning to purchase a Marky Ramone Cameo shortly before Christmas to inform roughly 20% of his employees they are being laid off.

Hardcore Band Dreams of Getting Big Enough to Afford One Hotel Room on Month Long Tour

Posted on by Zach Hudson

BEACON, N.Y. — Local hardcore band Agony Undone are still hoping that after six years of relentless touring this will finally be the time they can afford one hotel room on their month-long road trip, confirmed sources inside the band.

“We’ve been super frugal on this tour and I think we’re getting close to being within range of a Best Western, or at the very least a Motel 6 that’s 50 miles outside of the city we’re playing,” said vocalist Steve Hupert. “Today all we ate were Taco Bell hot sauce packets. Hopefully we sell enough merch tonight to split a six-piece McNugget tomorrow. We’re all super hungry, our bassist Rob almost passed out during last night’s show from dehydration. But the feeling of walking into the lobby of a hotel and booking our first room will be worth the struggle.”

Agony Undone are on day twenty-six of their month-long tour supporting New York hardcore legends Chipped Teeth, who after twenty-five years as a band, still struggle to find the funds for a much sought-after hotel room on every tour.

“To this day we usually sleep in the van, but knock on wood, we haven’t had any mechanical issues on this tour so we’re getting a room tonight,” said Chipped Teeth guitarist Max Barnes. “When we told the guys in Agony Undone they thought it was the coolest thing ever. They asked if they could crash on the floor but we said no, then they asked if they could take a picture with us in front of the hotel, but we said no to that as well. This is a milestone they have to earn on their own.”

Chris Meyer, a manager of a Red Roof Inn in Agony Undone’s hometown, reports that the band has become a nuisance when they aren’t touring.

“They just hang out in the parking lot and stare at the building, take pictures, and sniff the clean towels our dedicated staff put in each room. It freaks out our guests,” said Meyer. “One of them came inside once and tried to talk to me, but he got really frazzled and ran out. I guess it’s their dream to be able to afford a room here, which is ironic because it’s my dream to never have to step foot in this place again.”

At press time, sources reported that Agony Undone had to spend all of their hotel money on a new tire for their van, after their GoFundMe campaign to cover the cost fell short.

Gen Z Conservative Believes Life Begins at Butt Stuff

Posted on by Bobby Korec

AUSTIN, Texas — Local 22-year-old religious conservative Blake Howard revealed to a group of friends that he believed life began at “butt stuff,” sources who recommended changing the subject entirely confirmed.

“We simply must protect the sanctity of anal,” said Howard while checking the TikTok Bible community for recommendations on passages specifically referencing ass play. “I don’t know exactly how human anatomy works. That’s for God to know. But I’m positive that almost any sort of penetration will spawn life or at least be the precursor to traditional intercourse, which we all know is the OG way to get pregnant. However, one thing I know for sure is that life definitely does not begin at 69-ing. God would never allow a sexual act so difficult to achieve be the basis for reproducing human life. And believe me, I tried.”

Left-leaning friends of Howard were pretty quick to debunk his claim.

“These whackos lack any sort of logic whatsoever and this is yet another example of them not thinking anything through,” said longtime pal Paris Wayfeather while holding a copy of The New Yorker as an accessory. “Anyone with a higher education or even an Associate’s Degree in art history like me knows that life doesn’t actually begin until you’re like three or four years old, which is when you first start to form memories. Or more specifically, traumas. Until then you’re basically just a post-natal fetus that doesn’t even have a fully hardened skull. Seriously, these right-wing nuts will believe just about anything.”

Republican strategist Jacob Kassandra seemed to know exactly how the minds of people operate.

“The average American will take major leaps in logic in order to back whatever opinion our team wants them to hold true,” said Kassandra. “It’s like how we convinced our base that guns don’t actually kill people, and if anything weapons are the innocent victims in mass shootings. It’s honestly sad. They should know full well that it’s bullets that actually do all the murdering. People do too, of course. More specifically, people holding bullets in the palms of their hands are the real danger to society. Guns are totally harmless though. Next we’re working on convincing everyone that they don’t deserve their own Social Security benefits they paid into for decades.”

At press time, Howard’s conservative values led him to take a vow of butt stuff celibacy and would only perform regular sex until marriage.

We Sat Down With the One Who Got Away and She Turned Out Just as Awful as Us

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Life has not gone as planned. When we were in high school we were certain we’d be a famous musician by now, about to settle down with our supportive spouse and start having a family before retiring from music on top of the world and planning our run as a senator. Well today we’re alone, the band didn’t work out, and the closest we ever got to the senate was being asked about our whereabouts on January 6th.

We keep looking back to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong. The high water mark was junior year of high school. We had just crushed the yearly talent show and promptly dumped our perfect girlfriend to prepare ourselves for the tidal wave of women who’d be throwing themselves at us until the end of time.

We need to fix our life. The obvious answer is to get our old high school girlfriend back and then everything will be solved! Unfortunately, when we sat down with her at a local Chipotle it just so happens that she turned out as awful as we did.

The Hard Times: Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with us! What have you been up to?
The One That Got Away: Stealing, mostly.

Haha! You were always so funny. We miss that about you.
Huh? No, I mean it’s hard to get hired in retail when all of your past employers fired you for stealing. So for me life is mostly stealing.

Oh. Umm okay. Well you were always so resourceful. And strong too. We’ve been doing great by the way. We’re actually here to casually catch up with you because things are going so well and we wanted to share that news with someone so warm and caring and beautiful. Speaking of that last thing… so uhh what happened?
First of all, you aren’t looking so great yourself. You dress like you never left 2002. As for me, this is what a decade of chainsmoking and raising three kids on your own will do to you. Speaking of which, it’s cool if I smoke in here right?

You smoke in the house, don’t you?
(Lights cigarette)

Hey, remember all those times you came to shows and supported our band? Those were some fun times.
I guess. They weren’t nearly as fun as the semester I spent college. Nothing but cocaine and stealing people’s toothbrushes at parties.

So… any future plans? Tonight even?
Not tonight but I’m spending this weekend with this aging woman who has dementia.

Oh wow! Charity work is extremely important and we’re so proud to hear you’re doing something good with your time!
I couldn’t agree more. I think if I spend a few more weekends with her I’ll be done my mandatory community service AND I think I can convince her I’m her daughter and she’ll leave me some shit when she croaks.

Yeah that checks out.
It’s also super easy to get away with stealing her toothbrush.

Okay so we gotta get out of here. And since you said you’re free tonight, you wanna come with?

Rock Camp Counselor Tells Scary Story About Headless Bass

Posted on by Tim Graham

SOUTH HADLEY, Mass. — Freebird Rock n’ Roll Camp counselor Shea Dowd was thrilled to gather his campers around the fire to tell a rock n’ roll ghost story about a headless bass that is said to roam the grounds, according to a bunch of freaked out kids.

“We used to tell regular ghost stories,” said Dowd excitedly, “but the kids seemed bored. At some point we started focusing on rock-themed spooky stories, which worked much better. The biggest hit is the Legend of the Headless Bass. It’s about a bass player who was decapitated in a horrible accident, along with his cherished instrument. When we tell it, another counselor hiding in the woods starts playing the bassline from ‘Bela Lugosi’s Dead.’ At the climax of the story, the counselor leaps from the shadows slapping away on a headless Steinberger. The kids just lose their minds.”

Some parents like Helen White are concerned that stories like these are not appropriate for the young campers.

“I sent my daughter to the camp to learn guitar, not to be exposed to Satanism and witchcraft,” said White. “Those stories scare her. She doesn’t need all this evil nonsense, she just wants to be able to play with the country gospel group at church. I shouldn’t have ever let her go to a place associated with that devil music. I wanted to send her to the Christian Country Music Camp, but they had to close it down last year because…well, nevermind why. Rock music is bad, that’s all.”

Cultural anthropologist and folklorist Lester Guest, who has been traveling the country collecting musical ghost stories for an upcoming anthology, weighed in with their expertise.

“Each region I’ve visited has its own flavor of story,” said Guest, leafing through a dusty, leather-bound volume. “For instance, in New Orleans I found a surprising number of tales about haunted trombones. I’ve heard legends of the spirit of Bob Stinson appearing at Minneapolis’ 7th Street Entry, smashing pint glasses and detuning guitars. And In Los Angeles, many of the stories feature Darby Crash’s strung-out ghost asking for change. The Legend of the Headless Bass is a classic East Coast tale, for sure.”

As of press time, Dowd was allegedly narrating the story of a haunted house that was built on top of an ancient Line 6 burial ground.

Opinion: Podcasting Is the Lowest Form of Entertainment Now That I Found Out I’m Not Good at It

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Back in the day, we had true entertainers. Our musicians didn’t just hit computer buttons. They played real instruments like guitar and learned all four of the chords. We had actors who studied the craft, not social media “influencers.”. Most importantly, we had REAL radio. Not this low-effort podcasting bullshit that anyone could do. In fact, podcasting is absolutely the worst, lowest form of entertainment. Especially now that I’ve tried it and it turns out I have nothing interesting or funny to say.

I believe in craftsmanship. One should spend years toiling over their craft. They should live and breathe their art and it should be a process to bring their vision to life. Today, podcasters simply buy some mid-level microphones and hit record. They don’t even edit! When I recorded my first podcast, I spent countless hours editing out all of the awkward, boring moments. That’s dedication. It was worth it though because once I was done, the three-and-a-half-minute episode was mostly listenable.

Anyone can make a podcast. Except for me, apparently. But what do I, a person of high artistic taste, care about that? When I used to play in metal bands, I’d hear these massive pop hits and think, “Ha! Anyone could write that.” Granted, I never actually tried to write a pop song so, fortunately, my belief still stands. Unlike this podcasting stuff, which is equally vapid.

I urge the public to raise the bar for the media we consume. Do we want to be a society that supports entertainers who can perform an extremely simple task? Sure, it seems pretty clear that only a select few have the talent to succeed in this medium, but scarcity of talent is bullshit and podcasting is lame and goddamnit why aren’t I good at it?!?!

Busy Drummer Delegates Ride Cymbal Duties to Eager Sous-Drummer

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

HARTFORD, Conn. — Beleaguered local drummer Sadie Plemmons assigned all future ride cymbal playing to a recently-hired sous-drummer in order to help with her percussion duties in the recently debuted band Crocodilius Minimus, sources confirmed last week.

“Live performance can be a very hectic environment. It’s all hands on deck up there on that stage. We have to give our all every time we get up there because we never know when someone from the Arts and Culture section of an alt-weekly will be there reviewing the show,” said a no-nonsense Plemmons. “And with Minimus’ sound becoming more and more prog influenced by the day, I decided to take on a protege. With Shrimp on the ride, I can focus more on the rest of the kit, and bring a more cohesive sound to the band. It’s all about trust.”

Attendees of their recent shows are on board for the unorthodox process and are already noting Ronnie “Shrimp” Maltin’s eager grit and dedication.

“You can tell Shrimp wants this, he’s very respectful and always says ‘yes drummer’ whenever Sadie assigns a task. It’s the most serious I’ve seen him take anything,” said Suds ‘n Such sound guy Murph Laemmle. “It might look a little weird to have a guy standing off to the side of the drumset just banging away on that cymbal every once in a while, especially when he decides to wear that stupid chef’s hat. But he’s really in the zone up there. he anticipates Sadie’s needs and it’s like watching a fuckin’ ballet, man. That kid was born to be back-of-house-band.”

Musician labor advocate Rio Greenwald offered her tentative approval, but only after putting the group through a surprise inspection of their rehearsal space.

“Many sous-instrumentalists run the risk of being exploited, putting in the same hours as the head drummer, but at a fraction of the prestige and pay, some not even receiving the bare minimum green room beer cooler privileges,” said Greenwald. “I’ve seen countless mid-gig storm-outs from unequal treatment. Crocodilius Minimus is set to receive an A rating, though. Pending the removal of a mousetrap laid less than two feet from Mr. Maltin’s cymbal station, a clear violation of code that could cause him to be injured by the trap or bit by a rodent.”

At press time, the band’s guitarist was so satisfied with the new drum set-up that he’s inspired to bring on what he’s calling a “tone knob intern.”

Weird: Friend From High School Old Now

Posted on by Cory Cousins

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local 39-year-old Jillian Rhodes was startled this afternoon after learning that her friend from high school Jordan Hansley is now old, Rhodes’ girlfriend confirmed.

“I was stoked to meet up with Jordan, my best bud from high school. He was one crazy son of a bitch,” remembered Rhodes wistfully. “So I dropped by Bean There Done That today to grab some coffee with him, but when I got there, this fuckin’ old man in a cardigan kept waving at me and motioning for me to come over. I was about to give him a smack, but when he took off his half-moon spectacles and tweed golf cap, I was shocked to learn that it was Jordan, but old. All he could talk about was his chronic gastric reflux issues and how the economy was in the crapper.”

A barista working at the coffee shop couldn’t help but notice the appearance of the customer in question.

“Oh, you mean the guy who somehow looks 35 and 65 at the same time?” asked expert java jockey, Claudia Carrillo. “I had to yell at him to come up and order because he was staring at his New York Times crossword and wasn’t paying attention. We have a business to run here, ya know? But then I felt sorry for him because he couldn’t figure out how to log into the free WiFi. It reminded me of my abuelito.”

Hansley appeared to enjoy reuniting with his old friend, but was in a hurry to make it back to his house in time to watch “Pawn Stars.”

“It sure was good to catch up with my old pal, Jillian,” remembered Hansley. “She really hasn’t changed much since high school. I got married, had a couple kids, and took a job at the plant. Gosh, that was about twenty years ago. She invited me to go to one of her shows coming up, but they play at like 10:00 p.m. Sounds exhausting. By that time, I’m already in bed and one hour into watching goofy animal videos on YouTube.”

In related news, Rhodes met up with a different friend from high school who suggested meeting for dinner at 4:00 p.m. and yet decided to crochet during the entire meal.