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FedEx to Hire More People to Fuck Up the Corners of Vinyl Records While in Transit

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Shipping conglomerate FedEx announced a massive hiring effort to recruit hundreds of staffers dedicated to fucking up vinyl records during the shipping process.

“As the vinyl boom only continues to grow, we remain steadfast in our dedication to fucking up, folding, and warping your records in transit,” stated FedEx Hiring Division spokesperson Gloria Wessant. “Thus, we must hire many more team members to make sure we don’t slip. The positions require no prior experience, but a cover letter and proof of punched drywall can only help your chances! And we offer better benefits than those mouth-breathing fucks over at UPS.”

A new FedEx Vinyl Fucker-Upper described what their typical work day entails.

“It’s actually quite an easy job and you get to be really creative. When a vinyl record comes across your desk, you are simply required to damage it in some way so that it isn’t in mint condition when it arrives to the destination,” explained Tom Kirkman, Junior Vinyl Fucker-Upper of the past five months. “You don’t want to actually break the vinyl inside—that would lead to the customer returning it, creating more work for us. You just want to usually bend a corner or two, or apply weight to the corner so it gets gently ruined. Occasionally, we load a lot of other packages onto the vinyl so it warps, but the cover is unaffected. It’s a delicate balance; a fine line we dance in this masquerade.”

Record label owners have reportedly known about this practice for years but are powerless to speak out.

“FedEx has been fucking up my vinyl shipments for quite some time and I suppose now it will become even more prevalent,” said Lora Norman, owner of independent label Flying Pigs Records. “It sounds bad but is actually somewhat beneficial. Record collectors are such non-confrontational introverts that they rarely want to ship it back and ask for a refund. Hell, they’ll often just buy a second copy and hope for the best. Thus, we end up selling more. I’m not proud, but I need to eat. Don’t judge me.”

Hot off the heels of the hiring frenzy, FedEx announced plans to start chipping and dinging new guitars in transit as well.