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Total Loser in Front Row Openly Having Incredible Time

BOSTON — Local ray of sunshine Sarah Bootley openly and unashamedly enjoyed Naval Tomb’s show from the front row last night, sources who wished she’d just stand there silently like the rest of the audience confirmed.

“They totally ruled last night! Definitely in my top 45 shows of this year!” gushed Bootley. “I still don’t understand why so many people were pointing and looking at me funny afterward, and it was totally weird that the crowd was recording me on their phones instead of the band the whole time. I hope everyone else enjoyed their night anyway. Kind of hard not to have when you got to witness them play ‘In the Belly of My Stomach’ in its entirety! I really got lost in the moment of it all.”

Fellow showgoer Lance Terry was deeply disturbed by Bootley’s public display of enthusiasm.

“Everyone knows bands prefer it when the crowd stays rigid and emotionless. It lets them know how cool and chill their fans are,” shared Terry. “I have been witness to the odd fan nodding their head to the beat here and there, but this girl was jumping up and down, waving her arms, and singing along to every song like she was on Rumspringa. I really feared for my life standing near her. At one point, she got so animated that she almost made me spill my beer. People like her are an embarrassment to the scene.”

Anthropologist Biff Nugent has been studying live shows for decades to understand the behaviors of audience members.

“We have found that under certain conditions, some humans are surprisingly unable to contain their excitement at witnessing live music,” said Nugent. “While most well-adjusted individuals can endure shows with crossed arms and neutral expressions, these fairer few can find the experience actually exhilarating and require an overt release. It can be a harrowing ordeal to find yourself standing beside one of these people thoroughly enjoying themselves while at a show. You should remember to stand your ground firmly and avoid any form of joyous movement yourself so as to discourage others from engaging in this behavior.”

At press time, Bootley was overheard leaving a cinema discussing the positive aspects of the film she had seen, to the disgust of those around her.