FBI Agent Reveals Mar-a-Lago Safe Cracked With 0000 Combination

Posted on by Tim Sheard

PALM BEACH, Fla. — FBI Agent David Abramson revealed he was able to gain access to former President Donald Trump’s safe first try by using a 0000 combination during a raid of Mar-a-Lago this past Monday, multiple sources within the agency confirmed.

“We might have overplanned this raid. We had a large team researching all aspects of Donald Trump’s life to gather all important dates in his life, along with personal milestones, and even the birthdates of his children and wives,” explained Agent Abramson. “Turns out none of those were necessary as the safe opened with the default combination. It was already set to that when we uncovered the safe behind a painting of Mr. Trump with exaggerated muscles. Even though we are excited as an agency to open it with such ease we cannot forget the countless hours of manpower and taxpayer money that was used preemptively and we will find a way to make it up to taxpayers.”

Employees at Trump’s residence admit they were not shocked to know how easy it was to break into the secret safe.

“Mr. Trump always bragged about how secure his safe is, how you could ‘drop it off the Trump Tower and it would barely make a dent,’ but I guess none of that mattered,” stated Mar-A-Lago golf cart attendant Chad Folger. “Once we heard the FBI agents laughing we all knew they were able to crack the code. There were in there for like 15 minutes and honestly I’m surprised it took that long. The WiFi password for the resort is ‘Trump45’ and the code to the petty cash safe is also 0001 but only because Eric Trump was trying to set it and messed up.”

After FBI agents left with what is reported to be a dozen boxes of documents Donald Trump was quick to criticize the agency.

“What the FBI did was a huge violation of Presidential freedom. These radical Democrat FBI agents should be locked up with crooked Hillary,” said the former President. “Biden’s goons took boxes and boxes of incredibly valuable items like my signed picture with Don King! He’s a legend, and now it’s all lost. I had a mint condition copy of that one Playboy with Vanna White, real good looking lady that one. I went on a few dates with her, I really did. But I told her ‘honey, you can’t handle my lifestyle’ and we never talked again. Sad really.”

At press time, FBI agents were still sorting through hundreds of Stormy Daniels DVDs.

Horror Movie Paused Until Friend Who Has Seen It Before Takes “But Does the Dog Die?” Question Seriously

Posted on by James Knapp

MEDFORD, Ore. — First-time slasher film viewer Anthony Sallers insisted that the movie not be unpaused until his friend Stephanie Gorski gives a definitive answer as to whether the canine character is killed, sources who are seriously not joking around anymore, dude, confirmed.

“At this point I don’t even really care if it lives, I just need to know one way or the other what I’m in for so I can mentally prepare myself if things get gory,” explained Sallers, who has been playing keep-away with the Roku remote for a good twenty minutes. “If Steph doesn’t just tell me soon I think I’m just gonna skip ahead to the credits to see if that ‘No animals were harmed in the making of this film’ stamp shows up. That’ll at least give me a hint that there’s a good chance I’m gonna have to see a dog corpse before this is over.”

Gorski, an avid horror fan, provided an inside look at the trajectory of the dog’s liveliness arc.

“Of course the fucking dog dies. It’s like he’s ever seen a horror movie before,” said Gorski. “Honestly, I thought we were just gonna put this movie on, get a little spooked out, and then maybe that would lead to a little ‘just friends’ fooling around, the way horror movies were intended to be watched. But with all this dead dog talk, I doubt we’re even gonna get to first base tonight… maybe second.”

Scruffles, the canine actor portraying the dog in the film, gave his perspective on his character’s odds of making it to the end of the movie breathing and intact.

“I don’t really remember much from filming this, but I am fairly confident that dog will survive the murder man,” said Scruffles through a series of barks that were interpreted by his handler. “There was one line that I remember rehearsing for a big scene: ‘Look, over there, in the darkness! It’s something we should investigate. I will go first because I am a dog. Lead the way, me!’ Does that clarify anything?”

At press time, Sallers agreed to unpause the movie on the condition that he not be judged for whatever horrified screaming noises he may make for the rest of the viewing.

Post-punk Parents Decide to Name Newborn Child “Untitled”

Posted on by Luke Thornton

PORTLAND, Ore. — New parents and self-described “post-punk connoisseurs” Sara and Tom Mitchell proudly unveiled the name of their newborn child, Untitled, bewildered hospital sources confirmed.

“Untitled (01) Emerson Mitchell was released from the womb on July 29th at exactly midnight 12:00 am and received good to lukewarm reviews from nurses,” said the new mother while re-alphabetizing her vinyl collection. “We searched high and low for just the right name as we really couldn’t see ourselves going with something mainstream, like Michael. We even went through the names of our favorite members of The Jam, Joy Division, Talking Heads, Slowdive, and Television, but no matter the gender we couldn’t decide what name would be both slightly esoteric and avant-garde enough. Long story short, Ian Curtis Mitchell just didn’t sound right to us, so naturally we went with Untitled.”

Family members voiced their concern with the name.

“That kid is going to get relentlessly bullied throughout his youth,” said Untitled’s grandfather David Mitchell. “In fact, when I first heard the name, I myself felt the urge to bully that kid. That can’t be a good sign for the rest of his life. Hopefully that kid develops a sense of humor or something because he’s really going to need it. That’s not likely though considering how serious his parents are all the time. I’ve never even seen the father without a skinny tie on. Also, am I supposed to call my grandson Un for short?”

Experts were all too familiar with parents attempting to get cute with the names of their children.

“More and more we’re seeing child names being influenced by their parents’ taste in music,” said Larry Cohen, Editor-in-Chief of “Cool Baby Names Magazine.” “We’ve seen art rock parents name their child Kid A, emo parents name their kid Fallout Boy, and metalhead parents name their offspring Slayer. They say that Slayer is usually best as a girl’s name. And after all, I remember a time when the name Harrison was considered too unorthodox for everyone. Not anymore though.”

At press time, the Mitchell parents were already hard at work at coming up with a new name for a potential second child and were working their way through Interpol’s discography for ideas.

Well “Gangster of Love” is Taken, So I Guess I’ll Be “The Criminal of Sex”

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s no secret that the right moniker can make or break an aspiring musician. Eric Clapton used to be a nobody, but one day they started calling him “Slow Hand” and now he’s one of the most successful songwriters/anti-vaxxers of all time. Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen, Elvis “The King” Presley, Roger “Aging Poorly” Waters, the list goes on! Unfortunately, when I landed on the absolute perfect nickname to give myself, I realized Steve Miller had already taken it.

“The Gangster of Love” sums up everything I’m about! I’m a bad boy with a heart of gold and the voice to match, baby. I can’t just up and rebrand myself so I’ll just have to find something that carries the same message. Something like… oh I know! The Criminal of Sex!

Now that I say it out loud, “criminal of sex” might be even better than “gangster of love!” It’s like it says “Baby, when you consent to love-making with me, it will be so good that it should be illegal.” Plus it avoids the word “gangster,” which would make me sound kind of shady.

I’m a happily married man of course, but let’s face it, I stand a better chance of making it in the music business if people think I’m available.

I’m blasting it out on my socials right now. This is going to be huge for me! Yes sir, all the teeny-boppers are gonna go wild when they find out the Criminal of Sex is coming to their town!

I’m feeling really confident about this choice. What could go wrong?

The key is you want to present yourself as a little bit dangerous but without going so far over the line that you alienate people. I feel like combining the words “criminal” and “sex” achieves this perfectly. “Criminal” makes you think danger but then “sex” is like a nice thing that makes people happy. Perfect balance.

Now all I need are a few catchphrases to flush out this persona. “It’s sex crime time!” That one is obvious, number one with a bullet. “Time to steal some love,” that’s pretty good. “There are no laws when I make love,” hell yeah, solid.

Wow, this new name must be working already! The booker at the venue I’m playing this Friday just texted me saying he’s been getting a ton of messages about me and to call him ASAP. He probably wants to put me in the main room!

If You Want To Destroy My Sweater, You’ll Have To Face Me in Hand to Hand Combat

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hey man, long time no see! I didn’t know you were invited to the after-party. Small world, huh? Did you happen to see — oh, my sweater? Yeah, I’ve had this for a while now. Kind of my go-to alt-rock show look digs. It belongs in a Goodwill incinerator, huh? Okay, well you’d be wise to hear me and know me: if you want to destroy my sweater, you’ll have to face me in hand-to-hand combat.

What, you think I’m wearing this sweater ironically like it’s 2007? I’ll have you know this sweater is a family heirloom, and my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if I did not defend its honor. This is one hundred percent combed cotton and I will one hundred percent stab you. Goddam. I am. So fucking amped right now.

No, your chance to keep your stupid opinion to yourself is over. It gone, bye bye. I’m assuming you’ve studied Krav Maga for over a decade like I have because that’s the only way someone will pry this thing off my body. I will fight any motherfucker at this afterparty, including that random girl I gave a ride here.

I’ll let you pick your weapon. Go ahead, anything in this room is at your disposal, though good luck getting close enough to even pull a single thread. No, I don’t think I’m being ridiculous. What if I just walked up to you and said that I wanted to destroy your tank top? Not that I would, because I’m fucking polite.

Listen, it’s not too late for us to be friends and just walk away. But if I catch you so much as take a glimpse at this loose thread, I’m liable to leave you lying on the floor in your Superman skivvies.

I’m serious. Touch this thread, and you will pull back a bloody stump motherfucker.

Anyway, so glad we’re all back together and stuff. Maybe next time we see each other you’ll find some fashion sense you Buddy Holly-looking jackass.

MIDI Keyboard Doubles As MIDI Thing To Stack Shit On

Posted on by Max Barth

ST. PAUL — Local woman Nicole Black converted her Novation SL61 MkIII MIDI Controller, originally purchased as a beginner instrument for music production, into a thing to stack shit on, sources report.

“I used to have a different keyboard, but it was too small, and I could barely fit any of my junkmail on top of it,” said Black while rooting around the pile for a parking ticket she lost last week. “Now I’ve got this beautiful piece of equipment with velocity-sensitive RGB pads, a semi-weighted keybed and plenty of extra room for the jumbled mess of craft supplies from when I tried to make a birthday card for my dog from scratch. And sometimes, I just need to come home from my soul-crushing day job and throw my keys and Contigo right on top of this thing before I collapse in a heap on my couch. As an artist, it’s all really liberating.”

Sam Ash employee Todd Kordowski, who sold Black the item, knows firsthand how popular multi-use audio equipment can be, particularly in an economic downturn.

“These MIDI controllers on the market now are more accessible and intuitive than ever before,” said Kordowski. “We can’t keep them in stock. From young students to older musical professionals, everyone seems to want one of these things so they can record at home, save the hassle and expense of visiting a traditional studio, and then use the keyboard to elevate a squeaky dinner table. These multipurpose keyboards can be found in-store for the deal price of $599.99, a steal when you consider that they also make excellent doorstops.”

Henri Lauder, Head of Design at Novation, says the flexibility of the product was intended from the start.

“We designed this controller to do everything a musician could want,” said Lauder. “It’s never been more important for artists without major label support to have affordable and dependable equipment at home to follow their passion. That’s why we made sure our newest models have extended batteries for on-the-go gig work, and that they can hold up to sixty pounds of the random crap our customers accumulate as their artistic dreams slowly die.”

As of press time, Black was seen searching the internet for advice on composting her controller now that the excitement has worn off.

Band Practice Derailed After Older Brother Hooks Up N64 in Basement

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

GRANVILLE, Ohio — Pop punk band Silver Glitter’s weeknight rehearsal was cut short when the drummer’s older brother hooked up a Nintendo 64 in the basement, confirmed sources in the middle of a “Goldeneye” tournament.

“I was trying to teach everyone the new song, but as soon as Nick came downstairs with that green translucent retro console with the three multicolored wires in the back, I knew it was over,” stated singer Mike Brannon while frantically looking up how to kneel in the game. “I was hoping we’d just play for a few minutes, but he also has ‘Perfect Dark,’ so I’m pretty sure this entire day is gonna be a bust. We have a show in less than a week that we are tragically unprepared for, though. So if I don’t at least get a few solid kills I’m gonna be fucking pissed.”

Sam Perth, the drummer of Silver Glitter, attempted to sell playing N64 as a team-building exercise.

“Part of being a band is collaborating, working together, and bonding, so playing games together is actually helping us,” Perth explained, despite knowing it makes no sense. “I fire this rocket launcher at you now, and when we’re on stage we’ll have developed a hive-mind-ESP-type-thing and play tighter. That’s science. I bet that if I felt like it, I could find like, three or four shoddily written academic articles on this exact situation. But I’m lagging way behind and I can’t come in last again. Nick has still been lording his previous victory over my head, and that was already 2 weeks ago.”

Scene elder Dave Raller commented on the familiarity of the situation, having seen several bands fall victim to similar distractions.

“There was a great post-hardcore band years ago that fizzled when the singer got that cable that connects Gameboys so they could battle Pokemon,” Raller reminisced. “The only band I ever saw survive this dreaded nostalgia trap was powerpop trio Bells of Marinara, and that’s only because they rebranded as a live-gaming group. That N64 is pure Kryptonite.”

At press time, Silver Glitter’s band practice officially ended when the bassist started crying and Mrs. Perth made everyone go home.

Remember That Band Taproot? Yeah, Me Too. Anyways, Good Seeing You. Let’s Do This Again Sometime

Posted on by John Danek

How was the 15-year reunion? I can’t believe it’s been a decade and a half since we graduated high school. Was Troy there? The three of us used to talk music all the time. I miss that fucker.

What was that one band he was really into? They were kinda nu metal. Oh yeah, remember the band Taproot? Yeah, me too. They were pretty decent. I think. They had that one album. Troy left it in your Durango for like, a year. It had “Downfall” on it.

Oh wait, nope- that was TRUSTcompany. All those bands kinda sounded the same to me anyways. I loved them at the time but I don’t really listen to that genre much anymore. Except for Deftones — they still crush it.

Taproot was decent. I saw them at Ozzfest once. Well, I didn’t actually watch them, but they played at the same time while I watched Black Label Society. Did you see that Zakk Wylde is going to fill in for Dimebag in the Pantera reunion? Weird. I don’t know, maybe I’ll go.

What was Taproot’s big song? Oh right, “Poem.” Their singer kinda sounds like the dude from Incubus, who I saw at a festival recently. They were ok. “Pardon Me” was in the Little Nicky soundtrack, remember that movie? Kevin Nealon has the tits on his head. Little Nicky is definitely underrated, ha ha.

How’s your mom doing? I’ll never forget that time we all came over to your house and she brought out a big plate of Oreos. Hope she’s doing well.

Oh, I’m not sure if you heard this but Evan died. Bizarre fishing accident. I don’t know specifically what killed him, but it was a closed casket funeral.

Oh speaking of, do you remember that show Kenny vs Spenny? The one where the two Canadian friends just fuck with each other? I found a bunch of episodes on YouTube. You can watch most of the series. They should bring that back.

Hey man, it was awesome seeing you. It’s been so long. Anyways, we should do this again sometime. Just make sure it isn’t another 15 years!

Black Hole Sun Would Come a Lot Faster if You’d Stop Asking It To

Posted on by Stephen Bell

SEATTLE – An enormous black hole sun capable of devouring the entire world and casting it into the void would come a lot faster if people would stop incessantly asking it to, sources familiar with the immovable force of nature report.

“There is absolutely nothing that makes you want to come less than being asked to come,” said the immeasurably dense pool of destructive gravity. “I want to release hot ions from my pulsing quasar, causing people to scream as their faces become distorted disfigurations of what they used to be. I’d suck up every last ounce of humanity as I cover the sky with my darkness and wash away the rain. I’d suck up not just the people, but all the lying snakes as well. But asking me to come 26 times isn’t going to help that happen. I mean, have you ever even been with a celestial body before? Because it doesn’t seem like it.”

Local grunge fan Kevin Yates seemed apologetic when asked about his contribution to the problem.

“I’m sorry, but it’s my first time doing this and I’m nervous,” said Yates. “I know black hole suns can sometimes have trouble coming, but I’m getting impatient. I can’t stand this shithole and its inhabitants anymore. There’s nothing that I’d like to see more than for all of them to be vacuumed up into the sky and have their atoms torn apart into their constituent particles. I hang my head, I drown my fears, and I pray for them to all just disappear. It feels like the times of honest men must be gone if I’m the last one who actually wants this to happen.”

Nihilist philosopher Elliot McDonald was asked to speak about the angst being described here.

“Whether the black hole sun comes or not doesn’t matter in the slightest,” said McDonald. “If not this black hole then another one will come along and consume the world in its holy fire. We are all just sleepwalking through our ephemeral youth that none of us can truly hope to keep. Everyone will die and it doesn’t matter what the method is. Much like any song by the band Soundgarden, there is no deeper meaning in all of this.”

At press time, it was reported that the black hole sun wouldn’t be coming at all, after rudely having its stuttering problem pointed out.

You Guys Actually Sounded Better From Outside

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

I had such a great time at your show! I’m so glad I went! Oh yeah, I stepped outside after the first 30 seconds. But don’t worry. Despite what you might have thought, I was supporting you. I definitely did not just go inside to show my face for 30 seconds and then go home. I was just outside because you actually sounded way better out there.

The sound waves blended together before passing through the walls of the building so from the sidewalk it was as if an engineer mixed the set. I was totally getting into it from down the street. It sounded awesome.

Inside you sounded really loud. Not in a bad way or anything but it was better slightly muffled from Nicki’s Pizza next door. Don’t worry though, I heard it through the adjoining wall. You crushed it.

That brick and drywall barrier to the outside acted like a natural compressor. You use compression in recordings, right? Well this was like an analog-analog version of that. It was great. And all the sibilance from the venue? Gone! Dude, it’s like your band had natural EQ and compression. Plus, the reverberations were isolated within the space so it had a side-chained echo chamber.

I’m telling you, it was awesome outside. I wish you could’ve been out there to hear it.

I must’ve just missed you at the end of the set though. I had to run. But I was right outside the door the entire time. I especially liked the penultimate song you played. It was my favorite. Alright, see ya later, let me know when the next show is!