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Coolio Fans Everywhere Solemnly Half-Mumble Along to “Gangsta’s Paradise”

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Fans of the late, exceptionally talented rapper Coolio spent the last 12 hours muttering the lyrics they can remember to his hit song “Gangsta’s Paradise,” depressed white boys confirm.

“Man, Coolio was a fuckin’ legend,” local barista and hipster Grant Standish bemoaned while furiously uploading tributes to his Instagram stories. “Truly an icon. He was just making hit after hit after hit in the ‘90s. I mean, come on! ‘Fantastic Voyage,’ ‘1,2,3,4,’ and of course, ‘Gangsta’s Paradise.’ I remember the first time I heard that track. His flow…so impressive. I’ve been half-assedly singing along in the car, completely incapable of maintaining any rhythm or recalling a single verse lyric ever since. But hey, at least I tried.”

Local radio DJ Clint Homewood took the rapper’s death as an opportunity to flex his cultural awareness and appreciation.

“I’m telling y’all right now, it’s gonna be all old-school rap all fuckin’ day,” Homewood said, doing his best to not slip into a “blaccent.” “We’re starting off with Coolio’s debut and working through his whole discography. I plan on spinning ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ at least seven times today, and the lucky caller number 69 gets to come on the air and try their best to rap along. I expect to get some real badass homies up on the airwaves, for real.”

Venue owner Terrence Harris was less than pleased with the local Caucasian community’s insistence on public mourning.

“Listen, man, I’m the only Black person to own a musical venue on this side of town. I’ve literally had throngs of white people show up to my door and apologize personally for my loss. Coolio was obviously a fucking great musician, but like, are they really under the impression that we were like, friends? I didn’t know this man. None of us did. I’m just a Black man pushing 60, and apparently, that’s all they’re able to see.”

At press time, Standish was seen signing up for a slot at his local karaoke night to show off his deeply mediocre rap skills.