HARTFORD, Conn. — Local teenager Lauren Sneden has been grounded by her moms for calling indie-rock sibling duo Tegan and Sara “gay elders,” sources in her “close friends” Instagram circle report.
“This is literally the worst and dumbest shit ever,” Sneden said while furiously thumb-typing on her phone. “My moms act all understanding and forgiving and progressive or whatever, and then they pull this on me. I’m not allowed to go out after school for a whole week, and they hid my Switch, too. Like, I’m sorry you’re ancient, but Tegan and Sara are like, at least 35 now. Which counts as crazy old. And I’m just trying to show my respect for the lesbian community and tell people to listen to them because they have more ‘lived experience.’ I’m not going to apologize for telling the truth, Deborah.”
One of Sneden’s mothers, Deborah Melville, was quick to explain her reasoning for the harsh sentence.
“Lauren needs to learn that we do not tolerate ageism in this house,” Melville said, her arms crossed and pierced eyebrow arched. “While I can understand her argument that ‘elders’ is a term of deference in this context, the fact of the matter is that Tegan and Sara are 41, and I’m turning 45 this year, so therefore, she’s calling me and her mother elderly. There was a distinct snark to her tone, too, and she needs to realize that sass will get you nowhere in life. And oh, my god, ‘So Jealous’ came out the year before she was born. Jesus fucking Christ.”
Gretchen Anderson, a family therapist, offered her expert insight on the matter.
“Teen brains are hardwired to annoy adults by calling people younger than their parents ‘old,’” stated Anderson matter-of-factly. “In Lauren’s case, she genuinely, chemically, can’t help it. She’s 17. She has no choice but to really rub her moms’ noses in it. Next thing you know, she’ll start lamenting the fact that Billie Eilish will be able to legally drink soon, and that makes her practically the crypt keeper.”
At press time, Sneden was angrily texting her mother Sappho’s Wikipedia page, stating that she finally found an artist that rivals her in age.