Shaving in a mohawk is one of the first things new punks do, along with buying a Black Flag cd and quickly learning to keep away from Leftover Crack fans. A lot of people also struggle with getting their mohawks to stay up, which can lead to embarrassment and all of your friends making fun of you more than they already do. Whether you have a fanned mohawk, liberty spikes, or the ill-advised tri-hawk, here are 20 ways to get your mohawk to stand up.
It’s perfectly fine to use hair gel to style your mohawk, as long as you don’t mind being a total fucking poser. Gel won’t bring a lot to the table, structurally speaking, so unless your hawk is shorter than two or three inches, this probably won’t work out too well for you.
Hairspray and A Blow Dryer
Hairspraying your hair and blow drying it is a tried and true method of mohawkery. However, hairspray won’t usually hold up an entire mohawk on its own with additional help. That’s why we only recommend using the hairspray and blow dryer trick on thinning hair, otherwise the support needed just isn’t there.
Glue is a time-tested and approved mohawk styling substance, though with so many options available it’s important to choose wisely. Elmer’s glue is fine for touching up loose ends, but not as a primary load-bearing goo. If you’re looking for a more robust glue to hold up your mohawk, Gorilla Glue is the only way to go. Plus you’ll only have to do your hair once a month at most, freeing you to focus on more important things in life.
If you need to put up your mohawk and don’t mind using ground up horse hooves to do so, gelatin could be right for you. The only problem with this method is most people can’t wait in their refrigerator for 2-4 hours waiting for the gelatin to set, despite the fact that the majority of people with mohawks are largely unemployed.
Egg whites are still a viable option for doing your mohawk, even if its use has declined as veganism becomes more prevalent. Studies about whether Egg Beaters work or not are inclusive, so let us know in the comments if you’ve used them to do your hawk with.
Wheatpaste has been used to slather show flyers, propaganda posters, and missing dog announcements since time immemorial. A lot of people don’t know that it can also be used to hold mohawks up. Not unlike with egg whites, the rise of veganism has sent punks searching for wheatpaste alternatives such as quinoa, rice, and flax seed paste.
Industrial Grade Pomade
Consumer-grade pomade is basically hair gel that takes at least three showers to fully wash out, and is not recommended to do your mohawk with. You can, however, stop by your local rockabilly club to pick up some industrial strength pomade. Just be prepared to constantly have to talk to rockabillies, which for many of us is a total deal breaker.
There’s Something About Mary
You know the movie, the scene, and the gag. While we’re not officially endorsing this method, the results speak for themselves. Just try not to feel too guilty afterward, as it’s part of a healthy, normal hair care regimen when properly regulated.
Don’t Wash It
As any punk will tell you, the longer you don’t wash your hair, the more rigid it becomes. At first the weight of all the dirt will hold your hair down, but after a few weeks that same dirt will provide excellent support as your mohawk becomes almost as hard and crispy as your dirty ass socks are.
The Blood of the Innocent
Obviously we’re not saying anyone should go out and procure the blood of the innocent, as that would be immoral and illegal. Having said that, if you ever get tired of normal people continually asking you what products you used to get your mohawk up, just tell them that you used the blood of the innocent. That should get them off your case.
McDonald’s Strawberry Milkshake
One of the most durable substances on earth is the McDonald’s strawberry milkshake. It can’t be melted, evaporated, frozen, or even boiled. Meaning that you can put a McDonald’s strawberry milkshake in your hair and immediately give your mohawk a robust volume that will stay standing up for weeks on end.
Ask it to Stand Up on Its Own
Many of us bombard our hair with a litany of damaging products, fry it with endless blow drying, and spend hours and hours trying to break its will so it can be styled how we want it. Rather than bullying your mohawk into doing what you want it to do, why not simply ask it if it would stand up on its own? In hair as in life, open communication goes a long way.
Smoke and Mirrors
Sometimes you don’t need to put your mohawk up, but rather convince others that it is up. That’s where smoke and mirrors come in. A few simple misdirections combined with a solid audience patter should be more than enough to fool people into thinking your mohawk is actually standing up.
Start by placing the rebar approximately one foot to either side of your head. Next you will need to tie the rebar so that it remains in its respective position. Once the concrete is in place, observe the configuration to ensure that no shifting in the mohawk has occurred. Wait between 24 and 48 hours before use.
This Gordian knot of a hair product involves simply tying helium balloons to your hair and having them do the lifting. Sure, you’ll look like a complete tool walking around with balloons on your head like an idiot, but your mohawk will be standing up won’t it?
Marionette Puppet Strings
Similar to the helium balloon strategy, this one also involves holding your hair up with strings. In this case, however, you’ll need a partner to operate the little wooden sticks. While effective, this method is only practical when your mohawk needs to move and transform throughout the evening.
Have a Friend Hold it Up
Say you wanted to do the marionette puppet strings method but your friend is an idiot and can’t operate a piece of wood with strings attached to them. Just have them hold your mohawk up with their hands, if you think they can manage it.
The anti-gravity ray is the most effective tactic in getting your mohawk to stand up. Only problem is, unless your aim is spot on, everything else in the room will begin floating into space alongside your mohawk.
Get a Skin Disease
If you get a gross ass skin disease your hair will naturally stand up in an effort to avoid open sores, pustules, boils, and more. This could be the most affordable method on our list.
Just Shave It
Let’s face it, unless you’re 17 or younger you look like a moron with a mohawk. It’s probably best that you shave it now, and save yourself the embarrassment down the road.