Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Pearl Jam Fan Devastated to Find Out She’s Been Listening to Stone Temple Pilots This Whole Time

Posted on March 31, 2021 by Tim Nash

TOPEKA, Kan. — Self-proclaimed “world’s biggest Pearl Jam fan” Danica Young’s entire musical identity was stripped from her yesterday after discovering that her only CD was actually a mislabeled copy of Stone Temple Pilots’ greatest hits album “Thank You,” according to friends and family.

“My older cousin left [the CD] in his Camry when he sold it to me 15 years ago,” lamented a heartbroken Young between sobs. “It just said ‘Pearl Jam’ on it, and up until then, I only ever listened to rap, so I had no idea. I just thought it rocked pretty hard. Looking back, if I could change anything, I guess I wouldn’t have referred to this band as ‘The Jam’ every time I put it in, and would have resisted starting so many arguments praising their musical contribution over contemporaries ‘like that whiny-voice Nirvana shit.’”

Friends of Young reportedly ignored her mistake for years out of sympathy stemming from a breakup.

“The poor girl got dumped a week before she got the CD,” recalled Brian Winsome, Young’s best friend. “We used to drive around getting stoned and listening to what I later found out was ‘Trippin on a Hole in a Paper Heart,’ and definitely not ‘Black.’ It was truly all she had at that time in her life, and no one wanted to destroy those memories for her. Eventually, it just got out of hand.”

Winsome’s fierce commitment to protecting his friend was further challenged in the summer of 2018, when Young won two tickets to see Pearl Jam live at Wrigley Field.

“I was fully prepared to work both offense and defense for my friend that night,” explained Winsome. “We had a lot of close calls — like when I turned around for one second at the concession stand and she’s talking to some guy by the pretzel thing about how she hopes they play that ‘and I feel it’ song. Ultimately, we made it out unscathed… which I realize now was just a huge disservice to her, me, and Pearl Jam. And STP, for that matter.”

Young is allegedly beginning to make peace with the discovery, and reports show she’s looking forward to a new Stone Temple Pilots album.

Meat Loaf Didn’t Show up To Our Interview So We Spoke To the Strangest Looking Guy Inside This Long John Silver’s

Posted on March 30, 2021 by Brandon Kratkoczki

When it comes to rock music, you don’t get much more singular than Meat Loaf. His specific brand of hard-hitting, glamorous orchestral rock has led him to unfathomable success through multiple decades. I thought it’d be great to speak with him about his career and his unique place in music history.

Unfortunately, after 50 minutes of waiting for him to show up for this interview, I got a call from his publicist saying he wasn’t going to show up due to a prior engagement. So I did the next best thing: I walked into the nearest Long John Silver’s and spoke to the weirdest looking dude I could find.

At 72-years-old and sporting a bolo tie over his polo shirt with some dried Baja Sauce on his face to complete the look, Ernie Copeland made me uneasy in the way I believe Meat Loaf would have.

THE HARD TIMES: Mr. Copeland, thanks for filling in today, we really do appreciate it.

Ernie Copeland: Sure thing, son. Let’s try to keep this quick though, the guys from my neighborhood’s lawn care Facebook group are meeting here in 18 minutes to talk shop.

Right. To be honest, we had a bunch of questions written for Meat Loaf, so we’re going to see if you can shed some light on them. How have you maintained your singing voice through the decades?

Oh, come on now, do I look like a guy who’d sing? I didn’t even sing on my wedding night, even though Shirley really wanted me to. *takes big bite of whitefish* No disrespect to the fellas who make it work, but you’re out of your mind if you think I’m doing any singing.

How do you view the original Bat Out Of Hell album after all these years?

Son, I can’t say that’s an LP I’ve ever listened to, so I can’t help ya there. If you needed any pointers on the band Alabama’s discography, I could maybe be of assistance.

As the Rocky Horror Picture Show continues to have endearing popularity, what do you –

Now I’m just gonna stop you right there, I feel like you’re steering me into an uncomfortable position. I know what “me too” is and I’m pretty sure that’s what’s gonna happen to me if you print my thoughts on that “movie.”

Right. Well, maybe we can get what we want if we went a bit broader. Do you have any motorcycle stories?

Now you’re speaking my language! One time my son Tim pulled up in this beautiful Harley and he let me take it for a spin. I got on, yelled out “I’m the king of the road,” and went for about 300 feet before spilling onto my ass. But for those 300 feet were the best 300 feet of my entire life and I wasn’t really using that collar bone anyway.

What’s the angriest you’ve ever been made by a piece of musical theater?

Oh boy, you ever see that Cats show? Absolute misery. Shirley wanted us to go to be more cultured, but if that’s what cultured is, consider me a savage. Did you know they crawl all over the seats? Leave me alone man, I did not pay 50 dollars for some 27 year old to wag a tail in my face. Now South Pacific, that’s a show. I saw them do it at the high school back a couple years ago, and my granddaughter was the best damn chorus member there was. I yelled at the director at intermission for not giving her the lead role, so I didn’t get to see her during the second act, but I’m sure she was brilliant.

Sounds like you sure love your granddaughter. I bet you would do anything for her.

You bet I would.

Would you say you would. “Do anything for love”?

Yeah, I guess so.

No I mean like, would you say it? Those words?

What words?

“I would do anything for love.”

Uhm, okay. I would do anything for love.

But…

But what?

But you… won’t…

I won’t what?

Do… that?

Do what?! Son, you’re not making any god damned sense.

Ah, nevermind. This was a dumb idea. Well thanks for your time. You know what I’m kinda hungry, what’s good here?

Nothing.

New Roommates Flip Coin to Decide Who Is the Mommy, Daddy

Posted on March 30, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

WILMINGTON, Del. — Roommates Manny Hernandez and Rob McCarty spent their first weekend together laying the ground rules for their new home, flipping a coin to decide who must be the daddy and who will be the mommy.

“Communication is key. So right away we decided how we’d handle utilities, protocol for if one of us brings a girl back, and, of course, which one of us will be mommy that handles all the cooking and cleaning, and which one will be the daddy that makes the money and plunges the toilet and stuff,” said Hernandez. “Believe it or not, this is the first time either of us have been away from our parents, so we’re trying to be real mature and fair by flipping a coin. I’m pissed I got ‘mommy’ — I can’t cook for shit and I look terrible in a housecoat — but I’ll make it work, for the good of the household.”

Mutual friend Aisha White was immediately confused by the roommate’s domestic agreement.

“I was excited to see Rob and Manny’s new place, but I was pretty freaked out by their….traditional living arrangement,” said White. “Manny had his hair in curlers and he told me he had a ‘meatloaf in the oven,’ but best I could tell it was just a bag of frozen Gardein fake meat balls dumped into a baking pan. Then Rob barges in the front door with a briefcase, muttering something about ‘Old Man Sorely at the plant busting his hump.’ But I know for a fact that Rob doesn’t have a job, because this afternoon at my place we played Madden for like, three hours before he napped on my couch.”

Although unusual, sociologist Arielle Gibbons believes this sort of cohabitation is common.

“Now more than ever, young adults are moving out without ever being taught valuable life skills by their parents. So, Gen Z has attempted to fill the void by employing whatever lessons they could from their true parent: television,” said Gibbons. “But while I admire their resiliency, I must stress that acting out the plots of ‘Family Matters’ episodes does not make you a grown-up.”

The new roommates are allegedly discussing retooling their living arrangement by either adding a zany next door neighbor, or pretending to be women and attending an all-girls college.

My Son’s Hazing Death Is a Tragic Reminder That He Was Never Kappa Sig Material

Posted on March 30, 2021 by Jonah Nink

My son’s hazing death was tragic and terrifying. No parent should ever have to bury their child. But was it surprising? Not at all. Let’s be honest; that kid was never Kappa Sig material to begin with.

When my son first expressed interest in joining the frat I was supportive… but reluctant. Becoming a Kappa Sig takes a certain kind of chutzpah. You need to be a real go-getter, which my son definitely was, but more in the sense that he would go get another helping of cheese fries if you know what I mean. I told him that he should look into joining the Mock Trial team or something but he kept going on about trying to “make me proud” or something.

All I’m saying is that the kid could barely throw a football, so was it really surprising that he couldn’t survive a blood alcohol level of 0.80?

I knew how gnarly those hazing rituals could be because I was a Kappa Sig myself. I remember a lot of alcohol coming in and out of more holes than I expected. But I’m better for it, permanent liver damage be damned! Sure Kappa Sig has been suspended a few times since I left college, but how could you pass up on those networking opportunities?

The real tragedy here is that my beloved frat is in yet another legal spat. It seems like every time we put last year’s hazing death behind us another pledge dies. They’re just kids for crying out loud! Let them have fun. Why should they be blamed for the deaths they caused? Besides, the university already said that they’re “implementing new policies” so, problem solved! Justice served. Now let’s just put this all behind us and let these kids enjoy themselves.

Losing my son has been hard on my family, especially when you consider how unnecessary his death truly was. He could have easily become a Kappa Sig if he would’ve just applied himself more. Thankfully the frat has helped us through this difficult time. They’ve even offered to help immortalize my son by helping me make a large donation in his name.

Man Places $7 in Fridge Each Time He Grabs a Beer to Replicate Concert Experience

Posted on March 30, 2021 by Tyler Roland

EVANSTON, Ill. — Local man Ryan Michaelson began a new ritual last October, placing $7 in his fridge each time he gets up for a beer to replicate vastly overpaying for drinks at concerts and festivals, concerned sources confirmed.

“It just totally made sense,” said Michaelson after walking four blocks to an ATM to get cash for his fridge. “I’ve been watching livestream concerts for a while now, but even those have been missing that little extra zing… so I decided to try slipping the fridge the amount of money I’d usually pay for a drink in between sets. It worked like a charm; I felt connected to live music in a way that I haven’t felt all year. The only thing that was missing was a person to knock the beer out of my hands 10 seconds after I bought it. Baby steps.”

Michaelson’s fiancée Wynter Andrews doesn’t consider the practice appropriate.

“I mean, yeah, it was a little funny to me at first… but when I tried to take $35 out to thaw the other day, he insisted we keep it in the fridge for a drink fund when he can start going to real shows again,” said Andrews while moving an alarmingly large stack of cash to the vegetable crisper. “I know he really misses live music, but he’s always yelling ‘shut up and play’ at his laptop while I’m trying to re-watch ‘Bridgerton,’ and the other day he asked me to go work out, get really sweaty, and just rub up against his arm. It’s weird.”

Concert analyst Estelle Kirby believes that this seemingly eccentric act is not just an isolated practice.

“All across the nation, we see veteran concertgoers trying to replicate that fabled, ear-splitting experience in unorthodox ways,” said Kirby. “Whether it’s standing outside their own bathrooms for 20 minutes before going in, crafting those impossible-to-get-off wristbands to wear out of superglue and construction paper, or just carrying around a piece of merch for two hours with no place to safely put it down.”

“These people need traditional concerts back up and running,” Kirby concluded.

Michaelson was later seen parking his car in a spot half-an-hour’s walk from his friend’s apartment and taping $45 to the parking meter for the privilege.

Facebook Content Flagging Feature Prevents Grindcore Fan From Ever Posting Their Favorite Bands

Posted on March 29, 2021 by Jay Shingle

ERIE, Pa. — Self-proclaimed grindcore aficionado Eduard Riva has vanished from the internet in recent months, as Facebook’s content flagging protocols continue to catch and block the majority of their online activity discussing the genre’s major players, sources within their social media circles confirmed.

“My online identity has essentially been erased,” Riva claimed while adjusting their unevenly set septum ring. “My last three posts were all taken down because they were about Pig Destroyer, Anal Cunt, and Fuck the Facts. In the case of Fuck the Facts, you think Facebook would be more than willing to let that slide based on what they’ve allowed in the past. I even tried using special characters, but ‘C1rc7e 0f De4d C1i7dren’ was still taken down. If they’re doing this to grindcore bands, then just try to imagine what’s happening to fans of extreme death metal.”

Riva’s friends are concerned that the “genre’s biggest fan” is going through something that is keeping them distracted from their usual online chatter.

“I haven’t really known what to listen to lately. Eduard used to post videos and recommendations twice a day — yeah, lots of the YouTube thumbnails were pretty fucked up images, especially the Cripple Bastards cover for ‘Almost Human,’ but I don’t think it’s fair for Facebook to make those judgment calls,” longtime internet friend Susanna Friedemann said as Hatebeak blared in the background. “Eduard always had the best grindcore takes, and I’m hoping this absence from social media just means they are taking some time to come back with some really special commentary.”

Facebook users aren’t the only ones who lament how the new effort has affected fans’ abilities to talk about brutal bands online.

“There are a lot of things to be embarrassed about these days working for Facebook, and this is one of them,” said senior programmer “Grinder,” who requested to remain anonymous to protect his job at the company. “I tried to bring these issues up with coworkers in one of the central meanings surrounding content flagging, but I was outvoted by the large majority of them who like Top 40 shit and have no idea about the realities of committing yourself to raw, gutpunching music. In an era where online marketing and distribution are the keys to any band’s success, the future for grindcore looks bleak.”

Riva has also been permanently banned from Twitter after posting Assück lyrics under a friend’s wedding announcement.

Study Finds Masks Reduce Toddler Nose Theft by 85%

Posted on March 29, 2021 by Emma Jonas

MORGANTOWN, W.V. — A new study conducted by researchers at West Virginia University found that toddler nose theft has dropped by 85% in the U.S. since the implementation of widespread mask mandates.

“We are seeing something unprecedented: a generation of children whose development will be largely unaffected by nose theft, cheek pinching, or objects being mysteriously pulled from within their ears,” said Dr. Levy Chakari, a sociologist and pediatrician who oversaw the study. “The psychological effects are sure to be fascinating when they surface later. Even now, we’re seeing signs that toddlers are not developing the pleasure centers associated with slapstick and physical comedy in their lower frontal lobes.”

Evelyn Warner, whose twins Stefan and Mimi Warner will turn three later this year, said her youngest are already indicating that their development is different than that of older children.

“It’s like if they can’t do toddler things, they’re not going to bother with toddlerhood,” the fatigued mother said over the sound of the twins’ favorite television series, “Bones.” “They even roll their eyes at peek-a-boo. So I’ve had to get creative to teach them object permanence: I let them help me with my tax returns to show them how the money still exists, even if they can’t see it for a while. At least I don’t have to hear ‘Baby Shark’ anymore… though I am getting tired of them demanding to hear Mumford & Sons.”

Criminologist Marianne Carson-Batherson said the study has provoked mixed criticism within her field.

“Nobody wants to say there is a ‘good’ version of any crime in our society,” Carson-Batherson said. “But the fact is, among people currently as young as four and five years old, the overwhelming majority have been subject to repeated nose theft. These people share a similar cultural basis for humor from a young age, which in itself is neither objectively good nor bad — you get both ‘The Great Dictator’ and ‘The Big Bang Theory’ from this pool. With such a massive reduction in numbers, who’s to say we won’t grow up with a generation of unfunny hacks at best, if not total downers?”

“Then again, maybe we should finally do away with old guys touching kids’ faces anytime they run out of material,” she added. “That’s objectively kinda weird, pandemic or no.”

We Got Drunk in an Old Boxcar and Pitchfork Gave Us a 9.4 For Some Reason

Posted on March 29, 2021 by James Knapp

Okay so this is all still a bit strange, and frankly we’re still very hungover, but let us give you a little bit of background to start. We at The Hard Times take our jobs very seriously, reporting on the most important punk stories for you, our readers. So at the end of the day we like to unwind in the traditional way, by shotgunning a few cases of Milwaukee’s Best Ice in an abandoned rail yard.

Well, apparently we blacked out pretty hard after last night’s happy hour because after we woke up we found that Pitchfork had written a glowing review hailing us as “the voice of our generation” despite the fact that we don’t seem to have actually recorded anything.

None of us can even play any instruments. One of our temps did start playing bass briefly, but she was quickly recruited as a touring member for the Smashing Pumpkins and quit. No one here has any musical ability whatsoever, which made it all the more confusing when Pitchfork credited us with “reinventing modern song structure” and “smiting the aged guitar gods on the former Mt. Olympus of rock,” whatever the goddamn fuck that is.

When we read further into the review, mostly just to figure out if we had drunk texted any of our exes, we found that Pitchfork had called us “brash, yet copacetic,” and also “sentimental, like a bunch daisies that got set on fire and then put out with the tears of a sad magician.” We’re not entirely sure what that means, but according to a slew of enraged voicemails from our past partners apparently they hit it spot on.

The only issue that Pitchfork seemed to take with whatever happened while we were vomiting out of a boxcar was that we “lacked the perspicacity pursuant to the zeitgeists regalia.” Now we’re pretty sure they made up most of those words, but it just sounds bad. We didn’t try to pick a fight with Alternative Press again did we? Did we?!

So where do we go from here? Next week we’re all smoking peyote at Joshua Tree, so we look forward to reading what Pitchfork’s editors think of that. Sure hope we can evolve our… whatever it is we did.

Punk Looking for Someone to Sublet Couch He’s Been Sleeping On

Posted on March 29, 2021 by Rebecca Acevedo

NEW YORK — Local punk Brandon Hall listed the friend’s couch he’s been crashing on as available for rent in the sublets/temporary category on Craigslist yesterday, according to irritated sources.

“The couch is perfect if you’re in between girlfriends, and there’s shared access to the bathroom, the fridge, and my PS5,” the post read. “I’d like to clarify that it is a couch, not a futon, so it’s priced fairly, and the human head-sized stain has been reflected in that price. The couch is long enough to fit an average male body, so your head’s not dangling off the arm rest. I can also leave my toothbrush for your use, which has never been used, and the squatty potty, which has been used a lot.”

“There is a gaming chair next to the couch where residents are known to play well into the early morning hours, and I ask that this subletter be 420 friendly and have no other overnight visitors,” the post concluded.

Kyle Mendoza, the couch’s rightful owner, was irritated but not surprised by Hall’s entrepreneurial effort.

“Brandon’s been crashing on my couch since late last summer when he lost his job. I did my best to help out a friend during a crazy time, but he’s taken this mutual aid thing way too far,” Mendoza explained. “So far he’s ruined three dates, lost my cat, and likely cost me my security deposit with his ‘DIY window treatment’ project that just left duct tape residue all over my entire wall, somehow. Also, he doesn’t pay me anything to sleep on it, so I’m not sure why he keeps saying he’s just trying to ‘recoup his losses.’ I just hope be gets vaccinated soon so I can kick him the fuck out and not feel too bad about it.”

Despite the generally off-putting and unreasonable offer, hundreds of prospective renters in the NYC area have already replied.

“I’ve been looking for a place to sleep off my hangovers, and this couch has everything: cushions, arm rests, a nice lived-in feel… it’s top of my list right now. Second is an abandoned car, but my landlord would be a raccoon,” said potential subletter Tyler Cory. “It reminds me of the couch that I got my first mouth hickey on. I had a good feeling about our initial email correspondence, but a beauty like this doesn’t last long, not in this town anyway. Fingers crossed.”

For those interested, Hall is showing the couch this week and next week, any time after 11 p.m.

Being in Coworker’s Car Really Weird

Posted on March 28, 2021 by Ryan Danley

CHICAGO — Local data analyst Jeanie Alvarez joined his coworker for a ride in her car last week, leaving him with an unexpected, everlasting feeling of dread and uneasiness.

“I needed to pick up my car at the shop, and I was stoked that my work friend Matt (Speare) offered me a ride — we’ve worked together for years but never hung out. But quickly I realized I had no idea who this person was: I’ve been working next to someone who uses a creamsicle air freshener all these years? It felt like the Willy Wonka tunnel,” said a clearly startled Alvarez. “It was a peek behind some weird curtains. His car had strange trash in it: Big Bite boxes were strewn about, and there was a smashed hard pack of Kool Filter Kings. And to top it off, he was listening to an Ozzy CD. The man with a ‘Cats in Tuxedos’ desk calendar listens to ‘Blizzard of Ozz?’ It’s like everything I know is a lie.”

Even with Alvarez trying to play it cool, Speare still felt the tension.

“I was more than happy to give Jeanie a ride, but when she got in the car it just felt wrong. She’s usually really talkative, but it got dead quiet and it looked like she was sweating a lot. I tried to make small talk — even making fun of that jerk Bret in HR — but outside of the office, it all just felt awkward,” said Speare. “The only thing that really broke the ice was my music: she was so surprised that I was into metal. Thankfully that filled the time, but I hope she doesn’t want to be friends. I can’t do this again.”

While this event seems extreme, Howard University sociology professor Dr. Paul Grissom stressed that this is very common.

“Many famed work relationships have struggled in the real world: Laurel and Hardy were not real-life friends, and the ‘Mythbusters’ guys actually don’t like each other. And of course the heartbreaking tale of Mötley Crüe not even saying goodbye to each other after their last show,” said Grissom. “The good news is, studies show that these boundaries are healthy. Imagine going out to grab a drink and discovering a coworker is a fan of later Metallica records. I couldn’t work with someone like that.”

Alvarez was unable for further comment, as she was still recovering from the “horror show” inside her neighbor’s apartment after agreeing to feed their cats for the weekend.

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