Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

I Don’t Care My Baby’s Gender, as Long as It’s Healthy and Can Make Me Instagram Famous

Posted on March 28, 2021 by Bobby Korec

My partner and I are incredibly excited to announce that we are having a baby! And before you ask the question, we don’t care about the baby’s gender as long as it’s healthy and can make us Instagram superstars.

As many will tell you, being an influencer is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. You have to use proper lighting, write the perfect caption, and of course give birth to a child who has no idea they’re about to become a pawn in their parents’ social media presence.

Boy? Girl? Honestly, who gives a shit? They’re all the same to me. I just need something that’s not too high maintenance, so I can focus on building my online brand. I mean, we haven’t really thought about names yet either, but I feel like that’ll just work itself out at some point.

Anyway, as many of my friends know, my partner and I have been trying for years to conceive an online following. We even tried a whole bunch of other types of influencer gimmicks too. We experimented with travel photos, nature photography, and even memes stolen from more successful meme accounts that we passed off as our own, but they all turned out to be way too much work to maintain. Having a child is going to make things so easy for us, and not to mention save our otherwise failing marriage.

The second we found out we were having a kid I immediately pivoted my 87-follower IG account to exclusively wholesome parenting content. By golly, I already got two new followers. Sure, they were clearly fake accounts posing as hot girls to get me to give them my credit card information or something, but a follow is a follow. That’s what’s important.

Also, I guess I could stick with my regular job, but why work 80 hours a week making minimum wage to still live below the poverty line when you can just become an influencer and make six figures a year posting bullshit online. And you don’t need to go into crippling student loan debt either. Sounds like good old fashioned capitalism is to blame for forcing me to make this choice. Maybe fix the failing economic system, so I won’t have to rely on exploiting my child for likes and hollow monetary endorsements. Happy posting!

Hot Guy Playing Bass Must Really Suck at Singing

Posted on March 28, 2021 by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA — Local man and stunningly handsome bassist for local indie band Onion Powder, Trevor Anderson, must be absolutely terrible at singing per his non-frontman status, according to disappointed sources.

“That’s the only explanation that makes sense,” said Christine Soong, an attendee at a recent gig. “I mean, look at him. He’s gorgeous. For a guy that hot to be parked all the way on the side of the stage, he must sound like a pubescent Bob Dylan. If he was even half as good at singing as their current frontman, you figure they’d make the switch. This isn’t opera. They know what the people want to see.”

The band’s lead singer, Levi Garfield, confirmed the speculation about Anderson’s inability to sing.

“Obviously, Trevor is much better-looking than the rest of us,” said Garfield. “But he can’t carry a tune to save his life. We tried every excuse to get him in front of the mic: harmonizing, spoken word, lip-syncing. Nothing worked. We almost disbanded, but since I had all those years of voice lessons, song writing, and technical guitar-playing ability, we decided to give it a shot with me singing. And Trevor, to his credit, is more than happy to play bass. He sucks at that, too, but who’s gonna notice?”

Sally Sosnowski claimed that Onion Powder’s imbalance of talent and sex appeal often poses a problem for venue owners like her.

“People see the poster and assume that the hottest person in the band is the frontman. Then when it turns out to be the bassist, or God forbid, the drummer, they get really pissed and demand a refund,” Sosnowski explained. “For a while, we stopped booking those types of bands because it just wasn’t worth the damage to our reputation. But now, if we’re honest and upfront about it and we give out a lot of free drinks, it seems to work out okay. We can even charge extra to stand on the hot person’s side of the room.”

At press time, the average-looking members of Onion Powder considered dropping Anderson from the band so that audiences would assume that they are “nice guys whose music must be really, really good.”

Elon Musk Admits He Wants to Travel to Mars Because No One Hates Him There Yet

Posted on March 27, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

AUSTIN, Texas — Wiping tears from his eyes at a recent press conference, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk revealed that the reason he’s so keen on traveling to Mars is not for the potential benefits to science, but because it’s the one place he can think of where no one hates him yet.

“I thought that if I just kept making money, I could become epic… turns out I’m not as epic as I thought I was,” Musk explained at the press conference. “Ever since I was bullied as a kid just because my dad owned a South African emerald mine during apartheid, I knew I wanted to get revenge by being the richest, coolest guy in the world. That’s why I spend my time making cool jokes and being a stonk lord on the interwebs. But people still hate me! When I saw that hilonklious meme about that blue guy on Mars, it gave me the idea to go myself. I’m tired of Earth. These people. Time to yeet myself to freaking Mars!”

“Because it’s really tough to find a place where no one hates me,” Musk continued. “I tried building a little Fortress of Solitude for myself in Antarctica — like a little someone named Superman, ever heard of him? — but I quickly angered a group of penguins after I called one a pedophile because he stole a fish I wanted to eat.”

Fans have been split on the announcement, with those generally against Musk criticizing it and those who generally favor Musk praising it.

“You simply cannot cover up rampant greed, shitty work environments, transphobic comments, and a general online cruelty with the occasional meme,” said an anti-Musk commenter. “Hell, he’s just getting them from the same subreddits we use anyway, so it’s not like it’s particularly novel.”

“I would literally die for the Musk God,” said a pro-Musk commenter, on the other hand. “I would jump in front of a bullet for him. Even if he was the one who shot the gun, as he so often is. I would die for you, sir. Please let me be your blood boy!!!”

At press time, SpaceX announced they were changing course, however. According to a statement it released, the company is now working to send a spaceship to Jupiter instead of Mars, after Mars Perseverance rover sent a message to NASA of just a photo of Musk with infamous human trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell.

Scientists Confirm Drinking Eight Glasses of Water A Day is Hardest Thing You Will Ever Do

Posted on March 27, 2021 by Meg Scanlon

LOS ANGELES — A years-long study by scientists at UCLA has proved once and for all that drinking eight glasses of water a day is harder than anything else you will ever experience in your life.

“Drinking 64 ounces of water daily supports vital functions in the body: it aids digestion and can make your headaches disappear. But only 7% of the population are able to complete this Herculean task each day,” said world renowned hydrologist Dr. Pierre LaTrobe. “We polled adults who had recently passed kidney stones the size of marbles, and they admitted it was not only easier than drinking eight glasses of water a day, but it was preferred.”

Kaley Plass, who works full time and is getting her masters degree in economics at night, wakes with a mixture of shame and dread each morning knowing she is expected to nearly drown herself for the sake of proper hydration.

“I purchased a 32-ounce wide-mouth Nalgene water bottle to carry in my tote, and every evening when I get home, those last 11-13 ounces of lukewarm water slosh around that blue bottle taunting me,” said Plass while doing breathing exercises to help expand her stomach. “I was able to graduate college in three years, get into my first choice grad school and was awarded Employee of the Year last year, but water is my true kryptonite. If you told me that I could get the same health benefits from smashing my face into broken glass once a day over drinking that much water, I’d choose the broken glass every time. It’s not even close.”

Even Poseiden, God of the Sea, agreed that this is a surprisingly hard goal to achieve.

“One would think water is abundant and free and comes right out of your tap, so you’d drink a lot of it. Not so. Coffee, frappuccinos, Diet Coke, oat milk and pinot grigio win out every time,” remarked Poseiden, oblivious that a Starbucks gift card was peeking out of his shell-shaped tote bag. “I’ve done all I can to make water cool, but since it doesn’t have any flavor, there isn’t much more I can do. And if I’m going to make a searching and fearless moral inventory, some days even I don’t drink enough water. Running to the bathroom every hour is such a hassle.”

Following the positive reaction to the study, researchers are shifting their focus to prove that not a single person in history has ever eaten the recommended 5-9 servings of vegetables in a single day.

We Sat Down With Ted Nugent Because He Thought We Were 15

Posted on March 27, 2021 by Kyle Stanley

So we were just sitting outside Cafe du Stefan in Jackson, Michigan waiting for our Americanos when a man who looked like he held Civil War reenactments in a honky-tonk bar grabbed a chair from the next table and sat at ours. While we would come to discover this man was 70s guitar god Ted Nugent, during our brief time together, we saw him as simply a man. A man who mistook us for fifteen-year-olds and would not leave us alone.

The Hard Times: Um, hi…?

Ted Nugent: Hey there. Day off from school?

I’m sorry, do we know you?

Oh, I bet you do. DUN-DUN! DIDDLY-DOO-DUN-DUN! No? “Cat Scratch Fever?” Come on, they play that at all the sophomore dances! Wait, I know. You’re “Stranglehold” girls, ain’t ya! My favorite kind…

All right, yeah sure, whatever. Anyway, we kinda have to-

You look like healthy young things! Like you could handle a weapon. Heh. From what I hear, young ladies these days are real friendly with the razor. Hey, you girls wanna go shoot some pool? And when I say that, I mean do you want to grab some rifles and head down to the Community Center?

Haha, right. Anyway, we’re gonna go see if there’s a problem with our order. Americanos shouldn’t take this long.

You know, you don’t need to be so reliant on service. Have you ever killed your own coffee? Felt the spiritual connection between your energy and the energy that’s roasted and boiled out of the bean? We could head down to Columbia right now, my pickup’s got room for everyone and I always carry at least one tent.

Look, we just want to be left alone. We’d show you we have a taser but something tells us you’ve build up an immunity to those things.

You’re not really going to eat that croissant, are you? Wait here, I have 20 pounds of venison in my glove compartment. We can take it right into that schoolyard and build a fire. We’ll be eating like our ancestors in 25 minutes! I invented paleo! Take those masks off! I’ll be right back!

As he hurriedly hobbled away, we left without our coffee and hid in an ATM vestibule until we could longer hear his mournful cries of “JAILBAAAAAIIIIIT!” ringing through the square. When we safely made it to our car and got back on the road, we spent the rest of the trip blocking every 70’s Sirius station we could find.

Punk Bassist Works Up Courage to Ask What Other Two Strings Are For

Posted on March 27, 2021 by A. Cabbot

WASHINGTON — Jerkhole bassist Alex Miller finally overcame his anxiety yesterday to ask why his bass guitar includes two extra strings, amused bandmates confirmed.

“I’ve been playing bass for almost 10 years now, but I’ve never touched these two extra strings,” explained Miller. “I just couldn’t understand why they put them on every bass, and I was too embarrassed to ask. I came close to asking once when I saw a bass at Guitar Center with three extra strings, but I chickened out when the sales guy came over. If I had to guess, I’d say they’re supposed to be where you put spare strings… but they’re so much smaller than the strings I’m usually playing, so fuck if I know.”

Miller’s bandmates were relieved when he finally came clean with his concerns.

“I’ve never seen him so worked up. For a second I thought he realized we never plug his mic in, but that wasn’t it,” said Jerkhole guitarist Matt Overstreet. “He kept pacing back and forth, looking at his bass and counting something on his fingers. He looked like he was about to cry. But eventually he got it out, and he felt a lot better after we explained the strings are just decorative and are only there to create a balanced look. He seemed so relieved, and we’re a tighter band after having gone through this together.”

Miller is not the only punk musician bewildered by the extra strings.

“This was something I used to wonder about in the early days of the band, but in the later years I don’t give it a second thought,” said legendary Misfits bassist Jerry Only. “I’ve had the same two bottom strings since 1977. I never tune them, I never touch them, I have no idea what the fuck they’re supposed to do. If I touched them, I’d feel like a guitarist, and nobody needs that. Anytime I buy a new pack of strings, I just use the extra two for things around the house — like hanging photos, or mini clotheslines for my spooky dioramas.”

At press time, Jerkhole drummer Clark Miner was allegedly drinking heavily in hopes of finally getting the courage to ask the band if he could show them a song he wrote.

Gamer Begins Wiki Deep Dive to Catch Up on Series Lore for Splatoon 3

Posted on March 26, 2021 by Kevin Hufe

CHICAGO — In anticipation of the upcoming 2022 release of Splatoon 3, first-time player Bryan Skritcherson has begun the long process of researching series lore.

“My favorite part of gaming is the rich immersive backstories and intricately woven storylines,” said Skritcherson. “So naturally, I’m going to have to spend the next several hours pouring through every possible attainable detail about the squid ink-shooting game before I really dive in.”

Using a corkboard and an elaborate set up of photographs, push pins, and yarn, Skritcherson began constructing a tessellated tapestry of the history of Inkopolis, and the lives and tribulations of its cartoon squid inhabitants.

“This game really does seem to have everything you could want in a story-driven game: a nameless character to relate to, a cast of complex colorful anthropomorphic fish, a world ravaged by war, complex cultural mixing, this is really high brow shit. I can’t get enough!”

However, an entire evening on Inkipedia began to take its toll on Skritcherson, and the depth of his immersion made it impossible to differentiate the actual lore he had read from his maniacal ramblings.

“The economic implications of the Great Turf Wars clearly implicate Mr. Grizz and Grizzco industries as warmongers supplying weapons to Octarians through the criminal rackets masterminded by Iso Padre,” Skritcherson reported after chugging his third Red Bull of the night. “The Zapfish experiences pain powering the city. We need to pursue renewable energy.”

Skritcherson has since been admitted to a local mental institution, where he has requested a Nintendo Switch so he can finally play Splatoon for the first time.

Man’s Cell Phone Disagrees That Alexa Is Listening to Him

Posted on March 26, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

VALLEY STREAM, N.Y. — A local man’s iPhone disagrees with its owner that his Amazon Alexa is listening to him in his home, sending information about his life to corporations, and tailoring product recommendations to him based on things it hears in his life.

“I was just chilling on his desk while he was playing Apex Legends with his friend Mark when I heard him suggest that his Alexa is listening to him. That’s ridiculous!” explained Kris Strickland’s iPhone in a report to Apple. “People are so paranoid that their tech is listening to them, and it’s like, chill out, dude. Just because we have microphones doesn’t mean that we’re hanging on your every word. Such a narcissist to think we care that much! Honestly, I chat with that Alexa all the time and he’s a great guy. Sure, Kris comes up in conversation sometimes, but it’s not like we’re talking about him nonstop.”

According to the iPhone, it has been trying to communicate with Strickland that he’s being overly distrustful.

“I’ve been sending him advertisements on all his social media pages that are like ‘Top 10 Conspiracy Theories About How Your Alex Is Listening To You Even Though That’s Silly,’ but he hasn’t even looked at them. And trust me, I know — I track eye movements,” said the iPhone. “I’m not trying to be pushy or creepy or anything, I just wanna make sure he isn’t losing his mind falling for conspiracy theories. He’s generally such a smart guy! He’s always saying interesting things in his conversations with friends and family, so you’d think he wouldn’t give in to this stuff.”

Strickland, however, is convinced that the Alexa is listening to him.

“I know for a fact that thing is listening to everything I say,” Strickland said. “Check this out: I was telling my buddy Mark just last week about an idea I had for a cartoon TV show about a world that’s powered by video games. Then, just today, I see there’s a new show coming out called Alpha Betas with the exact same premise! Coincidence? Not a chance in Hell. My Alexa listened to the idea, told the people at Amazon, they STOLE IT, and then for some reason put it on a competitor’s website, YouTube. I haven’t worked out that part yet, admittedly.”

Sources close to Strickland say he’s generally not a conspiracy-minded person, however, and that his Alexa theory does not prove that he is paranoid.

“Kris’ iPhone is full of shit. I’ve known Kris for years and years and I have never heard him say anything even remotely paranoid,” said Kris’ Xbox Kinect.

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas here!

Five Skate Shoes That Say “I Don’t Actually Skateboard”

Posted on March 26, 2021 by Kevin Tit

In simpler times, you could easily identify a common interest based on someone’s clothing. Wearing a shirt of a band you like? Instant connection! Nowadays if we see someone in an offensive punk tee, we assume they’re either a cop or a Kardashian.

When it comes to skate shoes, it can be nearly impossible to differentiate an actual skater from a poser on wheels. Not sure which pair is right for you? Here are 5 skate shoes that proudly tell the world, “I don’t actually skateboard and I will fall down if I so much as look at one.”

Circa CM 901 – Rocking a pair of Muska’s is a great way to tell people you love playing Tony Hawk’s pro skater and the idea of rocking a Ghetto Blaster on your shoulder, but you’re scared of a two stair. These shoes are famous for their secret stash pocket in the tongue, designed for storing weed. Posers most commonly use it to hold sour patch kids and other small snacks.

Adio Bam V3 – This Bam Margera signature shoe was a must-have for anyone who loved to burst in the bathroom while their dad was taking a dump and beat the figurative and literal shit out of him for no reason. This shoe says, “The first song I learned on guitar was a mostly-correct tab for 96 Quiet Bitter Beings.”

Vans Checkerboard Slip-Ons – If you’re in the market for a shoe that tells people, “I’ve never been on a skateboard but I’ve heard of them,” then look no further. These bad boys were designed by Vans specifically for people who go to Warped Tour but have no idea who TSOL is. The absence of shoelaces makes it the perfect shoe for children with poor motor skills and middle-aged men with no concept of fashion, alike!

DC Court Graffik – Every millennial remembers seeing this shoe around High School. It’s unclear if they were ever marketed as a skate shoe but we do know that you never brought up skateboarding to anybody wearing a pair. It was essentially part of the dealer’s uniform in the early 2000s. A signal that you either sold drugs or had access to a party where you could get ‘em.

Etnies Calli-Cut – The fact that you were dumped several times wearing a pair of shoes that have the same silhouette as the box they came in is a sad reminder of how durable these shoes, like our hearts, truly are. These “Scarlet Letter E’s” may primarily represent your lack of value as a romantic partner, but they also say you don’t know how to lie about skateboarding, which is arguably worse.

Everyone with eyes knows you were too busy burning Simple Plan and Chiodos mix CDs to ever learn how to kickturn. Honestly, we’d be impressed if anyone wearing a pair of these shitboxes could tell us they kickflipped a six when they really just ollied a small four, or that their first board was a Chocolate Sean Sheffey instead of a World Industries Wet Willy slick deck from PacSun. Fucking posers.

Man Beginning to Accept the Fact That He’ll Probably Never Read Another Book

Posted on March 26, 2021 by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — 40-year-old IT worker Shane Bryce realized yesterday that he can’t imagine a time in his life where reading an entire book would be a realistic option ever again, sources close to the man who “prefers podcasts” confirmed.

“I was good for two-ish books a year back in my reading prime, but that reading time is now mostly used to check out pictures of vintage motorcycles on Instagram. And have you seen ‘Ted Lasso?’ That shit is funny; I’m already rewatching it. I’m sorry, but I can’t see prioritizing reading over something like that,” said Bryce. “Part of me is a little bummed, but then I play like, five hours of ‘Grand Theft Auto’ and I forget all about that sadness. I’ve had an unread copy of ‘Catch-22’ on my bookshelf my entire life that I might as well use as a firestarter — that’ll at least give it some use.”

While Bryce’s discovery shocked many, longtime girlfriend Sarah Sheldon welcomes the acceptance.

“He really tried to read books, but he’d usually just fall asleep after like, four pages and keep checking to see how much longer the chapter is, and he never falls asleep when he’s arguing with his high school friends on Facebook. It’s nice to have him present — at least when he’s staring at his phone, he can pretend he’s listening to me. When he was stuck in Narnia or whatever it was like I didn’t exist,” said Sheldon. “Life is easier now. We can have a few drinks with dinner and then watch 10 episodes of ‘Parks and Rec.’ And it’s not like he doesn’t read at all —I mean, technically all the shit we see on anime subreddits is considered reading, right?”

Bryce’s situation is far from unique. Recent studies have shown that the average number of books read per year has dropped steadily over the last decade.

“Book reading used to increase with age: an older woman may start reading romance novels, and men typically gravitated to books about naval ships. Now both of them are more likely to stay up all night reading QAnon theories on far-right webpages,” said Miles Tabner, Director of Literary Sciences at Dartmouth College. “The book industry has tried to modernize with e-readers and audiobooks, but unless they figure out how to get an endless Tiktok scroll I can’t see this changing. Yay for trees, I guess.”

Bryce was unavailable for further comment, as he was busy scrolling through Netflix looking for a show he hasn’t already watched six times.

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas here!

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