Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

We Rank the Worst Unsolicited Advice This Sound Guy Only Gives To Women

Posted on March 26, 2021 by Heather Cook

This sound guy can never resist giving unsolicited advice to impressive women who intimidate him with their talent. You never see him offering any advice to the awful all-male grunge-core band that didn’t even have their bassist’s amp on, but he always has something to say to the femmes.

We’re sick of this sexist asshole and are ranking the worst unwelcome advice that we caught him only giving to women:

1. You could benefit from having some better gear. Ask your guitarist what’s good, he probably knows his stuff.
When the sound guy assumes the men in your band know gear better than you do? Classic! If your male guitarist is anything like mine, he doesn’t know shit. He’s still using the thirty dollar Fender he bought at a garage sale in high school and his burn-out brother’s hand-me-down pedals. This sound guy is just dying for you to ask him what “better amp” he suggests so he can flatter himself with a long winded answer that he’s been practicing in the mirror for this exact moment. Don’t listen to him. Your gear is fucking tops.

2. You need to check your tuning more. Your E and A strings were sounding flat.
Hard to believe the sound guy with all the powerviolence tattoos would care that much about tuning. You checked your tuning in between every song. You were air-tight! But something about seeing talented women full of joy after a flawless performance makes this sound guy uncomfortable. He simply cannot resist giving advice, even if he’s just making something up to fulfill his power trip. Whatever keeps his dick hard!

3. How about you try to just sing louder?
You’ve been trying to perfect your whispery ethereal-style vocals for years, and then what happens? This shitbag sound guy would rather ask you to sing louder instead of just mixing the monitors accordingly. No, Bret, she’s not going to compromise her personal style just for your lazy ass. You’re going to do your fucking job and figure out how to make this set-up work or we’re burning the place down.

4. You should check out “INSERT MEDIOCRE ALL-MALE BAND NAME HERE.” Now that’s a band that can actually rock.
That boring local noise band that only ever books shows with other all-male bands? This sound guy is trying to kill two birds with one stone by showing off his extensive knowledge of bands nobody cares about while making you feel inadequate. Apparently his favorite instrument is the penis because you’ll never hear him recommend a band with women in it.

5. Your stage presence could use some work.
Oh cool, stage presence advice from a dude who does his job in a dark corner while snorting cocaine. If a woman has high energy on stage then it’s “too extra” for him and if a woman is more subdued then it’s “not compelling enough” for him. There’s no pleasing the guy that would prefer to just not see women on stage at all. Maybe it would be compelling enough for him if you took a shit on his soundboard.

We’d love to see what advice he has to give about that.

Punk Starting to Regret Using One of Three Wishes to Bring GG Allin Back to Life

Posted on March 26, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local punk Adam Schultz is beginning to regret using one of his three wishes to bring infamous singer GG Allin back to life after spending yet another day cleaning the punk legend’s shit off his apartment walls, disgusted and scared sources confirmed.

“Ever since I found that genie, I feel like I’ve been cursed. You think it’s a good idea on paper, but then the guy is shooting heroin straight into his dick on your couch and trying to puke on your cat,” said Schultz while cleaning his sheets with bleach. “Every night it gets worse: he’s been spraying diarrhea around like he’s a human feces cannon and then trying to set my house on fire, and, even worse, he’s immortal. He’s overdosed and been declared dead several times, but the next day, he shows up again at my door, naked and covered in God-knows-what.”

Sources report Schultz’s anger is nothing compared to that of his housemates, who have also suffered from the return of the punk singer.

“I’m going to fucking kill Adam over this. I don’t know how he thought this was a good idea,” said roommate Kyle Heller while hiding one of the only unsoiled towels in the house. “We used to have a pretty nice place, and now we’re basically living in a crackhouse. I’ve lost count of how many stabbings there’ve been here since Allin showed up. If I walk in the kitchen one more time and see GG jerking off into our fridge, I’m going to lose my fucking mind.”

Necromancy experts report that raising the dead is one of the most common, and worst, mistakes anyone can make when making wishes.

“One of the things we tell people is that when you have the opportunity to bring someone back from the dead, it’s not going to be your idealized or nostalgic version: you’re getting that person back as they were at death,” explained local occultist Linda Lawrence. “I can’t stress enough that bringing a person back from the dead is like raising a child — the newly undead need constant care to adapt to a world they may not fully comprehend, and will likely start indulging in the same habits that killed them in the first place. Correcting this requires training and discipline. In this case, I’m not sure what this fucking idiot expected. It’s GG Allin.

In a last ditch effort to be rid of him, Schultz used his final wish to resurrect the dealer who sold Allin the heroin that killed him.

Gamer Captures Bigfoot at Atrocious 1080p Resolution

Posted on March 25, 2021 by Andy Holt

LONGVIEW, Wash. — Gamer cryptologist Emma Donovan claimed she saw Bigfoot in the woods this morning, but was only able to get footage at an unwatchable 1080p resolution.

“I got back home and watched the video, and I realized it was useless. Nobody is going to believe my story if this is all I have,” said Donovan about her footage of Sasquatch picking an apple from a tree, cleaning it in a stream and eating it over the course of five minutes. “You can’t even see the individual hairs on his arms! It totally breaks the immersion.”

Skeptics claimed blurry images were a common tactic among con artists, often used to lure gullible people into believing conspiracy theories.

“You just give people a little something to start with, and their imaginations take it from there. Like that black silhouette of the Loch Ness Monster, or in this case, a video of Bigfoot where I guess we’re just supposed to trust that he has eyelashes? Because I sure don’t see any,” said Dr. Terrance Fuchs after watching the end of the video, when Donovan asks the creature if he is Bigfoot and receives a thumbs up. “There’s basically nothing here.”

Forensic experts examined the footage and found no evidence of tampering, meaning that 1080p was likely the native resolution, leaving no room to upscale.

“It was shot on an iPhone camera, which suggests whoever filmed this piece of trash might have been a mobile gamer. That’s consistent with the scientific consensus, which is that mobile gamers make everything look like shit for the rest of us,” said chemical analyst Patricia Duff. “If they had shot this on PC, we’d have our first real proof of Bigfoot.”

In defense of Donovan’s footage, the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization issued a statement insisting that 1080p was actually fine, and had a certain charm to it, actually.

Even Conspiracy Theorist Kinda Surprised How Right He’s Been Lately

Posted on March 25, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LAS VEGAS — Conspiracy theorist Andrew Hawkins has recently been taken aback by how much he has gotten right in the last few years, according to familiar sources.

“Look, I’m a conspiracy theorist — I believe some pretty wacky stuff — but I don’t expect it all to actually, you know, be true. I just like to believe shit! So when I started hearing all this stuff about Jeffrey Epstein, the JFK assassination, foreign coups, I was like whoa! I was just throwing darts at the crazy idea dart board, I didn’t expect to hit all bullseyes,” Hawkins explained, deepening his voice to avoid detection from potential lizard people. “Man, even the New York Times is running articles about UFOs this year. It’s freaking me out!”

Hawkins’ long time ex-girlfriend, Jane Holland, who left him years ago due to his increasingly troubling beliefs, felt that she needed to reach out to him in response to recent news.

“I called him because I wanted to apologize about criticizing him all those years ago when he said the U.S. government hired Nazi scientists after World War 2 — I had never heard of Operation Paperclip,” Holland said. “But he was pissed off, because it turns out, neither had he! He felt that it was it just some cool thing he read on an ugly website, not something you could read in a book. It was a really awkward conversation and at least thankfully reinforced that I was right to break up with him.”

But the extent of Hawkins’ prowess as a conspiracy theorist is not even known to him. A representative from the CIA who wished to remain anonymous, but also asked if they could be called “Deep Throat 2,” reached out to us to reveal some information that they had on Hawkins.

“I straight up got nervous when I saw some of the stuff he had on his Twitter about how all dogs have microphones in them because I was like, hold on, how does he know that?” Deep Throat 2 said. “So I’ve been following him for about a year and it turns out the guy was just totally guessing! He just has a good eye for it, I guess, because there’s probably seven or eight things that will come out in twenty years that will blow his mind when he sees he nailed it.”

At press time, Hawkins, freaked out about his recent discoveries, vowed to have only the most normal and verified opinions possible, sourcing them from only from the most legitimate sources: YouTube videos of guys yelling in their trucks.

You a conspiracy theorist? We have a fun one for ya. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas, a world where the CIA hires a top secret team of gamers! This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas.

Quarantine Is Ending, Which Means It’s Finally Time To Start My Novel

Posted on March 25, 2021 by Jonah Nink

Lowering infection rates, more vaccinations and a healthy crowd of people inside Applebee’s can only mean one thing; Quarantine is ending! The return to normalcy has given me the inspiration to finally start writing the great American novel. And I mean it this time.

I mean yeah, it would have been nice to have a novel done by now, but it just wasn’t the right time. People will tell you that quarantine was the perfect opportunity to work on creative projects but they’re dead wrong. It’s a well known fact that a large amount of free-time like that clouds the mind and stifles your creative energies. They say great art comes from unprecedented times? Bullshit! I write my best during precedented times. Besides, I was still pretty busy during quarantine anyway. I had to, uh, walk the dog and… work stuff.

Basically what I learned is that I can’t write my art in a vacuum, so now I just have to write my art between work and family and going out and stuff, which I was not doing before. So I’m halfway there.

Do I regret making all those posts at the beginning of quarantine about how I was going to use the time to work on my novel? Not all! The operating word is “work,” which technically is still true. My writer brain is always in motion, even when I’m not writing. I may look like I’m watching WandaVision on the outside, but on the inside I’m conjuring up worlds and stories that would blow your fucking mind, dude. I’m talking about some “Infinite Jest” level shit. My novel is basically done at this point. All I have to do now is just write, which is totally the easy part.

And it doesn’t even bother me that all of my author friends finished their novels over quarantine. Writing is a delicate process and they obviously rushed it. So who cares if they’re all getting compliments from people and film adaption deals and making money. Although it would be nice to have something to show from the past year. The publishing process itself is pretty long, and I have been working on this stupid book since 2006. But not too much! Rome wasn’t built in a year or whatever.

Today is the day I finally commit to starting this novel! I’ll start when Quarantine is fully over. I’ve got like, family stuff today.

Man Swears Ex-Therapist Is Crazy

Posted on March 25, 2021 by Kate Howard

SAN FRANCISCO — Local bad boy who has never done anything wrong in his life Patrick Webb swore again today to all his friends and family that his ex-therapist is “crazy,” unsurprised sources confirmed.

“Yeah, man… I don’t know what that chick’s problem was, but she was totally crazy,” Webb stated. “She kept saying weird phrases like, ‘Fixating on other peoples’ issues can be a sign of projection as well as a way to protect your own ego,’ and was always implying that my parents’ divorce that took eight years to finalize had an emotional impact on me. I didn’t need any of that, and she was completely wrong anyway. I was just there to talk about my psycho ex-girlfriend and, I dunno, maybe get some Xanax. Like, stop being so clingy.”

Webb’s ex-therapist Dr. Miriam Hewett remembers Webb for his extreme overconfidence and defensive nature.

“He definitely didn’t like whenever I offered any advice or tried to talk things out, which is confusing, since that is literally what he hired me to do,” Hewett explained. “After a few months it was clear he wasn’t making any progress and that I wasn’t helping him, so I said I had to stop seeing him and reminded him that there are plenty of other therapists out there… upon which he called me a bitch and stormed out without paying for the session. I guess it’s just part of his process, though. I wish him all the best.”

Despite this failed relationship with another mental health professional, Webb hasn’t given up hope of having a therapist who agrees with him completely and says only what he wants her to.

“I’ve been seeing Patrick for a few months now, and it’s clear he has some major issues,” said Webb’s current therapist Dr. Taylor Jameson. “He keeps going on about these crazy ex-doctors of his and I’m not sure whether to believe him, but I let him keep talking about it. It’ll be a long process, but I really do think I’m the one who can change him. Some of them did sound like total bitches.”

At press time, Webb complimented our outfit and asked us out, then called us an “ugly cow” when we said no.

Meet the Unlucky Stock Photo Model We’re Using for Our Article About Racists

Posted on March 25, 2021 by Dillon Magrann-Wells

Periodically we like to take a deeper look at the different people who are responsible for our articles. That is why today we will be looking at this stock model who will be featured in our next article making fun of alt-right racists. We don’t know a lot about him, but we do know that he is unlucky. By random chance we have deemed his generic photograph a perfect image for maximizing SEO on our article about entitled white supremacists.

We first met him when we typed “white guy” into our stock image library and then added the words “cocky” “good looking” and “punch-able.” He seems to enjoy getting his photo taken so maybe he’s trying to make it as an actor, or he could just be a friend of the stock photographer who needed someone to pose for a series that needed to take place in a classroom. He might be into fitness since he is very good-looking, with a smile that seems well-rehearsed but could easily hide an air of racial superiority, which works great for our comedic purposes.

Take a good look at this man. This, for our purposes, is the face of hate in America.

We don’t have a name for him yet, but we’ll make sure it’s something vague like Alex or Mike, tactfully avoiding any play on stereotypes by giving him a name associated with the deep south, like Kleadus. Who knows? This article we are working on needs to be a very brutal take-down of the systemic racism in this country and it needs to be easily shareable. In fact, the article might get so popular that people will begin sharing it without our masthead, and soon the line between parody and fact will become increasingly blurred. Tough break (Alex/Mike/Dave?).

Hey, for all we know we’re right about this dude. Look at him. We did, and the first thing we thought was “racist poster boy.” I’m just saying, there’s never smoke without fire, right?

In any event, this unlucky bastard’s real story, his hopes, and his dreams will be replaced by our grotesque and admittedly exaggerated speculations. Sometimes, when you sign away your likeness, that’s just the cost of doing business.

Soon this model’s sharp jawline will be the first thing you see when you google the words “racist” “white power” or due to a glitch in our host sites tagging toolbar “sex criminal”. When that inevitable day comes, we’ll thankfully get to say we knew him before his big break, when he was just another hasty decision to meet a deadline.

Merch Guy Demoted to Bass Player

Posted on March 25, 2021 by David Britton

CINCINNATI — Sidney Frogus, the longtime merch guy for the band HorseBird, was demoted earlier this week to being the band’s bassist after his latest and final merch mishap.

“One day, you’re on top of the world… and then the next, someone’s yelling at you about how you fold hoodies. This is over-the-top punishment,” said the stunned Frogus. “It’s so humiliating to tell your girlfriend that you’re a bass player now. Do you have any idea how that feels? She tried to act like everything was okay, but suddenly I’m not allowed to use the power tools and she’s cutting my meat for me at dinner. I don’t even know what I’m going to tell my parents — if my dad finds out I’m part of a rhythm section he might disown me.”

HorseBird lead singer Frances Gunn insisted that, although the band was indeed frustrated with Frogus’s performance, demoting him to bass player wasn’t meant to be degrading — although he admitted it “definitely is.”

“Working 1-2 hours a day and doing basic arithmetic was clearly just too much for Sid,” said Gunn. “We all love the poor dunce — he’s a fun guy, and has a good heart — so we needed a way to keep him around with the least amount of effort possible. Bass just made sense.”

Dr. Shanda Sung, a professor of economics and mathematics at the University of Cincinnati, noted that this often happens to would-be merch guys who get in over their heads.

“It’s all good and well to sell a couple of stickers after a show for your friends’ band when they first start out,” explained Sung. “But if the band becomes more popular and they start adding T-shirts and what-not, well… that’s a lot to keep track of. Even a seemingly simple task, like trying to fit everything into a tour van, requires a certain degree of spatial intelligence and can be quite mentally taxing. Playing bass, on the other hand, is basically a mindless activity that can be performed in a semi-conscious state. In fact, once one gets over the utter humiliation, it can even be rather fun to stand on stage and strum along with the real band members.”

HorseBird members insist it could be worse for Frogus: the bass position only became available when the band’s last bassist suffered a traumatic brain injury and was forced to switch to drums.

Photo by Stephen Bell.

Increasingly Loud PS4 Sprouts Propeller and Flies Away

Posted on March 24, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

TUCSON, Ariz. — A seven year old PlayStation 4 that has been making more and more noise has reportedly grown a propeller and engine system and flown away from its owner’s bedroom.

“Fuck me, I didn’t think it had gotten this bad,” said Nate Wharton, shortly after the gaming console had flown through his bedroom wall. “It was getting louder all the time, and hot, too. I thought it might fritz out eventually or something, but didn’t think it would just straight bail on me one day. Damn man, I’ve had red-ringed Xboxes and Joy Cons with drift, but I have not had a system evolve before my eyes and vacate the room yet. How do I report this exactly?”

Sony executives insisted it was an isolated and explainable incident.

“Need I remind you that we’ve sold over 100 million of these things,” said Jim Ryan, president and CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment. “That leaves room for a lot of freak occurrences. Are a few going to blow up? Sure. Get real hot? I don’t know, probably. Grow some sort of propeller and/or navigation system and proceed to escape its perceived captors? Almost certainly.”

While the bizarre news story was covered nationally to the delight of many, Wharton’s mother reportedly didn’t appreciate Sony’s attempts to get one over on her.

“First it was iPhones’ batteries dying after a few years, and now this bullcrap,” said Shirtley Wharton, Nate’s perturbed mother. “He tried telling me that this was a sign we should get a PS5, but I told him it was a sign he needed to put his shoes on and go track that damn PS4 down!”

As of press time, Wharton was seen a few streets over chasing his flying PlayStation4 with a pool skimmer, hoping it got stuck in a tree or something.

Quarantined Pantera Fan Running Out of Drywall to Punch

Posted on March 24, 2021 by Ryan Danley

DALLAS — Laid off mall security guard and avid Pantera fan Jamie Gunderson has essentially torn his apartment down to the studs with his fists while in quarantine, concerned neighbors report.

“When this whole pandemic kicked off, I seemed to have an endless amount of drywall in my apartment, so I was pretty free with my sheetrock boxing — I’d crank up some ‘Vulgar Display of Power’ and just go to town. But it’s been almost a year, and it’s turned into a wall-socking marathon, not a sprint,” said Gunderson after driving his hand through the remaining drywall in his closet. “I started with just the living room, but before I knew it, my bedroom didn’t have an inch to cram my meat hook into. By the time I reached the bathroom, I realized I better slow down, but I get pissed off so much.”

While Gunderson’s concerns grow heavier by the day, roommate Manny Danvers is concerned about Gunderson’s overall mental health.

“J-Dog has always been such a nonconformist, and this last year has been so hard. When he was working at the mall tackling shoplifters and choke-slamming skateboarders, he’d come home satisfied. But to see him laying on the floor to punch holes just above the baseboard breaks my heart,” said Danvers. “I tried to help him — I spent an entire stimulus check on spackle to patch some holes for him — but it’s just not the same. Nothing can replace that feeling of a fresh crack. Now, he mostly just listens to ‘Cowboys From Hell’ and sobs. It’s sad.”

Historical sociology professor Maggie Schowalter, Ph.D. explained how recent studies show that Gunderson is far from alone.

“The quarantine has forced many counter-culture groups into performing ritualistic behavior in abnormal spaces… although Pantera fans seem to have reverted back to ‘caged animal’ status quicker than others,” Schowalter said. “We’re seeing graffiti in the homes of Eminem stans, and punks have begun actively spitting on their roommates. But goths may have it the worst: they used to hide from the world in their rooms, but now the world is their rooms, so they’re hiding outside. The poor dears are going to get a sunburn.”

Gunderson was unavailable for further comment, as he had just realized that the ceiling is drywall too.

You a conspiracy theorist? We have a fun one for ya. Check out the pilot episode of Alpha Betas, a world where the CIA hires a top secret team of gamers! This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News