Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Cop’s Wife Wishes He Trusted Her As Much as He Trusts White Shooter’s Explanation

Posted on March 24, 2021 by John Danek

ATLANTA — Stay-at-home mother Mary Benson wishes that her husband, Atlanta Sheriff Rick Benson, believed her explanations of the goings-on in their home as much as he believes the ramblings of white shooters he encounters on the job, she declared.

“When Rick gets home from work and he asks how my day was, I’ll say something like, ‘I made a stop at the bakery,’ and he immediately interrupts and asks if I’m fucking the baker,” whispered Benson, who regularly texts her husband selfies to prove she is running her normal errands and not cheating on him. “And yet, when some incel can’t contain his hate anymore and murders innocent people working hard to make ends meet, my husband takes those excuses at face value. It’s frustrating, but I guess it’s just part of the duty of being a police wife.”

Sheriff Benson reflected while apprehending Alex Friedkins, yet another white shooter.

“It’s a shame, really. This kid Alex can’t find a girl to date him despite his impressive Reddit karma, hentai collection, and ginger mutton chops,” stated Sheriff Benson, who shared his Twix candy bar with Friedkins immediately after apprehending him. “But he says he’s a God-fearing Christian, and I’m inclined to believe him. I’m happy that I don’t have to be a young person in 2021 — everyone gets so offended if you demand a date from some pretty girl you just met and cornered at a bar with your holstered gun clearly visible. That’s how I met my wife, Mary.”

Experts posit different theories as to why officers tend to trust perpetrators more than their loved ones.

“The crime has already been committed, so the accused don’t really have anything to gain by lying,” stated retired Atlanta police chief Ian Yarbrough, who keeps in touch with multiple white shooters via a regularly scheduled Zoom trivia night. “Now, my wife on the other hand? There is so much better dick out there that she could get, and there’s no way she would be open about it or attempt to divorce me. This police pension is no joke.”

Sources close to Mrs. Benson report that, in a desperate attempt to increase the trust in her marriage and save her relationship, she plans to shoot up a donut shop next week while her husband is on duty.

We Sat Down With the Singer of Everclear’s Father and His Story Is Way Different

Posted on March 24, 2021 by Chris Jones

Every ’90s teen can recall a time when they blasted Everclear’s “Father of Mine” after a particularly contentious dispute with their dad regarding a purchase from Spencer’s gifts. Sure, no one read too much into the song. All we knew was that this guy was pissed and his dad was the reason, so we cranked that shit to piss him off. But what if we told you that Everclear was completely one-sided in the way he wrote that song? Has Everclear been profiting off of a complete fabrication of this story?

Fortunately, we were able to sit down with the most hated dad of the ’90s (besides our own), Paul Everclear, to set the record straight.

The Hard Times: Honestly we never thought we’d be dying to talk to you. That song made you sound terrible. But you’re saying that you were far from the absent father that your son, Everclear, made you out to be?

Paul: Yes! Don’t even get me started! The whole song is a load of horseshit. I gave that kid way more than a name and it really hurts that he’s making me out to be some kind of monster. I mean, it’s not like I named him “Metallica.”

I’m sure you can understand why people would be skeptical about hearing this revelation. Let’s walk through the song itself and you can tell me where the story deviates from the truth. It doesn’t all sound horrible. You’d take him to the beach?

Oh, I did so much more than just take him to the beach AND the movies. I took that ungrateful little bastard to Disneyland at least twice. I even got him the fast pass so we didn’t have to wait in any lines. If Kris Roe was my kid, I bet he’d have included that in the lyrics. But of course, my son Everclear didn’t put that in his song. Did I mention I gave him his name?

Yes, over and over while we were setting up. Do you have any other examples of him being misleading?

The birthday card with a $5 bill line really ground my gears. I’d send him $20 minimum every birthday. Maybe his greedy mom was pocketing $15 of it to make me look bad. I should have seen that coming. She never let me see him no matter how many times I asked.

So according to you, his mom wouldn’t let you in his life. But what about his troubled upbringing overall? You raised him in a rough neighborhood?

You must be referring to when he said he was a “scared white boy in a black neighborhood.” Yeah, fuck me for wanting to raise our kid in a diverse neighborhood.

What did you think when you first heard the song? Was it a big surprise?

I first heard it in 1998 when I was waiting in line at a Quiznos. I honestly enjoyed the song until later when I saw the video on MTV. I was like, wait a minute, that’s my son! I did so much for this kid and he’s out there making millions talking shit about me. Obviously, I was pretty ticked.

Have you tried working things out with Everclear? Do you see any possible resolution between you two?

I feel like too much damage is done at this point. I have a new family now and step-daughters that buy me those cheesy “world’s greatest dad” mugs, so I do my best to move on and avoid places like Chili’s that are known to play the song.

Thanks to Paul Everclear for giving us his side of the story. Check back next week when we sit down with Harry Chapin’s dad to ask what it was like being a stay-at-home dad in the ’50s.

“It’s a Boy!” Shouts Couple Getting Pummeled by Blue Albums at Weezer-Themed Gender Reveal Party

Posted on March 24, 2021 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Local couple Debbie Yolander and Brian Guyson sustained mild concussions yesterday after guests at their Weezer-themed gender reveal party hurled copies of the Blue Album at them in celebration.

“We’re huge Weezer fans, but forgot that the corners of jewel cases can be moderately sharp, especially when 25 of your best friends are whipping them at you at full speed,” said Yolander while applying several adhesive bandages to her spouse’s nicked up forehead. “Honestly, I wouldn’t change a thing… except I probably would’ve gone with digital download codes instead of their heavier, physical CD counterparts. Sure, we probably should’ve learned our lesson from our previous kid’s reveal party when vinyl copies of ‘Pinkerton’ were dropped from a trapdoor in the ceiling. My husband had to wear an eyepatch for a month when one scratched his cornea, and my knee still hurts when it rains, but it was all worth it.”

Friends of the couple had mixed feelings about the celebration.

“Overall, I thought the whole thing was tacky, especially when the couple made everyone guess the gender by making us wear shirts with either Buddy Holly or Mary Tyler Moore on them,” said Jared Schlesinger, a guest who also mentioned several times that Weezer’s non-singles were far superior. “And sorry to be that guy, but Weezer’s first album is actually just self-titled, and only colloquially known as the Blue Album. Also, ‘Pinkerton’ isn’t pink. So, canonically-speaking, this gender reveal idea doesn’t track. I honestly thought everyone would be more receptive to me calling that out several times throughout the party.”

Experts have seen these gatherings routinely getting more specific.

“Gender reveal parties need to be one-of-a-kind in order to maximize engagement and likes on Instagram,” said party planner Sarah Forgatton. “And the more dangerous the reveal, the better. Look no further than that one that started a wildfire that’s probably still ablaze. Stuff like that will put the whole country on notice and get everyone talking about your baby, which is obviously the prime objective of these events.”

At press time, the couple were asking a paint expert at Home Depot to accurately match the color on Weezer’s Green Album, so they could use it to paint their future son’s room.

Professor X Unsure What to Do With Mutant Whose Only Power Is Knowing When a Bob Seger Song Is Playing on Any Classic Rock Radio Station in America

Posted on March 23, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

NORTH SALEM, N.Y. — Professor Charles Xavier, headmaster at Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, is reportedly at a loss as to how to utilize the talents of one of his students, who can identify if and when a song by musician Bob Seger is playing on the radio and the call number for that particular station.

“I have always been able to utilize my students’ abilities to help fight for mutant kind, but how is knowing that 101.3 Chicago’s Spin is currently playing Night Moves going to help us defeat Magneto?” Professor X said during a staff meeting. “I’ve got him washing The Blackbird and sweeping Cerebro. I have to keep him away from the other students because they are annoyed he hums “Turn the Page” all day long. Can I expel someone for being useless?”

The student, identified as Rodney Bailey a.k.a Transistor, 16, is also concerned about his special power.

“I know Professor X says that our abilities are gifts not curses, but I wake up in the middle of the night screaming the lyrics to ‘Fire Lake,’” Bailey said after another night without sleep. “He said that I will learn to control my gift but really, I’d much prefer it just go away. I don’t think the fate of the world is ever going to hang in the balance whether or not someone knows that 99.8 out of Topeka is spinning ‘Mainstreet.’ At best, I would be a good sub for bar trivia because by now I’ve memorized most of his catalogue.”

When reached for comment, staunch anti-mutant Senator Robert Kelly (R-NY) offered his opinions.

“These mutants are a blight on our society. There are some that can walk through walls, start fires with their minds, and now I heard about this new one that can tell you when Bob Seger is being played on the radio,” Kelly said during an anti-mutant march. “Wait? That’s all he can do? That’s so stupid. I mean, yeah I guess he’s fine. I’m not going to waste a Sentinel on him. What’s he gonna do? Quote ‘We’ve Got Tonight’ at me?”

When reached for an update, Bailey was said to be under a sedative after Tampa’s HITZ 100.5 started playing rock blocks of Bob Seger all weekend long.

The Top 10 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on March 23, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

What is art? Is it something that makes you feel? Is it something you sell to rich weirdos so they can inefficiently burn money for a tiny bump of serotonin? Or is it a humble comment, that makes you go ‘haha, so true’? Well thanks to NFTs, it can now be all of those things at once, as long as what you feel is anger. Our comments this week don’t have any value in the cryptocurrency market (yet), but they do bring a lot of value to our community. Let’s check them out!

I was going to make fun of joelalanpelanne for being so willfully ignorant, and then I learned Jake Paul made $2,000 dollars selling an NFT that was just 20 seconds of one of his videos, and now I both envy and want to preserve his ignorance. If you have a heart, please stop spreading awareness.

Mark my words Kyne, if you live in that PS5 box, a dad is going to unknowingly kidnap you while planning to prank his son by putting some socks in it. If you’re lucky though, you might be able to keep the socks.

I thought it was easy until I got to the boss that was 20 Catholic nuns all beating Kratos with rulers. I even had to make a new save because I got the “Deep Shame” debuff and couldn’t get rid of it.

Remember to always eject first folks. You don’t want to die and be met with this:

If you want to imagine America’s future, imagine the Asylum Demon’s fat juicy ass slamming on a human face — forever.

Now, we know we like to have fun around here, but if we could be serious for a moment, we here at Hard Drive want to address something that has caused a rift between us and the community.

In our article I Didn’t Get a Megatron ‘Toy’ Stuck up My Ass, I Got a Megatron Action Figure Stuck up My Ass, we made an error in which the article indicates that the model is a 1984 Megatron design, yet the picture clearly shows a later iteration of the character. We are sincerely sorry to all those affected, and are launching an internal investigation to find out exactly how this happened. We understand this is not acceptable, and we hope that by addressing it, the healing can begin.

And rather than trying to sweep this under the rug, let us honor those Transformers fans by dedicating a full weeks worth of comments just to them:

You know how when you say something pointless, and someone says “who cares?”

Well, now you can answer “Compiler42”.

“Listen, I did go to the hospital, but I realized if they took it out they’d realize how basic my collection is and I was so embarrassed that I left. Now that I’ve explained, can you please take those salad tongs and help a friend out?”

And now, a scene from Transformers: The Enemy Within.

INT. SECRET MILITARY BASE – NIGHT

JOHNNY
You’re telling me that we didn’t beat Starscream back in Georgia.

GENERAL
Afraid not son. X-Rays show that the son of a bitch made a tactical retreat into your colon. But, we’ve got an ace up our sleeve.

Optimus Prime enters, shrunken down to just 8 inches tall

JOHNNY
Optimus?! Are you sure you want to do this?

Optimus stares Johnny down stoically.

OPTIMUS
I am willing to go to any lengths… or any depths, for a friend.

(Before you say anything, Compiler42, I know Optimus Prime is dead in the current series.)

Those boxes are huge dude, that’s just dangerous.

…Really, do you want the truth? Fine, I bought it second hand off ebay, okay?! I was just embarrassed and didn’t want to look lame that the Megatron I shoved up my ass wasn’t mint condition. Are you happy?

In a three way Venn Diagram of intimidating, impressive and shameful, changing the form of a Transform lodged in your ass is square in the middle.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. They’re worth more than an NFT, and are much less harmful to the environment according to recent research. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

How To Turn Your Hobby Into Money and Eventually Something You Hate

Posted on March 23, 2021 by Bobby Korec

So your lifelong hobby has been an incredibly rewarding activity, but you’ve been doing it for free this whole time like some unopportunistic fool who hasn’t felt the pressure of capitalism driving them to monetize every aspect of their life. We’re so sorry to hear that! Let’s help you fix this right away.

It’s time to turn that hobby into extra income by treating it like a real job on top of your day job. And your Lyft driver career. And TaskRabbit gig. Sure, this will likely transform your hobby into a chore and ultimately become something you loathe with all your being, but what else are you going to do? Feel fulfilled for free?

The first thing you want to do is get yourself an Etsy shop. It doesn’t matter what you make, price it and sell it online. Eventually, after months without a single sale of your one-of-kind product, you’ll realize that shoppers only seek familiarity. Soon enough you’ll be forced to pivot the brand and specialize in different variations of “live, laugh, love” signs in a neverending chase of the almighty dollar. Even if you wind up monetarily successful, over time you’ll find that you hate what you now stand for.

Next, start thinking about the business side of your hobby. Sure, it was satisfying to spend your weekends building a custom coffee table made from repurposed pallets with the woodworking skills you never knew you had until you got an undercut. But if you want to make the big bucks, you have to build your brand online while developing a marketing strategy. Also, start viewing your friends as potential consumers. Promote your work for sale on your Facebook and make sure to list the price so the friends that haven’t blocked you yet can be converted into buyers.

You may also develop a sense of jealousy with peers that have way more subscribers on their hobby-based YouTube channels. This should really speed up the disdain for your craft and you might even give up to start a whole new identity. Anyway, good luck out there in the free market!

Man Still Haunted by His Botched Nickelodeon Toy Run in 1994

Posted on March 23, 2021 by Ben Friedman

VERONA, N.J. — Local 36-year-old Jordan Wilkins still hasn’t forgiven himself for completely botching his shopping spree during 1994’s “Nickelodeon Super Toy Run,” friends and family who prefer not to talk about the event confirmed.

“I spent the whole plane ride down to the big Orlando Toys R’ Us formulating my strategy. But when the day came and once they blew the whistle, it went downhill immediately,” said Wilkins, downing his third whiskey of the afternoon in a darkened dive bar. “I went to the video game aisle and grabbed a stuffed animal off the counter, when a Genesis and every Sonic game was staring at me in the face. A fucking stuffed animal? Why was it even there? Then I bee-lined to the action figures, and you know what I threw in my cart instead of a sweet-ass Technodrome? The fucking Street Sharks. I can still see Mark Sommers rolling his eyes and Jeffrey the Giraffe shaking his head at me when I crossed the finish line.”

Wilkins’ wife has tried to help him through his trauma, considering the strain on their marriage.

“I remember early on he used to ominously refer to something called ‘the incident,’ and I assumed he saw his best friend drown when he was a kid or something. It wasn’t until years later I was going through his old VHS tapes, and there it was: Jordan throwing toys no reasonable child would want into his cart,” said his wife Christine. “It made me completely reevaluate the man I married. It was one of the worst toy runs I ever saw: the kids there who were supposed to cheer him on were actively booing him when he grabbed a bunch of bike helmets and elbow pads, instead of actually grabbing some tags for bikes. After I watched the tape I spent two nights at my sister’s place to think things over.”

Though Nickelodeon ended the sweepstakes over 10 years ago, high level executives still receive letters asking for a do-over.

“You’d be shocked how many former contestants — now grown adults, mind you — write to us begging for another crack at the contest. Toys R’ Us is gone. What do they want to do, sprint through Kohls?” said network executive Keith Prindle. “I’d rather read 20 letters from kids with cancer who want to meet the literal cartoon of Spongebob than another diatribe about some idiot who couldn’t tell Legos from Mega Blocks.”

As of press time, Jordan was having a psychotic breakdown in the toy aisle of a local Target after an employee asked if he knew what he was looking for.

Photo courtesy of Duncan Krumrine.

Bad Luck? This Guy Has 24 Personalities And All Of Them Are Into Ska

Posted on March 23, 2021 by Chris Jones

Put any two people in a room together and make them talk about music long enough, they are bound to find some crossover in their taste. It stands to reason that the same, to some degree, would be true for a single person with 24 distinct personalities. But what are the chances that they all list The Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ “Impression That I Get” as one of their top jams? I would hope slim to none, yet nevertheless, here we are.

We recently met a person with 24 different personas, and the most disturbing thing about them was that every facet of their fragmented psyche was way into ska.

How does this happen? I can understand someone with this condition having one ska-personality as a defense mechanism when cornered by a Mustard Plug fan, but 24?!

The first of Kevin’s personalities I met is arguably everyone’s favorite, Hedwig. I noticed him right away, as he was all giddy rocking a No Doubt shirt. I was speechless at first, but remembered his love for music, so I asked for his opinion on Ska. He excitedly shouted that he was super into, “Less Than Jake, The Specials, Goldfinger, etcetera.” Something was really off with his answer. I can understand a kid being slightly interested in Goldfinger. Even I got into their rendition of 99 Red Balloons when I first heard it watching that Rocket Power movie where they shred in New Zealand — but Less Than Jake and The Specials? That’s just weird dude, especially for a kid.

I had to see if Hedwig’s love of Ska had made its way across any of his other personalities and he was switching identities quickly, so I jumped at the chance to investigate. It turns out Patricia, being the hardhearted cunning bitch she is, loves listening to relaxing Sublime songs while calculating how to unleash The Beast on their victims. She would not confirm this directly, but she gave herself away by hinting that she was a, “Badfish indeed,” which is probably one of the most Ska sayings in history.

Regarding Kevin’s most dangerous personality, The Beast, it’s hard to know much about him other than that he can most likely rip a grown man in two. Several of his personalities did reveal not to play Reel Big Fish’s Beer near them because it unleashes The Beast and makes him get rowdy as fuck. Luckily I have taste and would never casually play Reel Big Fish unironically, so my body is perfectly intact.

Honestly what caught me the most off guard was Barry. This personality came off more like an offensively gay stereotype Kevin was putting on to add more diversity to his lineup of identities. I didn’t get much intel on his favorite Ska bands, but he asked if I’d be down to go shopping for suspenders and trilby hats and that told me everything I needed to know.

As I continued to question every one of Kevin’s personalities on their love for Ska it became clear that they all had the sickness of thinking this is a real genre of music. “Look. It’s a blessing and a curse. We all are just really into Ska,” interrupted Dennis with a creepy grin. He clearly was getting tired of me wasting their time. The last thing I wanted was to get chloroformed and stuck in this cellar with a bunch of Streetlight Manifesto Fans, so I took it as my cue to peace the fuck out of there.

COVID-19 and Mass Shootings Announce Co-Headlining US Tour

Posted on March 23, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

BOULDER, Colo. — Unpopular yet devastating virus COVID-19 announced it will be partnering with Mass Shootings in a co-headlining killing spree that will stretch from coast to coast, horrified sources confirmed.

“Look, people think that I’m played out and that I’m yesterday’s news, but I still got a lot of mutations in me. I’m not just a one-note disease. I like to linger, I like to lay dormant, and I’ve got a lot of surprises to share on this tour,” said the virus responsible for nearly three million deaths worldwide. “A lot of people were surprised when I asked Mass Shootings to hit the road with me because everyone thought I was responsible for the sudden decline in senseless killings, but I’m going to be the reason Mass Shootings come back on a whole new level. Do you know how many frustrated people are out there cooped up in their shitty apartments with nothing else to do but look lovingly at their guns? It’s a fucking lot, and we are ready to rock.”

Mass Shootings admit that they felt a bit overshadowed by the virus in 2020, but are excited to work with such a certified killer.

“I was more active than ever in 2020, but I did it behind the scenes while the media was covering the pandemic. I know when to step aside and let something else have its moment, I’m not trying to be called a diva. I mean, I broke my own record for shootings, but I can honestly say none of them were classics,” said the American phenomenon. “This is the year that I get back to my roots and really make waves. Me and COVID-19 are a tag team that can’t be stopped, and people from coast to coast are gonna be seeing us whether they like it or not. There aren’t enough hospital beds or portable morgues to be able to handle what we’re about to unleash.”

Americans across the country did not take kindly to the announcement.

“No,” said every American. “Fuck this, just fucking stop. Fuck all of this. Fuck fuck fuck.”

The tour has already picked up Government Inaction as a sponsor.

Inside the Koopa Slaughterhouses That Fuel the Insatiable Kart Racing Industry

Posted on March 22, 2021 by Kyle Erf

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A controversial new investigation into the supply chain buttressing the extremely popular sport of Kart Racing sparked outrage among fans and activists.

“When we began our study, we never expected the koopa slaughterhouses producing the shells handed out as powerups to be this bad,” said Dr. Marleen Enoki, author of the best-selling expose Kart, Inc. “We’ve all seen pictures of baby koopas roaming beautiful picturesque fields. Well, when they reach 16 weeks old, they’re brought inside and into cages with no room to turn around. They’re fed a diet of mashed up coins and cow hormones until they’re heavy enough to be thrown at a moving vehicle.”

Enoki’s investigation showed the coveted blue shells to be the cruelest of all.

“I know it’s fun to see superstars like Mario or the dog lady from Animal Crossing take out the leader, but koopas aren’t supposed to be blue,” she explained. “The color and spikes are the result of a rare genetic autoimmune disorder, bred into them. These koopas are literally sick until the day they die.”

The workers are victims as well. Minimum wage, largely immigrant, employees are paid to jump up and down on koopas in order to euthanize and deshell them.

“It’s dangerous work,” said one employee on condition of anonymity. “Last month a new guy got a green shell moving too fast. Bounced off a wall and took his legs off. My heart breaks when I think about how 90% of green shells used in a kart race miss. If only people knew.”

Industry leaders quickly came to defend these practices.

Said Warton Mouser, CEO of Kart Supply Inc., “the fact is, Kart Racing is a beautiful thing, and there’s nothing wrong with loving the sport. God made koopas for us to throw at each other when we’re driving our go karts. They’re a subservient species to Man — and talking mushroom people — and we have every right to use them this way.”

At press time, activist movements are in their infancy within the Kart Racing fandom. With some groups agitating for an end to powerups as being unfair anyway, and others demanding the inhumane shells be replaced with “a gun.”

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