Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

CDC Says Human Centipedes Now Only Need to Wear Mask on Front Piece

Posted on March 22, 2021 by Laura Merli

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced today that Americans who have been surgically attached to others at the mouth and/or anus by a deranged madman only need to wear face masks on the head of the human centipede.

“We determined that 93 to 98% of mouth droplets from a middle or end piece of a human centipede are deposited directly into the anus of the piece in front of them — even when they are vigorously screaming, ‘Please kill me, why won’t you just kill me?,’” said CDC Director Rochelle P. Walensky. “Similarly, since their noses are locked in a downward facing position, nasal droplets solidify on the lower back of the piece in front of them, as opposed to winding up in the air. However, non-centipedal citizens should continue wearing masks over any mouths and/or noses they have.”

The move to separate behavioral recommendations for human centipedes vs. singular humans has left everyday Americans divided.

“What kind of a message does it send to our children that if your mouth is sewn over someone else’s bumhole, you don’t have to wear a mask?” said 65-year-old concerned Connecticut man Wilbur Houston. “What if people start electing for this surgery to avoid mask mandates? Every time the CDC gives a recommendation it just makes things more confusing — not to mention that I have a friend in Texas who says all the human centipedes there are writhing around with no PPE at all.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the public face of the pandemic response in the U.S., supports the new guidelines.

“The recommendation is really based on data: since human centipedes are unable to stand, even the miniscule amount of particulates that could come through their jagged stitches are unlikely to be breathed in by others,” said Dr. Fauci. “I do want to be clear, however, that this doesn’t mean human centipedes shouldn’t take other precautions: it’s crucial that they still wash all of their hands and knees after crawling outdoors, and maintain a 6-ft social distance from anyone whom they are not sewn to.”

Mask guidelines could soon become irrelevant for all Americans, however, as U.S. President Joe Biden directed states to begin vaccination of all adults by May 1st, 2021. “By July 4th,” Biden declared, “we hope all Americans can celebrate independence like the middle and end piece of a human centipede: maskless, with their faces in another person’s ass.”

Cat Walking Across Belly Not Enough to Interrupt Man Masturbating

Posted on March 22, 2021 by Literally A Koala

DOYLESTOWN, Pa. — Local sous chef and frequent masturbater Kyle Myers would not pause his jerk-off session Monday when his cat, Mittens, crawled across his stomach, disgusted sources confirm.

“I was almost done jerking off — not to mention, I was already late for work — so I had to stay focused and plow through it when he slowly walked across me,” said Myers of the encounter that would have led most people to get dressed immediately or at least go finish in the bathroom. “I figure he’s already seen me do all kinds of shit — he’s watched me put things in my ass, he’s watched other people put things in my ass, and he was there for that entire two-week stint when I plowed through all of ‘The Sopranos’ without showering, but this almost crossed the line. Almost.”

Myers’ cat Mittens, a European Shorthair, had a more detailed account of what happened Monday.

“Whenever I see Kyle’s phone screen switch to anime, that’s when I know that nothing — and I mean nothing — is going to stop him from tugging his hog to completion,” said Mittens. “I don’t have opposable thumbs, so it sort of feels like a low-key flex when he masturbates. But I get it — I can lick my own penis, and despite his many attempts, he cannot. Usually when Kyle starts jerking it, that’s my cue to go scratch stuff or do some catnip, but I jumped on him Monday because I wanted to investigate why he always masturbates in his roommate Brad’s room while Brad is at work.”

Dr. Lindsay Sigroi, professor of Behavioral Studies at Cornell University’s College of Veterinary Medicine, says it’s very common for pets to engage with you during masturbation.

“While research is limited, we’ve concluded that our pets are mostly worried that we might be masturbating to other pets, causing them to interfere,” said Sigroi. “They get jealous, which can induce stress-fueled habits, like obsessively watching you go to town on your own penis or vagina. Sex and masturbation doesn’t seem to bother other types of pets, though — like birds or fish, who are simply trying to stay occupied in the prisons they’ve been confined to until they reach the sweet relief of death.”

Mittens is scheduled to disrupt additional activities in the household, including responding to work emails and taking regular shits.

Photo by James Knapp.

Not All Millennials Are Lazy! This 34-Year-Old Already Memorized Half His Social Security Number

Posted on March 22, 2021 by Heather Cook

Millennials have been deemed the lazy and entitled generation, but there are a few exceptions. Sure, most of us are still living in our parent’s basement and would rather get another “meaningful” band tattoo then save up for rent, but go-getter Travis Horn is breaking the apathetic millennial stereotype. He’s still the wee age of 34 and already has half his social security number memorized!

The staff at the DMV were completely shocked when this beanie-wearing millennial did the unspeakable and proudly wrote down the first five digits of his social security number without hesitating. Unfortunately, he was not able to renew his license because he couldn’t remember the rest, but hey, baby steps! By the time he’s 40, I doubt he will still be holding up the line by asking “can I just skip this part?”

The fact that he dragged his ass out of bed so his mom could drive him to the DMV to begin with is an act of pure will power that most millennials can hardly muster.

As you can see, some millennials are trying really hard to be beneficial members of society who have their shit together. Gen-Z may tell us that skinny jeans are no longer cool and that we destroyed the ozone with all of our vaping, but this guy is different. He took ten minutes to memorize half his social security number when he could have been starting a podcast about bitcoin and IPAs.

Maybe think about hard-grinding young trail-blazers like Travis the next time you feel like opening your boomer mouth to say millennials have no work ethic! Doing the bare minimum is a lifestyle choice. It’s all about work-life balance, and by work we mean maintaining a YouTube channel and by life we mean constantly borrowing money from our parents.

Our generation gave you some of the most hardworking people to ever exist. AOC, Beyoncé, LeBron James… and this guy that memorized half his social security number! Put them all together and you have the work of an entire generation right there. So next time you want to call millennials lazy, just remember that some of us are going the extra mile, as long as that extra effort doesn’t interfere with brunch.

Racist Aunt Tired of Even More Racist Uncle Getting All the Attention

Posted on March 22, 2021 by Tony Morse

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Covert racist Nancy Jensen admitted she is sick of her more conspicuously bigoted husband receiving all the recognition for his horrendous views on races and religions, disappointed sources hoping the couple won’t come over for any family gatherings reported.

“The other day our neighbor Wanda told me about her Black friend who got a raise at work and bought a BMW, so naturally I explained the unfairness of affirmative action and asked if she knew where he really got the money for a thing like that. I got no response… and I’m guessing it’s because my husband Ron distracted her with the giant Confederate flag he was putting up in our front yard,” Jensen jealously recounted. “When [Ron] explained that flag is part of our history, you should’ve heard her scream. I’m surprised she responded to something historical so strongly. Last February I tried talking to her about how there’s no white history month and she just changed the subject.”

“I don’t know what I need to do to be seen,” added a grimacing Jensen.

Extended family members confirmed the Jensens use differing approaches to perpetuate racial trauma.

“Aunt Nancy really needs to be told off,” admitted niece Jennifer Collins. “When I told her that my fiancé is from Puerto Rico, she kept hinting that I should probably keep my last name — kind of fucked up since she’s always said feminism is stupid. But before I could call her out, Uncle Nazi calls me a ‘race traitor’ and says I better not have any children. I ripped him a new one, but I guess in my rage I forgot to tell Aunt Nan to go fuck herself. He has this way of making you forget about Nancy and her bullshit. Maybe that’s something we need to work on.”

Sociologist Abigail Smith agreed that the racist aunt and uncle dichotomy is real, both in terms of presentation and social response.

“It’s especially prevalent in our politics,” the veteran scholar observed. “Take your aunt who always votes against even minor tax increases designed to help impoverished communities of color hampered by decades of systemic racism. She won’t spark as much dialogue as your uncle in a MAGA hat and Pepe the Frog T-shirt who doesn’t even vote because he thinks elections are fake. Pardon the pun, but it’s kinda deplorable.”

At press time, Nancy was retweeting Bill Maher’s latest racist tirade about China and the Coronavirus while Ron shared photos reminiscing of his time at the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville.

Organizers of Martial Arts Tournament Didn’t Say Anything About a Fucking Bear

Posted on March 21, 2021 by Ed Smith

TOKYO — A former MMA champion officially withdrew from an international martial arts competition yesterday after a brutal mauling from a Japanese brown bear.

“I show up for the first heat, and they tell me it’s taking place on the helipad on the roof,” explained Canadian fighter Todd Morris, two-time winner of the Mixed Martial Arts heavyweight title. “So I go up there — and this building is something like 125 floors—and there’s just this bear. No referee, no cut man, not even an audience. Just this huge fucking bear, standing up on its back legs, dressed in a pair of boxing shorts.”

While tournaments vary in their protocols and rules of combat, Morris insisted that what happened on the helipad was “definitely not cool” and most likely against the law.

“I’m up there, and before I can even put down my kit bag, a deep voice yells ‘Fight!’ and the bear charges at me and hits me in the chest with a double dropkick. I go down. It starts doing knee drops on my head. I’m expecting the bell to ring, because I know the rulebook front to back, and that should 100% be a disqualification,” said Morris. “But instead it’s the voice again: ‘Perfect.’ How do you even get a bear on top of a skyscraper?”

Other competitors expressed similar concerns, citing the “complete disregard” for MMA regulations by the organizers of the tournament.

“They made us fight in the middle of this farmers’ market,” claimed Rosie Ryman, an American kickboxer who competes in the Ultimate Fighting Championship. “The other guy had a sword.”

In response, the hosts of the tournament issued a statement vowing to investigate how matches are officiated and organized.

“To improve our levels of fairness and ensure appropriate match bookings, next year’s tournament will feature fights between two competitors who use precisely the same moves and are physically identical to each other in every single way,” read the statement, in part. “Except one of them will be wearing a slightly different version of the other one’s outfit.”

This year’s tournament remains controversial, however, as last year’s champion, the Devil, is scheduled to defend his title.

Okilly Dokilly Guitarist Skeptical Homer-Themed Metal Band Will Return Borrowed Gear

Posted on March 21, 2021 by Jake Menez

PHOENIX — Stead Ned, the guitarist for the Ned Flanders-inspired heavy metal band Okilly Dokilly, is worried about his missing gear after loaning his guitar and amplifier to the lead guitarist of a local Homer Simpson-themed band last week.

“I was just trying to do what any good guitarist would do when a friend is in need,” said Stead Ned while laying out seven identical sweaters on his bed. “When someone else in the scene-arino needs a helping hand, doing what’s right is the only choice. You just show ‘em a smile and say, ‘Hi diddly ho, neighborino, what can I do ya for?’ But I need my stuff back. I called the guy earlier to get it and he just made a beeping sound with his mouth like he wanted me to think he was his voicemail.”

Homer Gimpson, the guitarist for the band D’oh-verkill, claims their reputation as freeloaders is completely unwarranted.

“You drop some donut in a guy’s acoustic guitar by accident a few times and suddenly people think you’re inconsiderate,” said Gimpson in his practice space fully furnished with Okilly Dokilly gear. “When you’ve been on the scene 30 years like we have, you’re bound to have the occasional mishap. Sure, we ran over the Flaming Moes’ drum kit last year at a bar show, and I’ll admit that I’ve mistaken a guitar pick for a tortilla chip more than once, but that could happen to anybody! Nobody ever talks about all the things we’ve returned in perfect condition, like… um… well, there’s… uh… look, the point is, I’ll give ol’ Neddy’s stuff back just as soon as I’m done with it, okay?”

Fans of D’oh-verkill admit they’ve been alienated by the band’s flippant attitude towards their peers.

“I used to love D’oh-verkill back in the day,” said local police chief Clancy Wiggum. “My friends and I knew every word to every song. But, I dunno… they changed somewhere along the way and lost their touch. They ought to call it quits — I don’t even listen to anything past their 10th album.”

Gimpson was later overheard grunting in annoyance as he spilled a can of Duff beer all over a PA he borrowed from Okilly Dokilly last year, shorting it out and likely ruining it for good.

We Sat down with Tim Allen Because I Was Hoping He Still Had a Coke Hookup

Posted on March 21, 2021 by Ryan Danley

After decades in television and cinema, if there’s one thing people remember about Tim Allen it’s the name he made for himself as an icon. After a successful stand-up comedy stint, he became America’s favorite tool-loving father Tim Taylor. He even went on to star as a beloved children’s character! Buzz something!

Ok, look, we’re just gonna be honest. We’ve never watched any of this guy’s bullshit. We saw a YouTube video last night that said he used to sell coke. He even got busted in Kalamazoo and did time! Well, things have been a bit scarce since the pandemic so we figured this was our ticket to a “snowy weekend” on “Mt. Nose.”

The Hard Times: Welcome Tim! So I hear you have a show or a movie or some talking toy bullshit coming up soon?

Tim Allen: Umm, yeah, I do. I am going to have a reunion show with my old costar. Hey, are you ok? You’re sweating a lot.

Yeah, yeah. All good. So you’re from Michigan, right?

Sure am. Go Spartans!

Right, right. You still hang around with the old Kalamazoo crew at all?

Not really. Hey, wait. Are you actually from People magazine?

Fuck yeah I’m from People magazine! I’m a person, aren’t I?? So nobody from Kalamazoo? No old “work buddies” or anything?

Why did you put work buddies in air quotes? What’s going on here?

It’s a simple fucking question, Tom. Do you still hang out with your old crew or not? Word is that you like to “party”.

Did you really set up this interview just to ask me for a coke hookup? Look, I’m not that guy anymore. I believe in clean, honest living. I do not have the number of any of my old contacts, nor would I give it to you if I did! If you want to ruin your life with cocaine, you’ll just have to find another celebrity to help you do it. Here’s Aaron Sorkin’s number.

Cool. Bye.

People magazine is out of control.

Jock Dad Makes Home Schooled Son Shower With Rest of Family

Posted on March 21, 2021 by Kevin Tit

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. — Local dad and lifelong jock Patrick Bruckheimer is forcing his home-schooled teenage son to take showers upstairs with the rest of the family, concerned teachers confirm.

“Just because this football season was postponed by some hoaxy flu doesn’t mean I’m gonna let my son get soft,” the retired police officer shouted. “We’re taking advantage of this time off and turning our home into a training camp. While all the other players are doing virtual learning or whatever, my boy is in the gym, running patterns in the yard, and washing his ass afterwards in the master bedroom shower with his mother, grandfather and myself. I’ve been criticized for the whole family shower thing, but it’s a critical part of character building in every young man’s life.”

Bruckheimer’s son Daniel says the showers have been awkward, but trusts that his dad has his best interests in mind.

“I just wanna make my dad proud, ya know?” the 16-year-old running back explained. “I was confused when my dad took all the doors off the bathrooms and said he was giving the house more of a ‘locker room’ vibe, but when he started making the family take group showers, that’s when things started getting really weird. I mean, seeing your family naked a few inches away from you is one thing… but watching Dad laugh maniacally while snapping his towel at Grandpa, and the way he’d talk about how big his dick is in front of Mom… that took it to a new level. Like, we could all see his dick. I shouldn’t need to know that.”

Multiple staff members from the high school caught wind of the student’s situation, but only a select few seem to be concerned enough to help.

“Of course I’m worried about this, but what are we supposed to do?” asked Vice Principal Donna Benton. “We can’t go to the police, because they’re all friends with Mr. Bruckheimer — this is a small town, and Daniel is our school’s star player. A lot of us are just kind of hoping that this pandemic will end soon so he can come back to school, and… well, who knows, maybe make someone his own age feel terrible about their body.”

Frustrated Gamer Looks Up SparkNotes for ‘Disco Elysium’

Posted on March 20, 2021 by Gabe Porter

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Irritated gamer Jack Dubbins recently decided to try and find the SparkNotes for the game Disco Elysium after playing for only five minutes, according to frustrated sources.

“Everyone was talking about this game on Twitter. They all said it was amazing and changed what games could be. I was so ready for some intense action, only to boot up the game and find myself transported back to my high school English class reading War and Peace,” said Dubbins, who also failed to complete both Red Dead Redemption games, every entry in the Bioshock series, Breath of the Wild, and A Short Hike. “Like, c’mon! I want to play a game! Not expand my mind with deep themes or metaphors.”

This exasperation eventually led Dubbins to search online for a summary of the plot.

“Since middle school, I have not finished an assigned reading. SparkNotes allowed me to barely pass English,” Dubbins said. “So I figured since this game is like a literary masterpiece or whatever, there had to be SparkNotes. I’ve been looking all over the internet for them.”

A close friend of Dubbins expressed shock and confusion about his desire to play the game.

“Isn’t Disco Elysium’s whole thing that it’s like a book?” said Hannah Graves, who attended high school with Dubbins. “I actually do not understand what made Jack so ready to take the plunge into this game. We’re talking about a guy who used to refuse to read what the teacher wrote on the chalkboard. He always made me sum it up for him.”

Dubbins was unable to find any SparkNotes regarding the game, and instead opted to play a different game that he was sure was more his speed, Planescape Torment.

Gamer Looking to Save the World Regrettably Recruited by United States Military

Posted on March 20, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MODESTO, Calif. — Local gamer Martin Long, 22, has reportedly joined the United States military after being inspired to save the world through his video game prowess, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I was watching that YouTube cartoon Alpha Betas and I was like damn those guys regularly save the planet by being good at gaming. How do I get in on that? And the next thing I knew I was signed up to be a drone operator for the United States Army,” Long solemnly explained, his head in his hands. “They told me I could use an Xbox controller and I just said yes. I wanted to, like, chop up bandits in a parody of Red Dead Redemption, like they do in the show. But I fucked up and now I’m a tool of the military industrial complex.”

Long’s family is devastated about the news that Long has joined the military, as well as the fact that he was so easily convinced to change his entire life after watching just one cartoon on the internet.

“Yeah, if the electrical grid of the world was powered by video games, like in Alpha Betas, then I’d be more than happy for him to use video games in heroic, society-saving measures. But, as we all know, the world does not run on video games. Never has, never will,” said Long’s mother Clarissa Long. “Why couldn’t he just, vaguely do good in the world? When I told him he should apply his video games interests to his real life, I just meant that he should, like, be a good team leader or whatever.”

Despite concerns from the vast majority of people in Long’s life, United States Army general Frank O’Reilly says that

“Hey if we can trick gamers to sign up for the service for a few years, I call that a win. Everyone’s already seeing through our tricks using Twitch, so we had to start recruiting in the comments sections of random video game related YouTube videos,” O’Reilly said. “Sure, they’re miserable while they’re here, but so is everyone. It’s the military!”

At press time, Long had already gotten himself discharged from the military after a reportedly “very annoying” three hour explanation of why BasicallyIDoWrk’s gaming compilation videos are the strongest of the Alpha Betas team.

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot below!

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