We Sat Down With Richard Gere And Explore The Challenges Associated With Having Been Born A 60-Year-Old Man

Posted on March 20, 2021 by Stephen Bell

Richard Gere is known to be one of the silver foxes of Hollywood. With a full head of peppered grey hair, a chin that would make Thanos jealous, and according to my grandma “an ass you’d like to eat cheesecake off of.” His movie catalog includes hits such as “Pretty Woman,” “Runaway Bride,” and presumably others but I definitely haven’t seen them. Quite amazingly he was able to do this while also inhabiting the body of a 60-year-old man for the past 40 years. We sat down with him to talk about how this impacted both his acting career and life in general.

The Hard Times: Richard, thank you so much for sitting down with us today. Should I speak up or can you hear me fine?

Richard: No I hear you just fine. Thankfully being perpetually 60 means that I’ve always been able to hear just fine, but not like those super high-pitched tones the kids use in school as secret ringtones.

How was it for your mother to give birth to a 60-year-old man? That must have been rough.

Well according to my father her vagina sort of stretched in a way similar to how the anaconda from that movie unhinged its jaws to swallow Jon Voight whole, except in reverse because she was pushing me out. The fact that she carried all 165lbs of me to term quite literally makes her the strongest woman I have ever known.

How much of a challenge did this present to you during your formative years in Syracuse? I imagine school would have been difficult.

Oh my, school was very rough. Physically I was 60 years old, but I still had to develop and shape my mind like anyone else. This made it very difficult because all I would want to do is play with the other kids but I would constantly have the cops called on me for reports of some old creep trying to abduct school children. I would then break down in tears until my chronologically older yet physically younger parents could come along and explain the situation. Eventually I had to start doing homeschooling.

But it wasn’t all bad. They did make a movie based on my life. It starred Robin Williams!

“Jack?”

No, “Flubber.”

You got into acting after two years at college. How has being forever 60 affected your acting career?

Well given the fact that my body never changed it meant that I was immediately typecast as the finely aged wine and cigars type of guy. Do you want an actor who both looks like your dad and someone that you would call your daddy? Then cast Richard Gere in your film.

What does the future look like for you?

That’s a good question. Given that I have never aged I start to wonder if this means I am technically immortal. Forever cursed to walk these lands as a perpetually 60 year old man, never having known youth, yet never truly knowing old age either. If I really am immortal though then maybe it’s time for me to go try and free Tibet by force. Buddha knows I have the time.

Nation’s Musicians Who “Just Prefer” Asian Women Suddenly at Loss for Words

Posted on March 20, 2021 by Krissy Howard

UNITED STATES — Straight guy musicians from around the country who usually can’t shut the fuck up about how much they love Asian women suddenly have nothing to say in response to a year-long increase in hate crimes, sources report.

“I heard about the attacks and stuff, which is so crazy,” said San Francisco resident and Skits-O-Frantic frontman, Brian Talbot. “I’m just not really sure what to say, so I think the best thing to do right now is absolutely nothing at all, you can’t go wrong with that. I mean, I don’t wanna make this about me by gently telling someone that I’m thinking of them or asking how they’re doing, and then just listen without offering unsolicited advice or anything. I just don’t think that’s something anyone in pain would appreciate.”

“Plus, I think my energy is better spent pouring this into my music, because if there’s anything that can soothe the terror and rage some people are feeling, it’s a pop-punk song telling about always being there for me friends,” he added.

Countless artists who have made it a point over the years to mention their preferred racial fetish despite not being questioned about it, ever, defended their silence.

“Of course I care about Asian people. If I didn’t like them then how do you explain me being so physically attracted to the women? And I don’t even mean to sleep with just them, it’s just that natural for me! I can’t explain it,” said white guy with dreadlocks and karate enthusiast, Danny Carroll. “Plus, I consider myself a low-key Buddhist, and I spent a semester in Japan. Or, I’m planning to. I’m basically fluent in Murakami though.”

Experts in the field of basic human decency expressed exactly no surprise.

“I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but when it comes trash ass guys who have definitely used the few weeks you spent together three years ago as an excuse to make a ‘love you long time’ joke to their white friends, this is entirely expected,” said regular person who listens to people when they speak, Angelina Park. “At best, we might see a few of them somehow making it about themselves, which will at least be kind of funny group chat material as soon as it stops being unbelievably infuriating.”

At press time, several 35-year-old musicians who exclusively slept with women of East and South Asian descent in their 20s were seen turning to their white wives for comfort.

5 Lyrics From Bruce Springsteen’s “Born To Run” That I Can’t Stop Writing on Little Pieces of Paper Before Crumpling Them up and Swallowing Them Whole

Posted on March 20, 2021 by Mark Bouchard

Bruce Springsteen is the greatest musician of all time and I refuse to entertain the notion that there is anyone who comes close to His level of mastery of the written word.

I started writing His lyrics on pieces of paper and bringing them with me, as a way to empower myself. Shortly after, I began consuming them, so that I can have His power with me, always. Here are a few of the tastiest, and why I eat them:

5. “You get up every morning at the sound of the bell / You get to work late and the boss man’s giving you hell” – Night

With this, I am manifesting a life of nine to five monotony for all of my enemies. I used to think that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but now, having lived it myself, I have reconsidered. Fuck ‘em.

Nobody knows that I have powers. They can’t understand that I am not one to be trifled with and pushed around, because I am able to consume the words of Bruce Springsteen and make come alive.

4. “I want to guard your dreams and visions./ Just wrap your legs ‘round these velvet rims / And strap your hands across my engines” – Born To Run

Like many working class Americans I dream of becoming a car, and then fucking a consensual, age-appropriate partner. I don’t know if I would be dominant or submissive and I don’t really care, just as long as I am a car and my partner is a human being.

I want this to happen for me, and through Bruce, I believe it to be possible. With every swallow of these words I feel it. Little by little, day by day, I am becoming a sex car. Soon pleasures beyond the boundaries of carbon based bipeds will become known to me, all through the majesty of The Boss.

3. “Well I got this guitar, and I learned how to make it talk” – Thunder Road

I bought a telecaster at the start of the pandemic, and it’s just been sitting in a corner of my bedroom since. But around the time I started eating Springsteen lyrics the guitar actually began to speak to me. Sometimes it tells me secrets, sometimes it tells me to do things.

2. “One soft infested summer / Me and Terry became friends” – Backstreets

It would be sick to be friends with a dude named Terry. I think If I had a friend named Terry, I would tell him about my powers. The ones that let me eat Bruce Springsteen’s lyrics and manifest them into the real world. I would explain to Terry that this is NOTHING like the time I ate a bible to become God. That was crazy, and I see that now. My eyes are open Terry, it’s clear.

1. “From the churches to the jails / Tonight all is silence in the world” – Jungleland

When the world sees that I have condemned my enemies to monotony and transformed myself into a powerful sex car, all of the old institutions will crumble. No more religion, no more incarceration, no more war. Earth will become a paradise where some people are cars and other people stay human so that they can have sex with those cars.

Bruce Springsteen’s Born To Run: 3.5 Stars

Guy Grows Hair Out Just in Time to Start Losing It

Posted on March 20, 2021 by John Dixon

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local man James Bo finally fulfilled his lifelong dream of growing out his hair last month, only to discover it happened to coincide with the onset of his male pattern baldness.

“It just sucks, because I’ve always wanted to grow out my hair but something always got in the way — my parents never let me have hair past my ears, my boss and her stupid company regulations, various romantic partners, all that. But I’m a grown-ass man, and as such I can have long hair if I want,” Bo said. “But it’s not even out of the awkward stage. I’m already finding these huge clumps of hair in my brush and all over my shower curtain. My hairline is already halfway to the back of my head, and now I look like Ben fucking Franklin.”

While Bo was caught off guard by the inopportune timing, barber Lance Crawford tried to warn him for years.

“James isn’t exactly a young guy, and I’ve been cutting hair for ages, so I know the signs of impending baldness,” Crawford said. “The last time I did his hair, I warned him that he wasn’t gonna get much length to it before it started coming loose, but he claimed I was trying to convince him to keep it short because ‘long hair is bad for business’ or some shit. And I pointed out to him that he literally pays me because I’m good at this shit, but he was not having it, so more power to him, I guess. Have fun looking like Christian Bale in ‘American Hustle.’”

Beth Bell, a leading dermatologist, expounded on the nature of hair loss and the lengths to which men go to conceal it.

“Hair loss is a natural part of aging for many men, so really, the best thing to do when you notice it starting is to accept it with grace,” Bell said. “By refusing to do so and trying bizarre tactics or medical procedures, you’re joining a line of men stretching back to Julius Caesar with his laurel crown who refused to accept their hair loss. It’s led to several ludicrous fashion trends, and the same Gladiator-inspired haircut in middle aged boys from the years 2000-2003 as a result.”

Bo is ultimately joining this grand tradition by variously attempting to adopt a top knot, a comb forward, and scene-kid bangs in an attempt to conceal his ailing hairline.

Disney Announces Next Marvel Show ‘Mantis, Talos, & Whoever’s Free to Film Next Tuesday’

Posted on March 19, 2021 by Giovanni Colantonio

BURBANK, Calif. — Disney has announced Mantis, Talos, & Whoever’s Free To Film Next Tuesday, a new Marvel show that will stream on Disney+ and feature at least some amalgamation of characters from the MCU.

“You loved WandaVision. You’re ready to dive into Falcon & the Winter Soldier,” read a Disney press release. “Now get ready for the MCU’s most ambitious show yet. Tune in every week to find out which actors don’t really have a lot going on right now and were willing to come down to the sound stage for a few hours.”

Fans are already buzzing about the possibilities, even though there are no firm casting details. Some theories predict that Thor, Ant-Man, and Nick Fury could all show up in the series. Behind the scenes, producers are realistically hoping someone from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. isn’t too busy with other projects these days.

“Oh right, I’m in the MCU,” said Sam Rockwell when asked about his involvement in the show. “Who am I again? Do I play one of the Guardians of the Galaxy or something? I’m in Iron Man 2? Who do I play in Iron Man 2? I mean, if Disney’s paying, sure, I’ll reprise whatever that role is for the show. Did I die in that movie?”

The project currently has no director or screenwriter attached. Disney says that it just assumes Kevin Feige or the Russo Brothers will wander in one day and figure it out.

“It’s an unorthodox production process,” admitted Disney CEO Bob Chapek, “but I’m convinced it’ll be a huge success. If nobody shows up, we’ll just film an empty street and say it’s set during the aftermath of The Snap. Real experimental, gut wrenching stuff. A meditation on the emptiness of loss, I guess.”

Despite the fact that Disney has yet to even script an episode of the show, Twitter has already managed to spoil every plot detail about the first episode.

How I Learned to Love My Body by Hating Everyone Else’s

Posted on March 19, 2021 by Constantine Platanias

I hated my body for years. No matter how much I worked out or how many compliments I guilted my friends into giving me, I detested the way I looked. That all changed one day when I had an epiphany: love is relative. That means I don’t need to appreciate my disgusting body at all! Instead, I just had to hate everyone else’s bodies so much that, by comparison, I found my body irresistible. And it worked!

To be honest, it wasn’t all that hard. Most of you people are disgusting. But even if I have to look hard, I will find your flaws. Whether you’re skinny, fat, skinny-fat, short, tall, or tall-fat, there’s something gross about each and every one of you. Like my dad always used to say, “You’re ugly and nothing will ever change that.”

But he was wrong! About me, anyway. I used to hate going to the beach because I didn’t want to be seen in a bathing suit. No more! Now, thanks to my gold medal in mental gymnastics, I hate going because I have to look at all of you in bathing suits. Even if I don’t immediately see a flaw in your appearance, your existence becomes a reminder of my own flaws—like my big fat kidneys—and how dare you bring up my big fat kidneys!

Every time I start feeling insecure, I just open my window and look outside. Your inadequacies sustain me. There was a time when I envied people who loved their bodies. Now I envy the blind. Ugly is all I see. Disgust is all I feel. But at least I don’t have body image issues anymore.

Man With Shoebox Full of Camel Cash from the 90s Considers Self Cryptocurrency Investor

Posted on March 19, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

NORCROSS, Ga. — Local man Craig Barnett, who quit smoking in 1995, discovered a box yesterday filled with Camel cigarettes’s now-obsolete Camel Cash, prompting him to let everyone know he was getting into cryptocurrency, friends and family confirmed.

“I couldn’t believe it: I opened the lid to this old shoebox in my garage, and found basically my retirement fund staring me right in the face. Now that they don’t make these anymore, they must be worth a fortune,” Barnett said while trying to wipe the mold off of each slip of paper. “Now all I have to do is go online and get me some of them blockchains or NFTs. This is totally worth the 20 years of my life smoking took away from me. If you can sell a tweet, I’m sure I can sell these.”

Barnett’s wife Clara did her best to explain to him that the Camel Cash was worthless.

“You can’t even redeem it with Camel anymore,” she said. “I told him to collect Marlboro miles — they still accept those points. Before I quit smoking, I got myself a sweet Marlboro fleece, a Marlboro thermos, and a Marlboro windbreaker. Now he’s fussing about on the Internet with Bitcoins and Ethereum and he definitely doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. All he can do with them is burn them, maybe to light a cigarette. God, a cigarette sounds so good right now.”

Economist Cecelia Garcia, however, doesn’t see a problem with Barnett’s plan.

“Honestly, at this point, that Camel Cash might actually explode in value if enough suckers online think it’s worth something,” Garcia explained. “The fact that they’re called C-Notes already is in his favor; it sounds very techy and mysterious. All he has to do is hop onto Reddit under a few different usernames to spread some buzz around — he could easily make those smoke stained pieces of paper worth something.”

As of press time, Barnett was emailing the tech support person at his work to see if they can help him put the Camel Cash online.

Punk Survival Tip: How To Use Every Part of Cigarette

Posted on March 19, 2021 by Rebecca Acevedo

A person always has a razor-blade, piss, and a cigarette readily available, and whether you’re in the alley behind a bar or lost looking for a venue with an obscure door, you need to know how to utilize these tools.

As our crust-punk elders teach, it is a sin to waste any part of the cigarette. Here’s how to make the most out of that crushed loosey in your jean pocket.

Use Filters As Earplugs
Living at home with thin walls? Don’t want to hear your father telling your mother about how you need to move out? Use two filters as ear plugs and rest peacefully thinking your parents love having you home. Blissfully exist without hearing people cry because you’re not more like your brother.

Roll A Spliff
Cut the cigarette open for tobacco and use half for a spliff right now and save the other half to follow a spliff later. Cigarette meal planning saves money and stretches our resources.

Season Food
The ash is not the waste of the cigarette, it’s the seasoning. Sprinkling ash in a stew, on barbecue, or uncooked ramen gives it a nice smokey flavor. Impress your fellow punks with your culinary prowess and rich tobacco flavors.

Use The Paper To Write Lyrics
Cigarette paper can be used as a post-it note but without the sticky part. Crush up the ash to make pigment, mix it with water and with a feather pen you can write lyrics for a 2 minute song about what it was like in high school 12 years ago.

Stop Bleeding
Cigarette filters can be used to make feminine hygiene products. Scavenge for butts on the ground after a show and with enough filters make a tampon. Quadruple the number to create a panty liner.

Make Your Own Clothing
Pack a day smokers will have enough filters and paper byproduct over a year to make their own organic cigarette jacket. Use saliva-joined papers for the fabric and plenty of filters for insulation. It’s as warm as a fine down coat and WAY more hardcore then the army jacket you stole from that thrift store.

The next time you bum a cigarette off a stranger remember to thank Satan, for you can now understand the bounty he has given you.

Isolated Tribe Just Learning About Dimebag Darrell’s Death

Posted on March 19, 2021 by Laura McCarthy

TRØNDELAG COUNTY, Norway — News of departed Pantera guitarist “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott’s 2004 death just reached the isolated Kjårn tribe deep in the cold and remote fjords of Norway’s Trøndelag county, local fishmongers confirmed.

“I didn’t want to, but I had to break the news today that Dimebag Darrell was thrashing in the great beyond,” merchant Peder Nilsen said of his annual visit to the Kjårn tribe via rowboat to trade salt for boiled codfish. “They were devastated. I had only just informed them last year about Pantera’s 2003 breakup, and I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything about the Phil Anselmo bullshit. Their wounds were still too fresh, and I think it would have been too much grief for the average person to handle all at once.”

The people of the isolated tribe have reportedly been hardcore metalheads since finding Pantera’s 1992 album “Vulgar Display of Power” washed ashore in a trunk along with a boom box, sometime around the turn of the millennium.

“Every spring when I would bring berries to trade for salmon, the mind-melting cacophony of either ‘Walk’ or ‘Fucking Hostile’ would be practically blasting away their juledyrhusen,” said barterer Knut Andersen, of the Pantera music rattling the reindeer hides and wooden poles of the Kjårn’s tipi-like homes. “They love it heavy and loud, especially when they’re pickling a herring, drying a whitefish, or even flogging a mackerel to death. So essentially, at all times of day.”

Though the tribe understands that Dimebag Darrell is gone, the Kjårn’s unfamiliarity with the concept of firearms has left them confused over the details of his murder.

“Despite being from the birthplace of black metal, the only metal the stone-aged Kjårn know of is the sick and brutal onslaught of sound that Pantera epitomizes,” said cultural anthropologist Elin Haugen of the University of Oslo. “This fish-based society doesn’t have guns. But they do have Gods, and to them, Dimebag Darrell’s riffs made him a god among men. As all gods have their antagonists, the deranged fan who murdered Mr. Dimebag was likened to this archetype, and will be demonized in the tales their children will pass down to their children for years to come.”

Plans to send four wooden barrels of salted haddock to Dimebag’s widow are in the works for as soon as next spawning season.

Opinion: The MCU Needs Some Sort of Funny English Character Whose Name is Mr. Bean

Posted on March 18, 2021 by Camden Brazile

It’s no secret that the Marvel Cinematic Universe is running out of good characters. Moon Knight? Shang-Chi? Professor X? Who even are these people? Everyone who watches these movies and shows sees how clear it is that Marvel needs a new heavy-hitter to bring this failing franchise back from life support. Maybe a black woman as a hero? Perhaps a Latina or LGBT villain? Or even, I mean, just a crazy pitch off the top of my head, a funny, English guy named Mr. Bean?

Now, I’m just spit-balling here, but personally I think that third option is definitely without question the way to go.

Marvel says they care about representation in the MCU, but where is the representation for the clumsy? Not once have we seen a Marvel hero slip on a banana peel, or commit some social faux pas at a restaurant. Comic fans were ecstatic about what Captain Marvel contributed to the superhero genre, but I can’t help but feel they missed a huge opportunity by not having her make a funny face while a lobster pinched her on the ass. I’m not even married to the idea of this hypothetical Mr. Bean being a hero. I think a villain would do just as well. Again, this is all off the top of my head.

And before any of you diehard fanboys run to the comments to complain, let me paint you a picture. As the credits roll on Black Panther 2, suddenly the screen builds anticipation as Alan Silvestri’s Avengers score swells, when suddenly the arms of a tweed suit clasp over the legendary Infinity Gauntlet. I can practically hear the standing ovations of audiences everywhere as we speak.

You get the idea. Get creative with it. Make the character your own. All I ask is that you make him a clumsy, funny Englishman, and that you name him — and this is important — Mr. Bean. I’m an actor, so I have a really good sense of what works and doesn’t work in the film industry. I can say without a doubt that this idea would work. People would lose their shit over it, I’m sure.

Marvel, don’t do it for me, do it for the children. I think everything you’ve built will be worth it if just one uncoordinated British child stares up at that screen and feels like they matter. For casting inquiries, please contact my agents, or honestly just call me. I’m not busy.

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