Man Learns Japanese So He Can Watch Kurosawa Movies Without Having to Look Up From Phone

Posted on March 18, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Self-described “cinema aficionado” Kevin Clifford has spent the past several months becoming fluent in Japanese in order to “watch” Kurosawa movies while scrolling through his phone, impressed sources confirmed.

“When you’re an active intellectual like myself, multitasking is key. So now that I speak Japanese, I can absorb a Kurosawa movie while sending emails, Facebook stalking my crush, or posting hot takes on Twitter,” noted Clifford. “It’s been pretty great so far… although I think there’s something off with the dialect the actors are using. And the dialogue seems to be really sparse, and keeps referring to events I can’t quite pick up on. Also, why are there these extended periods of zero dialogue? Not really sure why critics hold this guy in such high regard. I mean, he’s clearly no Todd Phillips.”

Clifford’s friend Rich Brooks joined for the first movie since Clifford became fluent.

“He won’t shut the fuck up about how he has ‘an ear for languages,’ so I guess that’s why he invited me over to watch ‘Ran’ — to show off that he kind of knows Japanese now,” Brooks remarked while smoking his fourth cigarette in 20 minutes. “He kept asking me to explain scenes, so I told him to just put the phone down and watch the movie, since visuals are a huge component of Kurosawa’s work, to which he reminded me that he took a film course at Oberlin and I only went to state school. When I mentioned that I’d seen this one several times and he failed his class, he shushed me because he was writing something about the scene on Reddit.”

Clifford’s wildly incorrect takes did not go unnoticed by his fellow Redditors.

“God, get a load of this fucking weeb,” said Redditor Angela Scott. “When this jackass isn’t offering overwrought opinions that have already been said dozens of times, he’s completely missing the point. And if you try to point out how wrong he is, he claims that he speaks fluent Japanese so he ‘gets’ Kurosawa more than we ever could. Then, he tried to correct me when I pointed out Kurosawa didn’t direct ‘Tokyo Story.’”

Sources say Clifford is now learning Korean so he can correct Bong Joon Ho’s interpretation of “Snowpiercer.”

Millennial Couple Takes Out Second Mortgage on Houseplant

Posted on March 18, 2021 by James Knapp

AUSTIN, Texas — Local 20-somethings Ashton Knoll and Kevin Stohl were approved yesterday for a second mortgage on their fiddle leaf fig tree, which the couple plans to invest in yet another overpriced houseplant, green-thumbed sources confirmed.

“We weren’t originally planning to take out another mortgage this year, but when I saw that white and green variegated monstera in the background of @PantslessPlantMom’s Instagram story, I just knew it was exactly what we needed to complete our apartment decor,” said Knoll while browsing planter pots shaped like pugs on Amazon. “I know it’s a risky investment, but I’m so excited to post tri-daily updates about new leaves unfurling and the plant’s opinions on Cardi B. Who needs a bed frame when you’ve got prohibitively expensive foliage to keep you cozy?”

However, Stohl is concerned by the couple’s financial standing.

“Money’s always been pretty tight for [Ashton] and I. Sometimes I don’t know where it all goes,” remarked Stohl, sitting in the couple’s studio apartment next to their vintage pogs collection. “We already maxed out our credit cards buying a fur coat for our cat, and I spent my entire inheritance on that rainbow roller skating bar crawl through downtown Austin. Man, the cost of living in this city has really gotten crazy.”

Mortgage broker Al Ronco explained how the current financial climate can influence millennial spending habits.

“A lot of millennials can’t afford any actual property, so they use whatever assets they have to finance other purchases. We’ve had people take out mortgages on single speed bicycles and box set DVDs of ‘The Office.’ One couple took out a mortgage on their landlord’s truck to pay for an in-ground pool table,” said Ronco. “Personally, a lot of it seems pretty pointless and needlessly extravagant. But hell, with interest rates this high, I’ll be able to afford a third boat now. Thanks, suckers! ”

At press time, the couple was shopping for locally sourced, organic, cruelty-free potting soil blends on Etsy while also researching the going rates for selling blood plasma.

Review: We Decide to Finally Give This Whole “Sex” Thing a Try

Posted on March 18, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

Here at The Hard Times, we get a lot of questions from our readers asking for advice. While we’re happy to oblige, there are some topics we do not feel experienced enough to touch upon. In an effort to connect more with our audience, and expand our worldview in the process, we decided to finally try out some good ol’ sex.

Our review: It was icky and we’re never, ever doing it again. Don’t do sex. It’s just awful. It’s like shaking hands but with your whole body. Yuck. Regardless, a good publication seeks to share the truth so we’re taking you through all the sticky, squirmy details.

The number one thing we remember reading about sex was that protection is the top priority. But what we wish we remember reading was how bad condoms smell. And that’s BEFORE you put ’em where cooties come from. We’ve always hated the feeling of wearing rubber gloves and this is like wearing a rubber glove on your… well, you know. Actually, wait. Do you know? If so please tell us. We really wanna know if we did it right.

We also read an article about “foreplay” which we actually knew a little about seeing as were huge Boston fans. Okay, so get this. Apparently, before they even get the sex over with, some people will use their tounges to—oh God I might puke—lick each other. LIKE THEY’RE FOOD. Look, I’m a fan of licking stuff as much as the next guy. Popsicles, hot dogs, fleshlights- all acceptable options for tongue-basting. But if you told me when I was 8 that one day someone would expect me to lick their pee-pee poo-poo parts, I’d tell you exactly what I’m telling you now: Fucking GROSS.

Fortunately, our partner who we agreed to try sex on was understanding. So after making sure my genitals were sufficiently washed and even more sufficiently dried, we commenced with insertion. Which was kind of a waste considering it just got all wet anyway. Which we can admit was absolutely our second favorite part. We were shocked, however, by how wet EVERYTHING got. Our face in particular.

Our experience may have been a sticky nightmare, but at least now we can confidently look our friends, family, and coworkers in the eye and proudly proclaim that we have officially tried sex. And like anyone who’s tried sex, we can tell you it’s just as icky as our teenage neighbor told us it was right before he let us borrow his dad’s blow-up doll.

Report: Everyone Still Secretly Listening to Canceled Artist

Posted on March 18, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

BOSTON — A study by researchers at MIT has found that nearly every person who has publicly denounced a canceled artist continues to listen to them when not around others.

“Contemporary social media culture has allowed a generation of slackers to pretend to be activists without doing any of the actual work involved with activism — case in point, performative statements about canceled musicians,” noted MIT scientist Dr. Lisa Olamo. “It’s not uncommon for people to get boxed into a corner when an artist they enjoy falls into the ‘canceled’ category. Since many of them hold no real firm convictions beyond attention-seeking behavior, they often resort to extreme measures to continue enjoying the music discreetly. And by ‘they,’ I mean every single person.”

Conversations with active, online music fans confirmed the MIT findings.

“Just because I like their music doesn’t mean I condone what they did. And I certainly wouldn’t buy any new content from them, but they’re a staple of my collection and I can’t just undo that,” remarked Sarah M., who asked that her last name be withheld out of fear of retaliation. “Nowadays, when I want to listen to them, I put my phone on airplane mode, drive three or four hours out of town to the parking lot of this abandoned strip mall, and pop them on my discman so there’s no digital trail. The only downside is since it’s usually at night, my partner suspects I’m having an affair… which I guess is easier to deal with than defending myself against people I don’t know on Twitter.”

Recently canceled artists expertly avoided taking a stand or making an apology.

“Whatever happened to due process, huh? Just because a dozen complete strangers come out of the woodwork with seemingly the exact same set of circumstances, you’re going to believe them?” said recently “canceled” noise artist Jamie “JK” Kimball. “It’s this fake woke, performative, cultural Marxist shit that inhibits artists like me from realizing our vision and forcing us out — just like what happened during the Holocaust for simply liking an album.”

As part of the study, notable canceled musician Avi Buffalo was disappointed to learn that no one really listened to him in the first place.

Review: The ‘Snyder Cut’ Is Whatever We Already Decided About It Before It Came Out

Posted on March 17, 2021 by Giovanni Colantonio

The wait is finally over. Zack Snyder’s long-anticipated redo of 2018’s Justice League, dubbed the “Snyder Cut,” is finally out on HBO Max. After watching through the entire four hour film, we can now confidently say that the superhero epic is everything we already decided it would be years ago.

The film follows the titular Justice League as they go to war with the evil Steppenwolf. The villain himself has been totally transformed here, which initially drew both praise and mockery alike in early images. No matter which side you fell on in that debate, it’s safe to say you’ll walk out of the film with the exact same opinion you walked in with, because it’s too late to admit you were wrong at this point.

Aside from the villain, fans will immediately feel the difference between the original film and the new version. Those who don’t enjoy Snyder’s signature brand of darkness will be turned off before they even turn on their TV to see what it looks like. Meanwhile, those who unabashedly love the director’s work will cheer regardless of what is happening on screen.

One of the main issues with the film, however, is that it’s a big budget superhero movie. That’s sure to be a polarizing factor for audiences. If you’re a cinephile who thinks that superhero movies are ruining the sanctity of Hollywood, don’t expect this to change your mind. Even if you kind of like it, you won’t admit it since it would run contrary to your tweets about the film from 2019.

The good news is that the Snyder Cut truly delivers a masterpiece for people who have been hailing it as a masterpiece long before it existed. It has everything a dedicated fan could possibly want: four hours worth of images that play out one after another and culminate in Zack Snyder’s name appearing on the end credits. That’s sure to fully satisfy diehards regardless of quality.

At the end of the day, watching the Snyder Cut is like voting: you can’t complain if you don’t engage. So tune in this weekend to reaffirm your beliefs that won’t change no matter how good or bad it is.

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Opinion: It’s Technically Only Mad Dog 20/20 if It’s From the Mad Dog Region of France

Posted on March 17, 2021 by Rob Walker

Listen, I’m not usually one to get snobby about alcohol but after years of refining my palette in the finest bus stations and public restrooms throughout Europe, I really must tell you that it’s technically only Mad Dog 20/20 if it’s from the Mad Dog Region of France.

What’s that? You’ve never heard of the Mad Dog region of France? I’m not surprised. The Chien Enragé region is a small hamlet in southern France and the villagers who live there are all extremely secretive about their wine-making process.

The Mad Dog vintners spend a tough growing season every year cultivating fields strawberry kiwis, buck bunny licorice, and banana reds. Since 1984, these villagers have perfected their product using only flavors specific to the region and can be found in no other wine in France or abroad.

Alright, Bill Nye, I can see I’m dealing with a wine novice here. Yes, most wines are made with grapes. Your top-shelf screw-tops like Thunderbird and Boone’s Farm all use grapes in their creation. But I’ll tell you something most sommeliers won’t, any asshole can make grape wine. You want a real challenge, make a bottle of wine out of a key lime pie and then get back to me.

Unlike those other wines, Mad Dog 20/20 is fermented with a bukake of fruits only grown in the Chien Enragé. Exotic plants such as electric melons and blue raspberries are then settled in oaken barrels and sealed with Vicks Vaporub to offset the naturally sweet nectar within. You won’t find Wild Irish Rose going that extra mile!

Really the soil is what it comes down too, you just can’t replicate it anywhere on earth. The dirt of Chien Enragé region is rich with limestone, cigarette butts and meth lab explosion debris, all of which contribute to the fruit’s flavor profile in subtle but invaluable ways.

All I’m saying is most liquor store guys don’t really know their stock, and if you’re choosing a wine for your last-minute wedding or your suicide pact, make sure that you know what you’re getting. By the way, can I borrow five bucks and a cigarette? Menthol is fine.

Roommate Insisting on Wearing Leprechaun Costume to Drink Alone in Room

Posted on March 17, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local man Shaun Clemens is reportedly planning to spend St. Patrick’s Day in his usual leprechaun costume, drinking alone in his room this year instead of celebrating in public during the pandemic.

“Paddy’s Day is my cultural heritage, and this leprechaun costume is how I express it,” said Clemens, opening a beer from the case of Guinness he purchased to consume by himself in his room, along with two bottles of Jameson whiskey. “My great-great-great grandfather came over from Ireland on the boat, I think, and this shit is part of my family. I’m not an idiot, and I won’t go to some fucking superspreader event, but there’s no way Covid can keep the Irish down. The English didn’t. The Famine didn’t. And the fucking pandemic won’t.”

However, Clemens’ roommate Justin Core had some concerns.

“I mean, I get that it’s important to him… though he doesn’t really bring up being Irish otherwise. Mostly he’s a pretty chill dude, but the costume itself is actually pretty worrying. It looks pretty expensive — like, that jacket covered in green shamrocks might actually be bespoke, but the top hat is definitely custom-made,” said Core. “I really just don’t think it’s healthy that he’s been applying spirit gum to his face to patch on that big, fake red beard for the last hour. And he hasn’t even offered me a beer.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Peter Martin was unsurprised.

“What Shaun is going through is sadly very typical right now,” said Dr. Martin. “With no expression for their one-time-a-year, wildly extroverted sense of stereotypical pride, Irish-Americans are going through a very hard time. Their inability to dress up as cartoon versions of their mythology has been curtailed, and honestly, it’s people like Shaun hit the hardest. Which is to say, dudes who are way, way too into being Irish.”

Planning ahead, Clemens reportedly called his local dry cleaner to get estimates for grooming the giant tree costume he plans on wearing while drinking alone in his room for Arbor Day.

Opinion: If Dropkick Murphy Sees His Shadow, That Means 6 More Weeks of Drinking

Posted on March 17, 2021 by Wilson Conkwright

Traditions can eat a dick. They’re always accompanied by violent cultural baggage or a devastating family memory involving my Aunt. However, a few years back, a lone Irish bastard appeared from out of the bar men’s room and showed me the ways of the one tradition I do uphold. Every St. Patrick’s Day, I wait for him to come out of his bathroom stall and, if he sees his shadow, that means six more weeks of getting plastered. That man’s name is Dropkick Murphy.

This tradition is the fuckin’ tits. Every St. Paddy’s, I head down to O’Murphys Pub in Little Ireland. I drink green beer all day in anticipation for when the fabled Dropkick Murphy will emerge from his bathroom stall. And trust me, he always does.

It started one St. Patrick’s Day many years ago. I was either two or three flasks of Jameson deep. The memory is hazy because of how long it’s been. All of a sudden, the men’s room door burst open, and out stepped a punk dressed in the most bedazzled leather jacket I’d ever seen. It was covered entirely in green plaid for the occasion.

The visage lumbered over near where I was stationed at the bar and came to a halt as the bartender asked, “what’ll ya have?” The man stumbled around in place a bit before noticing his shadow draped across the mahogany bar top. In an instant, he declared six more weeks of drinking and ordered a round of shots for the bar before retreating to his porcelain god without paying.

I think everyone should start implementing this beautiful tradition into their annual StP-Day festivities. Who wouldn’t love a month and a half of Jameson for breakfast, fighting a stranger for lunch, and spewing shamrock shake into a dive bar’s shit-splattered toilet for dinner? I know I do.

Sure, if this tradition went six months we’d all be dead. But six weeks? That’s the perfect amount of time to wreak havoc on every aspect of our lives without ruining them forever. It’s like edging, but with your life.

We should get all our friends in on this tradition. The worst they can say is no. Actually, the worst they can do is stage an intervention. Trust me. But if we get them into this “tradition,” at the end of the day they’ll have to forgive us because this bender was mandated by a force greater than all of us: Alcoholism. Just kidding! That’s a classic St. Patrick’s Day joke. I am, of course, referring to Dropkick Murphy, the lord of St. Patrick’s Day or whatever.

So c’mon and join the fun! Say “fuck it” and take a shot! No one said we had to wait for Dropkick Murphy to see his shadow to start drinking. Honestly, I’m gonna keep this bender going even care if he doesn’t see it. This is still a great way to pregame Cinco de Mayo.

Irish-American Punk Band Not Very Forthcoming With DNA Results

Posted on March 17, 2021 by Ryan Danley

PHILADELPHIA — Local Irish-themed punk rock band The Drunken Fighting Lads are being suspiciously protective of the ethnic background results they received in a recent round of novelty DNA tests, sources report.

“We thought it’d be fun to get some of those 23 Ancestor things to prove to the people of Philly that we are so Irish we bleed Guinness and shit boiled potatoes. But my results must have, uhh… got lost in the mail or something. Mail ain’t the same since the Irish quit delivering it,” said lead vocalist Daniel “Danny Boy O‘Murphy” Muroski. “And the other guys must have their tests compromised — our drummer’s came back saying he’s 70% Slovakian with no connection to Ireland, but if you saw that guy drink and fight you would know he’s 100% Irish. Nobody from Eastern Europe could pull that off.”

While the band has consistently stood by their explanation, band supporter and local Irish aficionado Paul “Paddy” Schmidt is worried a larger conspiracy may be at work.

“When I saw the Lads were not coming forward with their papers, I wondered if they were being truthful about their heritage… but then I remembered the show when they broke out that amazing version of that one Pogues song, and I knew in my heart these guys were as Irish as repressed emotions,” said Schmidt from a barstool at Shamrock’s Sports Bar and Grill and Pizza Buffet. “You know the world is real prejudiced against the Irish? My guess is those DNA companies purposely mess things up to stop us from coming together and ruling the world. By the way, can I get a ride home?”

While the mystery surrounding the band’s ancestral history may never be answered, experts have seen a sharp uptick in people shielding their DNA results from the public.

“Ancestral bloodlines have many reasons to be concealed. I mean, imagine you find out you’re part Italian, and then you’re expected to be able to prepare some cacciucco for a bunch of sweaty goons down at the Rotary Club. Or, God forbid, you’re related to a Finn. A sneaky, thieving Finn is the worst,” said Seamus O’Malley, President of the American Genealogy Department at Stanford. “Plus, most of those tests are faulty anyways. The one that I took came back almost completely Irish, and everyone knows my great-grandfather married a Native American.”

Muroski was unavailable for further comment, as he was walking with his grandmother in the Polish day parade.

Man Gets 4 Episodes Into WandaVision Before Realizing He’s Actually Watching Frasier

Posted on March 16, 2021 by Naomi Krause

MADISON, Wisc. — Local Marvel fan and notorious dumbass Bailey Lynch was reportedly bamboozled into watching multiple episodes of 1993’s Fraiser under the false assumption that he was catching up on WandaVision.

“I was really into the cooky sitcom vibe and deep characterization,” said Lynch. “I kept noticing Easter eggs in the background, like how there was a spooky book in a bunch of scenes I was convinced was the Darkhold. Then I realized it was just a book on mental disorders, which still seemed pretty relevant to what I’ve heard people say about Wanda.”

Despite the signs that he was in fact watching a popular NBC sitcom from a bygone era, Lynch kept watching, and ended up getting “pretty into it.”

“My friends have been constantly mentioning how Wanda needs therapy, and this show has like fifteen therapists, so I assumed I was right on the ball,” said Lynch. “There was this scene where Fraiser was listening to a caller talk to a guy about their unhealthy relationship issues, and that hit me really hard. I thought it was the deepest line in the entire MCU.”

When pressed further on how it was possible to mix up the two shows for so long, Lynch grew somewhat combative.

“Listen, I’ve been so fucking bored during quarantine that my brain has started shutting down. I saw a goofy sitcom about a kinda bald guy with relationship issues up on the TV and it all synced up,” said Lynch. “Cut me some slack, okay?”

Pulling from personal knowledge and lore deep dives, Lynch was able to fit many of the details from Fraiser into the larger Marvel universe.

“There were outdated commercials for Cialis that I was certain were symbolic of the Mind Stone, or the Space Stone, maybe the Nexus of all Realities?” Lynch says. “I thought the length of commercials was a little silly, and it was weird how so many of them mentioned the Twin Towers, but I’m a huge Tim and Eric fan so I figured it was all part of the experience.”

Lynch confirmed he recently started bingeing the real WandaVision, but was sort of lost on why it’s all animated.

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