Girlboss? This Bad Bitch Finished a Whole Tube of Chapstick Without Losing It

Posted on March 16, 2021 by Heather Cook

We stan a queen that can achieve the impossible. A bad bitch who can pull off a miracle. A girlboss who can accomplish the Herculean task of making it through an entire tube of ChapStick without losing it.

Sure, this 27-year-old may not know how to open a bank account and she doesn’t “do technology,” but she finally saw the end of her cherry lip balm without losing it. This bonafide girlboss who can keep her lips moisturized for longer than two weeks without having to re-stock is in a league of legends on par with Frida Kahlo and Betty White.

She used to be like us regular people until she demonstrated perseverance within her that we will never be able to recreate. Like Excaliber being pulled from that rock or whatever, this girl was dubbed girlboss upon pulling that chapstick out of her clutch only to discover that it was empty.

It wasn’t easy to get here. On darker days, she would find herself making yet another midnight run to CVS to get her fix of Lip Smackers. When money was tight, she’d be on all fours searching under her dresser, screaming conspiracies about disappearing lip balm. Friends became alarmed whenever she brought up how Burt’s Bees was an inside job.

But now? This future CEO has cracked the ChapStick code and is about to gradually unswivel the glass ceiling!

If she can remember to keep her ChapStick in a designated spot in her car’s center console, then what can’t this femme warrior do? Will she be able to figure out why one of her socks always disappears whenever she does laundry? Will she finally learn how to hang a picture frame? There’s no telling how bright her future will be, but one thing is for certain, this girlboss is going places and she won’t have to borrow shit if she has dry lips when she gets there.

37-Year-Old Surprised How Susceptible to Peer Pressure He Is

Posted on March 16, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

WALDORF, Md. — Otherwise well-adjusted 37-year-old adult Sean Collier realized yesterday that he still folds under the slightest peer pressure despite being decades removed from adolescence.

“Every year at family gatherings, we do this football game that I hate playing, so on the drive up, I told myself this was the year I was saying ‘no,” a dejected Collier stated. “I told my cousins that I didn’t feel like playing, I never do much when I do, and I’m always sore the day after… but then one of them starts calling me a pussy, and another starts doing this passive-aggressive speech about how even my 11-year-old cousin Katie is playing. I thought I matured past this phase of my life, but I caved like the fucking spineless cuck I am. It’s truly unbelievable how effective that chicken noise is.”

Relatives of the college graduate confirmed that they know how to “break” Collier.

“I’m just amazed how quickly he backed down,” noted cousin Blake Riordan. “We’re the same age and grew up together, so I can get inside his head a little bit if need be. Last year, he wore non-athletic shoes to get out of playing, so this year, I had an extra pair of sneakers in case he tried to pull that shit again. But if that didn’t work, we’d just start referring to him by his childhood nickname or bringing up that time he wet his pants at my ninth birthday party. Nobody actually wants him to play; we just needed to even the teams.”

Experts note that despite reaching maturity and adulthood, social gatherings that involve parties with long relationships are still ripe for destroying any independence or confidence.

“In most cases, I think Collier would’ve easily told them to fuck off and gone back inside to drink himself into a stupor like he planned to,” said psychologist Susan Winthrop. “In this instance, the closeness of the relationship and his long history with them makes it difficult, as they are privy to information and character traits Collier might otherwise keep close to the chest. That said, I can’t really fathom why he’s so concerned about the insults of people he only sees twice a year.”

At press time, Collier’s uncles were yelling at him to “walk it off” after he tore his ACL.

We Sat Down With First Wave Emo Pioneer Tom From Myspace

Posted on March 16, 2021 by Ted Pillow

Emo kids, unite! Old school emos only. So if you were there from the start, come on and pull on those skinny jeans, swoop your bangs over your eyes, and tell your mom to get the fuck out of your room, because we had the privilege of interviewing Tom Anderson, the co-founder of Myspace and the sole founder of emo music.

The first wave of emo lasted from 2002 to whenever my school got Facebook. It’s known for dyed-black hair, top 8s, and, of course, a man named Tom. A man who may be smiling in his iconic picture, but his eyes express angst more intense than any stick-thin pretty-boy can sing/scream.

The Hard Times: This is such an honor. First of all, and we’re sure you get this a lot; thank you for inventing first wave emo.

Tom: Yes, I do get that a lot. I loved that era but I hate what emo’s become. First wave emo, real emo, was cool and hip. Sure, it didn’t last super long and never managed to successfully monetize, but people still talk about it and I consider that to be the pinnacle of success.

Damn true. Music sucked before you. Everybody listened to totally lame boy bands and Britney Spears and shit. Is that why you invented emo?

Actually, let me actually stop you right there. Sure, I like early emo. And yeah, Myspace is definitely associated with “scene kids.” But in no way, shape, or form did I invent emo music. I’m not even a musician.

And humble, too! We’ll never forget the first time we heard emo on Myspace. We had no idea that music could be so personal, so raw, so vowel-less. We’re sure you know what quintessential first wave emo band we’re referring to, but thank you for introducing us to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

That is not at all who I was expecting. They’re not really even-

As you know, Almighty Creator of The First Wave, emo emerged from the hardcore punk scene. Are Fall Out Boy part of the first wave emo canon? Or are they too much of a “hardcore” band to really count?

Fall Out Boy? Don’t they just write the music for when NHL games go to commercial break?

Researching for this interview, we found claims that some band called Rites of Spring was the original emo band. But they didn’t even wear guyliner. What the fuck?

I knew this was a bad idea when I saw your email signature was lyrics to a 3OH!3 song.

Punk’s Mouth Was Actually Bleeding Before Fight Started

Posted on March 16, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

WORCESTER, Mass. — Local punk Britney Callahan assured onlookers moments ago that despite the rather violent scuffle she was involved in outside the Walter’s Bar earlier this evening, her mouth had begun bleeding long before.

“Everyone kept coming up to me after the fight and asking if I was OK. Of course I’m OK; I whipped that little chode’s ass,” said Callahan. “Yeah, my mouth was bleeding profusely, but it’s because I ate a sandwich with some extra salt and that fucks me up. Plus, my mouth and gums tend to bleed like, every other day or so… along with my hands, sometimes. So, no big deal.”

While fight loser Mike Donaghy’s pride was hurt, he seemed more unnerved by the potential sanitary and hygiene issues involved.

“First of all, she jumped me from behind, so I want to get that on record. But really, her random, inexplicable bleeding is fucking gross. What the fuck?” exclaimed a disgusted Donaghy. “I guess some of this blood is mine, but if she got some of her’s on me… shit, she was definitely screaming in my face about talking during her set, so now I’m freaking out about what if I get, like, hepatitis or tuberculosis or something. She’s over there chain-smoking now and not even cleaning herself up or anything. That’s got to be a health code violation, right?”

Callahan’s friends noted that both her perpetual bleeding and dismissal were chronic.

“I’m glad Britney’s not hurt, but she should probably get that checked out,” said venue manager Terri Murphy. “That’s generally a sign of gingivitis, right? Or maybe an ulcer? Whatever it is, I’d think if my mouth was gushing blood on a regular basis, I’d be going to the free clinic. I know Brit doesn’t have health or dental insurance right now, but she can’t just let this fall by the wayside. I’m sure we could put together a GoFundMe or something to cover expenses, or she could just not pay her medical bill and let it reset after seven years or whatever that rule is.”

For her part, while Callahan is grateful for the concern, her top priority is reportedly the gash on her knee that is beginning to smell like cheese.

FCC Recommends Downloading Three Large Files a Day to Keep Internet Connection Healthy and Regular

Posted on March 15, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — In an effort to bolster the strength of the nation’s internet infrastructure, Acting FCC Chairwoman Jessica Rosenworcel issued a statement Monday advising all Americans to download three large files every day to keep their internet connections healthy and regular.

“Internet health is a serious responsibility that all of us need to take into our own hands,” said Rosenworcel, presenting a slideshow outlining the correlation between irregular file downloads and long-term internet connectivity issues. “Bad downloading habits early in life can lead to slow speeds, spotty WiFi, and even total router failure later on. That’s why it’s important to download three large files every day at breakfast, lunch and dinner time.”

Reactions to the announcement online were generally surprised, but many users say that it has made them more conscious of their internet health moving forward.

“I could definitely form some healthier downloading habits,” said one Reddit user in a pinned post responding to the announcement. “Sometimes I’ll binge-download a bunch of files late at night and my internet connection is all sluggish the next morning. It’s also almost entirely music and movies that I’m downloading, but I’d probably be doing myself some favors down the line if I threw a spreadsheet in there every once in a while. Starting tomorrow, I’m turning over a new leaf!”

At press time, experts were comparing and contrasting Rosenworcel’s recommendations with downloading habits in Europe, where many internet users substitute three large files a day with smaller file downloads throughout the day.

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Nü-Metal Band Struggles to Find Butthole Pun Good Enough to Use as Album Title

Posted on March 15, 2021 by Ramona Apthorp

AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Local nü-metal band Hog Washer can’t decide which of the countless butthole puns they thought of over the last six months would best capture their essence and serve as the title of their debut album, sources close to the band consisting entirely of adults confirmed.

“I know we need a good butthole joke in the title, but none of them have that certain ‘something’ we’re looking for, ya know?” said Hog Washer lead singer Joseph Bongino. “The little sun, twisted balloon knot, sarlacc mouth, hotdog maker, gas mouth, the end of the tummy oven, round peg, the dirty hole… none of these are good enough. I’m gonna sound like a broken record, but they just don’t have the zaz! We all laughed when our guitarist pitched ‘the cocoa stink hole,’ but it’s not right for us.”

Hog Washer bassist Mark Billingsly disagreed, declining to hop on the butthole train.

“I just think it’s played out and gross. Nü-metal has evolved, and we need to evolve with it,” explained a disgruntled Billingsly. “This genre is so much more than cheap butthole jokes — it’s so much more than dookie shoot, stomach acid sausage casing, pineapple cross section, or the ‘hole nine yards. OK… well, actually, the ‘hole nine yards is pretty funny. I should text that to Joe.”

Former Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst, however, endorsed the need for the pun.

“You gotta have a butthole pun in there. No doubt about it, that shit is important. That’s the heart of the genre, my guy,” said Durst while waiving about his own journal full of butthole jokes he’s thought of since the turn of the century. “I truly believe that you aren’t really nü-metal if you don’t have at least one album that’s a fart box pun. For ass sake, I even sneak them into my movies now, except I have to be a little more sneaky about it since I’m now a bigshot director. You know I worked with Travolta, right?”

Sources say Hog Washer is approaching a compromise, and will likely go with the classier alternative of an old fashioned dick reference.

“So, I Did a Thing,” Writes Millennial Serial Killer in Letter to Police

Posted on March 15, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — An alleged serial killer and millennial is taunting LAPD and terrorizing the city through a series of deranged, emoji-laden letters, angry and confused boomer sources confirmed.

“A body surrounded by empty La Croix cans was found in Griffith Park with the words, ‘sorry not sorry’ carved into the torso. Several days after this discovery, local police had received a letter written entirely in so-called ‘doggo speak’ taking credit for this killing, as well as several other ‘heckin’’ unsolved murders,” explained LAPD Cpt. A.J. Robinson in a press conference. “We believe that the perpetrator is a white male between the ages of 25 and 40 years old and a huge fan of ‘Garden State,’ or at least, the ‘Garden State’ soundtrack. We also believe he may have played a part in the killing of restaurants, cable TV, and the paper napkin industry.”

True crime enthusiast Elysia Metcalfe is frustrated by this new killer’s style.

“Gacy, Gein, Holmes… you know what those guys all had in common? Class. These entitled millennial psychos are just plain obnoxious,” said Metcalfe. “They just don’t make heinous sociopaths like they used to. And the way this serial killer wrote, ‘I did a thing’ in his letter to the police… ugh. If you want to brag about your ritualistic murders, just do it. Stop with the faux-modesty bullshit.”

Recently caught Gen-X serial killer “The Biloxi Bludgeoner,” Terry Jay White, aided police by sharing his experience working with millennials.

“I once had a millennial as an apprentice, but needless to say, it did not work out,” said White. “First night in the van, he immediately asked me about vacation time. Then he was too lazy to help get the victim in the car, and then he expected he’d get to handle the machete. I strangled him right then and there with his own infinity scarf.”

Based on his most recent letter, police now believe the killer may have scored a sponsorship deal with frequent podcast advertiser Leesa Mattress.

Opinion: All These Tables Need to Move Against That Wall

Posted on March 15, 2021 by Collin Canning

The world is changing and the local music scene is no different. People are bringing politics into everything, every band has opinions they’re cramming down our throats, and shows are more about the Instagram pics than the music. One thing remains constant however, and that’s the fact that all these tables gotta move up against that wall.

Right now. Get a move on! If your shitty band wants to play my limited capacity bar you’re gonna have to move them. NOW.

Punk music today is a fucking joke. Bunch of pansy SJW’s getting triggered over fucking nothing if ya ask me. People need to grow a thicker skin, buck up, and grab the other end of this table cause we gotta fold the legs in and stick it over there.

The kids gotta dance. That’ll never change. And to make that happen we gotta move ALL THIS SHIT here, to somewhere over there. So grab a corner, sweetheart, or back the fuck up and let the real men handle this. Wait, don’t back up! You were supposed to choose the first one.

God, I remember back when this scene started. Back in our day we knew how to mosh properly. We knew how to throw down with the hillbillies that came to kick our asses every night. And we knew for damn sure that all these fucking tables gotta go up against that fucking wall.

This goes for non-punk shows too. How many times have you walked into some hipster-ass cafe serving up pumpkin spice bullshit while some dumbwad strums away on an acoustic guitar without even having a decent amount of clear floor space for people to throw elbows? Do people at acoustic shows not mosh or something?! Seriously somebody tell me. I’ve never been to one.

Don’t sit there crying, saying, “Our merch is under there!” that’s just life. You can’t stand in the way of progress, especially when it’s carrying a six foot fold up table to the corner of this shithole so you can enjoy your precious little hardcore show. Like my dad always said, “I don’t care if it’s those tables or you, but somethings getting shoved against that wall.”

Punk Teens Ditch Zoom Class to Smoke Cigarettes Behind Their Laptops

Posted on March 15, 2021 by Aviva Siegel

VACAVILLE, Calif. — Punk teens and local high school students Bri Chambers and Daniel Hernandez ditched their Zoom classes late yesterday morning to smoke cigarettes behind their laptops.

“When school was happening in person, I would typically smoke behind the gym or near the bleachers with my friends, but that’s unfortunately not an option anymore,” said Millbridge High sophomore Chambers after taking a drag and coughing for what seemed like 10 minutes. “I tried tagging the back of my laptop to try and create the look and feel of the back of the school, but it’s not the same. I’m just trying to hold on to any sense of normalcy I can.”

Hernandez, a junior, believes that the back of his laptop is the ideal smoke spot.

“The space behind my laptop is usually super chill,” said Hernandez, who recently switched from smoking cloves to Camel Filters. “Sometimes if I want to pretend like I’m in class, I’ll put a background video up of me not paying attention and doodling in my spiral notebook. Seems to work pretty well. Now instead of checking to see if the vice principal is coming, I just put a towel under the door and hope my mom doesn’t try to come into my room.”

However, AP biology teacher Marcy Wyman seemed more aware of what the students were up to than they might expect.

“I know exactly what they’re doing — sometimes they forget to log out and I can see the smoke coming from behind the screen. But what am I gonna do, write them up for truancy?” Wyman stated while lighting a cigarette of her own. “I’d say something if I wasn’t so burnt out trying to maintain the attention span of 40 horned-up teenagers through a metal cube.”

In related news, several teens who attend nearby Ryston High were caught carving penis drawings into their parents’ bathroom walls today in an attempt to remember what it felt like to “hate this place again.”

‘MLB The Show 21’ Allows You to Fully Customize Overbearing Father Living Vicariously Through You

Posted on March 14, 2021 by Camden Brazile

SAN DIEGO — San Diego Studio announced today that MLB: The Show 21 will allow players to fully customize a belligerent father living vicariously through their digital ballplayer avatars.

“We want to really immerse the players in the game, while still giving them options to encourage unique, personalized experiences,” said lead designer Jack Trusler, describing how players will be able to adjust their virtual father’s physique with a slider ranging from Husky to Very Husky. “Of course, we know that dedicated gamers will want to tweak the finer details, which is why you can also choose what soda can your father pours his liquor into, or even what baseball movie he shouts quotes from while you’re at bat.”

Anna Luepke, an avid fan of both baseball and overbearing fathers, says that she’s excited to experience the freedom of this new system and even knows what route she will choose for her fictional father already.

“I’m so looking forward to building an in-game dad who really thinks his glory days are behind him,” Luepke explained. “My dad’s backstory is gonna be that he started pushing me to become the best after his virtual DUI. I’m sure his constant abuse of personal boundaries will help my character easily power through the Spring Training level. There’s even a rumor online that there will be a secret unlockable cutscene where your dad fights another dad at one of your college games!”

Trusler concluded the announcement of the dad customization system by teasing the more emotional elements to be revealed, such as a heart wrenching 3-hour interactive cutscene where your character lectures his father about why he has to stop telling people he’s your manager.

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