Woman Concerned Relationship Might Jeopardize Incredible Sex With Friend

Posted on March 14, 2021 by Sari Beliak

TUCSON, Ariz. –– Local woman Anaya Marquez is concerned that pursuing a relationship with her friend David Alameda could jeopardize the incredible sex they’ve been having over the past year, according to sources.

“We’ve been friends with benefits for a while now, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve never thought about what it might be like if we took things to the next level,” said Marquez. “It’s such a tough call, because once you cross that line into a relationship with someone you care about sleeping with, you can’t just go back to having amazing, no-strings-attached sex like you once did. I guess I’ve just always thought of David as a fuck buddy, so it’s hard for me to throw all that away just for a chance at something healthy. We have an amazing arrangement, and I’d hate to do anything to lose that.”

Sources close to Marquez and Alameda have stressed the importance of really thinking this decision through completely.

“I totally understand the curiosity in wanting to explore if there’s something more between them, but it could really change their dynamic,” said Marquez’ roommate and friend, Zahara Dietz. “Sure, they have great sexual chemistry, but they’re just gonna throw that all away? For what? Communication and trust? That could really ruin what they’ve built, and once they do, they could never go back to what they had. And from what I can hear from my room, that kind of connection and willingness doesn’t just come along every day. It’s not worth it to lose that.”

Relationship experts warn pursuing a relationship with a slam piece can have damaging consequences.

“It’s a tough decision that many people face,” said sex therapist Hannah Briggs. “It’s important that both parties really consider the ramifications of such a big change in their arrangement. Be real with yourself and ask if you’re ready to risk losing being naked with someone just for the smallest chance of a relationship and all the headaches that come with it. You can’t just go back to being fuck buddies once you’ve crossed the line into caring about someone and know things about them.”

Briggs added that friends with benefits can work if both parties are willing to act more uninterested than the other.

How to Make Your House Show Feel More Like a Home Show

Posted on March 14, 2021 by Parker Newman

We all remember house shows — the moshing on PBR-soaked hardwood floor, the carpeted basement that feels like a cancer-sauna, and most of all, the parents who own the house that clearly shouldn’t have been parents. However, some house shows just don’t feel quite right. That’s why we’re here to show you how to turn your house show into a home show just in time for the reopening of venues.

Having a House – Now before you call me a classist cog in the bourgeoisie machine, remember that “house” is literally in the name of “house-show.” Now if you want to dig up Merriam Webster’s grave and piss on their corpse for being a fascist, go for it, but don’t come crying to me. The first thing for your house show is an actual home. The most efficient method is to rent from a trusting landlord and hope they forget and allow your lease to lapse. Once they realize their mistake, it’s time to throw one last show and move.

Decorations – If your house show has any cred, your bathroom should already be coated in stickers and everything should be broken. Next is to decorate the rest of your space with flowers and candles. Consider holiday decorations from Five Below based on the season. This will make your bands and attendees feel like they are back home from college on break, which will be very welcome considering many of them most likely would be.

Cocaine Should Only be Done In the Master Bathroom – We all know everyone at a house show is on massive amounts of drugs. Though not Prozac and Lithium or any of the drugs they should actually be on. The number one key to making your house show feel more like a home show is knowing that everyone is coked out of their mind without actually seeing anyone do cocaine. Let’s face it, it’s fun to see 10 people go into a bathroom and act like we don’t know what’s going on. Also, make sure you invite us next time.

QAnon Theory About Daylight Saving Time Makes More Sense Than Actual Explanation

Posted on March 14, 2021 by Ted Pillow

SALT LAKE CITY — A new QAnon theory circulating on message boards about the truth behind Daylight Saving Time is somehow more believable than the widely accepted explanation, according to perplexed sources.

“Daylight Saving Time confuses the hell out of me, so I tried doing a little research this year,” stated 26-year-old Kimberly Nevins. “But the more I read, the more confused I got, and I kept searching until I stumbled across this site called 8chan — there was some pretty wild shit on there, including a thread about how the time change was really an elaborate plot by Bill Clinton to hypnotize the country for an hour while he and his friends had a big orgy on the White House lawn. It sounds far-fetched, but maybe there’s something to it? Because there is seriously no way we all just pretend it’s the wrong time for like six months for a bunch of damn farmers.”

Randy Perkins, host of the far-right radio show “FactCombat,” elaborated on the increasingly popular theory involving the former president and Daylight Saving Time.

“It’s quite simple, really: Daylight Saving Time is a hoax perpetrated by the liberal elite as a form of mind control and time manipulation in order to make us all complacent and ready to be sold into the sex trade,” Perkins explained. “It didn’t exist until 1992, when it was instituted by perverted infidel Bill Clinton so that he and his satanic cabal could have a masked satanic ceremony on the White House lawn — they use TV commercials with subliminal messaging to lull the populace into a deep sleep for 60 minutes while they douse each other in pig’s blood and engage in extramarital sex. Like I said, pretty obvious.”

As the theory continued to gather steam, former President Bill Clinton issued a denial that left many still scratching their heads.

“I know these people really hate me, but even this seems like a bit of a stretch,” said Clinton. “Look, I’ve made some mistakes. I’ve even told a few lies. But I totally promise that I never earmarked $4 billion from our defense budget for the sole purpose of developing hypnotic technology that could put the nation into a trance while I banged a bunch of supermodels and pledged my undying allegiance to Satan. Really, guys, I promise!”

As of press time, Nevins was considering a QAnon theory which posited that JFK was assassinated by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Sexual Tension Grows Between Mario Kart Live and Roomba

Posted on March 13, 2021 by Lucas Johnson

NEW YORK — Remarking that there’s been a strange, horny energy in his living room ever since the two electronic devices have been home together, local technology enthusiast Reggie Marshall says that he’s noticed a growing sexual tension between his Mario Kart Live set and his Roomba.

“At first I thought there might be a glitch happening with the Roomba’s navigation AI due to the Mario Kart Live,” said Marshall, explaining how his Roomba almost impulsively rams into the kart several times a day. “The Mario Kart Live even started throwing banana peels in front of the Roomba like it was trying to playfully make messes for it to clean up. However, something changed last week, after they knocked into each other a little too hard.”

Marshall says from there, what originally started as a tense power-struggle has turned into a steamy love affair.

“Suddenly, crumbs started appearing by my Nintendo Switch. Every day like clockwork, right before the scheduled clean up time.” One time, they appeared to be in the shape of a heart. But that was only the beginning. Marshall swears he “never moves it,” but he continues to find his Mario Kart Live laying around the Roomba’s docking station. He has even found a couple of Question-Mark boxes scratched into the floor underneath his dinner table. Marshall claimed that “he was cool with it” and he just wants a clean floor again.

When asked to comment, Marshall’s blushing Roomba suggested that he spend more time outside of the house (perhaps on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 3:00 p.m.). The Mario Kart Live offered a flustered “Mama Mia!” and scooted away at a glacial pace.

At press time, Marshall reported that he was woken up in the middle of the night by loud, mechanical noises coming from underneath his bed.

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Pantera Fan Uses “Intellectual” As Slur

Posted on March 13, 2021 by Wilson Conkwright

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local Pantera fan Blane Butts referred to another customer at Ingles Supermarket as an “intellectual” yesterday in an apparent attempt to insult and undermine them, confused sources confirmed.

“I saw this nerd boy in a collared shirt and his dumb mask buying a newspaper, counting out exact change. I didn’t want to do it, but poindexters like him are a menace to society, and it is my patriotic duty to alarm the crowd and bust out the ‘I’ word. I bet he’s never tried fun shit like lighting off bottle rockets in your car, or meth you buy from a long haul trucker,” said Butts from inside the cab of his bumper-less truck. “We already have enough troubles here in our country — we don’t need any more that might be brought along by someone who takes time to think.”

The victim of Butts’ attempted public shaming, Jonathan McMeyers, is still undecided on whether to thank or resent the stank-breathed giant for pinpointing his “dangerous amount of wit.”

“I was just paying the cashier when he started yelling about how everyone needs to ‘back off’ because ‘we got an intellectual over here,’” said McMeyers, cleaning off Butts’ spit from his glasses. “I was a C student, I have an hourly job — the only things remotely intelligent about me are my Prius and the fact that I read the paper, mostly for the sports section. I’d like to say this is a first, but honestly, there are a ton of Pantera fans in this town and they all seem to be triggered by me. Luckily, they smoke, like, two packs a day, so it’s pretty easy to run away.”

Esteemed sociologist Dr. Henrietta Batiste, Ph.D. theorizes that Pantera fans tend to lash out due to a preternatural “fight or flight” reaction.

“Simply put, they’re scared of anyone who doesn’t know all the lyrics to ‘Walk’ by heart,” Dr. Batiste stated without any bias or judgement. “These Pantera fans keep a tight-knit clan from birth to the grave. Most of them are capable of complex behaviors like basic tool use, language, and lawnmower repair, but incapable of anything more complex, like arithmetic or prose. When they see those traits in action, they feel threatened. The type of tribalism in Pantera’s fanbase is a biological trait mostly seen in the early bipedal hominid Homo Erectus.”

Pantera fans all over Alabama are planning to march in protest of the “illegal intellectuals” flooding into their state.

Man Doing Laundry Comes to Sudden, Alarming Realization That It Just Goes On and On Like This Forever

Posted on March 13, 2021 by James Knapp

TACOMA, Wash. — Local 33-year-old Darrell Ornsby realized yesterday that “the universe is a lie and life is a joke” as he transferred a load of socks from the washer to the dryer, sources in the midst of an existential crisis confirmed.

“I don’t know how it happened. Who even cares?” mumbled Ornsby while curled on the floor and staring despondently at a balled-up T-shirt. “One moment I was moving those socks, and then… then I just couldn’t. It’s like you just do the same things, over and over — wash, dry, fold, repeat, wash, dry, fold, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat…”

“I used to wonder why I would sometimes find my mom just looking out the window into the woods behind our house in the middle of the night,” he added, “and now I think I understand.”

Laundromat owner Clyde Robinson saw Ornsby’s existential breakdown firsthand.

“Seriously, can we get this guy outta here? He’s really starting to freak me out,” said Robinson while rigging the change machine to never work properly. “I don’t see what his fucking issue is. Everybody has tough shit to deal with, but you just gotta work though it. Just wash, dry, fold, repeat, wash, dry, fold, repeat, wash, dr… OH MY GOD, I’VE WASTED MY LIFE!”

Philosophy professor Sturgill Tungstenman has conducted experiments on the subject of laundry-related crises.

“In my latest study, I observed the effect that doing laundry for 72 hours straight had on 10 volunteer graduate students,” Tungstenman stated. “Six suffered complete psychological breakdowns within the first nine hours. On the second day, three others quit academia entirely to pursue lives as cemetery drifters. Only one subject made it to the very end of the experiment, and by that point he seemed to believe himself to be some kind of messiah — he insisted that he be referred to as ‘Cardigan Christ’ and claimed to hold prophetic dominion of ‘the underpants diciples.’ Strangely, it actually made complete sense to the three researchers who brushed their teeth and got in their car to drive the same path to work that day — just like they’ve done every day for what may have been the best years of their lives.”

Ornsby, in an effort to mitigate future existential breakdowns, has since reduced his wardrobe to a single polyester jumpsuit, which he will have dry-cleaned precisely once per year.

Opinion: Music Throughout History, on a Global Scale, Peaked When I Was 13-17 Years Old

Posted on March 13, 2021 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

It’s no secret that all music today is utter trash. Me and my friends say so all the time. As a true music lover, I sought out to find the time period when music was objectively at its best. So exactly what time period was music, on a technical and songwriting level, as close to perfection as humanity will likely achieve? After thorough research, comparison, and reflection, I’d say music was at its best when I was 13-17 years old.

What are the odds? I was so grateful that, throughout history, music evolved into perfection during my formative years. I loved my dad’s music until I turned 13 in 1998 and realized it was all just lame-ass old people music. Neil Young? He looked like the mean lady from The Goonies. My dad had this 1967-1972 shrine in his shed. What’s with old people and nostalgia?

My older brother was so close, the poor soul! He just missed Nu-Metal. Looking back, his early 90s punk, grunge, and hip-hop felt like primitive forms of real music. Decent, but just a little undercooked. Take Green Day’s “Dookie” and Offspring’s “Smash” for instance. They were still building to real punk like “Time Of Your Life” and “Pretty Fly For A White Guy.” Scary, druggy grunge like Nirvana naturally evolved into Creed (Billboard’s Rock Artist of the Year in ’98). With hip-hop, archaic stuff like Nas and Wu-Tang blossomed into everlasting hip-hop icons like Silkk the Shocker and Memphis Bleek. It’s a very clear, linear progression.

Look, I know people older or younger than 35 might think their music is the best, but like I tell everyone I disagree with, do your research. Seriously, music’s golden age deserves a museum. My dream is to create this museum, where the lovers of real music can pilgrimage on down to the 300-sleeve Case Logic in my garage so I can give them what my dad couldn’t give me: The best music of all time.

Punk Who Got in Shape Somehow Looks Worse

Posted on March 13, 2021 by Dan Luberto

PARMA, Ohio — Local punk Matt Onofrio looks substantially worse after getting in better physical shape over the last several months, defying all laws of logic and preconceived notions about the human body.

“I can’t quite describe it, but it’s like some uncanny valley shit. He looks like, you know, a ‘better’ person? But it doesn’t look natural. My brain finds it deeply unsettling,” said longtime friend Luke Wallace. “I’m happy ‘cause I guess he’s eating healthier and working out, but at what cost? Like, he somehow looks worse than ever, even though he’s gained 12 pounds of muscle and his skin cleared up because he started drinking water. How in the fuck?”

Hardcore kids have known for years that their place in the scene is largely determined by their body type, and Onofrio’s drastic shape-up threatens the whole balance and the future of his band, Survive 2 Die.

“This is so fucking selfish. For years we’ve worked to carve out a niche for ourselves, and we all agreed to toe the line between ‘tough hardcore guys wearing camo’ and ‘guys who wear camo because ethey actually go hunting,’ and we’re comfortable with that. Where’s he get off investing in his health over the last eight months and looking toned all of a sudden?” said bandmate Jeremy Carrazzo. “Our frontman can’t just look like that, we’re not fucking Turnstile. We can all say goodbye to saying offensive shit on stage and selling sick football jersey merch. He just cost us big time.”

Indeed, Onofrio may be wreaking havoc on his local scene in ways that will cause a ripple effect for years to come.

“Any hardcore scene is, in itself, an ecosystem of sorts, and it can only operate as a whole if all enviromental factors and naturally-occuring organisms are present,” said ecologist Dr. Ruby Green. “Onofrio’s sudden weight loss throws off the entire genetic makeup of the scene, which relies on bulked-up lifters with weirdly small heads to balance out the malnourished-looking skinny punks who text everyone’s girlfriends. The implications here are devastating. Hopefully he changes course before he starts a shoegaze band.”

At press time, Onofrio’s bandmates were seen switching out his whey protein powder with mass gainer and crushed-up Xanax.

New Cartoon ‘Alpha Betas’ Explores Fictional World of Gamers Contributing to Society

Posted on March 13, 2021 by Camden Brazile

COLUMBIA, Mo. — In the tradition of groundbreaking science fiction, the upcoming YouTube show Alpha Betas poses a challenging, otherworldly question: what if gamers actually contributed to society even a little bit?

Animated by Starburns Industries and starring popular YouTubers from the Vanoss crew, the show exists in a universe in which video games secretly power the world. Fans were fascinated by the concept of YouTubers exploring high-octane video game environments, utilizing fun gadgets, and most shockingly, making their parents proud.

Popular Twitch.tv streamer Emily Lentz commented on what this inventive story means for the gaming community.

“When I heard about the premise, my mind was like, totally blown. Gamers getting out there and having a positive impact on the world? This is one of those insane ideas that on paper seems infeasible, even paradoxical,” Lentz said. “It took me a while to wrap my head around, but after I watched the trailer a dozen times or so, I started to understand it. A little.”

By pushing the envelope of what’s possible in fiction, Alpha Betas sent shockwaves through online communities, all of them remarkably nonessential to the world.

“All of us real YouTubers were caught totally off guard,” Lentz said. “Someone working on this show threw out the whole playbook on gaming. The idea that the power grid runs on video games? Sure. But we’re on the edges of our seats, waiting to see how someone who games for a living could do one single positive thing for the world.”

Alpha Betas hopes to challenge preconceived notions about how gamers function, creating a dialogue by using a fantastical, “what-if?” scenario of YouTubers not only playing games for money, but using that skill to become a productive member of their community.

“Gamers can barely save themselves, let alone the entire world,” Lentz said. “I can’t wait to see what Alpha Betas will do next after starting off with such a high concept. Who knows? Maybe one of the characters will actually get health insurance from their job, maybe a family member will tell them they understand their career choices, anything is possible!”

This article is sponsored by Alpha Betas. Check out the pilot below!

Twitter Celebrates 15 Years of Jack Dorsey Going Through It

Posted on March 12, 2021 by Andy Holt

SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter reached an important milestone this month, celebrating the 15 consecutive years that founder Jack Dorsey has really been going through some shit.

“Whether he’s showing up to Congress looking like he hasn’t slept, or just giving off the general vibe that he’s having a rough time, one thing has always been consistent: Jack is down pretty bad,” said a spokesperson for the company. “We just want to congratulate him on 15 long years of going through it. Hang in there, buddy.”

Longtime employees reminisced about Dorsey, the billionaire who has taken shifting roles at Twitter over the years because he needed some space to figure stuff out.

“You look back to the early days, and it’s like, wow, that was 15 years ago? Jack looks like it’s been 30,” said programmer Terence Quayle. “So much has changed since those early days, like his nose ring. But plenty of stuff is the same, too, like his hair and the sense that he’s going through a difficult period.”

Twitter has faced harsh criticism from all sides since its founding, but when asked how the controversy has affected Dorsey, sources were reluctant to say.

“You have to think all the angry comments bother him, right? Or maybe he’s over that whole thing. I don’t know,” said Quayle. “All I know for sure is something has been haunting the guy since he founded this website, and no amount of wealth or meditation will be able to expel it. We’ve all been there.”

Dorsey could not be reached for comment, due to some outside stuff that has been taking up a lot of his emotional bandwidth.

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