Cannabis Reform! The Ghostbusters Are Releasing All the Ghosts They Locked Up for Weed

Posted on by Ted Pillow

In a landmark victory for noncorporeal cannabis reform, the Ghostbusters announced via their tax lawyer Louis Tulley that they are releasing hundreds of ghosts they’ve captured over the years for marijuana possession.

“This is a long time coming,” explained Ghostbuster Ray Stantz. “More and more states are legalizing pot and the cannabis industry is absolutely booming. Plus, we usually focus on malevolent spirits and vengeful deities that pose a real threat to society. Bustin’ these harmless ghosts didn’t make us feel good.”

Stantz went on to explain that most of these arrests occurred during the height of the War on Drugs and that “dickless Mayor Giuliani told us he’d have our asses committed if we didn’t help clean up Times Square.”

Many previously confined ghosts, including Slimer, a class 5 full-roaming vapor captured by the Ghostbusters in 1984, have already been freed as part of the new policy.

“Honestly, I was stoned out of my fucking mind when the Ghostbusters caught me,” said the ghoul also known as Onionhead. “I’m thrilled to be out, but I completely changed in my 36 years in the containment unit. I got sober, stopped eating hot dogs and started hitting the gym, and even converted to Islam. Now I’m so jacked people barely recognize me. My plan for afterlife after confinement is to become one of those motivational speakers who does school assemblies. I’ll travel the country warning kids against the dangers of smoking dank ass weed and eating off people’s room service carts in fancy NYC hotels.”

Policy experts are praising the mass release as a step in the right direction.

“Many of these ghosts have spent decades in a mysterious, environmentally unsound storage facility in the basement of an old fire station,” noted cannabis activist Janet Williamson. “They deserved to be released and I’m glad they are finally being given their freedom. Now, if only we could get our nation’s penal system to treat American citizens with the same dignity that the Ghostbusters show towards non-violent ectoplasmic manifestations.”

However, while the move has been praised by many, the city is still unsure what to do with the glut of recently released ghost, including the 112 feet tall Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, who recently blocked all foot Traffic in Washington Square park while listening to Grateful Dead bootlegs and playing frisbee.

Gym Refuses to Terminate Membership Until You’re Completely Out of Money

Posted on by Kevin Tit

WHEATON, Md. — The local branch of the BodySmith Fitness franchise is refusing to terminate your gym membership until you have zero dollars remaining in your name, multiple impoverished former members confirm.

“Legally we aren’t doing anything wrong, so I don’t know what the big deal is,” grunted franchise owner Stuart Moans. “It says right there in the middle on the 26th page of the membership agreement: ‘Your membership can not be terminated until you can either no longer pay, or come find me and try to kick my ass.’ It’s clear as day. They all signed the document. As much as I’d like to help, there’s nothing I can really do. My hands are tied.”

Some former members feel as if they had been deliberately taken advantage of by the gym and its staff.

“I hadn’t been there in months. I had no idea they were still charging me,” said former member and local bridge dweller Shane Michaels. “I got the membership back in 2016 as a New Year’s resolution to get healthy. I kind of stopped going after I tweaked my ankle, and gave up trying to cancel after they kept hanging up on me and their website kept crashing just before I’d hit the ‘submit cancellation’ button. I sort of just thought I could cancel my credit card, but they somehow had access to my new one. I lost my house, my family, everything… but at least now I can rest easy knowing I’m not spending $49.99 per month on nothing.”

Legal experts say this is a common practice within big gym culture.

“Corporate chain, local chain, private gyms — they all do it,” Bodysmith private attorney Mya Hill explained. “It’s a part of the culture: 90% of gyms around the world are relying on people to just kind of forget they have memberships; it’s no different than that free year of Amazon Prime everyone forgets the expiration for. We train our employees here to deflect cancellation inquiries, which always ensures the gym looks empty and appealing without actually losing any of the revenue.”

At press time, Moans was smoking a cigar on his boat and flipping off the angry mob he narrowly escaped.

Opinion: Please Stop Rummaging Through the Little House I Built for My Books

Posted on by Tom Peters

Suburbs have always existed in a symbiotic relationship to their neighboring cities. And in turn, suburbanites exist in symbiotic relation to their neighbors. If you need a cup of sugar or a postage stamp, you know exactly where to turn. However, in the microcosm of communal stewardship that is our cul de sac, it is nevertheless imperative that we establish boundaries. It is in spirit of this that I make the following humble request:

Please stop rummaging through the little house I built for my books to live inside of.

I understand full well the allure of my book collection; the constant urge to run your fingers over the spines, pausing to withdraw a volume and fan out its moldy pages, breathing in ecstasy—this is why I had to give them their own outdoor home, away from my wandering eye. But you must understand that my books are not for sale.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think my precious tomes were available to you free of charge? I suppose you assume the dog in my doghouse is yours for the taking as well. Will you at least spare the family of chickadees who have taken up residence in the birdhouse? The eggs will hatch soon if you should deign them worthy of living.

I’m afraid I must take partial responsibility for leading you on by displaying my sun-bleached treasures within arm’s reach of the sidewalk. But it was of the utmost importance that I install my tiny Atheneum at the farthest outpost of my estate. This way when I burst naked from the house in one of my fits, there is ample time for the cool night air to bring me to my senses before I crumple to the ground, writhing in shame on the wet grass, my books perched soundly in their grange, safe from defilement.

I would also ask that you refrain from making any deposits in my biblio-hutch. My collection is meticulously curated and there is a very limited amount of space. If I need a copy of Twilight: Eclipse, I’ll come root around in your home for it, since that is apparently the precedent we have set.

I trust this finds you well, and I do hope you will consider my previous offer of spousal swapping.

Good day.

Zillow’s Punk Setting Splits Mortgage Six Ways

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

SEATTLE — Real estate giant Zillow announced a new “punk” setting today for users that will allow potential home buyers to split the mortgage between six or more people.

“Our new settings will save punks the stress of doing complicated math on greasy pizza boxes at the end of every month by individually texting each co-owner what their share of the mortgage is, when it’s due, and how to pay it,” said VP of Marketing and Analytics Jessica Paczynski. “We’re trying to make homeownership a possibility for everyone — especially highly temperamental artists and creative types with a tendency to implode every time they experience interpersonal conflict.”

A notable spike in 5-star ratings of the Zillow app on Google Play, the App Store, Pitchfork, and LambGoat proves that the scene is satisfied with the new features.

“This app has revolutionized cohabitating in my late 20s. I’m really starting to feel the pride that comes with 1/6th homeownership,” remarked solo artist, bartender, and co-owner of 5931 Primrose Ave. Scott Huffman. “The convenience of Zillow’s app helped me invest in an asset that will grow my portfolio until I split the equity five ways and we all decide to move to another city and start over. In the meantime, it’s fun pretending we’ll do anything other than depreciate the overall value of the home.”

Local real estate agent Vicki Ziegler believes that both the underground scene and mainstream real estate professionals will benefit from the update.

“This setting has made my job so much easier, because it also shows punk house hunters which properties have decent basements for throwing shows and closets or dining rooms that could reasonably be turned into bedrooms,” Ziegler said while stuffing her card into used vinyl at Sonic Boom Records. “I’m sick of trying to guess whether or not your buddy Zeke from Phoenix can live in the pantry before we do a walkthrough. That said, punks will literally buy any home in any condition in any neighborhood. The commissions aren’t great, but they’re reliable, ya know?”

Other changes introduced with the app’s update include scripts to read when you call your stepdad to borrow money, and tips on how to paint your walls black without drawing the eye away from your Misfits tapestry.

Opinion: You Aren’t Good Enough at Guitar To Buy a Flying V, Man

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I can tell what you’re thinking from across the showroom. I know you want to pick one up, strum it like a jackass that has no idea what he’s doing, and take that beautiful piece home like she’s a mail order bride from the dark web, well guess what?! I can 100% guarantee you aren’t good enough at guitar to buy a flying V, man.

The look on your face tells me you don’t understand, so let me make it plain and simple why I’m not going to let you walk out of this shop with one: You don’t deserve to play, much less own, this majestic piece of mahogany, rosewood, and gloss nitrocellulose lacquer.

Face it chief, you’re flying too close to the sun here. Just like the angel dude from that bitchin Zeppelin poster. Don’t even think about it kid, you’ll hurt yourself.

Hate to break it to you son, but you’re just too green for a musical assault rifle like that. Do you even know this exalted instrument’s origin story? This piece of revolutionary art and design was popularized by motherfuckers like Dave Davies. That’s right, man. The fuckin’ Kinks. The white-hot licks of a nondescript British man simply could not be contained by anything less than the Mjölnir of guitars.

You can just hear the white pickguard acrylic dot inlays absolutely cutting through the mix like a hot knife through butter. Can you imagine how anemic songs like “‘Till the End of the Day” or “Who’ll Be the Next in Line” would sound were it not for the raw power of the V? And do you really think a little piss-ant like you is ready, let alone worthy, of that kind of pure rock power? Fuck outta here man!

Do you know how Lenny Kravitz went from writing rippers like “Fly Away” to churning out cold diarrhea like “Raise Vibration”? Because he went to the studio and left his custom shop signature ‘67 flying V at home. Not one note of the Gibson ‘57 Signature pickups from his model or the trademark sound of a vintage V’s korina body. The V giveth and the V taketh away. It’s bigger than both of us, and at the end of the day you just plain can’t fucking HANDLE it man!

A guitar this dangerous doesn’t come with training wheels and elbow pads, my friend, so I suggest you look elsewhere. That said, is there another guitar I can show you, Mr. Satriani? We have a nice collection of used Squires and nylon stringed Yahmahas over her if you’re interested.

Man Only Willing to Vote for Candidates Who Will Remove His Ability to Vote

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

ATLANTA — Local man Chris Mitchell reportedly is only willing to vote for a candidate who will immediately restrict, hinder and ultimately completely bar him from voting, confirmed sources close to the self-described American patriot.

“I’m a one-issue voter,” said Mitchell while filling out his voter registration card, which, if all goes according to his candidate’s plan, will be “lost” shortly after being received. “There’s a lot of problems in politics, and frankly, I’m one of them: I’m woefully ill-informed, and I don’t give a shit about the well-being of others, or even the maintenance of my community. If anything, my vote is a drag on everyone around me. I just can’t be relied on to think of any kind of decent reason to vote, other than my deep distrust of anyone different from me in any way. That’s why I only trust politicians who will do their best to take my constitutional, God-given right to vote from me.”

“Also, probably from a lot of black people,” he added.

Rep. Dwayne Reddall, a Republican member for the Georgia House, sympathized with Mitchell.

“Liberal activists want to ignore the existence of voters like Mr. Mitchell, who care deeply about being denied their right to affect change in government, just like the Framers intended,” said Reddall as he reviewed a new bill that will remove any voters who have changed addresses in the last 10 years, own cats, or buy plant-based milk alternatives from the rolls. “And it’s not just regular Joes like him who want their votes taken away: my constituents include landlords, individuals involved in fracking, pillow manufacturers… the local support behind this is overwhelming.”

Professor Jonathan Payne, head of the Department of Political Science at Georgia State University, was unsurprised.

“More and more Americans simply don’t want to vote, and don’t feel like it should be their responsibility,” said Payne. “Plus, once you take in to account the fact that the guy from work who heats up egg salad in the microwave and clips his toenails at his desk has the same exact voting power as you, there’s no way not to get discouraged. So, for a lot of people, less people voting is better. Plus, let’s not forget how racist everyone is. That’s huge here.”

In related news, an unpaid parking ticket from 2003 has already made Mitchell ineligible to vote for the remainder of his life.

Not To Kink Shame but What’s up With the Tooth Fairy?

Posted on by Kate Howard

First things first, I’m so open-minded about sex. I’m vocal about it, too. I guess you could say I’m open-mouthed about sex too. But you know what hole of mine is not open to sex? The hole in my gums where my molar used to be. I don’t mean to kink shame, but seriously, the tooth fairy is one sick fuck.

Again, not judging. I just think it’s weird that no one’s talking about it. Like, why is everyone just okay with a tiny creature getting off on stealing baby teeth in the middle of the night in exchange for the change they got back from buying what I can only assume are teeth-shaped condoms?

I’m not closed-minded about sex. I contribute to multiple OnlyFans and I ideologically support all sex work, but there’s a limit people. And that limit is baby teeth. Hell, if you can get past the “teeth” part of it, the word “baby” is an even tougher sell. Sorry TF, I’m keeping my kids’ teeth in a secure location: Inside their mattresses in between a brick of gold and the certificates of authenticity to all those stars I bought.

The bottom line is teeth are disgusting and the tooth fairy is a twisted night-demon for being so into them. Once again, I’m not saying this to kink shame. Literally, any other fetish makes sense to me. I get that the Easter Bunny has a thing for pastel eggs, and I particularly respect that the guy wants to hunt for them. Santa’s kink for breaking into peoples’ homes at night is a no-brainer. Even the idea of a fairy sneaking into your room at night is understandably hot. But then you throw in teeth? Total dealbreaker.

Ominous Record Store Employee Warns Not to Listen to Mogwai Album After Midnight

Posted on by Michael Luis

KINGSTON FALLS, N.Y. — An ominous record store employee reportedly warned customers yesterday that the new Mogwai album should not be exposed to direct sunlight, water, and above all, not played or listened to after midnight, creeped-out sources confirmed.

“These fools rarely heed my warnings. They look at me like I’m crazy, because I have an in-depth knowledge of everything we import and I wear the same Guided by Voices shirt every single day, but I’m not crazy. I’m just practical,” said Vinyl Circus employee Brandon Wing, of those trying to buy “As The Love Continues,” the latest LP from the Scottish band. “One might think that Mogwai’s lush post-rock sound would be perfect for listening to in the dark of night, but no: something awful will happen. That album will no longer be what you thought it was. They’ll see. They’ll all see.”

The most recent purchaser of the album was Allen Davis, a local music aficionado who said he was made very uncomfortable by Wing’s antics.

“I haven’t listened to Mogwai since ‘Happy Songs for Happy People,’ but now I’m like, ‘I have to hear this thing,’” said Davis. “So I’m trying to buy it, but the guy won’t ring it through until he finishes rambling on about all these rules… like I’ve never bought a record before. He mentioned some crap about ‘transformation’ and ‘mutation’ while playing with this creepy necklace around his neck, and I figured maybe he was just talking about the band’s progression over the years. Which I get; maybe Mogwai peaked with ‘Rock Action.’”

“He also said the record store was built on an ancient burial ground, and I think I saw some voodoo dolls in the back room,” added Davis. “I just wanted to get out of there.”

Anders Rogers had a similar experience with Wing a few days earlier when attempting to purchase a Ramones record.

“I heard if you listen to ‘Pet Sematary’ off of ‘Brain Drain’ in the middle of night, something might happen,” said Rogers while wiping his muddy hands on his pants. “That weirdo kept warning me not to buy it, so I’ll be honest, I stole it. I just really missed my son, okay? But look at him! He’s fine. Maybe he’s acting a little strange, but he’s fine. Wait, where’s Gage? And where’s my pocket knife?”

At press time, Kingston Falls police had been called to a disturbance at Dorry’s Tavern, which reportedly consisted of multiple men in their late 30s destroying the bar while listening to Mogwai on the jukebox.

US Landlords Approve Plans To Raise Rent by $1,400

Posted on by Josh Klasco

UNITED STATES — Landlords across the United States approved plans today to raise rent by $1,400 this April, to the consternation of their tenants, incredulous sources confirm.

“There’s nothing irregular about a sudden rise in rent of a thousand bucks or so in conjunction with a major stimulus bill,” claimed Baltimore landlord Adam Hamdan, who doesn’t see what the fuss is about. “This is pretty standard stuff. It just so happens that every landlord across the country is having the same exact issues right now, and an increase in rent is the only way to manage that. We’ll put the money towards ghost-proofing each property, and making sure each home can handle any harmful radio waves from 5G or something. I don’t fucking know.”

Chicago renter Shadi Duoti remembers the day his landlord told him about the rent hike.

“She barged right in and was like, ‘Hey, um, I just got the news that… uh… property values are skyrocketing next month, so I’m gonna have to augment your rent to reflect that’ — right in my all-purpose living room/bedroom/kitchen space,” recalled Douli from his studio apartment. “Being on the receiving end of such an obvious lie is bad enough, but this was only like, an hour after my stimulus check cleared. Can she see my banking info? I’ve been here for three years, does she really think I’m dumb enough to fall for that shit? The day I move out, this place is going to be nothing but upper deckers.”

In Washington, Democratic lawmakers noticed the unusual timing of the pandemic stimulus checks and the nationwide rent increase, but insisted it’s nothing to be concerned about.

“We’re sure it’s a complete coincidence,” assured House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “All this fanfare about corruption and conspiracy is nothing more than treasonous nonsense propagated by Bernie Sanders and his Stalinist goons. Frankly, I want to applaud my Republican colleagues for not letting themselves get distracted by this so-called ‘super obvious theft that I should be ashamed of for ignoring.’”

Renters across the country hoped to take a stand against this blatant display of corruption, but plans have been postponed because there’s a new show on Netflix “everybody says you gotta watch.”

We Sat Down With Dire Straits So I’ll Have Something To Talk To My Dad About Before I Ask Him for Money

Posted on by Ryan Danley

It’s been a tough month. We found a mint first-press copy of Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” on eBay that we couldn’t pass up so we’re pretty short on cash for other essentials like rent. Looks like we gotta make that ugly phone call to dad for some money. The problem is we haven’t called our Dad in forever and we asked him for money the last time we talked. The trick is to make some small talk and establish a rapport before revealing that the phone call, much like our love, is very conditional. That’s why we sat down with dad’s favorite band, “Dire Straits” because maybe they’ll tell us something we can use to get dad’s guard down.

The Hard Times: Wow, it’s really great to sit down with the greatest southern rock band ever!
Dire Straits: We’re actually from London.

Oh, our bad. Dad usually prefers southern rock. London, huh? Okay, writing that down. This is great stuff! Have you ever heard The Smiths? They’re from Liverpool too, right?
Not all towns in England are the same town. And, yes, we’ve heard The Smiths.

Killer. What’s your favorite Smith’s song? We keep trying to get our dad into them but he’s not biting.
What magazine did you say you were from?

The one the Rolling Stones own. So, you have a new record out?
We were told this was for a lifetime achievement award.

Oh, it is. You’ve achieved making our Dad way happier than us. Believe us, that’s an achievement. That man is cold as fuck.
This is weird.

Look, just tell us what to say to our dad so he’ll pay our rent without bringing it up at Christmas.
That’s it, we’re leaving.

Okay, how about you help us out so we don’t remind everyone about the homophobic slur that’s peppered throughout your biggest hit, “Money For Nothing.” I’m sure Twitter will be real understanding.
Shit. Just tell him it’s an investment and when he looks at you puzzled, look him all teary-eyed and say, “I’m worth investing in? Aren’t I, pop?”

Damn. That might actually work. Thanks, you’re great at this!
We’re musicians. If we didn’t know how to ask a parent for money we’d have starved long before we ever made it.

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