Runner on Midnight Jog in Midwest Town with No Streetlights Picked Wrong Time to Start Listening to “My Favorite Murder”

JACKTOWN, Mich. – Local runner Mason Clement became increasingly fearful for their safety last night while listening to the podcast “My Favorite Murder” for the first time on a midnight jog in a desolate ghost town.

“Shit, I’m definitely going to be murdered tonight,” said Clement as they picked up their pace. “All of my ‘murderino’ friends have been telling me I have to listen to this podcast because of the hilarious hosts, but they didn’t warn me that it’s actually terrifying: this hometown minisode I’m listening to is about someone who was brutally bludgeoned to death by a psychopath while they were on a night run. I just wanted something fun to listen to while I pass the time jogging by these abandoned buildings and dilapidated butcher shops. At least I have Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark to keep me company until my imminent demise.”

Witnesses allegedly spotted Clement taking an accidental detour through a deteriorating graveyard.

“When I saw someone running through the cemetery, I assumed it’s because they were being chased by our local serial killer, who everyone definitely knows about,” said Earl Stevenson, groundskeeper of the Jacktown Cemetery. “This place is so haunted that if a person doesn’t murder that runner, one of the ghosts definitely will. Hey, maybe they’ll end up being featured on that podcast thing all the freaks are talking about! I’ve always wanted this creep show of a town to get the notoriety it deserves.”

Local murderer Roy Andrews offered his perspective from behind a row of human-sized hedges a few houses down the street.

“Is it really a shock to anyone that I’ve been following them this whole time?” asked Andrews, Jacktown’s reputable cannibal murderer who was reportedly “just an average kid with real nice parents” growing up. “I’d love to boil that runner in butter and eat their garlic-glazed flesh, but I’m going to cut myself some slack tonight — if this person has the guts to go trekking alone through a place scarier than Crystal Lake, then I’m going to assume they leave all their doors unlocked. I’ll get them eventually.”

Clement reportedly made it home safely, but after getting snug in bed with their windows left open, they realized they picked the wrong time to watch the movie “The Strangers.”

Beyond Helter Skelter: 5 Other Beatles Songs Charles Manson Thought Were About an Impending Race War

All-around scalawag and well-known forehead swastika enthusiast Charles Manson was famous for many things. But he’s perhaps best known for his belief that the proto-metal Beatles’ hit “Helter Skelter” was a call for a violent race war. But that’s not the only song Manson believed the lovable lads from Liverpool wrote about racially motivated murder.

Here’s 5 other Beatles’ songs ole’ Charlie may have read into a little too deeply.

“Yesterday”

While “Yesterday” could drive even the most sound-minded among us to dream of murder, Chuck Manson took it a step too far. Manson had it in his head that “the troubles” Macca was referring to were people of all races coming together and inflicting unspeakable carnage on one another. For instance, consider Manson’s interpretation of “I’m not half the man I used to be” to be from the perspective of a Mexican man bisected by a gang of vicious Polynesians.

“Octopus’s Garden”

According to former Manson family member “Tex” Watson, “Daddy Chuck” believed that once the race war began, the family would be safest in an octopus’s garden playing giant clams like bongos. His plan was to create the greatest underwater band of all time, wait for people of color to overthrow their white oppressors, and then win them over with a whimsical music number.

Interestingly, the producers of Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” stated that Manson’s colorful interpretation was the basis for their film’s cheery “Under the Sea” segment, as well as the films overall sexual undertones.

“Rocky Raccoon”

Manson apparently conceived a children’s show based on this song in an effort to recruit more children to his cause. The show would have centered on a plucky little Rocky Raccoon caterwauling around an old west town, getting cuckolded by his whore opossum wife, and then being shot in his fuzzy raccoon belly. The family even work-shopped a pilot they intended to sell to Marty Krofft, but lost funding after several animal corpses-turned-puppets rotted in the desert sun.

While the pilot was never officially released it has maintained an underground following. Actor Bradley Cooper has claimed in several interviews that his performance of Rocket Racoon was “essentially an homage to Manson’s vision.”

“I Wanna Hold Your Hand”

While Manson got the other songs wrong, he was right on the money with this one. Believe it or not, Paul McCartney confirmed in 2011 that “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” is about a race war. In this case, the “hand” McCartney and Lennon wanted to hold was a metaphor for racial disharmony, and as you could probably guess, the “feeling” they can’t hide was that a horrifying race war was imminent.

“Hey Hey We’re The Monkees”

Manson really screwed the pooch on this one. For starters, he thought that this was a Beatles song. Secondly, he believed that the lyrics were written as a commentary on the tendency for people of opposing races to view one another as less evolved and therefore less entitled to human rights. Even when, years later, a friend showed him an episode of “The Monkees” and meticulously explained that the song existed only to introduce the concept of The Monkees to television audiences Manson simply scoffed and said “That’s what the man want’s you to think, man!”

Sound Guy’s Ponytail Used to Tour With Sabbath

TUCSON, Ariz. — A local sound guy’s ponytail bragged yesterday that it used to tour with the legendary metal band Black Sabbath during a recording session at Congo Studios, according to impressed sources.

“I started rambling about my salad days, and this young band was just in awe,” the four-inch-long ponytail stated. “They couldn’t believe it, but it’s true. I was fuckin’ there, man. Not as a musician, but still: I saw the guitars get tuned, slept in the van, and some of my hairs even fell out in the same shower stall Ozzy’s roadie used. I was essential. As a matter of fact, when they were naming the band they almost called it Braid Sabbath. Swear to fucking God.”

Karima White, a young singer/songwriter who was recording her first full-length album, was amazed to hear the ponytail’s meandering story.

“I mean, it’s not every day you get to meet a literal legend who was actually a part of the industry,” White said. “He talked at me for hours and showed me personal text messages from old metal dudes I’ve never heard of. He even showed me an old pic of himself from 1986, when he was more blonde. It was incredible.”

“He says that if I play my cards right, one day my bush could tour with Bush,” White added, “which honestly sounds like a fairy tale.”

Former Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne confirmed that the ponytail did in fact tour with them.

“That ponytail is an unsung hero, really. Not everyone can be famous, but sometimes you must ask yourself, ‘Why not them?’ The world is a cruel mistress like that,” said Osbourne to a translator. “You know that story about me biting off the head of a bat? Rubbish. The real story is that I bit into that ponytail. Tasted like cigarettes, Rogaine, and future stepdad. It put my name on the map.”

Although the sound guy’s ponytail is still being celebrated as a local celebrity, sources were unable to remember the actual name of the sound guy.

Resurrected Christ Distances Himself From Republican Party

WASHINGTON — God’s only begotten son Jesus Christ is actively distancing himself and his constituents from Republicans across the globe upon his return to Earth this afternoon.

“I gave up my flesh and blood for the good of humanity,” Christ said while burning T-shirts depicting Donald Trump with a machine gun. “But this is not how I intended it to go. Did they even read the damn manual? I don’t know how they came up with all this superior race shit. Of course, the main goal is sharing the truth of God’s glory, but it doesn’t mean we should firebomb you for believing in Allah… he’s my father’s fishing buddy for my sake. I think of him as basically my uncle.”

Republican senator and human embarrassment Ted Cruz are skeptical of the son of God’s legitimacy and his timing with the latest predictions from Q.

“With all the lasers the Jews are sending down from space, there’s no way some liberal propaganda gamma rays didn’t end up scorching through heaven and brainwashing our savior,” Cruz said, before quickly stuffing documents into a paper shredder. “Q even said he was coming three days from now, so if you want to question that prediction, that’s fine by me. Jesus will not be merciful to those that doubt his overwhelming wrath and authority over sinners and degenerates… also the Jews, he hates them.”

When reached for comment, God recalled countless instances where this only son’s name and image had been used inappropriately.

“I’ve known Jesus my whole life, and let me tell you, he can’t stand it when people take his words out of context,” the almighty said while nibbling on a chocolate egg. “To see him have to go down here and do damage control on a near-daily basis is just sad. Just a few months ago we were having a great game of dice with Little Richard up here when Trump started to spout off what Jesus would do. Jesus started cussing so bad I had to wash his mouth out with soap. And on a Sunday, for fuck’s sake.”

At press time, the son of God was waiting at a laundromat for his robes to dry after being hit with a firehose for giving a speech to the RNC to support racial equality.

We Got Arrested and Used Our Only Phone Call To Interview Alien Ant Farm

We’ve all been there: you’re out crushing $4 domestics at Dave & Buster’s with the boys and, after a few too many Miller High Life chug-offs, things get a little hazy. Next thing you know you’re waking up in a jail cell covered in vomit and ranch dressing and the dickhead officer that busted you for drunk and disorderly says you’re allowed one phone call.

Our founding fathers wrote the one phone call rule because they believed that American citizens were entitled to legal counsel OR might have scheduled an important interview with one of the best second wave Nu metal groups of all time and they wouldn’t want to miss it. They’re trumping up my charges and it looks like I may be in a lot of trouble here, but fuck it. It’s time to interview Alien Ant Farm!

The Hard Times: I’m so psyched! Alien Ant Farm, motherfucker!


AAF frontman Dryden Mitchell: Are you okay? Our interview was scheduled for like 5 hours ago and I hear a lot of yelling in the background about Miranda rights and bail.

I’m in jail, dude! I got totally belligerent at D&B’s and apparently I took a dump on one of the Daytona USA racing seats and passed out naked in the bowling alley. How epic is that?

Not epic at all. That sounds like some kind of pathetic cry for help.

Thanks! Well, let’s get to it because this guard is already giving me a pretty menacing glare. How did you come up with the lyrics to “Smooth Criminal,” anyway?

You know that’s a cover of one of Michael Jackson’s most famous songs, right? Hey, you really should hang up and use this call to contact a lawyer.

No worries, they’ll appoint one for me or some shit. Back in the day, when music was still awesome, you guys toured with some legendary bands. I gotta ask: what was it like playing with the greatest musicians of all time, Papa Roach?

We had a lot of fun, but I’d rather talk about our more rece-

[Puking] Sorry bro, this hangover is killing me. Oh shit, the guard is walking this way and he looks pissed, I think we’re about to get cut off…

Well, this was somehow still better than the time Tucker Max interviewed us for Maxim magazine.

Wow, that’s high praise. Nu metal for life! Long live Puddle of Mudd! [Line clicks]

Vegan Hides Bottles Of JUST Egg All Over Front Lawn

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Festive plant-based parent Taryn Jacobs delighted her three children on Easter Sunday by hiding bottles of JUST Egg throughout her co-housing community’s lawn.

“Just because we’re vegan doesn’t mean my children should miss out on an authentic Easter experience,” said Jacobs, placing a chilled bottle of the egg replacement liquid beneath a rock. “I told them the Easter bunny, who is free-range, left them tasty treats around our garden that have a 93% smaller carbon footprint than conventional animal products. They were so excited after I explained to them what that means!”

Jacobs says she also adapted other traditional holiday activities to suit her family’s lifestyle.

“My little sprouts absolutely love dyeing their cruelty-free Easter gourds I bought from the local farmers market,” she continued. “They look just like dyed eggs if you squint a little bit, and they’re biodegradable! Jesus certainly would have preferred that. They’re definitely not the easiest things to stuff with Yumearth Organic Gluten-Free Vegan Candies, but when you see your kids open up a package of stickers of baby chicks that say ‘I am not a nugget,’ you know the time it took was well worth it.”

Despite her best intentions, Jacobs’s neighbors are not thrilled with the homeowner’s festivities.

“Listen, I don’t judge what a person does in their own home, but she still has pumpkins out from last Halloween that she says are ‘composting’ but they just keep attracting raccoons,” said neighbor, Jeff Rosencranz. “And don’t even get me started on the ‘happycrowes’ she had set up outside around Thanksgiving — birds have been swarming for months and my wife is now completely terrified to leave the house.”

At press time, the kids were seen eagerly gathering their Easter JUST Eggs, a task they finished within one minute since the large yellow bottles are incredibly easy to spot and Jacobs could only afford to buy six of them.

Shipwrecks Down 300% After Sirens Get Really into Nu Metal

ANTHEMOESSA — Shipwrecks across the world dropped after mythological Sirens that normally lure sailors to certain death with their beautiful songs, suddenly began singing Nu-Metal artists like Godsmack and Static-X, according to a report released by the World Shipping Council.

“The year was twenty-aught-one. I was bait man aboard a fifty feet longliner off the coast of the cursed island. The waves crashed all around us, when suddenly I heard what could only be described the most putrid sound imaginable as a female voice beckoned us to ‘break stuff’ before threatening to skin our asses raw,” said seasoned sailor Michael “Mackie” Keenan with tears in his eyes. “The crew strapped me to the mast as we course-corrected away from the disembodied howls of Jonathan Davis-esque scatting to keep me from plucking out my own eardrums. God help any man who goes near that place.”

While many within the siren community are said to be quite fond of the dulcet sounds of Kid Rock and Godsmack, fish-bird-woman monstrosity and tenor siren Teles is not a fan.

“I rue the day that Coal Chamber CD washed up on our shores. Look, I get it. We’ve been singing the same eerily beautiful songs and luring mariners to their deaths for thousands of years. But can’t we do better than Papa fucking Roach?” explained Teles. “At the very least, can we do something about the clothes? Jnco jeans were definitely not designed to handle this much moisture, and my chain wallet keeps getting caught on my scales. I’ve tried pitching some beatdown hardcore songs to the group but they aren’t interested.”

Despite the hearsay evidence, many are still skeptical of these stories, but cryptozoologist Dr. Zayden Howells explains that it is all too real.

“While the so-called experts offered no concrete reason for the drop in maritime deaths, many sailors have told me confidentially that it’s because of the Sirens’ genre change,” Dr. Howells said. “Rather than lull sailors to sleep and send them to their doom, sirens are now driving sailors away from jagged rocks with cries of ‘ooh wah ah ah ah’ and the sight of unseemly red baseball caps.”

While the siren’s conversion to Nu-Metal fandom is unusual it’s not uncommon. Recently, several witnesses have claimed Bigfoot is a Juggalo after finding a hatchetman necklace alongside some oversized footprints in Northern California.

Nike Suing Lil Nas X For Claiming Their Shoes Only Contain One Drop of Human Blood

LOS ANGELES — Nike announced today they will be suing Lil Nas X and art collective MSCHF for saying their “Satan Shoes” based on Nike Air Max 97s only contain one drop of human blood.

“The accusation that any Nike shoe only contains a single drop of human blood is baseless and false,” said Chad Barrow, Nike’s legal counsel. “Absolute gallons of human blood and suffering go into each pair of Nike sneakers and any implication to the contrary is to belittle the children who shed their blood, sweat, and tears for each limited-edition sneaker drop.”

Brent Wood, a representative for MSCHF, acknowledged the mistake in the company’s marketing.

“I mean, I should have known that saying there was exactly one drop of blood in the shoes was probably underselling it, this is Nike we are talking about after all,” Wood said. “You don’t name a company after the goddess of victory without being willing to shed some serious blood. Honestly, we aren’t really that worried about it. Really, we’re more worried about people dying trying to replicate the blood-laced sole themselves to produce bootlegs.”

Lil Nas X expressed indifference and disconcert when faced with the looming threat of legal action by Nike.

“Let them come at me, they’ll regret it before the case ever goes by a judge because I’ll have already destroyed them in the court of public opinion,” said the 21-year-old artist. “Worst case scenario, I’ll just spin it as one EXTRA drop of blood, you know, in addition to the absolute buckets of hemoglobin already present in your standard sneaker.”

At press time, Nike’s counsel was attempting to serve Lil Nas X with papers but could not catch up with him as he rotated rapidly around a stripper pole.

Lil Nas X photo by MSCHF.

If Hitchcock’s Movies Aren’t Great Then Why Am I Justifying His Sexual Assaults?

I’m a declared cinema expert and Hitchcock lover. Because of my high standards, never in my life would a shitty filmmaker get away with committing sexual assault. That’s just how good of a director the Master of Suspense is.

Yesterday I was talking to one of my fellow film buffs only to have her tell me that she wasn’t a Hitchcock head. She even had the nerve to say that his plots were too reliant on twists and MacGuffin devices.

Some may agree, but one thing remains: If Hitchcock’s films really are as overrated as she claims, then surely I wouldn’t keep defending his creepy personal life.

I condemn sexual assaults but I do try to make sure that they aren’t good artists first. Once a man knocked on my door telling me he was registered sex offender. I handed him my camera and said I needed him to film a movie. When he gave me some uninspired student-level work later that week, I knew for sure his sexual offenses must be judged.

Don’t take things the wrong way, I’m progressive. If Adam Sandler were to ever have accusations come out, I’ll be the first to bring it up at parties.

But have you seen North by Northwest? Rear Window? Strangers On A Train? Remember that iconic attic scene in The Birds? It’s so good its worth Tippi Hedren getting attacked by real birds, some of them tied to her for five days straight until she was hospitalized for a one minute scene where you barely see her face. Cinematic genius!

Maybe Marnie was not a good enough film to look past the fact that he built a secret doorway from his office to Tippi Hedren’s dressing room to assault her. At the same time though Hitchcock had the makeup department make a realistic mold of Tippi’s face for him to keep in his office which is an example of a truly creative creep. Nor would a regular auteur make a realistic doll of Tippi Hedren inside a coffin and give it to her daughter. That takes talent.

Local Band Sets Up Merch Table Outside Mass Vaccination Site

LOS ANGELES — Local band Effigy at the Madhouse Tabernacle were spotted manning their merch table outside one of Dodger Stadium’s mass vaccination entrances this week, perplexed Southern California residents reported.

“At first I thought they were employees, because they kept saying, ‘Thanks for coming out’ to people exiting the stadium,” reported Franco García, a chef who received his first vaccination on Monday. “But when they offered to sign my vaccine card, that’s when I knew they weren’t affiliated with the site in any way. Last I saw on my way out, a few of them were walking up and down the line handing out printed QR codes to their Bandcamp.”

Multiple witnesses complained that the band’s unfortunate signage and merch design were even more off-putting than their odd behavior.

“They were sitting underneath a sign with ‘E.M.T.’ painted in huge letters. I guess it stood for their band’s name, but I don’t think the people approaching their table for medical attention knew that,” said Candice Blais, who was vaccinated at the site last Friday. “But the real problem was the design on every piece of merch: a syringe with a red crossed-out circle over it. I can recognize a straightedge band a mile away from my DIY days, but some people in line mistook them for anti-vaxx protesters. A fight almost broke out before security intervened.”

Band members defended their decision to set up shop outside of the stadium, which they were removed from by force by stadium officials.

“We’re used to the occasional scuffle with venue security, so that didn’t phase us. This isn’t over,” Effigy at the Madhouse Tabernacle frontman Cliff Eaton assured their 57 fans on social media. “There’s no way we’re giving up such a high traffic spot that easily, which I think was pretty obvious from our refusal to back down. But a three-person wall of death is just not enough. COVID really knocked the scene values right outta this crowd.”

At press time, San Fernando Valley residents spotted the band in their drummer’s garage, peeling the red circle-backslash symbol decal off their merch.

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