Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Netflix Orders Several Gruesome Murders for New True Crime Documentary Series

Posted on May 6, 2021 by Bobby Korec

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix announced yesterday that they are ordering a slew of new violent homicides to generate content for a new true crime documentary series, streamers who didn’t want any spoilers confirmed.

“Supply is just not keeping up with demand, so we have no choice but to take matters into our own hands,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings before cackling maniacally for several uninterrupted seconds. “Not to mention we’re competing with the likes of HBO, Amazon, and every time the 24-hour news networks cover a mass shooting in a way that sensationalizes the murderer. We simply must innovate if we want to get ahead of the competition. I’m sure by 2025, all true crime-related content will be micromanaged by corporations anyway. It’s an unsustainable business model otherwise.”

Fans of the genre have high hopes for the new series.

“I for one cannot wait for this doc to shine new light on a killing spree that hasn’t even happened yet,” said Gregory Frothog while brainstorming wacky puns for his new amateur true crime podcast. “Sure, from the outside it looks like these companies are nefariously exploiting the pain and suffering of the victims’ families for massive profit while straight up committing first-degree murder. But on the other hand, they are also providing a service and creating something to have on in the background while I stare at my phone on a Tuesday night. Sort of a wash if you really think about it.”

Experts weighed in on the phenomenon.

“Corporations are people, and people are serial killers, and serial killers are straight white men, and straight white men run these corporations. That all checks out,” said filmmaker Mel Thompson, who is currently working on a documentary about true crime documentaries. “There are simply not enough regulations on these major tech companies. They pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever they want, and they’re just getting more powerful as a result. Unhealthy working conditions? Union busting? Committing brutal murders on civilians for the sake of content? You name it, these companies can get away with it and have droves of people happy to pay a modest monthly premium for it.”

At press time, Netflix additionally announced that they had recently started a religious cult using a Jared Leto look-alike in order to generate content for a documentary set to premiere in summer 2022.

Top 5 Times My IBS Went Total Beast Mode

Posted on May 6, 2021 by Daniel Arnold

Yo, what’s up internet?! It’s about time for an EPIC top 5 countdown about — yup, you guessed it — situations where my IBS was completely debilitating and cost me relationships with friends and family!

Get ready for five experiences that made my colon LIT AF and had me praying to my God to please end my miserable life! So shut your lips, open your eyes, and read about me getting totally OWNED by my failing large intestine.

Grandma’s Funeral (HILARIOUS)
Aww shit, Gam-Gam’s funeral?! You SAVAGE, IBS!! Thank the Lord this poor woman keeled over before she could catch the sights, sounds, and smells of how my body reacted to that morning’s coffee and cigarette. Nothing takes a eulogy from 0 to 10 like the grandson of the dearly departed spraying doo-doo all up on the preacher’s shoes, SMDH!!

County Zoo (INSANE)
Oh you best believe I went literal BEAST MODE with this one! Damn silverbacks were looking like a bunch of NOOBS when the IBS had me turning into a damn werewolf. They say you shouldn’t look them in the eye, but they say nothing about blasting hot snakes through the cage. LMAO! Y’all should have seen their faces!

Lasek Eye Surgery (EMBARRASSING)
Oh that’s right, IBS going absolute HAM mid-procedure. This thing is a goddamn marauder and takes ZERO prisoners! Turns out my terrible vision was the least of my worries. Not to mention I spent the better part of an hour proving my worth to the hot nurse at the front desk, and now she’s spending her lunch break mopping up this morning’s chilaquiles. Had to just take the big L on this one!

Weekly Therapy Session (EMOTIONAL)
So there I was, finally making a breakthrough on why I scream-cry every time I hear “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham! All of sudden, the demons in my head were taken over by the demons in my digestive tract! Go off, IBS! Now I owe my therapist an extra $500 to get her couch reupholstered, like a BOSS!

Friend’s Suicide Watch (TRIED TO STOP HIM)
Talk about AWKWARD! IBS, have you no heart?! I’m trying to be there for my boy in his darkest hour and I have to be like, “Hold that thought Gerald, let me just double over in pain like a baby Xenomorph is about to burst from my abdomen.” Luckily after seeing the state I was in, my buddy figured I was the one that needed watching.

So there you have it, guys! Five of the most painful memories that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days. Who knew poop could hold such a death grip on one’s life?! Oh well, guess I’ll just try to stay away from dairy!

Punk Property Brothers Just Destroy House and Leave

Posted on May 6, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

WILMINGTON, N.C. — Participants on HGTV’s new “Property Brothers” spinoff “Punk Property Brothers” said that the two lesser-known Scott brothers, Cretin and Spider, left after leaving their newly purchased home in ruins.

“As influencers, my husband and I figured a good way to build our brand was to use the money my parents left us to buy a fixer-upper and get on ‘Property Brothers,’” remarked show participant and former homeowner Rebecca Sloane. “We were confused when Cretin and Spider arrived in a stolen garbage truck. I guess we figured they would haul everything out in it, but they just hopped out and started screaming about ‘fucking shit up,’ left the house uninhabitable, according to the city, and took off. We waited for about two hours before realizing they weren’t coming back.”

“I guess this one is technically on us, since we didn’t read the fine print, but I still think HGTV should’ve been a bit more forward with us,” she added.

Executives for HGTV defended the show, citing changing market demographics.

“As the success of websites like Etsy show us, there’s a growing market for people who are interested in the DIY aspect of home ownership,” stated producer Brian Preston. “‘Punk Property Brothers’ embraces the spirit of DIY by allowing new homeowners a chance to build a home, literally, from scratch. It is clearly stated on page 17 of our contract that these are ‘a Property Brothers,’ not ‘the Property Brothers.’”

Critics have universally praised “Punk Property Brothers” as a welcome change from HGTV’s normal fare.

“‘Punk Property Brothers’ offers an entertaining experience in watching the insufferable fucks on this show realize what they’ve gotten themselves into,” noted habitual daytime television watcher Andy Ritter. “From ‘House Hunters’ to ‘Love It Or List It,’ we’ve witnessed the most entitled pieces of shit act as though their manufactured drama was worth anything beyond hate-watching. Thanks to ‘Punk Property Brothers,’ it’s great to finally see someone’s life and house get ruined with no recourse in getting it fixed.”

At press time, HGTV announced the premier of “Straight Edge Hardcore Property Brothers,” specializing in home renovations where absolutely nothing is changed.

Top Four Times We Tried to Watch “The Wire”

Posted on May 5, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

“The Wire” is considered the greatest show of all time, besides all those other shows that are also considered the greatest of all time. Despite many attempts to view and enjoy the allegedly groundbreaking show, like a TV-watching Sisyphus I have repeatedly failed to make it through even one episode. Here are the top four times I tried to watch “The Wire.”

When I Was in That Full Body Cast
Before you get too panicked, don’t worry! I was not injured, but instead had my entire body encased in hardened plaster as part of a kinky sex ritual (that, ironically, ended in a devastating injury). Everything was going great until my dom remembered he had mass that morning, so he left me immobile with my favorite show “Arliss” on the tube. Eventually “The Wire” came on, but at that point the heat from within the cast was so unbearable I passed out.

When I Decided to Try Crack
Like most young adults, there came a time in my life when I opted to give crack the old college try. Although I had never seen the show, I was aware that a number of different narcotics were featured on the program. And if I were to procure some “jelly beans” from a local pusher, the show might give me some clues on how to get started. But here’s the thing about crack: you don’t need to watch a TV show to smoke it. You can just ask a bunch of people, “One crack, please,” and eventually someone will sell it without ever quizzing you about whether Bubbles is a character or some kind of drug slang.

When My Mother Was Kidnapped
After years of my friends insisting that I see “The Wire,” and telling me about how I “just need to watch the first 20-30 episodes and then it gets amazing,” eventually they took matters into their own hands and kidnapped my mother. If I watched the show, she’d go free. And I totally was gonna do it. But then I couldn’t remember my HBO Go login and sort of forgot about the whole thing. This was particularly confusing, as they kept sending severed fingers in the mail and I had no idea what it was in relation to. They must have eventually gotten bored, because later my mom was returned with all ten digits intact. Never did figure out whose fingers they were.

When I Became the Baltimore Chief of Police
Not too long after my two-decade-long crack weekend, which I will henceforth refer to as “Crack Cocaineamania,” I was appointed the police chief of Baltimore County, Maryland. While typically police chiefs rise through the ranks and have some law enforcement experience, that year Baltimore chose their next top cop with a statewide hot dog eating contest. This would have been the perfect time to watch the show, as I knew absolutely nothing about Charm City’s illegal drug trade or even how to find Baltimore on a map. But, you know? I didn’t. Despite this, under my reign violent crime in the city decreased 45%, and I got access to all the crack my rapidly-beating heart desired.

Tattoo Parlor Offers to Cover Up Hate Symbols and Finger Mustaches for Free

Posted on May 5, 2021 by Eli Johnson

LIMA, Ohio – A Midwestern tattoo shop is doing its part to heal the nation’s wounds by offering free appointments to anyone who wants to cover up tattoos of hate symbols or finger mustaches, inspired sources confirm.

“We’d occasionally get customers coming in ashamed of this mistake they’ve been living with on their bodies, and it just didn’t seem right for us to profit off of that,” said Jake Sullivan, proprietor of Mad Hatter Ink. “The beauty of a tattoo is its permanence, but people change, and unfortunately a tattoo can also be a painful reminder of a time when they held attitudes they now recognize as reprehensible. For some, that’s white power iconography. For others, it’s mid-2000s ironic facial hair.”

Sullivan was unsure what kind of reaction his offer would receive, but ever since the announcement, his business has seen a steady stream of reformed skinheads and Reddit users grateful for the service.

“I fell in with a bad crowd when I was a teenager,” said Dylan Hess, one of Mad Hatter’s recent customers. “Things were rough at home, I guess I didn’t know any better. This tattoo seemed like the biggest ‘fuck you’ to society I could think of, and I’m tired of having to hide it. Covering up this handlebar fingerstache will help me move on from the person I used to be. With the help of therapy, I’m hoping to cut down on the amount of ‘Step Brothers’ quotes I work into casual conversation, and think I might be on the right path toward being fuckable soon.”

Employees have taken the task as an artistic challenge, brainstorming socially acceptable designs that build off of hateful and sarcastic iconography.

“I’ve turned swastikas into clock faces, Confederate flags into roses, and it’s actually led to some cool new designs,” said employee Jennifer Haggerty. “I had one customer who wanted to turn their fingerstache into a Pickle Rick, and, well, you have to take baby steps with some people. I do my best, but I’m not a miracle worker.”

Sullivan said there has been so much interest in the promotion that he is considering expanding the offer to include Chinese characters they don’t know the meaning of, dreamcatchers, and the Deathly Hallows symbol.

Opinion: All Cultures Deserve a Holiday That Stereotypes Them as Raging Drunks

Posted on May 5, 2021 by Ted Pillow

When I say “cultural celebration,” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Thanks to the long-term effects of thoughtful, nuanced celebrations like Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day, many proud Americans would undoubtedly answer, “Getting blackout drunk by noon.” Unfortunately, not all cultures have the privilege of being represented as hedonistic alcoholics. It’s time we demand a holiday for all cultures that makes them look like hooched-up winos.

If America is truly dedicated to equality, why should only a handful of countries get celebrated? If you ask me, every nation under the sun should have its own day where white people get shitfaced while wearing a novelty hat and drinking an Applebee’s approximation of an exotic beverage.

It’s not rocket science. You want people to like Japan more? Tell them every September 20th is International Sake Bomb Day. How about throwing Jamaica a bone by making a weekend in August dedicated to drinking rum on the beach? Russia could improve their whole vibe if they spent less time interfering with elections and more time turning some random Tuesday in February into a party where everyone wears big furry hats and slams Moscow Mules.

The best part? It works both ways. In many parts of the world, America has lost favor and is no longer as respected as it once was back in 2015. That’s where the final piece of this diversity plan comes into play. Let’s share our culture with the world! The rest of the world would love that.

We can achieve this by turning our Independence Day into an international holiday. Picture it: a July 4th celebrated across the globe. Kinda like the ending of “Independence Day,” except with all the world’s people decked out in American flag board shorts and chugging Coors Light. That’s what America does every July 4th, anyway.

Post-Rock Band Teams up With Netflix Programmers to Offer “Skip Intro” Feature on Upcoming Album

Posted on May 5, 2021 by Peter Woods

TORONTO — Local post-rock band To Lay in a Store of Sucking Stones unveiled a “Skip Intro” feature designed by programmers at Netflix for their latest album during a joint press conference last Tuesday.

“There has been a large shift in the media environment over the past several years. It’s clear to us at Netflix that viewers just don’t put up with nonsense theme songs anymore,” explained programmer Gwen Pearson. “People don’t want to watch the credits, they want to watch the show. We assumed that music fans wanna skip all of the Halloween sound effects stuff and get to the actual riffs. I, for one, just want to get to the seven minutes of actual music on this album and move on with my life.”

According to the band, the feature was not added just to appease fans.

“The label said we needed to fill an entire album, but we only had two or three minutes of actual music and didn’t feel like working on this anymore,” claimed guitarist Armaan Valentine. “So instead of writing something new, we recorded our neighbor’s dog digging a hole, mashed that up with a rant from our drunk friend, and called it a day. Then, bam: full album in the can. The label is happy, and now listeners have the option of listening to old voicemails that my mom left me, or not.”

“I can tell you that it’s already been a godsend for us,” said Valentine. “Not having to listen to the intros on the test press made everything so much easier.”

Not all of To Lay in a Store of Sucking Stones’ fans were pleased by the announcement.

“This grotesque new technology is going to completely undermine the band’s carefully crafted compositions,” said long time fan Jaden Brady. “It’s like trying to read a novel without first reading the dedication, table of contents, or copyright page. How could you possibly understand the context of the novel without knowing the ISBN number? This is worse than being able to skip episode recaps. Those explain so much of what we the viewer just saw two minutes ago. They’re so important.”

After sharing their excitement, the programmers at Netflix ended the press conference with a warning for musicians trying to use this button prematurely: a recent beta test of the button wiped out the entire discography of an unnamed but prominent noise artist.

Bill And Melinda Gates Say They’ll Remain Fuck Buddies

Posted on May 4, 2021 by Dicky Stock

SEATTLE — Bill and Melinda Gates assured friends, family, and fans that they fully intend to continue working with their foundation, as well as working each other’s pussies, dicks, assholes, and mouths to completion as friends following their divorce, according to relieved sources.

“She’s a real handful in the bedroom,” said Bill Gates of his now-estranged wife, Melinda. “We each know what the other likes. I know how to get her motor running, and I know how to keep that motor clean. And at the end of the day, I’m happy so long as I get her screaming like a banshee in the night. We may not be able to grow more as a couple, but my cock will never not grow when I see her, and I think we should respect that.”

Nearby Melinda Gates was nodding her head and biting her lip as she looked her ex-husband up and down.

“Everything Bill is saying is spot on, and I mean S-P-O-T O-N,” replied Melinda Gates, while pointing at her vagina in between each letter. “Sex was perhaps the only thing that kept this marriage afloat for so long. I mean, look at him, and look at me. I’m an absolute smokeshow, and he and his side part give off major daddy vibes. On the surface he’s just an evil nerd with money, but under those pleated khakis there’s a rock-hard pipe that just won’t quit, and I’m not about to give that up.”

Close family friends of the pair acknowledged they had seen this coming for some time.

“This was a marriage that, at its core, was based solely on the fact that you had two sexual dynamos who found each other and became locked at the crotch immediately,” said mutual friend Warren Buffet. “Outside the bedroom, the fighting was constant. Then one of them would say something wildly inappropriate like, ‘Well why don’t you fuck me about it, then?’ Right in front of everyone. They should have never gotten married. They should have always just had breathless, disgusting, spit-soaked sex, and now it’s nice to know that can happen without love, or the pursuit of love, getting in the way.”

Attempts to follow up with the Gateses to ask how this might affect The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation were unfulfilled after representatives for the couple stated that they were currently in passionate negotiations over who gets to keep the Sybian.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

We Sat Down With the Kid Who Got Expelled for Killing a Dog in Junior High Because He Pulled Us Over and Took Us Downtown

Posted on May 4, 2021 by Anna Walsh

On our way to complete an interview for a deadline that passed a couple weeks ago, Johnny 5-0 decided to do their duty as fascist hall monitors and enforce the speed limit on our ass. Okay, so the deadline to renew our license may have also passed a couple weeks ago, so these blowhards told us to accompany them downtown.

This sausage-necked guy drinking burnt coffee started talking about some kind of “statute” and we realized he looked really, really familiar. Anyway, it turned out we were sitting with the kid who got expelled for killing a dog in junior high. Let’s see what he’s up to now!

The Hard Times: Hey, we know you from somewhere. Oh shit! You were in our 7th grade science class! Miss Bonetti! Shit what’s your name, man?

Dog murderer: I’ve already told you it’s Officer Rinkowski. And I don’t believe I know you.

Nah, we definitely remember you. You were by far the most excited about dissecting frogs. Your haircut is still basically the same as back then. Wait a minute. You’re the kid that got expelled for killing the Skaggs family dog!

I have no recollection of that. You’re facing some serious fines for driving without a license.

Sure you don’t remember, bud. We saw a couple of German Shepherds on the way in. No way you’re allowed near the K-9 unit, right?

I think you’re confusing me for someone else. And this isn’t about me! You were speeding while driving with an invalid license.

We’re just saying, Mike Skagg’s mom still posts about Fluffy being killed on Facebook. Are you not friends with her? Also, how did you become a cop if you were expelled anyway? Oh, you probably had to go to military school, huh? That would totally add up. We bet you were the weird kid there, too. Yeah… probably alienated and ostracized from the jarhead kids. Bet they beat you up pretty bad. Bet they made you want to get even. But not against them. They’re too big and strong. Instead, you go for weaker prey. Prey like Fluffy. Prey like the working class.

…I did attend the Rockwell Military Academy from April of 7th grade to graduation, yes. But that’s totally unrelated-

Wow, small world running into you man! How about in lieu of charges, we promise to update our license, slow down on the backroads, and not run by your supervisor’s office just to clear up any details about the whole dog murder thing? Thanks.

Couple Who Own Air Fryer and Bidet Haven’t Stopped Talking Yet

Posted on May 4, 2021 by Mark Maira

SAN FRANCISCO — Presidio Heights residents Bella and Hilton Dell are close to surpassing the 90-minute mark talking about the air fryer and bidet they recently purchased, guests at a mutual friend’s gender reveal party confirmed.

“Honestly, I just met this person and I didn’t think I was going to find out such intimate details about the inside of her asshole so soon,” explained party guest Dewayne Jessup. “Like, all I wanted to do was grab some hors d’oeuvres and I’m blocked out by some lady telling me they settled on the ‘Tushy Spa 3.0’ because it’s got a warm water setting. I’m not your doctor, I don’t care.”

The conversation took a turn from revealing personal details surrounding Mrs. Dell’s bathroom habits and cleaning routine to cooking strategies used by the couple in their kitchen.

“I planned on dropping by for just a little bit to say congratulations, and the next thing I know I had this guy talking to me about how you can’t ‘overcrowd the basket’ of an air fryer because you’ll end up with soggy sweet potato fries,” said party attendee Janice Doplin. “45 minutes in, he was just listing off foods and the correct amount of oil to spritz on them before air frying to get the perfect texture. Why are you putting oil on the food if you’re supposed to be frying it with the air? This party fucking sucks.”

Ring Camera footage showed the couple blocking both exit points of the home, essentially trapping partygoers inside of the gender reveal party.

“This is a classic case of a couple who think way too highly of themselves, independently, and have zero regard for another person’s time, experience, or enjoyment levels,” said fellow emotional vampire revisewing the footage, Bryce Snyder. “While this does fall entirely on them, there are ways to avoid becoming a victim of the most boring verbal assault ever. Resist the urge to linger around food, never spend more than one second looking out onto a yard, pool, or barbecue grill, and avoid walking down narrow hallways alone.”

As of press time, guests were being held for an additional 20 excruciating minutes after Mr. Dell brought up that they were considering getting a tumbling compost bin and rain water barrel to install in their newly bought home.

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