Yo, what’s up internet?! It’s about time for an EPIC top 5 countdown about — yup, you guessed it — situations where my IBS was completely debilitating and cost me relationships with friends and family!
Get ready for five experiences that made my colon LIT AF and had me praying to my God to please end my miserable life! So shut your lips, open your eyes, and read about me getting totally OWNED by my failing large intestine.
Grandma’s Funeral (HILARIOUS)
Aww shit, Gam-Gam’s funeral?! You SAVAGE, IBS!! Thank the Lord this poor woman keeled over before she could catch the sights, sounds, and smells of how my body reacted to that morning’s coffee and cigarette. Nothing takes a eulogy from 0 to 10 like the grandson of the dearly departed spraying doo-doo all up on the preacher’s shoes, SMDH!!
County Zoo (INSANE)
Oh you best believe I went literal BEAST MODE with this one! Damn silverbacks were looking like a bunch of NOOBS when the IBS had me turning into a damn werewolf. They say you shouldn’t look them in the eye, but they say nothing about blasting hot snakes through the cage. LMAO! Y’all should have seen their faces!
Lasek Eye Surgery (EMBARRASSING)
Oh that’s right, IBS going absolute HAM mid-procedure. This thing is a goddamn marauder and takes ZERO prisoners! Turns out my terrible vision was the least of my worries. Not to mention I spent the better part of an hour proving my worth to the hot nurse at the front desk, and now she’s spending her lunch break mopping up this morning’s chilaquiles. Had to just take the big L on this one!
Weekly Therapy Session (EMOTIONAL)
So there I was, finally making a breakthrough on why I scream-cry every time I hear “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham! All of sudden, the demons in my head were taken over by the demons in my digestive tract! Go off, IBS! Now I owe my therapist an extra $500 to get her couch reupholstered, like a BOSS!
Friend’s Suicide Watch (TRIED TO STOP HIM)
Talk about AWKWARD! IBS, have you no heart?! I’m trying to be there for my boy in his darkest hour and I have to be like, “Hold that thought Gerald, let me just double over in pain like a baby Xenomorph is about to burst from my abdomen.” Luckily after seeing the state I was in, my buddy figured I was the one that needed watching.
So there you have it, guys! Five of the most painful memories that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my days. Who knew poop could hold such a death grip on one’s life?! Oh well, guess I’ll just try to stay away from dairy!