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Punk Property Brothers Just Destroy House and Leave

WILMINGTON, N.C. — Participants on HGTV’s new “Property Brothers” spinoff “Punk Property Brothers” said that the two lesser-known Scott brothers, Cretin and Spider, left after leaving their newly purchased home in ruins.

“As influencers, my husband and I figured a good way to build our brand was to use the money my parents left us to buy a fixer-upper and get on ‘Property Brothers,’” remarked show participant and former homeowner Rebecca Sloane. “We were confused when Cretin and Spider arrived in a stolen garbage truck. I guess we figured they would haul everything out in it, but they just hopped out and started screaming about ‘fucking shit up,’ left the house uninhabitable, according to the city, and took off. We waited for about two hours before realizing they weren’t coming back.”

“I guess this one is technically on us, since we didn’t read the fine print, but I still think HGTV should’ve been a bit more forward with us,” she added.

Executives for HGTV defended the show, citing changing market demographics.

“As the success of websites like Etsy show us, there’s a growing market for people who are interested in the DIY aspect of home ownership,” stated producer Brian Preston. “‘Punk Property Brothers’ embraces the spirit of DIY by allowing new homeowners a chance to build a home, literally, from scratch. It is clearly stated on page 17 of our contract that these are ‘a Property Brothers,’ not ‘the Property Brothers.’”

Critics have universally praised “Punk Property Brothers” as a welcome change from HGTV’s normal fare.

“‘Punk Property Brothers’ offers an entertaining experience in watching the insufferable fucks on this show realize what they’ve gotten themselves into,” noted habitual daytime television watcher Andy Ritter. “From ‘House Hunters’ to ‘Love It Or List It,’ we’ve witnessed the most entitled pieces of shit act as though their manufactured drama was worth anything beyond hate-watching. Thanks to ‘Punk Property Brothers,’ it’s great to finally see someone’s life and house get ruined with no recourse in getting it fixed.”

At press time, HGTV announced the premier of “Straight Edge Hardcore Property Brothers,” specializing in home renovations where absolutely nothing is changed.