Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

For the Anniversary of Roe v. Wade, We Ranked Our Top 5 Favorite Abortions

Posted on January 22, 2022 by Dianne Nora

January 22nd marks the 49th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision that enshrined the right of women to get abortions without excessive government restriction. Since then, Roe has produced year after year of massive hits. Few artists’ oeuvres can compare to Roe’s record of life-changing successes through so many decades, despite the attempts of forced birth extremists to chip it away.

Roe’s haters have had it on the chopping block since day one, but since this birthday may be its last, we’re celebrating Roe in style by ranking our top five greatest abortions:

The One that Saved this Teenager from Being Stuck in Her Hometown Forever
This early hit put Roe on the map and allowed this teen to get out of her shithole hometown and relocate to somewhere she felt safe, supported, and able to experience her full potential. An instant classic.

The One This Mom of Three Got Because She Couldn’t Afford Another Kid
While this one may be mostly appreciated by Roe-heads, those who know it always rank it among their favorites. This abortion helped keep this family afloat so this working mom could support the children she already had. It might not get as much radio-play, but more than half of abortions that occur in the US are had by someone who’s already given birth, so this one is more popular than you think. You heard it here: Moms fuck.

The One That Saved This Woman’s Life After Experiencing Pregnancy Complications
This one feels like a no-brainer, but sometimes a mainstream hit is a hit for a reason. No one should fucking die because they can’t access healthcare Plus, we heard about this one in college, so it’s just one of those time and place sort of nostalgia things, we guess.

The One That Saved This Person from Carrying Their Rapist’s Child
We’d be remiss if we didn’t bring up this Roe life-saver. It never should have been needed in the first place, but since some dickwad made it necessary, we’re glad Roe was there to keep this life-saving procedure safe and legal.

The One This Woman Got Because She Just Didn’t Fucking Want to Have a Kid
We don’t know the details of why this woman wanted to get an abortion, and that’s okay, because it’s none of our fucking business.

Fascist Safe Injection Site Won’t Let Grind Band Post Flyers on Wall

Posted on January 22, 2022 by Goodrich Gevaart

NEW YORK — New safe injection site, Harm Reduction and Education Center, was deemed “fascist” by Marcus “Scuzz” Benitez after refusing to let him put up flyers for his band Rotten Abscess, nodding off sources confirmed.

“I’m a regular here! If I went to a coffee shop every day I know they’d let me put up a flyer!” said Benitez as he dug through a dumpster behind a bagel shop. “I don’t know why these fascists in charge of a place for people to friggin’ shoot up don’t want to let the people know Rotten Abscess is playing with Clit Sucker and Gang Peen at the Avenue D Squat. Service to the community my ass.”

Employees at the safe injection site say the policy against posting flyers at the space is not about Benitez specifically.

“Scuzz got very upset when I told him there was nowhere to put flyers up, but we’re trying to keep it professional here. We’re lucky we got this place off the ground,” says morning supervisor Anna Manson. “We have members of all sorts of bands who come in here to safely use intravenous drugs, I know I see guys from Grim Anus and Spread Kennedys in here every so often. It’s not about free speech, it’s about keeping the doors open. I’m also not sure he understands what fascism means, but we try to just meet people where they’re at.”

Experts in the field of harm reduction feel that presenting a clean and organized space is important to legitimize a safe injection site.

“Imagine you’re a suburban housewife and you’re apprehensive about a place for people to safely use drugs and then you see a flyer for Rectal Mayhem playing a show with Toilet Republic,” says Dr. Anthony Grenson, a board member of the Harm Reduction Coalition. “That’s scary for voters. We don’t want anything tarnishing something a community has worked so hard to get in the first place, especially not for three bands no one wants to see play, even for free.”

At press time, Benitez was reportedly being escorted out of a food bank for complaining the canned goods were “low sodium horseshit.”

I’ve Watched Every Episode of “NewsRadio” and I Just Don’t See What’s So “Dangerous” About This Joe Rogan Guy

Posted on January 22, 2022 by Dan Rice

There’s no denying the dangers of misinformation in the age of Covid, but are we pointing our fingers in the right direction?

I recently came across an article from a reputable news outlet that accused Joe Rogan of using his broadcast to spread misleading data about the coronavirus. I take the threat of Covid very seriously but I have to be honest, I think whoever wrote that article is seriously misremembering “NewsRadio.”

From what I could recall Joe Rogan didn’t even play a newscaster on that show. He was an every-man maintenance worker whose name was also Joe. I decided to binge “NewsRadio” to find anything Covid related and I gotta say, other than a fair share of belly laughs, I came up empty.

People keep talking about how powerful and influential Joe Rogan’s show has made him, but from what I can see he’s not even really the lead. Phil Hartman and Davey Foley really steal the show, and even among the supporting cast, Stephen Root is really the one who shines. Rogan seems to exist primarily as a foil to Andy Dick’s, “Matthew,” and while Joe is made a bit more 3-dimensional later in News Radio’s run, I would hardly call it “Joe Rogan’s show.”

While Joe the repairman does employ some fairly unorthodox methods and “dangerous ideas” when it comes to maintaining the building — methods that if replicated in the home could lead to fires or electrocution — these methods are, for the most part, played for laughs. When he, for example, fixes the light by jamming a screwdriver into the fuse box causing sparks to fly everywhere, I didn’t find myself saying, “I guess that’s how you fix lights.” I was more thinking, “Look at this jabronee, he sure is dumb!” and then a laugh track confirmed my suspicions about Joe’s intelligence.

In the entirety of “NewsRadio,” there was only one episode where Joe was even on mic, when Catherine gets sick and Bill recruits Joe to fill in, fearing a professional would outshine him. Far from spreading dangerous misinformation, however, Joe proved to be a fully competent and charismatic newsman, much to the chagrin of Bill and to the hilarity of me, the viewer at home.

It’s also worth noting that “NewsRadio” ran from 1995 to 1999, over two decades before the pandemic began. Even if the show featured a minor character flirting with anti-vax sentiment (which again I did not find) our reaction shouldn’t be “Hey, that guy is dangerous,” it should be “Holy shit, how did the writers of this ‘90s sitcom know Covid would happen? Did they create it in a lab?!”

To be completely honest I did not re-watch the Jon Lovitz seasons. No one has. I suppose it’s possible that the stress of working with someone so… Jon Lovitzy could make anyone a little off their rocker. If people want to cancel Jon Lovitz on the off chance that he caused the spread of misinformation about Covid on “NewsRadio” in 1998 I’m all for it, but leave Joe Rogan alone. Trust me, you don’t want to make that guy angry. I think he knows karate.

Horny Aunt Loves Your Type O Negative Shirt

Posted on January 22, 2022 by Goodrich Gevaart

OKLAHOMA CITY — Your horny aunt Gladys created an air of tension after expressing a deep and carnal interest in your Type O Negative shirt depicting the top half of Peter Steele’s legendary hog during a recent birthday celebration, familial sources confirmed.

“She kept coming up to me and being like ‘let me get a look at you, and let me get a better look at this lovely shirt’ and then biting her lower lip a little. The whole ordeal made me wish I had just stayed in my room,” you said while searching for a hoodie as an additional layer. “She asked my dad if the thermostat was all the way on high and then fan herself while looking at the shirt from across the table. Things got really bad when she asked if she could get a towel to sit on it because she didn’t want to ruin any of our chairs. It was gross.”

Your aunt continued to gush about the shirt long into the night.

“The music was sexy and spooky, but that Peter Steele was so tall and strong you know he could pick you right up and just have his way with you if he wanted to,” said your aging aunt, four martinis deep, in front of you and your parents. “I know it might be T.M.I. but sometimes if I’m alone at night I watch live Type O videos on my Youtube and have a little fun. I’d do anything to get my hands on that Peter Steele issue of Playgirl and I do mean anything. Those pages have created more cream than a Jergens factory.”

Sex health experts note that women in their late 40s have a higher sex drive and are known to more frequently sexually fantasize than in their 20s.

“As women age, they are commonly more drawn to the sensual side of life,” says Dr. Angela Shengu, Author of “Older, Hornier, Sexier: Why Women Over 40 Are So DTF.” “Women are constantly being asked to repress their sexuality as they get older, and I want to give every woman out their permission to live their sexual life to the fullest, But it’s not great to talk about guys you’ve masturbated to with family members, but when most women of a certain age get a little tipsy it’s hard for them not to fantasize about Peter Steele’s member.”

At press time, your aunt was “calling an Uber” to take her to a biker bar called Smelly’s for “pool and some fun” she explained with a wink.

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We Went to the Modern Baseball Reunion Show but It Turned Out To Be a Magic Tournament

Posted on January 21, 2022 by Eric Navarro

We were stoked when we saw a flyer for a reunion show from our favorite ironycore-turned- sinceritycore band, “Modern Baseball.” We couldn’t believe they were getting back together for a one-time performance starting at noon and lasting however long “seven rounds with a cut to top 8” is.

We were confused at first. Top 8? Are some old Myspace bands reuniting too? But boy did we have egg on our face when we showed up expecting to find a packed hall of unwashed adults wearing glasses and anime shirts, only to find a Magic: the Gathering tournament instead.

Looking back, it was suspicious that the band’s name appeared nowhere on the flyer. But literally everything else about it made us think it was for a Modern Baseball reunion show. First off, it had a picture of a bunch of dorks playing magic. Flyers for Magic tournaments aren’t that on the nose. Second, it was held at a gaming store. A show at a gaming store?! That’s the most “MoBo” shit I’ve ever heard! Plus, they didn’t call it a show on the flyer. They called it a “tournament.” Oh, actually, fuck. That one’s on us.

Anyway, we still had a fun afternoon doing side drafts. While we didn’t get to see Modern Baseball reunite, we did get a picture with four random Magic players who looked exactly like them. Which is perfect since that’s the exact kind of low-stakes, semi-ironic silver lining you could write a MoBo song about.

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Newly-Married Couple Begin Experimenting With Banal Sex

Posted on January 21, 2022 by John Danek

FORT WORTH, Texas — Recent newlyweds and longtime couple Darren Oltowski and Denice Landry have recently begun dabbling in perfunctory, boring, and banal acts of intimacy with each other, disgusted friends reported.

“I’ll admit it, I’m a bit intimidated by banal sex, so when Denice offered the possibility of trying it, I had to talk it over with my therapist,” recounted Oltowski, who was recently tasked with officially breaking up with the couple’s regular third. “I was nervous to try it, but we had short, unenthusiastic missionary sex and were sound asleep like, eight minutes later. It felt so wrong, yet so right. And I gotta say—cleanup is much, much easier like this.”

Denice Landry is relieved to no longer have to maintain the facade that she enjoys wild, kinky sexual encounters.

“For years, we had nothing short of mind-blowing sex involving toys, props, sex swings, and more trips to Lowe’s than a contractor,” said Landry, who thinks she’s closer than ever to the day when she will get eaten out and not have to do anything in return. “But now that Darren and I are married, we have achieved a level of trust in which we no longer put on airs about how wild we are. We are having sex just often enough that it doesn’t have to come up in conversation. And I don’t have to avoid Taco Bell for a day leading up to it, thank God.”

Relationship experts say that most relationships grow and transform in the ways in which physical acts of love are performed.

“You can stave it off for as long as you want, but we all begin experiencing banal sex at some point in our lives,” explained Dr. Sandra Lee, renowned marriage expert. “Some real freaks only ever have banal sex, like those weirdos who get married at 19. Others wait until much later in life. But there’s no reason to get all butthurt about it—functional, everyday sex can be quite enjoyable. And it’s easier to plan with a shared Google Calendar.”

Rumors indicate that the couple is further experimenting with L.L. Bean pajamas in which they can engage in banal intercourse without ever getting naked.

How Was I Supposed To Know My Angry, Problem-Drinking Friend Was Having a Mental Health Crisis?

Posted on January 21, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

That really sucks about Shithouse Seth, man. If I knew he was having a mental breakdown or whatever, I definitely would’ve Tweeted to end the stigma associated with mental health disorders. But how was I supposed to know something was wrong? Seth was just doing what he’s always doing: getting shithouse drunk and fighting strangers.

I never saw this coming. Seth was the most hilarious dude. How is it possible that anyone funny could ever be sad in the first place?

And don’t say some shit like, “All those two liters of piss he left in people’s refrigerators were warning signs.” Because they weren’t. Depressed people don’t do funny shit like that. Depressed people stay in bed all day and listen to Bright Eyes, painting watercolor portraits of animals with their tears.

Before Seth checked into the hospital, he should’ve talked to me. We had plenty of time last week when we were drinking at the bar from open to close. Kegs and Eggs would’ve been the perfect time for Seth to tell me he wasn’t in a good place mentally. But he was mostly interested in talking about this guy across the bar he wanted to punch because of a perceived slight, so I didn’t bring it up. Instead, I told him to knock that side-eyeing piece of shit the fuck out because when I say I’m here to listen, I fucking mean it.

I just wish Seth considered me more of a friend. If so, he might have reached out to me for help with his mental health crisis. Maybe then I could have done something to prevent what happened. If he called me, we could have gone out for a beer to talk over all his problems. Maybe then he’d still be with us at this bar right now. Instead of at home with his family since apparently his intervention worked.

Woman Dies After Doorknob Rips Earbuds Out

Posted on January 21, 2022 by Matt McInerney

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local woman Carmen Sullivan was found dead this morning after the wire of her earbuds became caught around a door handle, causing the device to rip out of her ears abruptly, a police report confirmed.

“While tragic, the cause of death here is obvious—this woman was clearly wandering carelessly through her own home when she snagged her headphone cord on a doorknob, ripping her earbuds violently from her head,” stated Brooks Blackwood, the police officer who first responded to the incident and found Sullivan laying next to headphone cables tangled around a doorknob. “The combination of shock and rage killed her instantly. We suspect no foul play, though we do believe she was listening to a true-crime podcast at the time.”

Clair Sullivan, the victim’s wife, was deeply saddened but not surprised by the news.

“I am racked with grief over the loss of my soulmate, and the earbuds that came with the iPhone she got four years ago,” she said, looking more disappointed than upset. “I’ll miss watching Carmen become reasonably infuriated every time the earbuds wire got stuck in the zipper of her hoodie, and especially enjoyed hearing her scream profanities anytime she attempted to take off her mask while wearing those stupid things. It really didn’t help get us through a tough two years.”

Seasoned pathologist Grace Shah has seen many an autopsy just like this one.

“Unfortunately this sort of accident is commonplace. Clueless dumbasses paying no attention to their surroundings are constantly falling victim to easily avoided obstacles. Skiing into trees, ATV decapitations, cable-related tripping mishaps. Almost anything can be a deathtrap for these preoccupied and unaware people. The earbud rip is not an uncommon cause of death, but it has been proven to be the most infuriating way to die.”

At press time, emergency services had left the scene to attend to a man across town who severely injured himself trying to sprint to a quiet room after his AirPods died during a Zoom call.

I’m Sorry, We Debated It, but Chemotherapy Is Officially an Edge Break

Posted on January 20, 2022 by John Danek

I know that not everyone is going to agree with this decision, but the council of straight edge elders has spoken. After much research and debate, we have decreed in a 5-4 vote that chemotherapy is officially an edge break.

Before you start writing Change.org petitions and tweeting protest hashtags, hear us out first. The basis of chemotherapy involves inserting harmful radiation into your body. Sure, the purpose is so that you can actually live and not die. But it’s still basically taking drugs when you really think about it. And from what we can tell, it’s almost as harmful as marijuana.

I know, I know! I personally was a ‘Nay’ vote, but this is the way the council works. Remember that even after we declared caffeine an edge break and Ian Mackaye personally called us to say “Fuck you,” we held strong.

If you do get diagnosed with cancer, please please do everything you can to get treatment! Get that chemotherapy. We don’t want you to die. But please know that you are no longer straight edge. And if you aren’t now, you never were. So you can’t attend the Monday meetings anymore.

If you do choose to undergo chemotherapy, do the right thing and sell those early Youth of Today 7” vinyls on Discogs. Let them find a proper straight edge home. It’s only right to let them run free in an environment void of toxins and promiscuous sex.

Straight edge emphasizes purity in all that enters your body and life. If you are diagnosed, maybe it’s time to reflect on what carcinogens surrounded you in years past. Are you sure you weren’t smoking? Drinking? Consuming the “devil’s pee” (coffee)? All I’m saying is that I don’t know anyone directly who got cancer who was REALLY straight edge all through their lives. Except maybe like, 11 people. RIP Nana.

I understand that many will think we’re being too strict about this. But hey, at least physical violence and attacks with deadly weapons aren’t considered edge breaks! Isn’t that awesome?

Christian Mingle Sues Parents for Naming Him That

Posted on January 20, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

INDIANAPOLIS — 18-year-old Christian Mingle opened a lawsuit against his parents early yesterday afternoon in regard to his given name, according to sources attempting to hold back laughter.

“It is with great sorrow that I have decided to employ the legal system against my own family. But the years of emotional distress, the childhood trauma, and the pervasive inability to get laid have made the decision for me,” Mingle said, tearfully looking to his attorney for support. “I intend to prosecute my parents to the full extent of the law for such a grave error that has affected my daily life so drastically. It will never undo all the memes, tweets, and tags I’ve been subject to over the years, but it’s a start.”

Christian’s parents, Trudy and Virgil Mingle, deny any intentional ill-will toward their only child.

“We didn’t have the internet until 2004,” said Mr. Mingle, trying desperately to comfort his heartbroken wife. “There’s no way we could have known. We’ve been married since 1990, for God’s sake! We’ve never even seen a dating app. It is a generational entitlement thing, I think. My father, Benedict S. Mingle, got more chocolate candy stuffed in his shirt than a damn piñata, and his mother, shy as she was, was called Tryda Inter-Mingle, and you never heard them complaining.”

The junior Mingle’s friends tell a different story, however, claiming his many romantic challenges throughout high school were directly related to his namesake.

“He’s literally never had a girlfriend,” said Mingle’s classmate Randall Zheng. “At this rate, he’s not gonna get one. Not when his name is literally a dating app for women with hair down to their asses and dudes who look like Jesus. And honestly, he’s sick and tired of getting emails from frustrated virgins thinking they’re contacting customer service. Those started showing up in his inbox when he was like, 10.”

Mingle closed his press conference by expressing hope for a positive outcome, citing the recent successes of plaintiffs, adult woman Ashley Madison, and straightedge/furrycore band XHamsterX.

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