BOSTON — Local crowds rejoiced as legendary hometown rockers Aerosmith showed their Boston pride by performing a set filled with the city’s classic intoxicated racist rhetoric, wicked excited sources report.
“You know, these fucking Aerosmith guys used to be known as Bad Boys from Beantown. But after they went all MTV dandies and got sober, it’s like they forgot where they’re from. It was so refreshing to see them open their set with a bunch of slurs and a ‘Yankees Suck’ chant,” said longtime fan Daniel “Danny Boy” Murphy. “I really loved when Joe Perry jumped down into the crowd and tried to fight a guy that looked at him funny. I saw a couple people leave after an extended rant about how the ‘you know who’s’ need to just stay in Roxbury, I hope they feel wicked stupid because right after they left the band started playing ‘Dream On,’ it was fuckin’ pissah.”
While happy with the results, Aerosmith band manager Tim Collins was initially against the effort.
“These guys have lived in California forever. No one there cares if a Mexican family moves on to your block, but that’s still a big deal here in Boston. I was worried that they weren’t going to be able to connect with the crowd but I guess their decision to play ‘Sweet Caroline’ as an encore was a good idea,” said Collins. “I’m glad they pulled it off. But I’ll be happy when they move to stop trying to remind everyone where they are from. I can’t sit through another viewing of ‘The Town’ and I can’t handle Joey (Kramer) asking me for the hundredth time if I like apples.”
Aerosmith guitarist and Massachusetts native, Joe Perry was honored to feel the love of the town.
“Back in the early days of the band we got all the Beantown love. But you get some money in your pocket and next thing you know you’re drinking fancy drinks at bars that call the cops when you hit your best friend over the head with a pool stick. Some days I don’t even know who I see in the mirror,” said a forlorn Perry. “So this show felt like a return. Today I wore my favorite white undershirt, my thin gold chain, and yelled at a Brazilian family walking their dog near Hyde Park. Go Sox!”
Murphy was unavailable for further comment as he was busy buying forged documents so he could continue collecting disability from the union.
LOS ANGELES — Local fitness enthusiast Gene Davidson is reportedly entering the third hour of an absurdly low-speed chase trying to recover a runaway AirPod that will not stop bouncing away from him, confirmed multiple witnesses mumbling “I hate when that happens” to themselves.
“It started out so innocuous. I was stretching before a jog, and I dipped to the side too fast and then the thing hit the ground and well, that was the beginning of the end. I was almost laughing at the absurdity of how much it was bouncing away from me until I realized I was five blocks away from my apartment in a full sprint,“ said Davidson, completely winded and limping. “Not only that, every time I’ve gotten close enough to snatch it, the fucking thing jukes me and heads in the opposite direction. I’m pretty sure AirPods are sentient and Apple didn’t tell anyone.”
Police became involved after receiving numerous phone calls about the man slowly running down U.S. 101.
“At first we assumed it was some sort of domestic disturbance, but when officers arrived on scene they found this young man lunging for his headphone and yelling at pedestrians to try to stop it. We thought we could put an end to it but the situation has become quite serious as the errant audio device has eluded our officers for three hours, and we do anticipate that this chase is far from over, “said LAPD Captain Henry Novak. “So far, spike strips and roadblocks have proven unsuccessful as the AirPod is small enough to avoid roll through the. At this juncture we’re asking everyone to stay clear of the highway so our snipers can get a good shot.”
News of the runway AirPod quickly reached Apple’s headquarters, where its design team explained what may have led to the incident.
“R&D has put a lot of effort into putting the most amount of sound in the smallest of devices. However, one of the unintentional side effects of making AirPods sleek and aesthetically pleasing is that they are dangerously aerodynamic. Owners have reported earbuds flying under furniture or ricocheting off walls, but if dropped out in the open AirPods can reach speeds of up to 30 miles per hour,” said Apple engineer Logan Handell. “Of course, we’ve never seen anything as bad as this now 20 police car chase down the Pacific Highway, so we are considering installing a governor in future models.”
As of press time, Davidson and the LAPD announced that tumbling AirPod is still at large and a $10,000 bounty has been placed on its capture, dead or alive.
DETROIT — Juggalo scientists reportedly made a “major breakthrough” in their tireless efforts to finally answer the question that has plagued the Juggalo community for generations: “Fuckin’ Magnets, How Do They Work?”
“It’s fuckin’ sick- ass dope work, mutha fucka,” remarked Murderous T, the self-appointed head scientist of the team, pausing and turning away from his work table littered with scrap metal and horseshoe magnets. “Fuckin’, it’s taking years but we’re sure we’ve almost got it. We already got a fuckin’ truckload of celebratory Faygo ready to go, that’s how goddamn close we are, bitch. We have hustle, we have drive, we’re hungry to solve this assed-out mystery. Other scientists keep trying to shit on our work, but fuck them, they about to get a hatchet to the back if they keep bringing their bitch asses around here.”
There is a palpable excitement within the Juggalo community after learning of the team’s near-success.
“We’re psyched as shit. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I’m like ‘how do these round shits hold shit on my fuckin’ fridge?’ It doesn’t make any sense, but the Great Malenko will guide these scientists to the truth,” said Big Fat Joey da Boat, a lifelong Juggalo. “We’ve been following what they’re doing since day one and now we’re just waiting for big news. This is going to start off the dawn of a new era for Juggalos. I hope they can teach us about crows, ghosts, the midnight coast next. Because all those things scare my donkey ass.”
Local Juggalo elder Uncle Skids is also enthusiastic about the work the scientists are doing, but hopes it doesn’t change how Juggalos view the world.
“Back in the nineties we would play with magnets for hours and we never thought anyone would figure it out. I respect these scientists and their hard work and shit,” Uncle Skids remarked thoughtfully, pausing only to gulp down large sips of Faygo and take a drag of a cigarette. “Mad respect. I hope Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope take notice and appreciate the work that this team is doing. And I hope all the young bucks on the come up understand that there are a lot more miracles in the Dark Carnival, like how Shaggy’s boys look just like Shaggy. How the fuck? Spooky man.”
At press time, the team of scientists announced they had hit a major snag in their research after realizing magnets didn’t stick to any aluminum cans of Faygo.
Word around town is there’s an alleged shortage of at-home COVID tests. But if that were the case, how was I single-handedly able to buy up every pharmacy’s stock within a 100-mile radius of my house the minute they were made available to the general public? Something isn’t adding up.
Here I am, shuffling around my home knee-deep in an Amazon warehouse’s worth of rapid tests, and all I’m hearing on the news are so-called “crisis level” stock deficiencies. How is that even possible if some of us have more kits than we can realistically use in one lifetime? Seriously, read the room.
Yesterday I had to use up a whole bunch of my stash before they were set to expire. Thankfully, I tested negative all 135 times. And to think some people haven’t even tested themselves once this morning. Just plain selfish.
I guess that’s the media for you. Always fabricating controversy to scare us into doom-buying the latest trendy products. It’s gotta be bullshit, right? Otherwise, would I be on the phone with Public Storage as we speak asking how many at-home COVID tests I could hypothetically fit into a 5’x10’ unit if push came to shove? I don’t think so.
If there were a real shortage I wouldn’t be forced to resell a handful of my personal inventory for as little as nine or ten times the original price just to make room in my kitchen.
See this closet over here? That’s where I store my extra N95 masks. All 400,000 of them. We have no idea how long the pandemic is going to last and I need to be prepared in case the media fabricates yet another pandemic-related shortage. In fact, we all should. It’s called being responsible. Wait, what’s that about an N95 shortage?
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The excited feeling local punk Cassie Ringo felt when learning of a band coming to town was immediately overpowered by the thought of actually having to go to the band’s show, according to sources who also never want to leave their house again.
“With so much stuff shutting down again there hasn’t been much to look forward to, so when I saw that Sheer Mag were on tour and have a date set here in April, I was beyond stoked,” explained Cassie Ringo, of the Instagram post shared to her story. “Unfortunately, in order for me to see them play I will have to make an effort to go to the show, which involves putting on clothes that are presentable in public, getting to the venue, and then standing there for hours with really loud music playing. Not to mention there will be other people there, and that seems gross. Any reasonable person would agree that this is just too much to ask.”
Fellow good intentions-havers shared Ringo’s sentiment.
“It’s not often enough that a band I like comes through where I live, but you want to know what I can count on anytime one of them does? Myself, to tell six people I know about it, then pretend I didn’t have my phone on me when they follow up asking where I’m at the night of the show,” explained 41-year-old punk Jason Peel. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll be really glad they’re coming through and I definitely want to see them super bad. I’ll always still commit to talking about how I can’t wait to see them for two months, but will in no way be willing to actually do that, not even to catch just their set.”
Plans-canceling experts discourage feeling bad for not showing up at the last minute to just about any social obligation, especially if you “totally would have gone, but just couldn’t make it.”
“If everyone kept 100% of the plans they made, this world would be in absolute chaos. Our highway system is built with the assumption that at least 45% of people who are considering going to a thing will make up something about being behind on work and bail,” said expert social situations-avoider Hilary Lorenz-Fite. “Rather than be shamed for your choice to miss a potentially great evening so that you can stay in your sweatpants and keep watching ‘Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives’ on cable, I encourage everyone to just lean into their decision and make up some bullshit about your roommate leaving the water on or something too boring for anyone to ask much about.”
At press time, 100% of people polled regretted their decision to stay home, promising to attend the next one “for real this time.”
SAN FRANCISCO — Local single woman Maya Cook is taking technology into her own hands after having become frustrated with the amount of time she spends swiping left on software engineers on dating apps, multiple sources confirm.
“Dating in the Bay Area is hard because you get all these guys who came here to make money in a soulless tech job,” said Maya Cook. “I want a man with substance, like a teacher or a firefighter with huge forearms. These techies are everywhere anyway. They might as well do something useful like help me find a hot doctor who also doesn’t want kids.”
Software engineer Kevin Clarke, whose interests include chilling and tacos, was tapped directly through a dating app to assist Cook.
“I was actually really excited when I matched with Maya. She seemed pretty and fun,” said Clarke. “But when I found out she was only interested in me so I could create a filter so she didn’t have to see software engineers on the app — that wasn’t cool. She knows that not all software engineers are the same, right? We’re unique individuals with our own interests. I thought the photo of me standing on top of a mountain in a Patagonia jacket showed that.”
Many dating apps do offer increased filtering options but not without a price, which some say may actually decrease the likelihood of finding a mate.
“Studies are showing that the more times someone swipes, the less effort they put into the subsequent interactions, so people are literally losing out on love,” said relationship expert and dating analyst Amaal Palit. “A woman with photos of herself drinking at brunch shouldn’t have to sift through a bunch of profiles before finding a man with photos of himself drinking on a boat. Having personalized filters to help people avoid guys in Punisher skull shirts or American flag anything would be game-changing for this generation.”
At press time, Cook was seen Googling “what is python.”
LIMA, Ohio — A debate over payment and use of a venue on the outskirts of Lima has reportedly been taken over by authorities from the State Scene after the investigation was initially started by the local scene, sources report.
“For this case to be properly adjudicated, it is imperative that it is done by the books and with the best resources available. That’s why the State has decided to take over this case,” a spokesperson for the State Scene said at a press conference outside Denny’s at 3 a.m. “The Lima scene is just the only guy in town who listens to the Ramones, and that weird manager from Spencer’s. They have no means or authority to make any kind of justified ruling on this case. Besides, they can bitch and moan all they want about it being the same media market, but they know damn well the incident occurred beyond the city lines. This is a jurisdictional matter, goddammit.”
Members of the Lima Scene echoed the State Scene’s statement while also expressing their frustration with the matter.
“This a gross abuse of state authority in a purely local matter, so those poser fucks at the State scene can kick rocks,” read a statement from the Lima Scene. “Furthermore, the event in question occurred in a Lima census-designated area so we’re fully within our rights to resolve the matter. Just because the State scene went to Oberlin and blew Robert Pollard once doesn’t give them any sort of additional punk cred as per amendment V to the Ohio State Punk Commission Charter. So suck on that, you power-tripping fascists.”
Zoning and Urban Planning officials also weighed in on whether the State Scene had overstepped its authority.
“I’m sorry, I have no idea what they’re talking about — the scene? These aren’t actual government bodies recognized by the state, are they?” stated Dr. Steve Bishop, head of the state zoning board. “I really work on city/state matters and admittedly I’m not much of a music guy, so I don’t think I could even really offer an opinion on this. Couldn’t they all just work together or something?”
At press time, authorities from the federal scene had arrived from Washington, DC to take charge of the investigation.
There are a lot of dangerous places to be a political dissident. As we speak, across the world countless people fear for their safety because they have spoken out against the authoritarian regime controlling their homeland. Despite urges from friends and family not to go, we trekked to a fascist, dystopian hellscape to meet with freedom fighters, “Anti-Flag,” to talk about what everyday life is like in Western PA.
To protect the safety of those interviewed, the identity of the band members is being withheld. Each band member will be referred to by the name “Chris” followed by a number.
The Hard Times: Thanks for talking with us. We think it’s really important that the world hear about your lives as political dissidents. Chris #1: It’s important to us too. We gotta do anything we can to speak out.
So first we have to ask, how are you all holding up? We know it can’t be easy living like this. Chris #4: Of course it ain’t easy but we persevere. It’s one day at a time, fighting the power and keeping Mayor Gainey in check. Just tryin’ to keep the three rivers clean, that’s what we always say!
Wow, inspirational. Really gives you a lot to think about. Chris #2: I’m sorry, can I ask, how did you say you were gonna do the names for this interview?
You absolutely can ask that, Chris #2. I can see your fighting spirit the way you’re always questioning things, Chris #2. Chris #2: See it’s just that my name actually is “Chris” so I don’t think the pseudonyms are gonna work. Chris #1: I have similar concerns regarding the Chris/number system.
My word! The iron fist that Allegheny County uses to rule over its subjects must be all-encompassing if you’re scared even while using our sophisticated code names. Hey, don’t you all go by those dumb punk nicknames anyway? What’s your full name? I bet it’s “Chris Crass.” Chris #3: Look, if you wanna know about our politics just check out our latest album. I believe it’s our four-thousandth. But this one really encapsulates the hardships we’ve had to deal with now that we’ve been trapped at home for two years.
Wonderful. Stay strong. Chris #2: So are we seriously doing nothing about the fucking name thing?
SUNVIEW, Ariz. — A local punk scene is committing to their decision to keep well-known abuser and the only keyboardist anyone knows, Matt Hulls, in their graces, according to sources.
“We’ve heard the accusations and are definitely holding him accountable. In fact, just yesterday I shook my finger very vigorously at him. All this manipulation, aggression, gaslighting, and violence are really going to get in the way of his music. Without his music career, how will he uphold unfair power dynamics within the scene?” commented Richards. “We know hundreds of guitar players, worse guitar players who stick to bass, and drummers, but Matt is the only keyboardist. As you can see, our hands are tied. It’d be one thing if we were some big city scene with two keyboard players, but it is what it is.”
Recent collaborators with Hulls, noir-punk band Bathwater, have weighed their options.
“Ok so, Matt isn’t like a ‘bad,’ bad guy. He’s a staple of this community. It’s all about separating the abuser from the art,” reports Bathwater’s vocalist Eric ‘Phlegm’ Cordova. “Honestly, those 17 women that came out against him are playing into this cancel culture trend. Bathwater’s female bassist, Ashley Holland, is willing to not make a fuss about it. Girls like her actually want to protect the scene. Also, no one else cool responded to my Instagram story when we were looking for someone to hop on the synth for the new album, No Boundaries, dropping on Spotify on January 31st.”
Despite frequent overlooking of Hulls’ predatory behavior, many in the scene stand against his inclusion.
“Scott made a lot of money selling ‘Punch a Rapist,’ ‘No Space For Abusers,’ and ‘Punk’ Support Women’ patches and stickers. The zine alone about consent cost 20 bucks,” said local punk Lisa Escarra. “Matt Hulls worked the merch table, and now I am the one canceled for flipping the plastic folded table onto him just like the zine told me to do. I don’t get it, I listen to like, two bands ever that feature a keyboard player, I’m not sure why every single band in our town needs an organ solo all of a sudden.”
At press time, several women within the scene were told to “go learn a real instrument” after stating that they also play keyboard.
A lot of fictional characters have very obvious inspirations. It doesn’t take a detective to figure out Jackie Gleason inspired Fred Flintstone or that Donald Trump inspired Biff Tannen in Back to the Future part 2. Sometimes the ideas for characters come from much stranger places people wouldn’t expect.
Kramer “Seinfeld’s” Kramer was based off of Larry David’s real life neighbor who was also named Kramer. Larry David once caught Kramer stealing his mail so he put a witch’s curse on him, trapping the man forever in a sitcom dimension with no escape.
Travis Bickle “Taxi Driver’s” Travis Bickle was inspired by the diary of Arthur Bremer, a man who attempted to kill presidential candidate George Wallace and failed. Oddly enough Taxi Driver went on to inspire John Hinckly Jr. ‘s failed attempt to assassinate President Ronald Reagan. Even weirder was that the John Hinckly Jr. story inspired the movie 2001: A Space Travesty which inspired a man named Frank Donovan’s failed attempt to say a swear word to presidential candidate Jesse Ventura.
Bart, Lisa, and Maggie Simpson When Matt Groening was a little boy in Oregon, he grew up next to three children named Bart, Lisa, and Maggie who in the thirty years he knew them, never aged a day. Groening originally left for Los Angeles out of fear for what powers they hold, but in the end decided it would just make relatable characters for a TV show.
Jabba the Hut When it comes to “Star Wars” George Lucas borrowed heavily off of his love of old western and samurai films. In the Akira Kurosawa film Yojimbo, there is an iconic scene in which five men crawled around in a sack like a big worm to scare the villagers. George Lucas created Jabba the Hutt as a nod to that film.
Spider-Man Spider-Man was thought up by Stan Lee one night after he experienced a nightmare of a strange man crawling on his walls. When he asked Steve Ditko to come up with the art for Spider-Man, the drawing looked exactly like the man from Lee’s nightmares. When Lee asked Ditko why he designed him like that, Ditko replied “Because I saw him too.”
Larry the Cucumber “Veggietales” creators Phil Vischer and Mike Nawrocki based Larry the Cucumber off of their priest/mentor who was a talking banana. They felt bananas wouldn’t read well in animation, so they changed him to a Cucumber.
Captain Janeway Captain Janeway was inspired by Captain Anne Pilmort, a real life Navy Captain whose ship got lost at sea in uncharted territories but found its way home after discovering new lands. Much like Janeway, Anne Pilmort once temporarily evolved into a salamander type creature. Her ancestors are what we currently know as the modern day mudskipper.
Charlie Brown Charles Schultz based the look of Charlie Brown off of a kid who used to bully Schultz in high school. After years of pent up rage for the bully, Schultz decided what was best for his mental state was to draw a picture of his tormentor every day being miserable in some way.
Mario Mario was inspired by an Italian guy Shigeru Miyamoto briefly stole the identity of in the late 70’s. Shigeru loved the feeling of living as someone else so much that he decided to make an Italian guy the main character of his video games so that people can experience the joy he did of living in an Italian man’s skin.
Hank Hill Mike Judge has often said that Hank’s name is an amalgamation of Haee and Ank.
Garfield
While struggling for work, Jim Davis made money taking care of his neighbor’s cat while they were on vacation. One day he left the door open and the cat ran away. Jim Davis then drew a picture of a cat hoping nobody would notice the difference.
E.T. When Steven Spielberg was working on “Jaws,” he was briefly abducted by aliens who loosely resembled the lovable creature we came to know and love. The aliens told Spielberg that in 10 years from now their species will enslave humanity and Steven will be spared only if he can help create some propaganda making their species look adorable. Unfortunately, the species never enslaved humanity but at least a great movie was made out of it.
Tony the Tiger® and Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal are teaming up to make a huge, game-changing Mission Tiger™ impact on school districts in Boston, Cleveland, Los Angeles, Miami, Orlando and Phoenix — the six cities Shaq called home during his legendary basketball career.
Tony the Tiger
Tony the Tiger was based on the real tiger owned by John Harvey Kellogg, inventor of the corn flakes. Dr. Kellogg would keep the Tiger in his bedroom to keep himself from masturbating.
Pennywise the Clown
When interviewed about the book, King told Rolling Stone magazine, “I came up with Pennywise to express how much I hate the Ninja Turtles. I mean who lives in the sewers? A bunch of clowns if you ask me.”
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