LOS ANGELES — Local fitness enthusiast Gene Davidson is reportedly entering the third hour of an absurdly low-speed chase trying to recover a runaway AirPod that will not stop bouncing away from him, confirmed multiple witnesses mumbling “I hate when that happens” to themselves.
“It started out so innocuous. I was stretching before a jog, and I dipped to the side too fast and then the thing hit the ground and well, that was the beginning of the end. I was almost laughing at the absurdity of how much it was bouncing away from me until I realized I was five blocks away from my apartment in a full sprint,“ said Davidson, completely winded and limping. “Not only that, every time I’ve gotten close enough to snatch it, the fucking thing jukes me and heads in the opposite direction. I’m pretty sure AirPods are sentient and Apple didn’t tell anyone.”
Police became involved after receiving numerous phone calls about the man slowly running down U.S. 101.
“At first we assumed it was some sort of domestic disturbance, but when officers arrived on scene they found this young man lunging for his headphone and yelling at pedestrians to try to stop it. We thought we could put an end to it but the situation has become quite serious as the errant audio device has eluded our officers for three hours, and we do anticipate that this chase is far from over, “said LAPD Captain Henry Novak. “So far, spike strips and roadblocks have proven unsuccessful as the AirPod is small enough to avoid roll through the. At this juncture we’re asking everyone to stay clear of the highway so our snipers can get a good shot.”
News of the runway AirPod quickly reached Apple’s headquarters, where its design team explained what may have led to the incident.
“R&D has put a lot of effort into putting the most amount of sound in the smallest of devices. However, one of the unintentional side effects of making AirPods sleek and aesthetically pleasing is that they are dangerously aerodynamic. Owners have reported earbuds flying under furniture or ricocheting off walls, but if dropped out in the open AirPods can reach speeds of up to 30 miles per hour,” said Apple engineer Logan Handell. “Of course, we’ve never seen anything as bad as this now 20 police car chase down the Pacific Highway, so we are considering installing a governor in future models.”
As of press time, Davidson and the LAPD announced that tumbling AirPod is still at large and a $10,000 bounty has been placed on its capture, dead or alive.