LOS ANGELES — Longtime director Christopher Nolan was accused of a phenomenon known as “IMAXxing” by critics and peers, confirmed sources who demanded answers.
“If you ask me, Nolan’s been IMAXxing because he can’t tell a story on 35mm anymore. Once he got a taste of Satan’s film stock, it was game over for him,” said film critic Ace Watley. “Christopher is clearly taking a hammer to the screen to enhance his aspect ratios and I’m pretty sure he’s microdosing meth to be able to edit movies to be two hours longer than normal. That’s why his last film was six and a half hours long. If anyone should be IMAXxing it’s the porn industry. And mostly because it would make total sense to see a 25-foot-long penis.”
Nolan defended his participation in this bizarre new trend.
“Some people think I am just compensating for something, but really I wanted Matt Damon’s forehead to be two stories tall and then I just kept shooting,” said Nolan. “You know, 35mm film is so limiting. I can tell a much grander story when Batman’s junk is nine feet long, it really draws the audience into the feature when they can really see it, you know? Anyway, I don’t care what anyone says, shooting on 280mm is the only way to film a movie.”
Even Hollywood royalty were quick to accuse Nolan of IMAXxing, including James Cameron.
“Look, Nolan is a hack. I mean come on, he didn’t even force sequels to production that literally no one asked for. I mean for crying out loud, he doesn’t even have seven-foot-tall blue people in his films,” said Cameron. “Of course he’s IMAXxing, only an idiot would think he wasn’t hitting that Black Tar Cellulose for everything he shoots. It’s the only way to film something so addictive that people will sit in a theater for five hours with no intermission. You gotta get ‘em hooked early.”
At press time, Nolan was seen recutting the Batman movies to get a shot of Michael Caine’s totally stacked dumper on a two-story screen.
