Those pigs got nothin’ on you that will stick, so instead of calling that shitty lawyer that screwed up your public intoxication case last time, why not use your one jail phone call for something worthwhile—like requesting your favorite Sublime song on WGRZ 104.1 the only real rock radio left in the damn town? Well before you call up the ‘Fishstick and The Monkey Morning Show’ and get this party started, make sure you request the right song. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, and fact is every Sublime song is about committing a crime or ten. You gotta be careful, or you’ll be stuck Doin’ Time waiting for your Ruca to bail you out of the Jailhouse. Here’s our ranking for the top 20 worst Sublime songs you could request on local radio while you’re in lockup, and don’t forget to give Lou-Dog a shoutout.
20. 40 Oz. to Freedom
The title track to Sublime’s debut studio album, “40 Oz. to Freedom” is the perfect soundtrack for your stay at the Greybar Hotel. Just make sure to enjoy that Colt 45 when you get out, because let’s face it—as soon as you finish, your dumb ass is going to be right back in jail after you have a falling out with your old lady and get so drunk you piss on a cop car.
19. Burritos
This irreverent, apathy-driven tribute to slackerdom is a great song for you to request on the radio from a holding cell—this one is all about the stuff you don’t want to do, so you ain’t admitting to shit, plus you got a built-in alibi that you were in bed all day. Damn, we’re good at this lawyer stuff.
18. Badfish
Yes, this song is about struggling in the grips of a heroin addiction, but it’s masked with enough metaphor that I wouldn’t worry too much. I mean, the cop that processed you had a tattoo of the Punisher logo, a vigilante that embodies the failure of the criminal justice system—just tell them the “Badfish” are the sharks in “Finding Nemo” and the symbolism will go right over their heads.
17. What I Got
What I Got is an all-time classic, and this one starts out great:
“Take all of your money, give it all to charity”
Beautiful, any jury would eat this up. But when we get to exhibit B,
“I don’t get angry when my mom smokes pot
Hits the bottle and goes right to the rock”
Okay, maybe the ‘Mom smoking crack’ bit isn’t great, but we can work the troubled childhood angle in court.
16. Jailhouse
Songs like “Jailhouse,” a spirited Bob Marley and the Wailers cover, are the reason Sublime posters were once a staple in college dorm rooms across the country. What better soundtrack to fight the injustice of that underage drinking charge you copped after the campus police busted up your college house party than a protest song about the youth’s endless resilience in the face of oppression? We don’t recognize your authority, campus pigs.
15. Pawn Shop
According to Sublime legend, Bradley would pawn his and his bandmates’ instruments to fund his drug habit, leaving his band scrambling to find gear before gigs. Oh that reminds us, we may or may not have pawned your Grandfather’s WWII medals for drug money, but we had just enough leftover to post your bail. So, you’re welcome?
14. Saw Red
This underrated track featuring No-Doubt era Gwen Stefani is a dream tag team match of ’90s ska-punk titans. It’s a shame that they never collaborated more back in the day because this song kicks ass, plus you get the feeling the Gwen Stefani of today would see some kids skating from her tinted limousine window and call the cops. Go ahead and request this one on the radio and let the nostalgia wash over you.
13. Santeria
Melancholy, soulful, and with a hint of attempted murder, “Santeria” might just be the perfect Sublime song. Brandishing a .45 and threatening the guy who stole your girl might not win you any points with the guards, but your cellmates will love it. You might be staying a while after this request, so go ahead and get that prison tattoo of the Sublime sun you always wanted.
12. Garden Grove
“Garden Grove” is an ode to life’s little everyday pain-in-the-asses—”gettin’ hassled by the man, wakin’ up to an alarm’, stickin’ needles in your arm”—oops, hold up, it’s another heroin song. Maybe give this one a miss, or you’ll be “pickin’ up trash on the freeway, feelin’ depressed every day”.
11. Doin’ Time
With lyrics like: “The tension, it’s getting harder, I’d like to hold her head underwater,” we were pretty skeptical, but turns out 40% of cops are surprisingly chill about lyrics like that, and the other 60% are completely fine looking the other way. So you’re good I guess? Feels wrong, though.
10. Ebin
There’s a lot of gnarly shit happening in this song—the KKK, Contras in Nicaragua, and a former friend named Ebin getting mixed up with Nazis in prison. But you should be out Monday when your bail gets posted, so let’s not get mixed up with the Aryan Brotherhood for a weekend stay in the clink. Give this one a skip.
9. Same in the End
Bastard, hillbilly, junkie, abuser, Bradley explores how the darkness in our hearts was planted at birth by the sins of our Fathers, and the fight to overcome this crushing burden will be an eternal fight for one’s own soul that you can never fully win. Man, I feel like we really made a breakthrough with this song! Unfortunately, you can’t admit any of this to the law, so don’t request this song and bury those feelings way down inside forever.
8. Get Ready
“Load up the bong, crank up the song, let the informa call 911, and when security police force want to arrive, just pull out the .9, pop in the clip, and let one slip into these crazy fools.” Well, that escalated quickly. Bong rip to shooting cops in one verse, I’m starting to think these Sublime fellas aren’t big fans of law enforcement. Skip for your own sake.
7. April 29th, 1992
This Gonzo journalism-take on the ‘92 L.A. Riots is one of Sublime’s best songs, but whatever you do just make sure you don’t sing along or you’ll be admitting to about 17 felonies and 9 misdemeanors in a holding cell—so maybe leave out the parts about you participating in some anarchy.
6. Smoke Two Joints
Yeah, yeah, it’s not a drug, it’s a natural herb—but until this shit is federally legal, you gotta chill on talking about that good sensimilla on a hot phone. A second joint might be waiting for you when you get out of lockup, but smoking the first one in the ballpit of a McDonald’s PlayPlace is what got you in here in the first place.
5. Let’s Go Get Stoned
Do you want a cavity search? Because requesting this song is how you get a cavity search. You can’t say the words ‘let’s go get stoned’ over a prison payphone and expect the cops not to hassle you about it. But yes, yes we do want to go get stoned at the aquarium and try to steal an octopus when you get out.
4. Seed
This song is about either getting a questionably-aged woman pregnant or getting her addicted to heroin, so either way you’re going down a dangerous road with this request. And considering the only gardening you’ve ever done is that wilted weed plant in your closet, maybe skip this one and ask for a different Sublime song.
3. Caress Me Down
You know what man, if you want to request the filthy bi-lingual fuck anthem about how your ‘mushroom tip’ went ‘drip drip drip’ while locked in a holding cell full of suspected criminals be my guest. Just don’t come crying to us if you find out one of your cellmates has the GI Joe Kung Fu Grip.
2. Wrong Way
Yeah 1997 was a different time, but nowadays you’d get your ass kicked for putting this on at a party, let alone requesting this on the radio from a jail cell. The first dozen words in this song are ‘Annie’s twelve years old, in two more she’ll be a whore.” Go ahead and try, but the next time you’re going to hear it is when they’re playing it in court as evidence.
1. Date Rape
What the fuck, dude? Sublime had three studio albums full of bangers, and “Date Rape” is the one you want to request while in jail? ‘But officer, it’s a cautionary tale’—yeah good luck explaining that one, they don’t even play this song on the radio anymore. And don’t expect us to bail you out after this one.
Yikes, we can already feel some fans glaring hatefully at their screen and questioning our wisdom. Honestly, this is an underrated and overlooked album, and clearly we’re just contributing to that by ranking it last. But it came out on the heels of “Obscura,” a record that just blew apart everything anyone thought they knew about extreme music, and the melding of OSDM with prog is great in some places, but lags in others.
Supposedly an EP, but its run time is longer than freakin’ ‘Reign in Blood,” and nobody ever complains that that’s not a full-length LP, so we’re stubbornly including it in the main ranking. As far as we know, this is the only metal concept album in existence to be focused on a medieval library in Baghdad that was destroyed by the Mongols in the 13th century. The composition of this album is just mind-blowing. The entire piece manages to somehow simultaneously be angular and linear, aggro and atmospheric.
Don’t mind us, we’ll just be hiding in the corner from the outraged prog-metalheads who consider this the Holy Grail of tech-death and can’t believe it’s not #1, or even in the top half. And look, you’re not wrong. This album kicks ass and is almost certainly the most IMPORTANT entry in the Gorguts discography. You know from the opening seconds of the first track that you’re in for a wild ride. Imagine hearing this for the first time when you thought Gorguts was pretty much a straight up death metal band. Your brain would melt. But we’ve got it a little lower because, legacy aside, it feels at times like an assemblage of incomplete ideas, a throw-riffs-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks sort of affair. At the same time, if you are even remotely interested in experimental music, and we don’t just mean experimental heavy music, this is essential listening.
It was a really tough call whether this should be #3 or #2. We went back and forth so many times, you can pretty much call it a tie. This album represents the beginning of Gorguts 2.0, with Lemay bringing a bunch of new musicians into the band…and man, he did not skimp on talent. NYC metal gurus Colin Marston and Kevin Hufnagel on bass and guitar? Perfect. There are some slightly uneven moments here, but the back half – actually, the final ¼ – absolutely slays. In fact, if we had to choose one side of one disc out of all of Gorguts’ records, we just might choose Side D of “Colored Sands.” It’s a tour de force; the other three sides are good, but not THIS good.
This album really hits the sweet spot. It’s ridiculously heavy, but the prog side of things is starting to come into play as well; there are some seriously complex and weird arrangements here. Total “Master of Puppets” energy. You can already hear the madness of “Obscura” taking shape, and music theory nerds can find plenty to dig into, but you can also put it on when you just wanna bang your head. The fact that Roadrunner dropped Gorguts from their roster AFTER they put out this absolute monster really makes you wonder about what was happening with music in ‘93.
Oh shit, you didn’t see this coming, did you? “But Hard Times,” you’re no doubt thinking, “isn’t that their straight-up death metal record? Why would you choose it over their more experimental stuff?” Well, while we acknowledge that “Erosion of Sanity” was a strong contender, the reason that “Considered Dead” gets the nod is simple: It’s a PERFECT straight-up death metal record. In fact, we’ll go you one better: It’s the best debut album of all the late ’80s/early-’90s death metal bands. We see you, “Altars of Madness” and “Scream Bloody Gore” and “Deicide” and “Eaten Back to Life” and “Slowly We Rot.” You’re all wonderful in your own way. But you’re all chasing silver. “Considered Dead” gets the gold. Congratulations, Gorguts. Now let us all rise for a rousing rendition of “Ô Canada.”
I mean look at these dang fluffballs! You’re trying to tell us these living breathing teddy bears pose a serious threat? Yes, they can be on the protective side, but who can blame someone for being protective of the person they love the most? Maybe I should have been a little more like a Chow Chow. Saw the signs coming. A Chow Chow probably would have noticed his best buddy Carl was acting weird. A Chow Chow might have raised an eyebrow when his wife started taking her phone with her to the bathroom every time. Whatever, this isn’t about me, Chow Chows are super adorbs is my point.
With a 600PSI bite and notorious proficiency as guard dogs, some people shy away from Dobermans. Well first off, we don’t train Dobermans to be guard dogs because they are inherently vicious, we train them because they are intelligent enough to be trained and perform a function. That intelligence can just as easily be used to form a wholesome, familial bond. Without attack training, they are total sweeties. Secondly, and I’m speaking from experience here, a 600 PSI bite is nothing compared to the pain of betrayal. That’s a pain only a human who is close to you can inflict. I took a vow on my wedding day, and to me that actually means something.
At first glance, Boxers look like big dopey goofballs, and that’s because they are big dopey goofballs! Yes, they are strong dogs with a lot of energy, but they also have a lot of love. You’ll want to properly train them from a young age if you want to add one to your family, but if you do, your family will have one of the sweetest, most loyal companions in the world. Loyalty. Man. That’s hard to come by these days, isn’t it? Like, you think you know a guy, you open up to him about your problems and what does he do? He weaponizes that information and stabs you in the back that’s what. Again, not trying to make this about me, I’m just saying when a boxer lets you vent to them at least they don’t have ulterior motives, unlike Carl.
Wow, racist much America? Labrador retrievers, who often happen to be black, are essentially the same breed as golden retrievers, but while the latter is widely regarded as a big dopey sweetheart, the former gives some people pause. I honestly feel sorry for those people sitting on their porch eyeing black labs with suspicion while meanwhile, behind their backs, their so-called best friend is opportunistically taking advantage of the fact that you and Beth have hit a rough patch just to bang in a Motel 6! Or, like, whatever, something more universal than that.
These are extremely misunderstood pups. Maybe it’s their wolf-like appearance that freaks people out, but you can’t judge a book by its cover. My parents adopted a Husky by the name of Snowpaw, and he’s just about the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. Every time I go over here I look into his pale blue eyes and I see a beautiful soul, totally incapable of betraying my trust and seducing the woman I love. Sure, they have strong survival instincts, but who can fault them for that? When the chips are down, when the love you’ve come to take such comfort and security in is suddenly swept out from under you like a tablecloth in a magic trick and you’re left with nothing but the shirt on your back, that’s all you can do—survive.
It’s ironic that we call certain breeds “bullies” when we’re the ones who bully them! Sure Bullmastiffs are big, intimidating, and could seriously hurt you if they wanted to, but they don’t want to! Usually, they just want you to throw a ball or give ’em belly rubs! Actual instances of bullmastiffs attacking humans are extremely low, and that’s something to celebrate in a world where even the person you love and trust the most can succumb to the advances of a snake in the grass pretending to be your friend. I mean that metaphorically, I’m not just talking about Carl. He is a snake though. You hear me, Carl? You’re a fucking snake!
Unlike their cousin, British bulldogs, these guys were bred for farm work and as a result, they are incredibly muscular. I’ll admit I was once almost knocked to the ground by an American bulldog, but only because he was excited to see me, and he caused me no further harm other than trying to lick my dang face off! I’ll tell you what a real knock to the ground is—having a guy you’ve considered a brother for over a decade, someone you planned to get a matching tattoo with at one point, “accidentally” send dick pics to your wife after you opened up to him about the romantic problems you two were having. Where’s Carl’s muzzle? If a condo association was all like “Yeah, you can have friends here, but not Carl, because of the risk involved,” that I would understand, but American bulldogs? Nah, leave ’em alone.
German Shepherds make up a large percentage of dog attacks, but that statistic is skewed by the fact that they are favored by the military and law enforcement. Again, the same intelligence that makes them highly trainable can make them sweet, loving additions to your family. They do tend to be territorial, but sometimes an animal is within its rights to be territorial. That was my wife you bastard.
My WIFE Carl! How the fuck could you do this to me? To us?! Does the sanctity of marriage mean nothing to you? What about the sanctity of friendship Carl?! You destroyed two relationships in one moment of passion, I hope it was worth it you piece of shit! What was I doing again? Oh yeah, rottweilers. They’re great.
Coming in number one, the most misunderstood and unfairly maligned breed on the list, the pit bull. Call them velvet hippos, call them land seals, but don’t call them dangerous! Remember, dog fighting is a human invention, and when they aren’t raised to be attack dogs a pitbull is one of the sweetest and most loving creatures on God’s green earth. I’m fostering a pity right now, and no matter how much I wave a picture of Carl’s dumb fucking face in front of him and say “Kill!” all this guy does is wag his tail and demand belly rubs. Maybe I would have better luck training an attack cat?
