Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Dear Black Metal Fans: I’m Not a Satanist, I’m Just a Goat

Posted on May 25, 2022 by Sam Eardley

Dear black metal fans, this may come as a shock to many of you but I am not a Satanist. Despite my appearance and everything you think you know about my kind, I do not represent the satanic. I’m no symbol. I’m just a goat.

I can assure you that not all goats worship Satan. Sure, we may be godless, hard-headed, and phallic, but our similarities to your genre are purely a matter of coincidence.

I take particular exception to the use of our species in the names of your bands. Do you think it’s clever to name your band’s things like “Goat Fetus” or “Goat Orgy” or “Goatfisted?” It’s a pathetic, childish attempt to shock. Anyone can just string vulgar words together and add the word “goat.” How would you feel if a bunch of goats started bleating together and called themselves “The Virgins Who Wished they Were Scandinavian?”

I live at the goat enclosure of a petting zoo, which seems to have become quite a magnet to the local black metal scene. And to be fair, some of you are actually quite sweet and have good taste in pellets. That said, it can be a little patronizing when one of you tickles my beard and says, “Who’s a representation of satanism? You are! Yes you are! Yes, you are!”

Someday I hope we can live in a world where someone’s appearance doesn’t dictate how they are perceived by the outside world. And so should you, black metal fans. Every single time you walk away from my enclosure, the next group of patrons makes so much fun of your dumb clothes.

Band Agrees to Practice Song Drummer Wrote but Say It Counts as Both His Birthday and Christmas Present

Posted on May 25, 2022 by James Knapp

ELLENSBURG, Wash. — Members of local skiffle-punk revival band Rat Boy and The Cheese Police agreed to practice a song written by the group’s drummer, but insisted that he won’t be getting any other gifts for the rest of the year now, stingy sources confirmed.

“We really try not to spoil Frankie [Sepsel], but the little guy was just so excited to have us practice that song, it would have been heartless of us to say no,” explained guitarist Davis Pless while writing songs that the band was planning to actually record. “We made sure he knew that if we did this that it meant he wouldn’t be getting any more presents, that includes his birthday, Christmas, and National Drummer Day. We’re pretty sure he understood, but you know how drummers are. The last time we tried this he got all huffy when we reminded him he wouldn’t be getting new cymbals since we let him mindlessly play fills during our onstage banter one time.”

Sepsel was enthusiastic about the band’s decision to practice his song.

“This really is fantastic. I don’t often write for Cheese Police, but when I do, boy, it’s gonna knock your socks off!” exclaimed Sepsel, apparently under the impression that he was in some way contributing to the group’s creative process. “I don’t mean to toot my own horn too much here, but based on the pensive silence I got from the rest of the band after I asked them what they thought of my song, I’ve got a feeling this might be our first single on the new record.”

Producer Terry Grudger, who has recently been working with the band on their forthcoming record, gave his thoughts on Sepsel’s attempted track.

“Yeah, I didn’t even bother to hit record when they agreed to play that fucking song. I’m not going to waste the digital bandwidth even if it’s easy to delete,” remarked Grudger. “As far as drummer songs go it wasn’t the worst I’ve ever heard. That’s about the most glowing praise that thing’s ever gonna get. I’ve had to listen to a lot of drummer songs and, while it’s nice the rest of the band humors them, it’s really just cruel to get their hopes up like that.”

At press time, Rat Boy and The Cheese Police were considering breaking up after Sepsel offered to “punch up” some of the band’s lyrics.

Photo by Jana Miller.

How To Hide From Your Friends That the Haunted Dummy From the Goosebumps Books Still Terrifies You in Your 30s

Posted on May 24, 2022 by Amanda Russel

So you’re a thirtysomething with your shit somewhat together. You’ve grown up at least to the point of running your own life and you’re finally feeling comfortable considering yourself a “grown-up.” But you have a deep, dark secret. You’re still absolutely, pants-shittingly terrified of Slappy, the dummy from the Goosebumps books.

Being scared shitless of a children’s book well into your thirties is humiliating and you certainly want to hide this fact from your friends. But you’re right to be fearful! That cursed ventriloquist dummy shows up straight from hell and ruins lives. He turns your family and friends against you and makes them believe you’ve turned into an evil piece of shit, just like him. Plus, every time you try to get rid of him, he finds you again! Having Slappy in your life is a lot like dating a sociopath, except worse because ventriloquism is involved.

Besides constantly checking over your shoulder for an evil dummy, you also need to ensure none of your very cool and chill friends witness a Slappy-related meltdown. Here are some places to avoid if you want to hide this embarrassing, but totally reasonable, fear:

Attics
Besides being creepy as fuck and full of fiberglass and spiders, attics are rife territory for dummy encounters. The lore behind “Night of the Living Dummy II” tells us that Slappy and his family hang out in attics. All of these facts disqualify attics from places you will hang out.

Old-timey antique shops run by a sinister older character
Old-timey shops are a big nope in general. The owner is always suspect and will subtly drop hints to purchase only the most haunted artifacts. Old-timey antique shops are also cramped so if a dummy comes to life, running out of there is going to be almost as dangerous.

Puppet shows
It goes without saying that dummies are a kind of puppet so it’s important to avoid puppet shows and any other puppet-related gatherings in general.

Open mic nights
There’s always one bad ventriloquist and their dummy will be haunted. Also, don’t go to these with your friends. Never a good time.

The 1920s Vaudeville scene and its enthusiasts
Enthusiasts of Vaudeville should be avoided entirely as there is always a dummy lurking in someone’s old leather suitcase. It can and will pop out at any moment. There are many signs that vaudeville enthusiasts could be skulking around close by such as Charleston dancing, Great Gadsby-themed parties, flapper attire, old theaters with heavy velvet drapes for curtains, Charlie Chaplin costumes, and anyone walking around with a comically large curved cane.

Socially Anxious Man Single and Ready to Mingle with Party Host’s Dog

Posted on May 24, 2022 by Bobby Korec

STONY BROOK, N.Y. — Lifelong socially anxious man Max Trembolt revealed to a group of friends that he was single and ready to mingle with the party host’s dog tonight, confirmed sources who strangely enough had the same exact gameplan.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea and this one just so happens to love belly rubs,” said Trembolt before retreating to the bathroom for 20 minutes to take an additional anxiety-alleviating breather. “My girlfriend and I recently broke up, so I got dressed to the nines and am ready to play the field here with Rocco McFluffypaws specifically. All that said, this party is already going way better than the one last week when the host’s only pet was a tarantula. Even though I’ve dealt with social anxiety for years, there’s only so long you can instinctively avoid eye contact with all eight eyes of an exotic spider before having to try to talk to someone. Thank God for people with normal pets.”

Lane Dracon hosted the party seemingly knowing that their dog would be the life of it.

“You know what they say. Dogs are a man’s best emotional support animal,” said Dracon before instituting a stern 15-minute maximum petting limit so everyone can get a turn. “I’ve seen as many as six different people simultaneously petting my dog all while actively avoiding conversation with each other and staring at the ground. I swear, more people interact with my dog at parties than they do me. That must be why guests frequently say goodbye to my dog and forget me altogether. Like, hello! My dog didn’t pay for all these microwavable jalapeno poppers and Schlitz beer. The credit card I stole from my parents did.”

Experts noted how parties are a giant struggle for those who suffer from social anxiety.

“Social phobia affects millions of people and it’s at its peak at get-togethers,” said psychologist Lucy Gray. “Thankfully, people are more sympathetic to it than ever before. We’re actually seeing more people adopt dogs for the sole purpose of relieving their party guests’ anxieties. Soon enough, every gathering is going to require at least one dog per partygoer to make sure everyone is comfortable. Until then, no one should expect to have a good time at your party.”

At press time, Trembolt suddenly noticed the party host’s cat, which opened up a whole new world of anxiety-relieving possibilities for the evening.

I Would Go to My Kid’s Baseball Game if It Didn’t Fall on the Same Day as This Rare Beer Release

Posted on May 24, 2022 by Zach Hudson

As parents, we have to make sacrifices all the time. Any parent will tell you this. You can miss your kid’s first steps because you’re away for work. You may have to miss your kid’s middle school graduation because your mother had a health emergency. And sometimes you have to miss your kid’s baseball game because Barrel Alchemy Artisanal Brew Works is releasing Double-Barrel Aged Fudge Brownie Batter Supreme Stout Aged on Coconut and Cayenne Pepper, and Triple Dry Hopped Dank Forge with Galaxy and Centennial Double IPA on the same day.

Look, it’s not that I don’t want to go to the game. I love watching my son disappoint me. I’m devastated to have to miss it. But what I really, really can’t miss is this release. I told my wife to record the game so we can all watch it together at home tonight. I’ll get to relive this special moment with my son all while sipping on one of these white whales. Everybody wins.

I’m sure you’re probably thinking about how selfish I am but this actually benefits my son. Guys on my beer trade forums are already offering me $250 a bottle for the Fudge Brownie Batter Supreme so if I get the full allotment of 5 bottles, which I should since I got in line at 6 AM, I can sell two of them and get my son a new bat and glove. Or I can save it for the release of an even rarer beer.

It’s still early in the season and there will be plenty of other games. You can bet I’m planning on going to all of them, even the away ones. You don’t see all of the other dads going to the away games! I just can’t go to the one on the tenth, because Hop Rave is releasing Exxxtra Sour Smoothie: Green Apple Blue Raspberry and the brewery already announced there’s a one case limit per person.

Four Hour Description of Every PA System in Music Store Ends in Musician Buying Cheapest Option

Posted on May 24, 2022 by Peter Woods

OMAHA, Neb. — Local guitarist Sebastian Melendez purchases the most inexpensive PA at his regular music equipment store following a detailed, four-hour description of every single PA system available, confirmed frustrated sources.

“I knew my budget was pretty limited, but I felt pretty embarrassed just walking in and saying ‘sell me the cheapest piece of shit you have please,’ so I made sure I reviewed all my options,” said Melendez. “When the salesperson started in on their presentation, it was clear they had spent a lot of time practicing. So I felt bad telling them to stop. I realized after maybe 20 minutes that this was going to go on for a while, but it was definitely too late to stop them. Especially because he kept calling me ‘Champ,’ which felt really cool.”

According to The Rock Hut employee Avery Kent, the inevitability of the final purchase seemed far less certain at the outset.

“This would have been the first time I moved something other than a second-hand Behringer, so I really wanted to land the sale,” said Avery while chain-smoking cigarettes on their break. “I was really bringing my A-game and hyping up all of the features on the high-end systems. And the customer was acting like they were right there with me, nodding along and saying stuff like ‘oh wow’ and ‘cool’ a bunch. I even offered to load it into the car for the dude, but that wasn’t enough I guess.”

“I guess I’ll just take my $8 of commission and try to convince my landlord to let me have another extension,” added Kent.

While this approach to purchasing a PA system may seem unusual, experts agree that it’s more common than most realize.

“This fits pretty squarely within most purchasing trends, to be honest,” said Glenna Sloan, a music equipment sales analyst. “Guitarists will ask hundreds of questions about the most expensive strings and then just buy whatever Ernie Balls are on sale, that sort of thing. The only time it changes is if the sales representative is really hot. Then the musician will buy the most expensive thing they can afford to try to impress them. Although research also shows that this attempt at impressing hot people never results in getting a phone number.”

At press time, Melendez had reportedly already blown both speakers and one tweeter despite “setting everything up right, I think.”

Letterboxd User Accidentally Writes Coherent Review

Posted on May 23, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Amateur movie critic and frequent Letterboxd user Riley Nelson somehow fell ass-backward into writing a review that featured a clear structure, thoughtful arguments, and a sensible word count, confirmed shocked readers.

“Usually right after I watch a movie, I’m pulling up the app and figuring out whether I want to write an essay centered around a philosophical concept I plagiarized from a YouTube video or if I want to make an extremely tenuous connection between it and another work of art,” said Nelson, a graduate student who once devoted 780 words to describing supposed parallels between “Videodrome” and R.E.M.’s “Murmur.” “But all I could come up with for Billy Wilder’s classic noir ‘Double Indemnity’ was a couple of paragraphs about Fred MacMurray and Barbara Stanwyck’s chemistry and the quality of Wilder’s staging and the cinematography. I feel like such a hack.”

Leah Barber, one of Nelson’s 2,452 followers, said she was taken aback upon seeing his cogent review in her feed.

“I had gotten so used to just scrolling past any review written by ‘cryogeneric’ because they’re read like someone’s graduate thesis where every sentence is more incomprehensible than the one before it,” said Barber. “But this was actually pretty well-written and he even made a good point of how working within the confines of the Hays Code arguably made the movie more effective. I had to double-check to make sure it was the same guy who started a review of ‘Mystery Men’ with the sentence, ‘Ontology is perhaps the most misunderstood subset of metaphysics.’”

Alex Reed, a professor of film studies at Columbia University, said that Nelson’s experience is similar to that of many Letterboxd users.

“Every day, hundreds of 20-something ‘cinephiles’ join Letterboxd with the misguided notion that their analysis is insightful rather than completely incoherent,” said Reed. Some are masochistic enough to continue this Sisyphean ordeal. Others, like Nelson, gradually come to realize, in terms of critique depth, they’re less Andrew Sarris and more Chris Stuckmann and stop trying so hard.”

At press time, Nelson was watching “Lost Highway” while re-reading “Titus Groan” to see if any similarities could be found.

Class Division Kept Alive by Man Mocking Friends Who Use Hulu With Ads

Posted on May 23, 2022 by Rachel Steele

CONCORD, N.H. — Local trust fund kid Gil Winchester once again mocked his friends for electing to watch a more cost-effective version of Hulu with advertisements and commercials instead of the commercial-free premium package, frustrated sources confirm.

“Call me crazy, but I get a little annoyed watching the same for Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines commercial every eight fucking minutes. I prefer watching my shows uninterrupted and I don’t understand why some people can’t shell out a couple extra bucks to make that happen,” said Winchester. “Sometimes I wonder why I’m even friends with these people. They are always complaining about their jobs, inflation, and ‘making ends meet’ and I want to be like ‘bro, I have problems too. My Dad’s stock portfolio took a huge hit and we might have to wait a week to get our third boat.’”

Tony Miller, one of Winchester’s oldest friends, confirmed he indeed watches Hulu with ads.

“I guess it’s just a matter of priorities. I enjoy the time I get to myself watching TV, but I also have a baby to raise. And diapers aren’t cheap lately,” said Miller. “Gil and I went to college together. He loves to throw his weight around any chance he gets. No one heard the end of it when he got a new SUV and a huge promotion at his parent’s law firm. Yesterday he asked me why I still live in a one-bedroom apartment when there are bigger houses for sale in my town, right before laughing at me for driving the same used car for the past decade.”

Representatives for Hulu say they hold all subscribers in high regard no matter which streaming option they choose.

“We just wanted to create entertainment experiences for everyone. Ad revenue is a big part of our income, we couldn’t just get rid of them, but we never thought creating two different payment options would cause such division,” said Hulu president Joe Earley through stifled laughter. “No I’m just kidding, we totally saw that coming, why do you think we separated those options in the first place? No one pays premium Hulu prices for quality original content like they expect with Netflix. They pay it to flex on their poor sucker neighbors.”

At press time, Winchester explained he does not plan to stop using his sister’s Netflix account, stating, “Fuck those prices.”

Bro, Wait Until You Try My Home-brewed Hard Seltzer

Posted on May 23, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

Ew bro, put that White Claw down. Do you actually think that mass-produced piss water is good? Bro, wait until you try my next batch of home-brewed hard seltzer.

Honestly, who wants to drink a macro seltzer when you can have an artisanal hard seltzer that was brewed, fermented, and served at room temperature from a one-gallon jug in my basement? You’ll love these new flavors I’m working on and the stupid names I gave them that don’t remotely hint at what they taste like will only make you love them more! Wanna know what “Pocket Chalk” tastes like? Well, let me pour you a glass of under carbonated, cloudy booze water from this giant brown bottle and find out.

You don’t have to like it but I’m not going to break eye contact until you drink some and tell me how great it is.

I got into the seltzer game the first time I blacked out day-drinking White Claws. That night, after throwing up on the couch, I ordered 15 gallons of Dasani, a bunch of Soda Streams, and pounds of yeast. When the boxes showed up, I tossed my hops and two-row malt in the trash and began my life as a seltzer man.

At first, I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I tried flavoring my first seltz by throwing a handful of cherry Jolly Ranchers straight into the tank instead of sucking on them and spitting the juice back into the wort. I also used Sunny D instead of water once so that batch was like 34% alcohol. I drank a few and shit myself in broad daylight at my nephew’s birthday, so you know it was totally enjoyable.

That said, please don’t mention this to my landlord or anyone at the health department. Legally, it’s not very big dick energy to brew these in a school zone. Oh, and if you liked that, you should take a drink and then get a rip of my homemade vape juice.

Friend Group Terrified of Guy With 20,000 Records Moving Someday

Posted on May 23, 2022 by Tim Graham

RALEIGH, N.C. — Friends of record enthusiast Tom Montgomery expressed grave concern that they may be asked to help move his massive collection one day, sources close to the out-of-shape group of friends revealed.

“I love Tom like a brother,” said Montgomery’s longtime friend, Chris Pérez. “But Jesus Christ, enough with the records. I get it, he loves music. So do I, but I use Spotify like a normal person. And he lives in a third-story walk-up! The rest of us have been divvying up excuses for if and when the time comes. I’m using ‘bad back,’ which is actually sort of true. Mike’s got ‘dead grandma.’ Phoebe’s lucky — she’s got a kid, which is kind of a bulletproof excuse for getting out of stuff. We’re worried about Nate, though. He’s got a truck, so Tom’s going to hammer him pretty hard.”

Montgomery’s girlfriend, Diane Clem, has her own concerns regarding her partner’s mountain of vinyl.

“Our apartment is kind of small and all of our shelf and closet space filled with records he never looks at. Tom likes to think he’s a DJ and says he needs all those old records to find obscure drum breaks or basslines,” said Clem. “He actually works at a hardware store. When he does get around to making music, he’ll just grab samples from YouTube. I gently suggested that he sell the records so we could start saving for a future together, but he looked at me like I kicked a dog.”

In addition to putting a strain on friendships, the sheer physical weight of a massive record collection can pose the risk of catastrophic failure in older buildings, according to structural engineer Mitchell Bodio.

“These old apartment buildings in gentrified, hip neighborhoods are a ticking time bomb,” said Bodio. “The framing wasn’t meant to support thousands of pounds of records. At a recent city council meeting, I proposed placing people with excessive Discogs purchases on a registry and performing regular integrity checks on their buildings’ joist systems. They laughed at me! But guess who’ll be laughing when the next crate digger’s apartment building pancakes and crushes an orphanage or a pet shop? Well, I guess I won’t be laughing, I’ll feel sad. But also vindicated.”

At press time, another group who wished to remain anonymous were meeting to brainstorm excuses after their friend with a large vintage arcade cabinet collection announced his intention to move across town.

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