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Bro, Wait Until You Try My Home-brewed Hard Seltzer

Ew bro, put that White Claw down. Do you actually think that mass-produced piss water is good? Bro, wait until you try my next batch of home-brewed hard seltzer.

Honestly, who wants to drink a macro seltzer when you can have an artisanal hard seltzer that was brewed, fermented, and served at room temperature from a one-gallon jug in my basement? You’ll love these new flavors I’m working on and the stupid names I gave them that don’t remotely hint at what they taste like will only make you love them more! Wanna know what “Pocket Chalk” tastes like? Well, let me pour you a glass of under carbonated, cloudy booze water from this giant brown bottle and find out.

You don’t have to like it but I’m not going to break eye contact until you drink some and tell me how great it is.

I got into the seltzer game the first time I blacked out day-drinking White Claws. That night, after throwing up on the couch, I ordered 15 gallons of Dasani, a bunch of Soda Streams, and pounds of yeast. When the boxes showed up, I tossed my hops and two-row malt in the trash and began my life as a seltzer man.

At first, I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I tried flavoring my first seltz by throwing a handful of cherry Jolly Ranchers straight into the tank instead of sucking on them and spitting the juice back into the wort. I also used Sunny D instead of water once so that batch was like 34% alcohol. I drank a few and shit myself in broad daylight at my nephew’s birthday, so you know it was totally enjoyable.

That said, please don’t mention this to my landlord or anyone at the health department. Legally, it’s not very big dick energy to brew these in a school zone. Oh, and if you liked that, you should take a drink and then get a rip of my homemade vape juice.