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Dear Black Metal Fans: I’m Not a Satanist, I’m Just a Goat

Dear black metal fans, this may come as a shock to many of you but I am not a Satanist. Despite my appearance and everything you think you know about my kind, I do not represent the satanic. I’m no symbol. I’m just a goat.

I can assure you that not all goats worship Satan. Sure, we may be godless, hard-headed, and phallic, but our similarities to your genre are purely a matter of coincidence.

I take particular exception to the use of our species in the names of your bands. Do you think it’s clever to name your band’s things like “Goat Fetus” or “Goat Orgy” or “Goatfisted?” It’s a pathetic, childish attempt to shock. Anyone can just string vulgar words together and add the word “goat.” How would you feel if a bunch of goats started bleating together and called themselves “The Virgins Who Wished they Were Scandinavian?”

I live at the goat enclosure of a petting zoo, which seems to have become quite a magnet to the local black metal scene. And to be fair, some of you are actually quite sweet and have good taste in pellets. That said, it can be a little patronizing when one of you tickles my beard and says, “Who’s a representation of satanism? You are! Yes you are! Yes, you are!”

Someday I hope we can live in a world where someone’s appearance doesn’t dictate how they are perceived by the outside world. And so should you, black metal fans. Every single time you walk away from my enclosure, the next group of patrons makes so much fun of your dumb clothes.