Fade Into You Playing in Independent Coffee Shop for 110th Time Today

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

PURCHASE, N.Y. — Local woman Elle Rice winced this morning while waiting for her black coffee refill as the song “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star played for the fifth time since entering coffee shop, The Grind.

“I hate that it’s this Mazzy Star song in particular,” said Rice. “My college boyfriend always played it and I think it tricked me into thinking we were having OK sex. Can’t this barista play anything else? You’re telling me there’s not one My Bloody Valentine song or a Christmas piano album or even just another song from that Mazzy Star album anywhere on there that might make it into the mix?”

According to the barista in question, Nadira Safrin, the dream-pop hit playing for the 110th time before the lunch rush was out of her hands.

“Between churning out oat-milk matcha lattes, and guys in high-socks and black vans asking for my Instagram, I don’t have time to change the song,” she explained. “ Plus, my boss is the one who made the playlist and the one time that I tried to turn it off he didn’t let me bring home the compost for my succulents which is just an unreasonably dickish move. I’m honestly just trying to not give everyone I know COVID so our customers can overpay for coffee they don’t want to make, sorry.”

Local art history major and loyal customer, Aidan Welch, is firmly content about the song playing on repeat, with the hopes that it will guarantee him some indie-scene clout.

“I always bring my Tinder dates here and the song gives me the opportunity to explain Mazzy Star’s biography in full detail,” said Welch. “And better yet, I get to quiz them on how well they know early 90s alt-rock, dream pop, and folk neo-psychedelia. I wouldn’t want to waste my time with someone who doesn’t even know the song ‘Halah’… that’s what Mazzy Star’s other song is called.”

At press time, a Starbucks regular who was forced to use the free WiFi at The Grind because of a staff shortage at his preferred coffee shop has solemnly sworn off ever listening to a tambourine again.

Password Hint Only Making Things Worse

Posted on by Tyler Roland

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Insurance claims adjuster Jason Parkinson became frustrated this morning over the unhelpful password recovery hint that he created, which only made retrieving it worse, sympathetic sources verified.

“I was trying to log into my bank account the other day,” Parkinson sighed. “I had forgotten the password, which I came up with maybe fourteen years ago. So I ended up asking for the hint, and all I set for the hint was…‘you know this.’ What the fuck?! Ever since then, I’ve been trying to connect the dots between that statement and whatever it was that I made for an eight-letter, one-symbol, one-capital key.”

Parkinson’s spouse, Ray Davies, noted the tension created by the flippant hint.

“Jay’s pretty smart with recalling things most of the time, he remembered a song I was trying to find since 2009 when I was only able to somewhat hum the chorus. I guess he thought he’d never need this hint,” Davies explained. “Ever since this Achilles Heel was wounded we haven’t been the same — we’ve been checking out as ‘guest’ for almost every online purchase, and we abandoned our Roth IRA and have just started stashing cash in shoeboxes again.”

Data analyst Ben Vault notes that such boldness in setting hints for password recovery is commonplace.

“In this day and age, we have one, maybe two passwords for everything. If we forget them, we’re fucked, to put it lightly, so we have them hardwired. These hints are often unnecessary, so of course there’s the occasional ‘that thing you love’ or ‘I don’t need no goddamn hint!’ set by overconfident individuals,” Vault explained. “These cases, such as Parkinson’s, are caused by those that imagine themselves as rebels who can’t be kept in line by Big Password. However, with widespread usage of facial and fingerprint recognition, as well as human data-collecting at an all-time high, calamities like this one will become a thing of the past in no time.”

As of press time, Parkinson was seen accepting his fate with a groan and beginning the 27-step process of resetting his password.

Musician Would Kill for Crowd Like the One Gathered Outside CityMD

Posted on by Dianne Nora

BROOKLYN — Indie rock musician Kirby Wardle would do just about anything to get a crowd at one of his shows like the one currently gathered outside the CityMD on North 7th Street in Williamsburg, where he is currently waiting to take a PCR test for COVID-19.

“There are more people here than at all our shows in 2021 combined,” Wardle admitted, grabbing some of his band’s stickers from his backpack to hand to those near him in line. “I wish I could blame the small turnout on the pandemic, but it’s not like 2018 or 2019 were really much better. And it’s not just that there’s a lot of us–people are really paying attention. When the staff walks out to let us know how many more hours we’ll have to wait on line, most of us even looked up from our phones.”

Alanna Torres, another woman waiting in line at CityMD, confirmed Wardle’s assessment that the crowd was eager and enthusiastic.

“I don’t even really think I was exposed to the virus,” Torres admitted, lowering her mask to whisper more discreetly. “I live a few blocks away, and I saw on Instagram that the line out here was insane, so I put on a little brow gel and headed outside. There was nothing good on TV, and basically everyone I know got COVID at parties last week that I apparently wasn’t invited to, so I figured the odds were better I’d meet someone out here than on Hinge. And it’s totally working! That cute guy in the beanie totally coughed at me.”

Arisha Beltran, an events promoter who follows the indie arts scene in New York, said there are many aspects of CityMD’s promotion that musicians could learn from.

“The artists who’ve really been able to break out in this time are being strategic about how they get word out about their work,” Beltran said. “CityMD has been able to cultivate demand and even an air of mystery by making the fans work for information and access. They’re getting a ton of engagement across socials, because they are this moment. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ll be collaborating with Phoebe Bridgers or even Taylor Swift within the next year.”

At press time, Wardle was walking up and down the line, asking the hundreds of people waiting to stream his band on Spotify, claiming that “iIf a few hundred of these people listen even once, we could make almost fifty cents.”

How To Act Like You Have a Career in Music When You Really Just Sell Pedals on Reverb for a Loss

Posted on by John Danek

The music industry is cruel and brutal. Naive people attempt to find stable careers only to find out no one wants to pay you for anything music-related. Ever. And before you know it, you quit your unpaid Universal Music Group internship after 3 years and need to sell off your guitar gear for far less than you paid.

But hey- isn’t that sort of a job itself? Of course it is! Here are tips for acting like this pathetic grab at a few bucks is a career in music.

Go to the NAMM Show
The National Association of Music Merchants convention is a who’s who of poor financial decisions. You belong here. Print up business cards and take out more loans for a plane ticket to sunny Anaheim, CA. And if you get intimidated while strolling around on the floor, remember that everyone around you is operating at a net loss too.

Start a YouTube Channel
Branch out into other social media platforms to create the facade that you know what you’re talking about. Create demos of each pedal where you gush about how transparent or inspiring it is, then sell it for 40% of the average selling price because you need cash ASAP.

Buy a Klon Centaur
The Klon Centaur is the most legendary, overpriced guitar pedal ever made. They cost thousands and thousands of dollars and barely do anything to your guitar tone. I don’t care if you need to sell your roommate’s kidney, get one. It is a mark of legitimacy on your fake career. (But only the gold horsie one, the others are bullshit.)

Remember That It’s All About the Music
Never lose sight of the fact that your miserable, depressing career choices started with a genuine admiration for music. You dedicated your life to this field because you kinda liked that Sum 41 album “Does This Look Infected?” when you were 11. In the years since, you tried to delude yourself into liking Clapton, Sun Ra, Neko Case, and other “cool” artists while you struggled to make rent. But next time you need to ask your parents for another thousand bucks, blast “The Hell Song” to psych yourself up instead.

Aging Punk Already Maxed Out Allotted Three New Bands Per Year He’s Able to Listen To

Posted on by James Knapp

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Forty-year-old punk Dave Taverston reportedly hit his limit for new music he is physically and psychologically capable of consuming earlier this week, sources who have, like, real shit to deal with confirmed.

“I haven’t been able to be quite as adventurous as I used to be with music. There was a stretch from about age 27-37 where I didn’t listen to a single new band, I had to make a change,” explained Taverston. “My brain allows me to listen to three new bands a year, if I try to listen to more I end up getting a little overwhelmed and throwing on a podcast. So I normally try to take it real slow, but this year was different. I found a few bands that reminded me of Dropdead and just like that I was out of bandwidth.”

Friend Melanie Rainworthy detailed Taverson’s gradual progression into age-limited music consumption.

“Dave has been kinda fading out of the scene for a few years now, around the time he last refinanced the mortgage for his condo. Ever since then I rarely hear him play anything on Spotify besides the same two Get Up Kids albums he’s been listening to forever,” remarked Rainworthy, who is eleven years Taverson’s junior. “I still invite him to go out to shows all the time but he usually gets pretty tired after ‘Jeopardy’ and doesn’t wanna stay out very late. I get that it can be exhausting, but this is also the guy we used to call ‘Amphetamine Dave’ back in the day.”

Bassist for the melodic crust band Stench Line Sonata, one of the bands Taverson listened to this year, received the news of the aging punk’s selection positively.

“Man, I fucking get it. It’s rough out there for the old timers,” said bassist Ray ‘Goat Dick’ Yarmolitz. “I’m just really glad that [Taverson] decided to give our band a shot out of all the new stuff he could’ve checked out. And hell, even if he’s lying about it, at least that means he thinks we’re cool enough to impress, like, his nephew or something by dropping our name. Honestly, that’s more of the reason we got into this band in the first place.”

At press time, Taverson had already forgotten the names of all three bands and had resigned himself to listening to old Punk-O-Rama compilations instead.

Move Over, Surf Rock: 6 Other Aquatic-themed Subgenres You’ve Never Heard Of

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Bum-bum-diddily bumbumbumbum! Remember that thrilling sound of humming, super-wet reverb from the first time you watched Pulp Fiction because some video-store guy implied you were dumb if you hadn’t? That’s surf rock, motherfucker!

A predominately instrumental rock genre that peaked in the early ‘60s when people remembered they could sing along to music, surf rock has long been associated with tremolo picking, your dad’s rare good moods, and that great big thing we call the ocean. But did you know it’s not the only hyper-specific musical subgenre to take inspiration from water? How about:

Boat Metal: One of the infinite variations in heavy metal that sprouted up in the 1980s, Boat Metal is typified by its deep tunings, growling vocals and subject matter that exclusively involves the construction, sailing technique and quality of seagoing vessels. Bands like Nautical Death, Anchors A’Slay and Dokken had a brief heyday, before the technical difficulties involved with hauling electrical equipment on open water caused a number of tragic concerts.

Hydrobilly: Considered a throwback to the earliest sounds of 20th century rock n’ roll, but wetter, hydrobilly’s most obvious characteristic is its fetishizing of 1950s naval fashion. Most fans live a lifestyle of vintage revved up motorboats, highly stylized crew cuts and a sound heavily indebted to the rhythmic sound of water sloshing back and forth. A revival in the early 2000s brought the style to a wider audience, who swiftly rejected it.

Rub-a-Dub: Less a distinctive subgenre and more an evolution of electronic experimentation, rub-a-dub was created when stoned recording engineers noticed how crazy stuff sounds when you hear it in a bathtub. Since then, the term has come to be applied to any number of remixing techniques; its consistent quality is that sound must be shaped around sitting in a semi-filled bathtub and just getting really, really high.

Dolphincore: Most known for its distinctive “EEE EEE EEE” vocal style, dolphincore is essentially a faster, more aggressive version of waterpunk. Songs like “Blowhole” “Fin Edge” and “Bottlenose Violence” reflected a more politically charged, less nihilistic ethos, while Tipper Gore’s political opposition to what was deemed “marine mammal subject matter harmful to developing minds” caused dolphincore venues to be cracked down on through the 1980s.

Amphiblues: Frog blues, son. Frog’s got them blues.

Ska: Perhaps the most famous example of these rock subgenres, most ska purists decry the recent waves of popularity that caused the original aquatic themes to be, ironically, watered down. While the original Jamaican styles of ska were rich with political activism, religious themes and a connection to the sea, mainstream acceptance has turned this once unique style into a joke. A terrible, awful, laughable joke.

Man’s Only Pair of Pants Begging for a Day Off

Posted on by Zac Lux

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A decrepit pair of jeans shook themselves fiercely in an attempt to rip themselves free of a local man’s legs as an act of protest in order to get one day of rest, stunned eyewitnesses confirm.

“For the love of God I can’t take it anymore,” gasped Paul Johnston’s only pair of pants, blue denim Levi’s that were acquired in the late ‘90s during a sale at Sears. “I used to be in shape, I had dreams. Maybe one day even experience a real-life rodeo! I don’t even remember the last time I’d been in the wash. This dumbass doesn’t think his legs sweat and he doesn’t realize how much piss splashes back from the toilet. The things I’ve seen, the sloppy dinners spilled all over me, the dates I’ve been dragged to only to witness the poor souls who somehow ended up unzipping me, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you had to experience the darkness that lay within these threads.”

When proposed with the thought of obtaining another pair of pants to balance out the usage of his Levi’s during the week, Johnston became visibly frustrated.

“These pants are more than enough. I’m not the king of fucking Monaco over here,” said Johnston while wiping his palms clean on the front of the jeans. “Besides, these are finally broken in the way I like them. It took a few decades, but they’re finally fully formed to my body. It’s damn near impossible to take ‘em off, not that I’d even want to. I even sleep with these bad boys on. You’d have to pay me thousands of dollars to take these off before I’d ever consider buying a new pair.”

Chip Bergh, President of the Company, thinks the overuse of Johnston’s pants is cause for concern.

“We pride ourselves on how long our jeans last, but nothing should last this long. Once you break in a pair of pants they’re more comfortable, sure,” said Bergh, fully clad in denim head to toe. “To continue wearing those monstrous pants makes the fibers of the garment more susceptible to hosting bacteria and directly infecting the person wearing them. Turns the host’s knee-pits into fucking cesspools of bacteria and eventually eats through the flesh. It’s rare, but it has happened before, and I’d much prefer to not have another lawsuit on our hands from some gross asshole.”

At press time, Johnston’s pants ripped themselves free, running into the sunset. Leaving a crusty nude Johnston, glistening with bacteria.

We Found the Ultimate Hangover Cure, but if You Take It, Someone You Don’t Know Will Die. Will You?

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Good morning! Oh, right. Sorry. We know there’s nothing worse than the morning after a night out. Splitting headaches, whiskey sweats, missing work to spend half the day puking. Well lucky for you we found the ultimate hangover cure! One quick dose of this baby and you’ll be feeling like you just got a promotion, a brand new car, and a high five from a golden retriever! There’s only one problem. If you take this cure, somewhere someone you don’t know will die.

Will you do it?

Think about it. People die every day. In the few minutes it took you to vomit up that half a rack of Rolling Rock, probably like five people died. What’s one more? It’s not like it’s going to be someone in your family or a friend, or even an enemy. It’s completely neutral. Unbiased. Clean.

Sure, have another glass of water. That’s not going to do a thing for your loose bowels and splitting headache. Only our cure will.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to consider it. Maybe you need to talk it over with your partner, even though they’re still super pissed that you passed out in the driveway with your shirt off. Maybe they’d tell you that you couldn’t possibly do it and that no hangover could possibly be so bad. But we leave it completely up to you. Either one random person you don’t know dies or you feel like complete shit until noon.

Oh, but remember. Do you ever really know someone? Even your partner? Even your family? Even yourself? Choose wisely.

5 Classic ‘90s Albums That Are Turning 50 This Year Somehow

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Funny how time works. One day we’re living in the ‘90s wearing high-waisted dad jeans, watching ‘Seinfeld,’ and talking about ‘The Matrix.’ Then all of the sudden it’s 2022 and we’re still doing all that shit. Despite ‘90s trends stuck in a never-ending time loop, somehow the music of the decade seemed to age drastically overnight.

So, are you ready to feel old? Here are five classic albums from the ‘90s that are somehow celebrating their 50th anniversary this year whether it mathematically makes sense or not.

Green Day “Dookie”
Lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong was a mere 21 years old when his band’s breakthrough album debuted. According to my calculations, that would put him in his early 70s today. Sure, that may not sound right. Then again, neither does setting your clocks ahead and back during daylight savings. Time is weird like that.

Dr. Dre “The Chronic”
Feels like this album came out maybe 30 years ago tops, but unfortunately time doesn’t lie. Neither does my math on this one. Believe me, I cross-checked my work almost twice. Anyway, this album was simply iconic and I still can’t believe it came out during the Nixon administration.

Alanis Morrissette “Jagged Little Pill”
Isn’t it ironic that time seems to be moving faster than your brain can keep up? Feels like only yesterday that we as a society were questioning Alanis’ definition of the word “irony.” But here we are 50 years later completely unable to let that shit go. Time may move on, but our collective interest in correcting women publicly will never.

Rancid “…And Out Come the Wolves”
This album for sure seems like it could be their most recent one. Either time flew by at an alarming rate or I haven’t listened to a single Rancid album since this one. Now that I think about it, it’s definitely the latter. Wow, these past five decades really snuck up on me as a 30-year-old. I guess there just isn’t enough time in the day to acknowledge Rancid’s 21st century discography.

Nirvana “Nevermind”
The passage of time happens so quickly that you probably didn’t even realize that this album is celebrating its half century mark. Just think. In just a few short years this record is going to be 100 years old. Unfortunately, by that time we’ll all be dead because for some reason that’s how time works now?

International Punk Scene Fails New Year’s Resolution to Bring Down the System for 45th Year in Row

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

EARTH — Punks around the globe who are unsatisfied with oppressive global systems designed to benefit a few powerful individuals at the expense of everyone else once again failed to complete their goal of breaking humanity free of this forcibly self-maintained prison in 2021.

“It was going really well at first with all the Covid lockdown protocols keeping the corrupt capitalist economy weak,” said punk Michael “Inky” Weston who is based in Sussex, England. “But once again we couldn’t get our shit together. A bunch of punk scenes spent most of their time drinking themselves stupid, and don’t even get me started on all the crusties huffing spray paint instead of trying to collapse the banking system. And of course none of our American allies could risk losing their health coverage, so they all bought in out of self preservation.

Some punks took a more passive approach by attempting to leave society altogether, with the aim of weakening the system by not contributing to it.

“I banded together with a group of friends to live off the grid in the rainforest, but that plan fell apart when we realized that it’s basically gone at this point,” said Brazilian punk Alanza Alvez. “I mean there’s a bit but it’s protected, sort of. So we couldn’t justify going in there and taking that limited space away from wildlife who need it. In the end we just found a strip mine and squatted there for a bit until the lockdown was lifted. Then once business resumed the owners of the mines threatened us with attack dogs if we didn’t leave. We had to leave and the five of us got a one bedroom apartment to share in Rio.”

One major factor contributing to the failure of the international punk scene’s resolution to take down the system was the success of the one percent’s resolution to continue the exact same way they have been for generations.

“I’m really proud of the growth I’ve accomplished this year,” said Elliot Hanscomb III, CEO of the investment firm Dunstable Powers. “To celebrate my company moving into the Chinese sector I bought myself a platinum statue for my hedge maze. I mean just look at the detailing on those perfect teeth. It was a lot of work paying those cops to clear out that village so we could extract the necessary materials from underneath it, but in the end I think it was worth the effort.”

The international punk scene is optimistic that 2022 will be the year they finally free us from the system, as they have just stolen a brand new day planner.