Recently Exonerated Shaggy Releases New Book, “If It Was Me, Here’s How It Happened”

Posted on by James Knapp

KINGSTON, Jamaica — Reggae singer and exonerated philanderer Shaggy released a tell-all book recently titled “If It Was Me, Here’s How It Happened,” in response to accusations that it was, in fact, him bangin’ on the bathroom floor that fateful day.

“After years of accusations and hearsay and spare keys being entered into evidence I just want to put this whole mess behind me. That’s why I wrote this book, to finally set the record straight about how, hypothetically, my bare ass could have ended up in all those pictures,” explained Shaggy, flanked by his defense attorneys. “Now, obviously, I would never actually cheat on my girl. It’s unthinkable… unless you think about it. Then it should be considered pretty impressive that, if it was me, I had the virility to smash on the floor, couch, counter, in the shower and I would guess, like, three other places that didn’t make it into the song.”

Shaggy’s former partner, who wished to remain nameless, gave her perspective on the book which just reached number one on the New York Times Bestseller list.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much exactly how it happened. You guys know he’s guilty, right?” she said. “I never took my eyes off that lying motherfucker. I thought I had him caught red-handed but apparently the courts have decided otherwise — I’m actually still unclear on how that works exactly.”

Alleged Shaggy fucker, the girl next door, attested a different version of events than detailed in the now National Book Award nominated tell-all.

“First of all, I want to clarify that we were not banging on the bathroom floor, I was just helping him look for his contact lens. And second, it was technically the linen closet floor,” she said after requesting that her identity be withheld. “He’s not even denying the right stuff in this book. Shaggy should at least know how to not admit to the real things he really didn’t actually do.”

At press time, Shaggy vowed to spend the rest of his life “tracking down whoever it really was” and bringing them to justice.

5 Songs That Could Stand To Be a Little More Like Onyx’s “Slam”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Hey songwriters! You wanna improve your chops? You wanna write a song that connects with the audience on an emotional level while staying stuck in their head for days? Well, listen up because you could learn a thing or two from a little song called “Slam.”

This Onyx track has more than anything a song could need, but what makes it truly special is one thing it doesn’t have: Pretension. Unlike so many other equally iconic songs, “Slam” lacks any sense of musical snobbery, which serves as a lesson to songwriters everywhere. Abandon your preconceived notions of art and just make something enjoyable to listen to. Don’t try to control your art. In other words, let the boys be boys.

Here are five other songs that could stand to be a little more like “Slam” by Onyx.

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” – Nirvana
Some believe this was the best song of the ‘90s. But how could that be when only one person is singing throughout the entire song? By my count, “Slam” has 20 or 30 people either rapping, doing backup vocals, or simply providing enthusiastic “yeahs” at just the right moments. Plus, “Slam” has a straightforward, clear message. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is about… well I think it’s about, like… hmm. Actually, I’m not sure. Oh well. Whatever. Never mind.

“Anarchy in the UK” – Sex Pistols
I bet you lived your whole life thinking the Pistols were hardcore until you watched the “Slam” music video with all the slam dancing and crowd surfing and you realized that Onyx was the true embodiment of punk this whole time. This video is anarchy in the US. Take note, Mr. Lydon.

“Motion Sickness” – Phoebe Bridgers
Great tune, but what this song lacks is a bunch of people in the back of the track continuously shouting “da duh duh, da duh duh.” I mean, how else am I supposed to get pumped up for what you’re singing about? Let’s not overcomplicate songwriting here.

“All You Need Is Love” – The Beatles
There are only so many hours you can live on mere love alone. At some point, you’ll need booze too. That’s what this Beatles song gets wrong. And what about your actual basic needs? Let’s just say Onyx would never mislead you like John Lennon clearly did.

“All Too Well (10 Minute Version)” – Taylor Swift
I’m sorry. How long is this song? “Slam” clocks in at a cool three minutes and thirty-eight seconds, which is the perfect track length. One second fewer is just lazy and anything more is trying too hard. No song should be the length of a Quibi show. Onyx gets that.

Metronome Doesn’t Know What More It Can Do to Show Idiot How to Keep Time

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

AUSTIN, Texas — A metronome at Austin’s Northside Music Academy doesn’t know what more it can do to show the idiot using it, Kyle Tulridge, how to keep time while working on the same guitar sequence of Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” for three lessons in a row.

“Listen, what I do is teach people how to keep regular time in the course of performing music,” said the metronome, wincing at Tulridge’s most recent attempt to transition from a G to C chord. “I’m basically the physical incarnation of eurhythmics. But there’s limits on what I can do, and if that fucking idiot can’t figure out one the literally easiest things in the world to keep a regular rhythm to, I don’t know what to tell you. I may be just an adjustable weight on an inverted pendulum, but even I have limits.”

“God, I don’t even want to know what it looks like when that clown dances,” the metronome added.

Luis Alvarez, the part-time guitar teacher instructing Tulridge, expressed similar frustration.

“I try to be optimistic and encouraging to all of my students,” Alvarez said, staring into the middle distance as Tulridge briefly paused to look at a passing bird through a window. “But I’d be a liar if I said there weren’t some real nitwits in here. I really only took this job since touring gigs are pretty scarce right now, but this may not be worth it. I always like to say, when it comes to timing, the metronome speaks for itself. But it doesn’t deserve what Kyle is doing to it. It may be but a machine, but it has to feel what’s happening to it.”

For his part, Tulridge remained unaware of the increasing tension in the practice room.

“I think I’m really getting it!” Tulridge said while quickly cycling through 4/4, 12/8 and then forgetting to keep strumming. “At first, I had a really hard time getting into it, but like Luis said, all I have to do is keep counting the ticks and the tocks and I’ll be a regular Joe Satriani in no time!”

As of press time, a nearby guitar tuner had begun quivering in fear as Tulridge approached.

5 Lifehacks That Don’t Work but Might Help Distract You From Your Dumb, Broken Life for Like Twenty Minutes

Posted on by James Knapp

We all know life is full of little annoyances that only exist to make things a little more difficult. Not that it matters anyway – because with your stupid life, trying any of these would be the equivalent of bringing a kitchen dustpan to glass factory explosion. Whatever. Here’s five things that aren’t gonna help you.

1. Organize your closet by color to make things easier to find
Are you constantly running late because you can’t find that perfect outfit that you could have sworn you just put away yesterday? Well, no, you’re constantly running late because you’re irresponsible and inconsiderate of others, but fuck it, let’s pin it all on clothes for a hot second.

The act of actually sorting through all your clothes and arranging them by color might make you avoid thinking about the $6,000 in credit card debt you racked up buying all this shit in the first place.

2. Lemon and baking soda make a great all-natural deodorant
You suck. But you also stink, like literally. Instead of using a chemical-filled de-stenchifier that actually works, this life hack is a great way to feel like you’ve accomplished something. You still suck and you just can’t get it together, but hey, you don’t smell as bad.

3. Suck on a penny to pass a breathalyzer test
Let’s face it, if you’re even considering trying this one then this isn’t your first DUI and it won’t be the last. Well go ahead, give it a try. Maybe sucking on copper for a while will help you understand why you were kicked out of your nephew’s bar mitzvah in the first place.

4. Store batteries in the refrigerator to make them last longer
Whatever. We don’t even want to write anything for this one. There’s just, we don’t know, like no point. No point to anything anymore.

5. You can uncork a bottle of wine using a hammer and nail
Are you the classy kind of alcoholic? Of course not, you don’t even own a proper corkscrew. Well at least now you can fool yourself into thinking you know a party trick while being rushed to the ER with the shards of a shattered Chianti bottle lodged in your hand. We’re sure that everyone in the ICU will be super impressed.

Punk Show Upcharges On Ticket Price For Veterans

Posted on by James Knapp

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Promoters at a recent local show agreed that they would bump the door fee up three dollars for any individual who was a current or past member of the United States Armed Forces, arbitrarily defiant sources confirmed.

“We couldn’t ban the army guys from the show outright since that would make us, like, fascist probably, but we still want to make it clear that any blood-hungry peons of the military-industrial complex aren’t welcome in this scene. However, if they’re willing to shell out a few more bucks to help cover the touring band then I guess that makes up for all the drone strikes in Syria,” explained promoter Willy Gemarcus. “And yes, I do recognize the irony of having this show at a VFW hall. Look, if we had the resources to afford a venue not run by Nixon voters then I don’t think we’d have to upcharge anyone in the first place.”

Treasurer for VFW Hall No. 4664, Doug Stedder, explained his decision to allow the show to go on despite the apparent conflict of policy.

“As long as the hall gets our cut of the door and those kids remember to stack the chairs back up afterwards I could give a fuck what those gutter rats do,” remarked Stedder, dressed head to toe in VFW merch. “Dues have been down again lately and, since it doesn’t look like we’re gonna be getting any new wars anytime soon, I gotta do what I can to keep the lights on.”

Show attendee and former coast guard member Lilith Twent had a mixed reaction to the spike in ticket price for the show.

“In a way I do understand the punk scene’s tendency to view the military as a tool of imperialist subjugation by the big money elites and political stooges. But c’mon, three whole dollars! On a government salary, you’ve gotta be joking,” bemoaned Twent while searching for loose change
between her car seats. “I was just in the coast guard. The most we ever did was break up unruly party barges off the Jersey shore. It sucks that I have to pay the same as that metalhead marine with the necklace made out of human ears.”

The upcharge was further increased after the touring band requested an extra twenty bucks for “smokes and forties.”

We Look Back on “My So Called Life” Because We’ve Been Talking About 90s Shit for Like 5 Hours

Posted on by Tony Morse

As far as decades go, this one sucks pretty hard. A deadly pandemic has killed millions worldwide. A bunch of psychos LARPed overthrowing the government. Trapt has released new songs. When it comes to biting into steaming shit sandwiches, people of today sure are spoiled for choice. But you know what decade is always awesome? The 90s! Yep, nothing helps you forget about the ongoing collapse of civilization quite like singing along to Green Day while wearing a headband. Oh sick, someone just said, “Seether!”

God, we talked 90s for hours and hours. I mean, talk about the golden age of television! So many life lessons delivered in weekly thirty-minute installments. Remember how Tim Allen could solve a family conflict with some grunting sounds and a little wisdom from Wilson? Amazing. And what about the time “Saved By The Bell” taught us that caffeine pills were the most dangerous thing in life?

Anyway, hours into our nostalgia binge we ran out of Simpsons quotes. That’s when somebody brought up Jordan Catalano’s band. That’s right. Jordan from “My So Called Life.” Jordan’s band was named “Frozen Embryos,” which reminds us that the Supreme Court is about to overturn Roe v Wade. Kind of a buzzkill, but the 90s were carefree times and MSCL is proof! Angela Chase and her besties Rayanne and Rickie.

Rickie, who was tortured at school and wanted everyone to think he had the gun that went off in the hallway so his bullies would go away. And what about Rayanne? She threw a party! And went to the hospital for what was probably acute alcohol poisoning. Okay, back to Jordan. He was so dreamy! He also couldn’t read. Well, what about Angela? Who was devastated and betrayed when Rayanne got drunk and had sex with Jordan. Actually, this is just reminding us how awful the world is.

Hey, remember the 80s? Wanna do some coke and talk about them? The Facts of Life? Cheers? Anyone?

Travis Barker Spends Three Hours Every Morning Meticulously Reapplying All 107 Temporary Tattoos

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Highly distinguished drummer and body art curator Travis Barker recently admitted that he spends a good few hours every morning painstakingly reapplying every single one of his temporary tattoos before leaving the house, sources waiting for him to be finished in the bathroom confirmed.

“Let’s just say I take more time to get ready in the morning than Kourtney,” said Barker before asking someone close by if they could get his back. “I mean, sure, I could get real tats, but then what if I change my mind one day and want a little butterfly on my wrist or something? Fully tattooing every square inch of your entire body including your skull just seems like a huge commitment. Don’t get me wrong though, all of these temporary tattoos have a lot of meaning to me, just not in a ‘permanently engraved on your body’ kind of way. Also, I heard real ones hurt. No thank you.”

Friends of the Blink-182 drummer defended his commitment to the look.

“Say what you will, but Travis actually saves a ton of money by buying all of our ink designs in bulk,” said Barker’s temporary tattoo artist Jeannie Fishburne of Tattitude LLC. “He’s also been known to mix and match, so you’ll never actually see the same combination on his body on consecutive days. Except, of course, for that cryptic ‘Can I Say’ one on his chest. Evidently, he only meant to buy 100 of those in the late ‘90s, but we fucked up the order on our end and inadvertently sent him 100,000 instead. Unfortunately, we have a no-return policy and no one’s above it. Not even our high-profile regulars.”

Musicians have a history of going to extreme measures to maintain an image.

“You wouldn’t believe the lengths punks go to just to keep their whole vibe going,” said music historian Kate McBurgerbeams. “For instance, the Misfits spend hours applying American Crew styling gel to the front of their hair to get their famous devilock look. Kurt Cobain used to go store to store in search of jeans that were strategically ripped at the knee. And Henry Rollins goes to the gym. Absolutely bonkers behavior, right?”

In related news, former member of Blink-182 Tom DeLonge revealed that the lip ring he used to frequently wear was actually a clip-on.

First Chair Violinist Playing Bach in London Philharmonic Orchestra Suddenly Realizes He’s In a Cover Band

Posted on by John Danek

LONDON — Virtuoso violinist Hans Kriegsman came to the difficult realization that he plays in a glorified cover band while performing Bach’s “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” with the London Philharmonic Orchestra, his fellow musicians reported.

“It hit me during the final notes of ‘Jesu’ — I had nailed a perfect performance yet again, when I suddenly realized that I’ve never played a note of original music in my life,” lamented first chair Kriegsman, who left his Bavarian village at the age of six to pursue the violin. “I… I am no different from Van Playin’, a Van Halen cover band who play every Monday night at the bar near my apartment in Notting Hill. I’m just a drone, a hack, a human Bluetooth speaker for bygone eras. Please, leave me be…”

Kriegsman’s fellow chairs in the violin section of the London Phil attempted to offer any consolation possible.

“It’s tough to watch someone realize for the first time that their entire career is devoted to playing covers for rubes who only want to hear the hits,” admitted third chair Sakura Yashimoto, the eldest musician in the orchestra. “Sure, it would be great to play some deep cuts like Liszt’s ‘Prometheus.’ Hell, I’ve been working on original disco-meets-drone-metal tunes which will never see the light of day. These dummies just want the comfort of the songs they hear in movie trailers every other month, so we suck it up and play Beethoven’s 5th Symphony four times a year.”

Van Playin’ frontman David Hoxbury is not ashamed but rather proud of his unabashed joy of playing music written by others.

“Bruv, my cover band packs the bar every Monday night like clockwork. But when I played in an original post-punk band? Couldn’t get one arse in the door to watch us fiddle with delay pedals,” said Hoxbury, who makes extra money on the side doing Cameos as a David Lee Roth impersonator. “There’s no shame in it. Hell, I’m proud to share old music with new generations. The London Philharmonic should wear powdered wigs and shit, to really convey the vibe to the crowd. We’re all going to die soon anyways.”

Distressed family members report that Kriegsman has quit the orchestra, sold his Stradivarius violin for money to buy modular synths, and has begun releasing original hyperpop songs to Bandcamp.

Crust Punk Horrified to Learn Where Dumpster Behind Burger King Gets Its Food

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A freegan crust punk was left horrified and repulsed after discovering where the food in the dumpster behind his local Burger King is procured, sources within the local scene have reported.

“For the past few weeks I really thought I had finally found a quality diving spot. It’s close to the interstate, gets replenished nightly, and it usually has those cinnamon sticks that I like. I just thought the Burger King in front of it was like some kind of front to keep people away. But yesterday I actually saw an employee come out of the back door and throw actual Burger King food into the dumpster. Talk about a wakeup call,” said Liam Olivieri while trying not to dry heave. “It really makes you take a step back and consider what we’re actually putting into our bodies. Had I known what was actually in that dumpster, I’d have just gone rooting through the garbage at the Shell station down the road.”

Employees of the Burger King were at a loss as to why Olivieri was so shocked that the dumpster contained their food.

“It’s pretty rich that some dude with infected tattoos is throwing a shitfit because the food he’s digging out of our trash matches the sign out front. The only reason he’s complaining is because he came in to use the bathroom and saw us painting the grill lines on the burgers,” said restaurant manager Ruth White. “What’s the point of dining out of trash bins when literal beggars are being choosers. But for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t eat this stuff either. Our cardboard crowns have more nutritional value than our fries.”

Freegans around the country are calling on Burger King and other bottom tier fast food restaurants to move towards more ethically sourced leftover scraps.

“Our lifestyle is all about cutting down our carbon footprint while simultaneously not giving a single dime to line some corporate asshole’s pockets. But how can we feel good about finishing someone else’s half eaten sandwich knowing it’s from an establishment best known for selling horse meat coated in 2,000 grams of sodium,” said dumpster diving activist Chip Ricardo. “People have a right to get their sustenance from a trash can without developing a cardiovascular disease while doing it.”

Due to public pressure, Burger King announced that it will begin listing the nutritional value and ingredients of all of their dumpsters by the end of 2022.

How the Radio Edit of Lil Jon’s “Get Low” Shielded Me From Misogyny by Changing the Word “Bitches” to “Females”

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

You can find the essence of a generation in its music. That’s why observing generational progress as a millennial woman is bittersweet. So many songs that seemed harmless growing up were actually saturated with everyday sexism. Amidst the misogynistic musical landscape, however, there were a few glimmering pockets of hope. Today, we celebrate one of those treasured beacons on the road to gender equality: the radio edit of Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz’ 2003 single, “Get Low.”

In its uncensored form, “Get Low” is extremely sexist solely because it includes the word “bitch.” Thanks to Lil Jon’s ability to reflect on his own art and the way it might be perceived by his audience, the radio edit switches the forbidden word to “females,” thus transforming it into a feminist masterpiece.

“Bitch” has long been used to disrespect women. Thank god the boys at my high school listened to CRUNK FM and heard Lil Jon referring to women as “females” instead of “bitches” in lyrics such as, “I like to see the female twerking” and “all you females crawl.” Otherwise, they may have felt comfortable disrespecting women. But they didn’t thanks to ambassador of positive masculinity, Lil Jon.

Other hip hop and pop stars of the early 2000s could take a lesson from the radio edit of “Get Low.” Because if your worldwide chart-topping hit about giving orders of a sexual nature to a large group of intoxicated women happens to use swear words to refer to those women… well I’m sorry but you’re just not an ally.

I’m so grateful to Lil Jon and every single one of the East Side Boyz for creating a little corner of the world where the girls of my generation could feel safe at a vulnerable stage of life. From the window to the walls, they truly provided us “females” a safe space.