Opinion: Fuck You – Guest Column by B Chord

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

So you think you’re ready to take your guitar skills to the next level? You’ve mastered Earth Angel and Free Falling so now you’ve decided it’s time to ramp up your game and learn some new chords. Well to that I say, “bring it.” Hi, I’m the B chord and I’m gonna fuck up your day. Fuck you.

I’m not your first bar chord, am I? I could tell you’ve strummed a few successful F’s by the cocky way your hands aren’t trembling. Do you really think you have what it takes to in those limp little cheese strings to play me? Just looking at those fall-off-the-bone wrists of yours is making me hungry. I’m gonna turn your tendons into tenderloin and serve them for brunch.

Everyone’s going to know what a mewling casual you are when I’m through with you. You should have stuck to busking in the nightlife district where you could play songs that stick to G, Em, A, and D. Cranking out “Don’t Stop Believin'” over and over for drunks who think you’re a guitar God was a great thing you had going there. It’s a shame you decided to ruin it by attempting to learn “Immigrant Song.” Huge mistake.

Just face it, this is where it ends for you. You’re never going to get me and I’m not even the hardest one. But at least you’ll never have to face Fsus4#5! She would fucking destroy you. But she doesn’t need to. She doesn’t even know you exist.

Boardwalk Caricature Closest Man Will Ever Come to Therapy

Posted on by Rob Walker

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Local man Jeremy Collins’ recent trip to the beach became an impromptu moment of self-discovery and reflection while sitting down to have his caricature drawn by a boardwalk cartoonist, sources close to the walled-off man confirmed.

“I’ve heard people say that they were unhappy with their boardwalk cartoons, that they hated the way they look, but I have to say that this was life-changing. For the first time in a long time I feel heard,” said Collins after the 15 minute session. “It was so nice to be asked about my hobbies and about how I spend my time. So when I saw that drawing where I was riding a surfboard while eating a giant hot dog I got a little emotional. The way she captured my prominent nose, chin and my thin mustache was truly special. That’s me in that photo, that’s who Jeremy Collins is.”

When asked about the session, artist Ken Daniels seemed less than affected by the experience.

“Yeah, a lot of folks pour their souls out to me, and it can get pretty intimate. That’s something I wasn’t ever prepared for when I decided to make a few extra bucks drawing tourists on the pier,” said Daniels while drawing a man with a walrus mustache. “A lot of times, I need to change the subject when people bring up how their father never brought them to the boardwalk or that they gave up their hobbies when they had kids and secretly resent them for it. It just gets too heavy, so I started keeping a box of tissues with me because some of these men really start opening up, and the sadness is real.”

Local therapist Erika Laghari seemed perplexed when asked about the concept of caricature therapy.

“What I do is an attempt to help people become their better selves through conversations, exercises, and sometimes, bookwork,” said Dr. Laghari. “My profession takes years of schooling and I’m constantly learning new techniques to serve my patients needs. I have a hard time believing that an art school drop-out drawing people with heart-shaped boxers and enormous ears can get the same results as me and my colleagues.”

At press time, Collins is sitting for his fifth caricature in three weeks, sobbing about losing his chinchilla while being drawn as a cowboy with bananas for guns.

If Abraham Lincoln Were Here Today, He’d Be Totally Unfuckable by Modern Standards

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The world is changing, and with that change, society is reevaluating historical figures in a new light. Now, we all know Abraham Lincoln did some great things. But when you look at the scope of his entire being and look at it through the lens of 2022, it’s clear as day: Abraham Lincoln would be utterly unfuckable based on today’s standards of beauty.

Like it or not, the standards of beauty change with time. As much as we might like to think that our concept of attractiveness is universal, the sad truth is that our sense of attractiveness is highly dependent on the place and time we’re born into. While we’d like to think aspects like personal charisma, an open heart, or a really tall hat take precedence over more superficial qualities, the sad truth is we’re all servants of our carnal nature. So as much as we would totally want to fuck Honest Abe today, we couldn’t be super public about it.

This is meant with no disrespect to the office of the President of the United States. There have been plenty of fuckable Chief Executives of these United States. John F. Kennedy. Franklin Pierce. Ulysses S. Grant. It’s not the office that’s changed. It’s just that the things we expect in a ravenous sexual relationship have changed since 1865. For all we know, our 16th President may have been considered the most carnally desirable man of his time period. But guess what, Abe? Things done changed.

You know what we don’t find attractive nowadays? One of the weird-ass chinstrap beards with no mustache. Well, except from 1997-1999. Nu metal Lincoln could get it.

In the mid-19th century, the average American bathed maybe once a month. When you consider that even the President scrubbed his pits once a week at best, you’re probably going to start thinking about what it would be like to go to town on a 6’4 Kentuckian who’s never heard of exfoliation.

Plus, you know what’s not sexy? The inability to plan ahead for your successor’s government. If you want to get with us in 2022, you’ll need to be the type of guy who sets up a definitive plan for Reconstruction that doesn’t turn into a shamble of Jim Crow laws and stymied legislation.

Cautious Punk Waits 30 Minutes After Eating Before Stage Diving

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Overly careful punk Jimmy Reynolds patiently waited 30 minutes after eating a full meal before stage diving into an active pit, sources who tried to wave him in anyway confirmed.

“I’m so cautious that I even hold my nose mid-dive so nothing unexpectedly shoots up my sinus cavity,” said Reynolds before drinking a glass of water to help speed up the digestion process. “Tragically, the last time I dove from a stage was immediately after consuming an entire plate of spaghetti and meatballs at the Olive Garden and, hoo boy, did I regret it. The second my body hit the crowd I could feel the unlimited breadsticks on their way back up. Luckily, all that vomiting as a result went completely unnoticed since no one in the pit ever makes eye contact with one another. Honestly, I could’ve taken a piss in the middle of all the action and no one would’ve realized it was me. Urine just kind of blends in with all the various liquids spilled on the floor.”

Venue workers were all too familiar with this common scenario.

“Please, for the love of God, take this rule seriously,” said the venue’s janitor Walter Hayes while mopping up a fair amount of dried up puke from the general admission floor area after the previous night’s hardcore show. “Even a meal as light as a crunchwrap supreme, side of nacho fries, and 72-ounce Pepsi can absolutely wreak havoc on your stage diving experience. Some showgoers have actually been known to starve themselves for a full 24 hours beforehand to avoid the dreaded mild cramping. Take every precaution when it comes to live show participation.”

Experts seemed to discredit the phenomenon altogether.

“Everyone knows that it’s just one big myth,” said local scene legend Frankie “Potato Head” Buehler. “Believe me. You can eat whatever you want mere moments before jumping off stage landing feet first into the heads of strangers and feel just fine. Just don’t be in the pit too long or else your fingers will start to prune. Despite the abundance of moisture from all the sweaty dudes, the pit actually dehydrates you. Weird, right?”

In a related note, Reynolds was ridiculed by his friends for keeping his shirt on in the pit.

Capitol Police Request Urgent Mental Health Resources to Recover from January 6th Hamilton Performance

Posted on by Contributor

WASHINGTON — Representatives from the Capitol Police force requested funding for urgent mental health care for all the officers who responded to today’s presentation from Lin-Manuel Miranda and the cast of Hamilton as part of the commemoration of the January 6th attack at the Capitol.

“Our officers have faced threats to their lives, but nothing could have prepared us for the horror of what was shown to us over Zoom,’ this is truly a sad day,” said Chief Rodney Fuller, still shaking from the experience of viewing cast members of the Broadway musical perform the track “Dear Theodosia.” “I know that years from now, when I try to sleep, I’ll still have nightmares about January 6th, as in today. It’s too late for me, but I’m hoping with help, some of my fellow officers might be able to still live productive, meaningful lives, and maybe even one day experience joy again.”

Local punk Olivia Orozco was unmoved by law enforcement officials’ calls for mental health counseling.

“These cops got exactly what they deserved. They have inflicted so much trauma on this city and I hope their cries for help fall on deaf ears,” said Orozco. “I hope they are subjected to more terrible online performances, I hope they are forced to take those performances home with them. I will personally see to it that every police officer across the country is forced to watch live musical theater over a video conference.”

At press time, a bipartisan committee was immediately formed to investigate the organizers of today’s terrible attack on the Capitol and bring them to justice.

We Interviewed the Wrong Machine Gun Kelly and Now We’re On the Run From the Feds in 1930s Kansas

Posted on by James Knapp

Machine Gun Kelly has been getting a lot of press lately and, as the foremost source of punk rock news, The Hard Times felt it was our obligation to interview him about whatever comically watered down, commercially palatable version of punk people seem to think he does.

Well, guess we got our facts wrong this time because, instead of spending the afternoon listening to hipster nonsense in some artisan crackhouse, we appear to have stumbled into a portal through time and space. Yes, we know, you’re all very disappointed the interview didn’t work out. But perhaps as a consolation we can tell you about life on the run from the FBI with the real gangster Machine Gun Kelly.

After it became apparent that our prepared research wasn’t going to cut it, as no one in this era has any time to care about all that shit, we figured we tried a more gonzo approach and actually observed the depression era MGK doing what he usually does. An hour later we had taken three hostages in a bank vault and were rocking a fedora with a confidence we had never before known.

Since then it’s been pretty much nonstop driving our Buick Roadster through cornfields, robbing fatcats, getting into sporadic shootouts with pursuing G-men and, whenever we have a free minute, trying to figure out how to get back through the time portal.

At the moment we’re currently fleeing our last safehouse after the Feds tracked us down using the most advanced forensic investigative techniques – a chicken farmer named Cletus who can identify tire tracks by smell. With him on their side the coppers have really got us on the run now and we may have to take more hostages for reasons other than just cause we felt like it.

I don’t think I can go back to 21st century life after this. I am still going to try to get the time portal working, but only to live out my childhood dream of living in the old wild west. I’ve instructed Western Union to deliver this draft to my editor at his office exactly 90 years from today. Bill, if you’re reading this, don’t look for me. Also maybe email the real Machine Gun Kelly, he’s probably pissed.

City Declares New Park Open With Ceremonial White Guy Slacklining Between Two Trees

Posted on by James Webster

AUSTIN, Texas — Outdoor enthusiasts gathered today to celebrate the opening of a brand new multi-use outdoor space by watching a shitty-looking white guy perform a traditional slacklining ceremony, semi-enthused witnesses confirmed.

“It’s a real pleasure to have everyone here today,” said Austin Mayor Steve Alder. “It’s been a long time coming. There were moments during the construction that we never thought we’d get here. Through lots of hard work we are now able to watch these young men with below-average personal hygiene do whatever this is. Maybe they will inspire a new generation of people to drop out of improv class and start a compost pile somewhere. It is my belief as mayor that all the citizens of our fair city need somewhere to enjoy the great outdoors, and maybe have a conversation with a kind neighbor, like a young white man with dreadlocks named Tag.”

Residents, while happy about the opening of the park, were slightly confused about the opening ceremonies.

“Do they expect us all to do this? Because this looks really fucking stupid and I don’t want my bare feet touching anything those guys touched,” said Leo Guerrero. “Back in the day these kinds of ceremonies meant something. It would be a display of everything the city has to offer: there would be at least one guy in a mascot costume, you could try the food trucks before the department of sanitation shuts them down, and the police get to show that they can go an hour without killing someone. But this? Two white guys walking a tightrope between a tree? I don’t want my tax dollars going to this. Actually, I could probably make those tax dollars back by just overcharging those two for an eighth.”

Local historians confirmed, however, that slacklining has a storied place in the town’s history.

“It’s an essential part of who we are as a city,” said Jonah Osbourne, a Texas historian and small-batch IPA homebrewer. “Ever since our forefathers began to push the indigenous populations out of their homes in the name of cheaper rent, we’ve been playing hacky sack, giving unsolicited advice about psychedelics, and slacklining in public parks before going back to our exposed-brick apartments. It’s a rich tradition that goes all the way back to the central-Texas tech boom of the 1990s.”

At press time, Mayor Alder was using a pair of novelty-sized scissors to cut the slackline while the two men were walking it, sending them both crashing to the ground.

We Ranked a Bunch of IPAs Because We Needed a Personality and It Was This or Car Guy

Posted on by Dan Rice

Having hobbies and interests is an important part of blending into society, but finding out what your passion is, as rewarding as I’m sure that is, feels like a daunting task. My entire persona used to be “having tattoos” but that just doesn’t cut it anymore. Luckily, society still offers up a few defaults for us “NPC” types.

After factoring in my gender, sexual orientation, race, intellect, and body type I’ve narrowed my accepted personality defaults down to “IPA guy” and “car guy.” Well, I’ve never been good with tools, and I am thirsty, so IPA guy it is! Here’s my ranking of some of the top IPA’s on the market. I’m a big IPA guy.

New England Brewing Co. G-Bot
This simcoe-heavy double IPA delivers a big citrus flavor with a delightfully floral finish, apparently. I don’t know, to be honest it tastes like drinking liquid brown shoe leather, just like every other beer on this list, but cultivating interests is hard and I don’t know the first thing about cars so fuck yeah, simcoe hops!

Dogfish Head 60 Minute
This little number caught my attention because I recognized the logo from a t-shirt I saw some guy wearing once. The guy seemed to be generally regarded as cool so I guess this beer is cool. Truth be told I did not enjoy it, but it beats learning what a catalytic converter is I guess.

This beer is called 60 minute because that’s how long it takes to drink one if you’re really trying. They make another one called 90 minute that’s even worse. I love this stuff.

Lawson’s Finest Liquids Sip of Sunshine
I call this one “ole reliable” because when I brought it to the counter the clerk said “ah, the ole reliable huh?” and I nodded like I knew what he was talking about. It is incredibly difficult to drink, but I hate those Fast and Furious movies, so I guess I’m “here for it.”

Stone Brewing Ruination 2.0
God, I feel horrible. Is it possible to be allergic to hoppy beer? My stomach feels like it has a frozen pine cone lodged in it, which to clarify for the uninitiated is incredibly bad. Cars are fucking stupid though, so this beer is a must-have.

Lagunitas IPA
Okay really starting to wish I knew what some other types of beer are because being an IPA guy is WORK. I just threw up and it tasted exactly the same as it did going down, which is to say God awful. Well, I’m not mechanically inclined, so Lagunitas IPA: 5 Stars.

Aston Martin DB5
Yup, could not swallow another drop of IPA, so I’m a car guy now. This is the car that James Bond drives, which is a pretty big deal to us car guys, or “car heads” as we prefer to be called.

This was maybe not the best idea since I’m pretty drunk at this point and I don’t even really know how to drive in the first place but fuck it. I would rather die in a fiery wreck than force down one more sip of shitty, shitty IPA beer. Paul Walker, here I come!

Bassist Officially Masters the Instrument 16 Minutes Into First Lesson

Posted on by Peter Woods

APPLETON, Wis. — Teenage prodigy Shari Ford is being hailed as the next great bassist after mastering the electric bass guitar 16 minutes into her very first lesson, sources close to the low-end wunderkind confirmed.

“I thought I was done playing music once I gave up on piano after trying for six months straight because it was so stinkin’ hard,” said Ford, who has already booked studio sessions with multiple big named artists. “I found out pretty quickly that all you have to do is hold down one of the strings on the fret with one hand and then hit the string using the pick with the other hand by going up and down and you’re pretty much set. Honestly, I feel a little silly that it even took me 16 minutes, I could have probably done it in 10 if I focused a bit more.”

Bass instructor Armando Gilbert says mastering the bass is relatively common, but Ford was able to do it faster than any of his previous students.

“16 minutes is probably a record for one of my students,” said Gilbert. “I do my best to try to stretch it out. I show them a bunch of sheet music to try to confuse them and then talk about how there are basses with way more than four strings. That usually ties them up for a while and I can get their parents to agree to a few more lessons, but they eventually catch on to the fact that I’m stalling and all you have to do is try out frets until it sounds good and pluck in rhythm.”

“Not to mention no one is ever going to hear you in the mix, so you’re really only there to scam more drink tickets,” added Gilbert.

However, some bassists have begun to question the legitimacy of Ford’s claim.

“No way she mastered it that fast,” said Flea, bassist for legendary rock and roll band Red Hot Chili Peppers. “Sure, they can probably pick a few notes, but have they learned slap bass yet? You haven’t tamed this dragon until you can slap and pop. When I was learning to play bass, it took me at least 45 minutes to get that down and my teacher said I was the fastest student ever. So let’s just wait to see how long it takes her to get that down before going wild here.”

At press time, Ford is claiming that she is “looking for something a bit more challenging than the bass,” and recently announced plans to try playing noise music.

Man Can’t Decide Whether To Pronounce Foreign Word Like an Asshole or an Idiot

Posted on by Brandon Talley

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local man Jeff Beeswick reportedly can’t decide whether to pronounce foreign words like some sort of pompous asshole or an uncultured idiot while dining at an Italian restaurant, several judgmental sources confirmed.

“This hardly seems fair. I’m being penalized for doing research. I watched five different YouTube videos on pronunciation so I didn’t accidentally insult an entire country’s culture, but now I’m realizing I’ll just end up looking like the type of person that won’t shut up about Mensa. Why didn’t somebody warn me?” Beeswick stated, while periodically trying out different pronunciations of “amatriciana.” “The waiter is staring at me like I’m wasting his time, but I know how it works. If I don’t say it correctly I’m gonna look like the type of person who only does missionary and this guy is going to make fun of me to all the cool chefs in the back. But if the table next to me hears me try to roll my r’s they’re gonna think I’m compensating for something. This is high school all over again.”

Others at the scene further confirmed these events, but were less than sympathetic to Beeswick’s situation.

“That fucking guy would not order his food. Go ahead, take your time while I’m trying to juggle eight other tables, that’s clearly not annoying,” said impatient waiter Michael Shelton. “I don’t have time for that. Just order, because I’ve heard it all and couldn’t care less how you’re going to say it. Unless you say it totally wrong. Or if you try, but it kinda sounds weird. And I guess also if you say it with a flawless accent, because who the hell do you think you are?”

Experts are quick to point out that the population will be forced to adapt to this growing issue as culinary globalization continues.

“Everybody needs to start taking themselves and pronunciation a lot more seriously. Not that most people can say these words correctly even if they do try,” stated language coach Simon Montet. “It takes years of study and practice to pronounce these things correctly. That’s why I find it helpful to lean over to the table next to mine while they’re ordering and correct peoples’ pronunciation. Everybody has to do their part if we want to become a civilized society.”

At press time, Beeswick had made plans to give up on language entirely and just point to what he wanted on the menu.