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If Stolen Valor Is So Bad Then Why Did It Get Me a Better Seat at This Restaurant?

At ease, soldier! Just kidding, I know you’re not in the military. Don’t tell anyone but neither am I. But it’s authentic-sounding phrases like that, coupled with my questionably-attained Marine Dress Blues and service medals, that I’m able to do anything I want. Including getting a sick table at this busy restaurant. It’s true what they say, everyone loves a man in uniform!

If you listen to the naysayers, you’ll hear people claim stolen valor is “immoral” or that someone impersonating a member of the military could be “prosecuted under the Stolen Valor Act of 2013.” Oh come on. If it was really that bad then why did I just casually skip ahead of a bunch of people in line who actually had reservations and now I’m busy chomping down on this delicious Kobe beef while those losers are still hungry as fuck? Oorah!

That’s another badass phrase I know, I literally have hundreds of them. Some are easy to remember because they’re also movie titles like “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” or “Zero Dark Thirty.” I have no clue what they mean but I do know that one starred Tiny Fey and she sure as shit wasn’t in the military. I just don’t think what me and Ms. Fey are doing could possibly be that bad.

Before you judge me, I’d like to set the record straight by stating that I don’t agree with the term “stolen valor.” I’m not stealing anything. I borrowed this uniform and some medals from my neighbor when he was overseas. At worst, it’s “borrowed valor.” But whatever it’s not like he can use it! He’s still stationed in Iraq and I doubt the restaurants over there are showing him the level of respect he deserves. Unlike the staff and patrons here, who are being super grateful to me, a proxy for his service.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to change into this priest’s cassock and vanish into the night before the bill gets here. Glory to God!