AUSTIN, Texas — Local punk and self-declared “dish-truther” Sammy Gladwin has been reported by multiple sources as using both sides of plates to save on having to wash them.
“Between working at a street taco food truck, officiating Magic the Gathering drafts, and playing drums in bands, I’m a pretty dang busy guy,” Gladwin stated. “We were out of clean plates at the house and it just hit me: plates have two sides. I took one out of the sink, flipped that bad boy over and microwaved a burrito on it right then and there. I’m now getting twice the use out of one plate, but if I’m being honest, you can get even more than just two uses out of a well-seasoned plate, but I don’t know if people are ready to hear that yet.”
Gladwin’s roommate expressed trouble vocalizing the positive aspects of sharing a living space with a man of such ingenuity and forethinking, going so far as to call into question the merits of Gladwin’s work ethic.
“Isn’t it obvious? Sammy clearly just doesn’t want to do dishes. He’s fuckin’ lazy. But no, instead of putting any effort into washing shit, he’s completely rearranged our kitchen counters to hold his ‘limbo’ plates,” roommate Darius McMurtry stated. “With the counter space going to these ‘half-used racks’ and the amount of time he now spends in the bathroom with food poisoning, I can barely use any shared space in this house.”
Despite constant criticism, some close to Gladwin seem genuinely proud of his resourcefulness and were eager to share more time-saving tips for the kitchen.
“My boyfriend should definitely write a book because he’s clearly onto something big here. Like, did you know that you can eat off of almost anything flat? Records, books, old mail, guitars, the list goes on and on, plus they all have two sides the same as plates!” said Gladwin’s boyfriend of four months, Danny Gao. “This plate reckoning has me questioning everything. Do you realize regular sticks from trees and even pencils work fine as chopsticks? And, hey—you tell me where it says on any packaging for take-out utensils that they can’t be used more than once if they don’t look dirty. This is straight-up whole-brained shit I’m talking about.”
Gladwin was last observed handing out self-made zines about the merits of reusing underwear by flipping it inside out.
Photo by Jana Miller.