Unprecedented Political Genius: My Mom Thinks Everyone Should Just Get Along

Posted on by Dan Rice

There’s no denying that we live in a time of conflict. At no point in living memory has this country’s fault lines of class, race, gender, and politics seemed so unstable. But if you’re looking at the world and feeling hopeless, you obviously haven’t watched my mom watch the news.

My mother, who, unbeknownst to anyone until dinner last night, had been working out the problems of the world in the back of her mind like some kinda crazy computational matrix, has arrived at a solution that can solve every problem, on both a local and global scale: Everyone should just get along.

In recent years this country has witnessed dangerous far-right conspiracy movements evolve into a mainstream presence. What if instead of a right wing/left wing two-party system that grew exponentially more polarizing each year, we had just been nice?

You can literally apply my mom’s solution to any hot-button issue and, BAM, problem solved. Check it out:

Wage gaps – “Everybody just get along.”
Institutional racism – “Everybody just get along.”
Abortion – “Everybody just get along.”

Consider the COVID problem. Half of the country believes that precautions must be taken by everyone to stop people from dying. The other half of the country is angrily not doing that and killing people. These two groups are constantly arguing and it’s very annoying, but if they instead just got along, they wouldn’t be doing that!

If my mother’s breakthrough “everyone just get along” system was put into place during the Capitol riots they wouldn’t even be called “The Capitol riots!” They would just be called “The Capitol everyone getting along,” and doesn’t that sound nice?!

My mom has even determined that America’s true golden age was actually September 12th, 2001 because, you guessed it, “Everybody got along that day” If you don’t believe her, she posted a meme on Facebook to prove it!

My mother’s political strategy doesn’t just stop with America. Imagine the global implications of getting along. Imagine if Israel and Palestine decided to just get along and instead of doing wars were just being nice. Imagine how less dark history would have been if Hitler got along.

Yes, it wasn’t enough that my mom simplified the world by deciding that all dogs are boys and all cats are girls, she just had to go and fix the whole damned thing! If you really want to make a difference in this world take a cue from my mom and compromise everything you believe in to avoid having a single conflict ever.

Foo Fighters Invite Fans On Stage to Play Every Instrument, Every Song, Every Show Of Tour

Posted on by Steve Esparra

TEMPE, Ariz. — Attendees at a recent Foo Fighters concert were treated to a special surprise when the band brought fans on stage to play drums, bass, guitar and keyboards until they were left playing every song of the entire show.

“Dude… that was so epic!” said concertgoer Hank Tadio, of the two-hour long concert. “I mean sure, my tickets were like, $200 bucks, and it would have been nice to see Dave and the boys play at least one song by themselves; but I did get to sing the lead vocals on ‘Big Me’ and my girlfriend got it all on her phone so that’s pretty sick.”

Foo Fighters founding member Dave Grohl was pleased he was able to provide so many fans with a memory they will never forget.

“Yeah… you know us. We like to put on the best show possible and get all the fans involved; even if that means not actually playing any of the songs ourselves. With our tour schedule, we decided it might be nice to take a break night in and night out.” Grohl explained. “Taylor came up with the idea to let a fan play drums for a song, and Pat was like ‘Shit, why not let them play the whole show?’ Then I was like ‘Well if Taylor’s getting a night off, why can’t I?’ So it was a collective decision that this tour is all about the fans… for the fans, and most importantly, BY the fans.”

Concert promoter Morty Bregman didn’t see the stand-ins as favorably as others, however.

“Who goes and pulls a stunt like this? I got 75% of the people asking me for a refund!” Bregman said, pacing back and forth. “They’re all complaining that they paid to see the Foo Fighters, not some glorified cover band masquerading as ‘fans’. Wait until the later dates on the tour start getting wind of this shit… they’re gonna have to change from arenas to basements.”

You can catch Foo Fighters on their latest tour, sitting side stage in recliners counting huge amounts of cash while laughing and smoking cigars.

Depressed Man Instructs Olive Garden Server to Just Leave the Cheese Grater

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

OVERLAND PARK, Kan. — Local pasta enthusiast, Harold Roy, told the server at the Metcalf South Mall Olive Garden location to just leave the grater of complementary parmesan cheese on the table while struggling with a severe bout of seasonal depression, stunned diners reported.

“I asked him if we wanted any shredded cheese on his Chicken Five-Cheese-Marinara Cavatappi and he said ‘yes.’ Then I just started turning that crank and he never said ‘when.’ Never,” Blanche Delgado, Roy’s server for the evening, stated while fetching another brick of cheese for him. “Finally he told me to just set the grater down and walk away without ever looking up from his plate. We aren’t supposed to do that, but I could tell he was in a bad place.”

“I was prepared to cut him off if I had to, but I saw him tuck the napkin into the neck of his shirt, so I knew he wasn’t totally far gone,” she added.

Roy, however, barely even remembers the incident.

“I guess I was in a bit of a fugue state. I don’t even remember driving to the restaurant. I just had a need to shove pasta in my mouth to keep from crying and suddenly there I was on my third plate of pasta and I was just making it snow with parmesan,” Roy reported after coming too in the afternoon of the next day. “I guess that is another Olive Garden I’m too embarrassed to return to. I’m going to have to drive all the way to Topeka from now on.”

Lola Sanchez, Olive Garden’s VP of Customer Relations, was not surprised by news of this event.

“This is a sight we see all too often at the OG, unfortunately. We have decided that it’s best for the safety of our staff and to avoid anyone making a scene to just let the customer have the grater and keep the breadsticks coming,” Sanchez explained. “We do charge them for the extra cheese, but most don’t even look at the bill when it comes, they just hand their credit card to the server and slink away into the night.”

As of closing time, several Olive Garden employees reported that Roy also stretched the limitations of what a ‘Never Ending Pasta Bowl’ legally constitutes.

Band Finally Hits It Big With New Practice Space They Can Steal Copper Wiring From

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

OKLAHOMA CITY — Local band Not Just a Faze got the biggest break of their career after discovering that their entire rehearsal space has a shitload of copper wiring just behind the drywall that’s ready for the taking, sources confirmed.

“We really hit the jackpot here. Not only does the landlord live out of state and only checks up on things if there’s a lapse in payment or a fire or something, I reckon there’s at least 40 yards of copper in this unit alone,” said frontman Jared Klein as he oiled up his wire strippers. “Our bassist Dylan is a small dude, so if he can get into the crawl space, we’re looking at a huge payday. Copper density is 8.96 grams per cubic centimeter last time I checked, so we’re looking at, like, $200. This is the break we’ve been working for.”

Casey Briggs, the landlord in question, states that she is not as ignorant of the petty theft as the band thinks she is.

“The funny thing is that I own the entire strip mall, but nobody really wants to rent there because it’s full of rot and also in the middle of Tornado Alley. I also have a closed-circuit camera set up on one of the lamp posts outside,” Briggs asserts. “Unless they’re playing in the shittiest folk band known to man, then it’s pretty obvious that they’re using those buckets from Home Depot to haul out scrap. I really couldn’t care less. Truth be told, I have a nice insurance policy for any and all damages, and nobody else is renting. This is the break I’ve been waiting for.”

Music accountant Leon Chodroff isn’t unfamiliar with the financial activity of bands in a similar situation.

“I’ve been preparing taxes for bands for decades, and it’s always the same thing — they think if they make a big score on copper wire, vintage wallpaper, or leftover drink tickets from the night before, then they’re set. It’s how they spend that screws them over,” Chodroff said with a knowing gaze. “See, they get excited that they can score an 8 ball for the weekend, but then that’s where all the money ends up going. Whenever line 11 on their tax forms sees a spike, they lose the rehearsal space shortly after. It’s best if they use whatever extra money they find to fund the rent, and then they can find drugs on their own time.”

At press time, every band member was spotted trying to operate an excavator that has a $300 per hour rental fee.

These 6 Words Could Be Sabotaging You at Job Interviews, but They’re Pretty Obvious, Like the First One Is “Fuckpie”

Posted on by Dan Rice

When it comes to getting hired, being the best candidate on paper is only half the battle. There is a certain art to giving the perfect job interview. If you’re good at it you can find yourself rising well above your station, but if you’re the type of person who doesn’t interview well then all of the qualifications in the world can’t save you.

If you’re constantly getting turned down from jobs that you know you would be a perfect fit for, it may be time to change up your interview game. Here are six words you may not be realizing are sabotaging you in front of potential employers. Gotta be honest though, these are all pretty obvious, and this list probably won’t be super helpful.

Honestly if you actually do any of these, you have a much much longer way to go before you’re hireable or maybe even presentable to the public at large.

1. Fuckpie
I mean, yeah, don’t say “fuckpie” at an interview for a goddamn job. This really should not come as a shock to anyone. Don’t do it.

Okay on the off chance you’re struggling with this one, put yourself in the employer’s shoes. You’ve narrowed your search down to two equally qualified candidates. One of them is normal, the other tosses around “fuckpie” all willy-nilly in a professional setting. You get it right?

2. Dipshit
If this comes as a surprise then god help you but yes, calling someone a dipshit in front of a potential employer on your first meeting can make you look bad. Let’s say you are asked about your current employer. Instead of saying “that place is run by dipshits” try saying “I’ve grown as much as I can there and it’s time for me to move on.”

If you find this advice to be eye opening, you should also probably go ahead and change everything about your life.

3. Twatwaffle
This word is a little dated and can age you in the eyes of hiring managers. Also, this is an interview. For a job. You weren’t really planning on saying “twatwaffle” were you? Were you?

4. Dick-for-shits
This term is simply not in line with the current climate of most professional environments. Also, what does that even mean? If you use this word at all in any context you may be the only one and you should stop.

5. Horny
Don’t say horny. If you are horny, just don’t bring it up. Dance around it.

6. Swastika-junkie
At no point in the interview process should you use the term “Swastika-junkie,” even if you’re just trying to make it clear that you aren’t one.

“Please Listen to My Album With Headphones” Says Artist Lucky to Get 10 Seconds Out of a Phone Speaker

Posted on by John Danek

LONDON — Bedroom post-punk musician Rob Davidson begged listeners to use headphones while listening to his latest EP, apparently unaware that he would be fortunate to get a single preview through a phone speaker, disappointed loved ones revealed.

“I spent triple the usual time mixing and layering and panning on this 4-song EP, so please listen with a good, and preferably open-back, set of headphones!” pleaded the oblivious Davidson, who spent a reported $900 on convolution reverb plugins this Black Friday. “Please don’t just listen on your laptop or crappy Bluetooth boombox. And God forbid, don’t ever play it through your phone speaker. You spit, piss, and shit on my ancestors’ graves if you play these jams through an iPhone.”

Davidson’s close friend and roommate Caroline Scott is losing the motivation to humor his untenable requests.

“Oh for fuck’s sake! Does he really think people are going to go grab headphones and a 3.5mm to Lightning adapter because he makes part of a guitar solo move from left to right? Whoop-dee-fucking-whoop,” grunted Scott who hasn’t listened to a Davidson release since 2018. “I’m glad music makes Rob happy but he has no self-awareness. Albums and EPs are dead. You should focus on writing 60-second jingles in the hopes that some tween stitches it on TikTok and you go viral for 10 days.”

Longtime music producers question the effectiveness of begging the audience to consume art in specific, cumbersome ways.

“Here’s the thing—panning and mixing and compression and effects don’t make a shitty song any better,” explained legendary producer Rick Rubin. “You know what makes a song better? Drugs. And a kickass drummer. You should listen back to your music and ask yourself ‘Does this song suck?’ But that would require being honest with yourself, which is something very few musicians are capable of. If someone listens to the intro of your album through a broken transistor radio, count that as a win. Hell, start mixing specifically for phone speakers. The battle is lost. I sold my studio’s monitors and now listen to mixes via my shattered-screen iPhone XS.”

Davidson reportedly continues to force difficult listening methods upon his audience, as he decided to print an upcoming album to 8-track tape for the “retro vibe.”

10 Bands Who Stole Their Biggest Hit

Posted on by James Knapp

For most bands, writing a chart topping hit song is the ultimate test of artistic ability. For some, however, it’s a way to see just how much they can steal and (usually) still get away with it. These are some of the most popular bands of all time who completely ripped off their biggest song.

Green Day, “American Idiot”

By the early 2000s, Green Day had largely lost their mainstream appeal and were desperate to pursue a new direction. The breakthrough came when a friend of Billie Joe Armstrong gifted the frontman a “My First Guitar” learning guidebook, from which Armstrong directly lifted the melody and most of the lyrics to “American Idiot.”

The Beatles, “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”

Despite John Lennon’s claim that he wrote the song after being inspired by a drawing his son made, sources close to the dirty, bespectacled thief confirmed that the lyrics were stolen from a letter Eric Clapton wrote him in which Clapton uses the moniker “Lucy in the sky with diamonds” to refer to Ringo.

The B-52s, “Rock Lobster”

Fred Schneider admitted in a 2002 Rolling Stone interview how he shamelessly stole the concept behind the song:

“I was at nude beach next to a toxic waste dump and there was this guy there just plucking away on a guitar and singing about, oh, whatever was around – mostly deformed nudists and animals horribly mutated by the toxic chemicals. I thought it was catchy, so I wrote it all down, added in a few bikinis for good taste and we had a hit.”

Radiohead, “Creep”

Radiohead’s biggest hit was originally an old Norwegian folk song about a trickster grinch named Crepjinepjon who sneaks into the homes of lonely children and leaves them gifts of fish and birch bark. Thom Yorke revised the lyrics so that Crepjinepjon was in high school and had acne scars, thus forever changing 90s sad-rock.

Public Enemy, “Fight the Power”

This combative ballad of class struggle and racial disharmony started as a commercial jingle for a regional brand of non-scarring laundry detergent. Original lyrics read “Fight the power… of ground-in blood and dirt stains.”

Everclear, that song with all the “na na na na” bullshit in it

Honestly, we didn’t even bother researching this one. It’s just so stolen it’s not even good.

Queen, “Bohemian Rhapsody”

Freddie Mercury and Brian May quite literally stole “Bohemian Rhapsody” on the night they freebased ephedrine and hijacked Elton John’s tour van. On the van’s dashboard the completed song was already recorded to a cassette, having also been stolen by John earlier that day. The original artist is unknown and presumed murdered.

Oasis, two irritating British guys beating’ the shit out of each other

The Gallagher brothers’ most popular act, being belligerent assholes who beat the fuck out each other, was ripped off directly from vaudeville duo The Archibalds. The duo saw some local success in the 1930s but failed to break through to the mainstream, and years later Oasis would capitalize on their routine by stealing their biggest hit involving shouting profanity through a fog of gin breath and frail British fists.

Smash Mouth, “All Star”

Though they’ve never admitted it, internet sleuths discovered in 2010 that the lyrics to “All Star” directly correlate to the inscription from every inspirational Hallmark card from 1999.

Nickelback, all of it

Shortly after converting to voodoo, Chad Kroger tearfully confessed “we stole from the very beginning, everything. When we started the band we had one rule: do whatever the Foo Fighters do, but bad.”

Man Dirties Up Apartment So He Can Get Caught Up on Podcasts

Posted on by Mark Hassenfratz

NEW PALTZ, N.Y. — Local man Stephen Banquist scattered clothing, pet hair, and random bits of garbage all over his apartment to give himself an excuse to get fully caught up on his favorite podcasts, several sources confirmed.

“I can’t just sit down and listen to a podcast, that’s fucking psychotic. Anyone that does that should be locked up. I need to stay busy and doing chores is the best time to listen to podcasts, but I’m really far behind because of the holidays so I keep cleaning and making a mess again,” said Banquist while dumping the contents of his garbage can all over his clean dishes. “I already cleaned the gutters, organized my basement, and hand washed the floors and I still had episodes of ‘Stop, Murder Time’ and ‘Misfitville’ to get caught up on, so I did what any loyal listener would do and threw some coffee grounds and old fruit around in the kitchen so I can get scrubbing.”

Banquist’s roommates have been very happy with his over the top cleaning habits.

“I’ve lived with Stephen for about eight months now, and he’s definitely the best roommate I’ve ever had,” said Banquist’s roommate, Dave Grez. “It’s like living with my own personal housekeeper. I recommended he listen to ‘In Pod We Trust’ and I haven’t had to dust the shelves or sweep the floor for weeks! Me and our other roommate Ben just got some recording equipment so we can take out the middleman. Our banter as roommates is hilarious, so all we have to do is press record to have a hit comedy podcast!”

Experts say Banquist is but one of thousands of listeners who use unconventional tactics in order to get up to date.

“We’ve seen a lot of data supporting that podcast listeners are making more time for mundane tasks in order to get caught up on their favorite shows,” said Spotify executive Josh Pludd. “We’ve seen commuters purposely taking the long way to work, as well as consumers who decide to go to grocery stores during peak checkout times. We’ve even heard at least one report of a ‘Historyomatic’ fan who resorted to marathon training despite never having run a single mile in his life.”

At press time, Banquist was reportedly seen smiling and squeezing expired ketchup onto his clean laundry after a surprise bonus episode was released.

Guitar Center Employee Thinks You Just Might Be Good Enough to Handle Their Most Expensive Guitar

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SAINT LOUIS — Local Guitar Center sales associate Frank Helms stunned colleagues after discovering you in the Fender section of the store and announcing that you just might be good enough to handle their most expensive guitar.

“I cannot stress enough how rare this is. Usually someone comes in here and they start playing and I think to myself ‘another middle of the road hack,’” said Helms while smoking out back by a dumpster. “I saw this unassuming customer checking out the merchandise, and they just picked up that stratocaster and played — what did they call it — a G chord? Now, I’ve worked at this Guitar Center for almost two months now, and let me just say: they had the goods. I sold them the Fender Grand Custom Ultra, which happens to be around seven grand, but something tells me they’re ready. They had everything that a budding guitar master needs: a limitless credit card and nobody with them to say ‘maybe this is a bit much.’”

Although skeptical at first, you were eventually won over by the employee’s enthusiasm at your playing.

“I was just walking through the guitar section, I tripped over a display case and a sales associate rushed over and asked me to sign his guitar,” you said, toting your three new amps and twelve pedals out to your car. “I had never played the guitar before, but according to him I’m a natural. Obviously, a born musician like me would just be held back with a beginner level guitar, which I was informed by the employee, so I had to upgrade to the big leagues right away. He even said he has a friend that can help me build a recording studio in my garage, this is a dream come true”

Guitar Center CEO Ronald Japinga weighed in on the in-store sales technique.

“Say what you will about the tactic, but it works,” said Japinga. “I remember personally finding about ten or twelve superstars every shift, eventually using it on other employees to climb my way to the top of the ladder. I even landed my job as CEO by convincing the previous CEO that he had what it takes to be a world renowned frontman. Last I checked the guy had to sell his house and his band’s demo completely sucks, but I’m still on top.”

At press time, Helms has yet to convince a single person to join the Guitar Center Rewards program, which even at zero dollars was clearly a ripoff.

Crust Punk Updates Bucket List with “Get Disease Named After Me”

Posted on by Peter Woods

ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Local crust punk Lou “Canker Sore” Schultz revised his bucket list to include getting a disease named after him in an effort to better plan for his future and ongoing legacy, bemused roommates confirmed.

“It was really eye opening, taking stock of my life and realizing that I have absolutely nothing to show for it,” said Schultz. “Like, I have done absolutely nothing with these past 27 years. But I don’t really see that changing, considering my band broke up 12 years ago, I have no hobbies, and I have no desire to do anything besides getting fucked up and going to shows. The only way people will ever remember my name is if I develop some sort of flesh eating bacteria that can’t be treated by modern medicine, or maybe a way bloodier version of Typhoid Fever.”

While the plan may seem ambitious to some, those close to Schultz have shared their belief in the crust punk’s new ambition.

“Canker Sore might have made some ridiculous claims in the past, but I really think he can pull this one off,” said house medical expert Nicolas “Shitrod” Aguilar. “I almost got through EMT training, so I know a thing or two about diseases. And Canker Sore is always putting weird, synthetic drugs and moldy food into his system without doing anything to keep himself healthy. No showering, no tooth brushing, and I’m pretty sure the only water he drinks is from a puddle in our backyard. He’s the perfect breeding ground for a new virus.”

Despite the enthusiasm being shared between roommates, others in the medical field are less excited about the prospect of Schultz attaining this honor.

“There’s no way we would ever let that happen,” said Claudette Acosta, a PR representative for the American Medical Association. “We would never, and I mean never, just name a disease after a random crust punk. We save that honor for actual celebrities who make the world a better place. If you want us to name a miserable disease that puts you through hell for an extended period before killing you and ruining the lives of your entire family in the process after you, then you had better be a beloved and cherished public figure first. Otherwise, forget it.”

Medical experts are reporting that Schultz has cultivated up to four novel diseases in his stomach but recently killed off all of them after slamming an entire bottle of expired Jim Beam over the course of twelve minutes.