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Opinion: If The President Really Cared About My Interests, Why Doesn’t He Have A Sick Horror VHS Collection?

Throughout our nation’s history, the President of the United States of America has always claimed to be a man of the people. Teddy Roosevelt with his big game hunting, Bill Clinton with his Saxophone playing, George Bush JR with his illiteracy, etc. But no President has ever represented a massive demographic that I happen to be a part of, the Horror VHS collector.

Just look at our current Commander In Chief, Joe Biden. I’m glad Trump didn’t get reelected, but at least he had some controversy involving an alleged VHS of him getting pissed on.

I could see Biden having some old Laurel and Hardy or Western Tapes laying around, but he hasn’t given me one reason to believe he gives a shit about the rising prices in the horror VHS market. He constantly goes on about tackling skyrocketing gas and grocery prices, but not ONCE have I heard him mention the fact that “STREET TRASH” shouldn’t be more than a $25 dollar tape.

Biden’s Infrastructure Bill is something I couldn’t care less about. He goes on about rebuilding the nation’s bridges and roads but not one thing about bringing back the mom-and-pop video store. What good is a freshly paved road when it doesn’t lead to a store where I can score a near-mint copy of Rawhead Rex?

Biden is nothing but a puppet and shill for the streaming-industrial complex. He doesn’t give a shit about the massive horror selection you could only find by going to the actual video store! And as far as building sturdy bridges, I’d like to see him push for a bill to make a nice coffin-shaped shelf so my big box tapes can be more accessible.

As foreign affairs go, I believe the world would benefit from having a niche horror market collector leading the U.S.A.

I believe the crisis in Ukraine would be lessened if Russia’s and the world’s leaders made a sick trade deal. One Russian copy of BURIAL GROUND for a mint U.S. copy of WOODCHIPPER MASSACRE. Boom. I’m sure it wouldn’t solve everything outright, but it could lead to a greater conversation. Maybe the world’s leaders would get together and discuss the crisis of no longer being able to find good tapes in the wild anymore.

We need a President who gives a shit about the intricacies of horror VHS collecting, and the financial and social burden the hobby entails, not some sleepy geriatric who thinks “Shudder and Chill” is good enough.