Woman That Once Ate Package of Fireworks Suddenly Expert on Everything After Becoming a Mother

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

TAUNTON, Mass. — Local maniac and new mother Aidy Simmons is now apparently the foremost expert on health, safety, and almost every other topic now that she’s responsible for keeping a human being alive, annoyed friends confirmed.

“I don’t want to be one of those overprotective moms, my own mother had her issues with letting go that might have fucked me up a little when I was younger,” said the woman who once ate an active roman candle from the lit end, not even on a dare, just to do it. “Back before I had Strummer I made a lot of impulsive mistakes. But I’ve developed a sort of intuition over the past few months and now nobody is going to be allowed to touch him if they use a hand lotion containing parabens, I don’t need that shit irritating him. He’s very sensitive, which he must get from his father. He gets an upset tummy if his food isn’t at the right temperature. I wish Strummer got a bit more of my toughness, just last year I licked bird shit off a car window for a cigarette and barely got sick.”

Those close to Simmons are happy that motherhood has tamed her wild edge, but admit they are annoyed by her sudden wealth of pseudo-knowledge.

“Three years ago I was visiting Aidy in the hospital because she broke her legs jumping from a balcony into a kiddie pool. All her friends were worried that she was going down a path of self-destruction, then she got pregnant and it all changed,” said friend and former roommate Samarra Gotlieb. “Now things are just weird. She’s gained a pretty big following on Tik Tok sharing recipes for homemade lotions that seem dangerous. And last week she brought a bunch of frozen bags of breast milk to a food drive which definitely isn’t non-perishable, to say the least.”

Parental psychologist Wilson Lee says this sort of behavior is common with new parents everywhere.

“It takes zero skill to become a parent, but it’s a big lifestyle change for anyone who experiences it. Because of this, new parents tend to go completely insane and think that bringing life into the world makes them god-like,” said Lee. “It’s usually a symptom of trying to overcompensate for the accidental pregnancy. It’s fine if you and your partner got drunk and banged in a Waffle House parking lot without protection, but that mistake doesn’t qualify you to be an asshole nine months later and for the next 18 years.”

Simmons was last seen on the campus of MIT insisting that being a mother qualifies her to run the school’s biology department.

Opinion: Anyone Closer to the Stage Than Me is Too Young And Everyone Behind Me is Old As Fuck

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Punk concerts are about chaos and anarchy. But, that rebellious spirit doesn’t change the fact that there’s only one reasonable place to stand during a show – right next to me in the middle, baby.

Look at all those young jackasses squished up front near the stage, spilling their beer and bouncing off one another without a care in the world. Uh, first concert much?

I guess, if I think back far enough, I can almost remember a time where I was up there with the kids, laughing and singing along to every word. That was a time in my life when I had “hopes and dreams” and “planned to travel the world” and “didn’t want to be the associate manager of a Pacsun.”

Well, so much for that! Optimism is stupid, the future is fucked, and all Volcom hoodies are 40% off at Pacsun this weekend with the promo code “lifeismeaningless.” I’ll save a spot in the middle for ya, Gen Zers.

And these Gen Xers behind me are even worse. Look at them, only ever uncrossing their arms to take a sip from their craft IPAs. I see one dude in a Jawbreaker shirt practically standing in the parking lot whose only form of rhythmic movement is sarcastically rolling his eyes.

Sure, I’ve incrementally moved back from the stage myself throughout the years. In fact, I’m somehow 5 feet closer to those comforting “EXIT” signs in the back than I was at the beginning of this set. And sure, I’m enjoying a cold IPA, but I’m not like way into it. I’ll never embarrass myself the way those ancient slackers are!

There’s a difference between a respectable distance from the pit (which, we can all admit, is getting scarier every year) and backing up so far you need your bifocals just to see who’s playing. And it’s a distinction that can only be made by me, a 35-year-old in that perfect cultural sweet spot to be obsessed with quotes from “The Sandlot” but equally confused by both black-and-white classic films and anything with Timothee Chalamet.

Nope, there’s only one acceptable place to stand at a concert, and that’s exactly where I’m standing: directly in the middle of the venue, completely and utterly alone.

Kirk Hammett Forgets If James or Lars Has Custody of Him This Weekend

Posted on by John Danek

SAN RAFAEL, Calif. — Metallica lead guitarist and wah pedal enthusiast Kirk Hammett couldn’t remember if he is supposed to go to James Hetfield’s mansion or Lars Ulrich’s mansion this weekend, the guitarist admitted to friends.

“A lot of people don’t know that James and Lars agreed to joint custody of me, which you can see in a deleted scene on the ‘Some Kind of Monster’ DVD,” explained Hammett, who fully understands that James and Lars both still love him. “But I’m not sure where I’m supposed to go after surfing this Friday. I like going to James’ because he gives me guitars, but I have to be asleep by 11 p.m. Lars’ is fun because we stay up until 4 a.m. drinking whiskey, but then I have to sleep on the floor, and he always tells me not to tell James I got to eat Lucky Charms for breakfast and dinner.”

Metallica frontman and rhythm guitarist James Hetfield expressed frustration at having to bear so much responsibility in the band.

“I can’t wait until Kirk turns 80 and he is fully emancipated,” admitted Hetfield who has begun writing the band’s next album, which is expected to drop in 2034. “It’s definitely Lars’ weekend. This back and forth is nonsense. But since he and I just can’t seem to jive under the same roof, it’s the way it’s gotta be, brother. We got through another awkward holiday season with the handoff, but Kirk still seems stoked about having two Christmases so that’s good.”

Metallica historians point out that interpersonal relationships between the band have influenced the overwhelming majority of their music.

“Not many people know this but ‘Master of Puppets’ was written about the court proceedings over Kirk’s custody battle,” said Todd Langley, author of several Metallica biographies. “’Enter Sandman’ started as a lullaby that James would sing to Kirk to get him to fall asleep, and ‘Welcome Home (Sanitarium)’ was written to help Kirk feel more comfortable in James’ new house. ‘Fuel’ is still just a song about gasoline, though.”

Trouble within the Metallica camp continued to worsen, as no one remembered to pick bassist Robert Trujilo up from soccer practice.

We Interviewed Mom Because We’re About To Ask for Money but We Feel Kinda Guilty

Posted on by Camden Brazile

When the legendary parental figure and caretaker, our Mom, was available for an interview literally any time for the past three years, we passed, believing that we had all the information we needed from her. But with everything that’s happened in the world during that time, and with our dipshit landlord breathing down our necks, a follow-up interview with the matriarch seemed appropriate, and to be honest lucrative.

We called mom for a brief, (please God let it be brief,) interview at her home somewhere in Vermont, we forget what town.

The Hard Times: Hey Mom! It’s me, how are you doing, how are things?
Mom: Well Hi! Haven’t heard from you in a while, how are you? What can I do for you?
Not much, just wanted to check up on you. See how things are. I love you!
Oh, I get it. How much do you need?
How much? Oh, you mean money? Mom, come on, I just wanted to talk to you!
Well that’s a surprise, you know you didn’t come home for Aunt Libby’s funeral. Didn’t even call.
What? I thought I did. I called, I’m sure I did. Anyway, how’s Dad?
He’s getting worse, not sure how much time he has left. Would you like me to put him on? He’s right here.
Nah, that’s okay! Just tell him I say hello.
He’s right next to me, you’re on speaker, you can tell him yourself.
No, that’s fine! I don’t want to bother him.
Well, I’m glad you called, it has been a while.
Totally! Yeah I’ve just been busy with like, stuff.
I could use someone to talk to, I’ve been having a pretty rough time lately. Between looking after your father and Libby’s funeral and the quarantine, you know because of my asthma I’ve barely left the house since this whole thing…
Actually speaking of money, I mean like just, since you mentioned it…

At this point, mom’s phone must have ran out of battery, because the call disconnected. Although she almost caught us, we are confident the check is in the mail. We plan on scheduling an awkward follow-up interview next month when we move back home, and tell ourselves it’s “to take care of her.”

Seventh Hour of Bad Trip Actually Only Five Minutes In

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

EAST LANSING, Mich. — Reports show that despite the acid you took having kicked in only five minutes ago, you have somehow been absolutely losing your goddamn mind for the past seven hours.

“I don’t want to be a frog,” you attempted to say to your friends no less than two dozen times as they watched you hyperventilate and rub the carpet, your Adam’s apple bobbing in your throat, unaware that you have at least eight far more intense hours to look forward to. “Oh God, please, I don’t want to be a frog. Get me out of here, get me out of this pot, it’s boiling, I can’t breathe, it’s too hot, oh God, oh God, I can’t breathe because of the commercial, you know the commercials? You have to get to work.”

The reactions of your friends have ranged from concerned to wildly amused to deeply annoyed.

“Well, they said they could handle it,” said your friend who gave you the window pane and repeatedly asked that you just imagine a nice dog you like, or that you’re in a giant field where you won’t run into any cops or parents or teachers. “I only threw them a tab and a half, but apparently it was a little too much for them to actually swallow in one go. They’ll be fine, though, once they ride it out. This shit’s high quality, definitely not some random research chemical. I know the chemist personally. They’ll be fine. I’m just glad I won’t be around them three to six hours from now.”

Your housemate, however, is less than amused.

“You’re just going to feed some kid who’s only ever done a couple ounces of Cubensis the purest LSD you could find on campus, the night before some of us work, just for shits and giggles to see what happens?” your friend stated, while cleaning up three abandoned attempts at making Kool Aid in your shared kitchen. “What the fuck is wrong with you people? I hate this house. I really fucking hate it here. It’s just one long jaunt after another. ”

At press time, the walls are continuing to pulsate a dim, foggy color as you fell through an endless white void and slipped in and out of linear time.

Seventh Hour of Bad Trip Actually Only Five Minutes In

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

EAST LANSING, Mich. — Reports show that despite the acid you took having kicked in only five minutes ago, you have somehow been absolutely losing your goddamn mind for the past seven hours.

“I don’t want to be a frog,” you attempted to say to your friends no less than two dozen times as they watched you hyperventilate and rub the carpet, your Adam’s apple bobbing in your throat, unaware that you have at least eight far more intense hours to look forward to. “Oh God, please, I don’t want to be a frog. Get me out of here, get me out of this pot, it’s boiling, I can’t breathe, it’s too hot, oh God, oh God, I can’t breathe because of the commercial, you know the commercials? You have to get to work.”

The reactions of your friends have ranged from concerned to wildly amused to deeply annoyed.

“Well, they said they could handle it,” said your friend who gave you the window pane and repeatedly asked that you just imagine a nice dog you like, or that you’re in a giant field where you won’t run into any cops or parents or teachers. “I only threw them a tab and a half, but apparently it was a little too much for them to actually swallow in one go. They’ll be fine, though, once they ride it out. This shit’s high quality, definitely not some random research chemical. I know the chemist personally. They’ll be fine. I’m just glad I won’t be around them three to six hours from now.”

Your housemate, however, is less than amused.

“You’re just going to feed some kid who’s only ever done a couple ounces of Cubensis the purest LSD you could find on campus, the night before some of us work, just for shits and giggles to see what happens?” your friend stated, while cleaning up three abandoned attempts at making Kool Aid in your shared kitchen. “What the fuck is wrong with you people? I hate this house. I really fucking hate it here. It’s just one long jaunt after another. ”

At press time, the walls are continuing to pulsate a dim, foggy color as you fell through an endless white void and slipped in and out of linear time.

The Next Henry Rollins? This Refrigerator Covered in Magnet Poetry Just Folded It’s Arms

Posted on by Dan Rice

In the pantheon of Hardcore elder statesmen, Henry Rollins reigns supreme. As a frontman, actor, speaker, director, radio host, and television personality Rollins has arguably made the largest cultural impact by a frequently shirtless singer since Iggy Pop.

But who will act as a surrogate father figure to angry gym bros who read and say things like “I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said” when he is gone? Look no further than a punk house refrigerator in the Logan Square area of Chicago.

When the members of Godcunt noticed that their magnet poetry and radical activism pamphlet covered refrigerator had folded its arms defensively, they knew they were looking at the next custodian of the Henry Rollins mantle.

The similarities between the two don’t end at intimidation and angst-driven poetry either. Let’s break it down:

Attitude
With its folded arms, dedication to wordcraft and various political pamphlets magnetized to its chest this refrigerator instantly fills you with a sense of “I respect you and agree with you on a lot of things, but I will always find you off-putting in a way I can never fully shake.” Sounds like a certain former singer for Black Flag to me!

Clothing
Godcunt’s refrigerator is white with some wear and tear, but the smaller freezer section on the bottom had its door broken and was replaced with a black one. In other words no shirt, black shorts.

Acting chops
The fridge has never actually done any acting, but it does have a certain magnanimous something-something. You can definitely picture it giving Will Smith and Martin Lawrence the business in a quick Bad Boys cameo.

Mostly vegan
It’s always got some bacon in the back and some guilty pleasure frozen buffalo wings in the freezer but other than that all good stuff.

Kudos to Godcunt on such an important discovery, and good luck on your path to punk integrity greatness refrigerator! If all goes well in 20 years’ time we’ll be seeing you at a small theater doing spoken word about how much you loved pussy as a teenager!

Tribute Band More of an Insult Band

Posted on by Brooks Gray

CINCINNATI — Red Hot Chili Peppers tribute band, Los Jalapenos, vow to press on with their tri-state tour despite low attendance, scathing reviews, and looming legal problems, sources confirmed.

“We believe that we’ll find our audience if we keep putting out love and good vibes just like our spirit animals, Anthony Kiedis, Flea, Chad Smith, John Frusciante and Dave Navarro,” said frontman Sarkis Adamyan, who founded the group in 2008 with his brother. “It’s just tough for us to find our groove when audience members start booing us immediately. I mean yeah, we aren’t as in shape as the real Peps. We haven’t actually mastered our instruments. But we play with the same intensity.”

“Look and see I think you’ll agree; Nobody weird like me; Intercourse with a porpoise is a dream for me; Hell bent on inventing a new species!” he added doing his best impression of Anthony Kiedis.

Los Jalapenos promotional materials describe the live show as “a funk-tastic journey through the Pepperverse” but ticket sales have been practically non-existent on their current tour, according to sources.

“I always liked the Chili Peppers so I took my girlfriend to the jalapeno [sic] show, but we were the only ones there,” said college senior Ernest Mendoza. “They come on stage naked with socks on their dicks and not to body shame anyone, but after about thirty seconds we were like ‘fuck, put some clothes on.’ It also seemed like the guitar player wasn’t plugged in for most of the show. Hearing their shitty versions of ‘Under the Bridge’ and ‘Give it Away’ made me throw out the Chili Peppers album I owned, and I found a way to block them from popping up on Spotify.”

Representatives for the Red Hot Chili Peppers say they are aware of Los Jalapenos and are preparing a lawsuit,

“It has come to our attention that the bass player for Los Jalapenos, Yervant Adamyan, has on multiple occasions tried to pass himself off as Flea in public and online which has had a negative impact on Flea and his family, and has caused material harm to the RHCP brand,” said Jennifer Setiawan, Flea’s personal attorney. “We have sent Mr. Adamyan a cease and desist letter to demand that he delete all of his ‘Flea’ themed social media accounts, and strongly urge that Mr. Adamyan no longer perform as ‘Flea’ in Los Jalapenos, or in any other so-called ‘tribute band,’ or legal action will be taken.”

At press time, sources say the Adamyan brothers have been arrested and charged with indecent exposure after a performance at Dale’s Sports Bar & Grill in Hamilton, Ohio.

Former ’90s School Bully Amazed What Losers Can Get Away With Now

Posted on by Tyler Roland

WINNETKA, Ill. — New Trier High School bully from the class of 1997, Al Edwin, is amazed at what losers and lame motherfuckers can get away with in 2022, according to sources.

“Back in ‘95, ‘96, I was king of the hallways,” Edwin boasted. “Any weakling, regardless of looks or attitude, was subjected to these hands, their books thrown to the ground, and told to suck my dick loud enough for me to get after school suspension. Now, the kids are getting way more uncool and nothing is being done about it. My nephew showed me some pictures of him and his friends… I would’ve shoved them all into a locker on sight. Turns out righteous abuse is a thing of the past and they can walk around liking themselves and enjoying things that interest them? What a world.”

Daniel Dustin, a friend of Edwin’s nephew set to graduate high school this year, feels relieved that he was born in the “right generation.”

“Yeah, I don’t live in a perfect world, but I can get away with a lot as far as old-timey, 90s movie bullies go,” he stated. “My hair is dyed light blue and my nails are painted. I have ear piercings and anime pins on my backpack. I dress however I like. I’m openly bisexual. Sure, I might get strange looks from the more mainstream kids, but my friends and I can do whatever we want without having to watch our backs for nine months and the only people who make us feel bad about ourselves are our parents.”

June Collins, a social worker specializing in the teenage population, is relieved to see the more accepting stance of recent years.

“My job was a lot tougher when I started out back in the early 2000s,” Collins recalled. “Losers had to look cool, be straight, and keep their heads down, and most of them were still beat up. Now, lame kids snicker whenever they even hear the words ‘bully’ and ‘bullying,’ and the super nerds who know how crypto works are almost even celebrated. That’s a huge step forward. At this rate, we’re going to see more high schoolers signing up for musicals than for football teams by 2034.”

At press time, Edwin was eating his lunch alone in a bathroom stall after the youngest of his coworkers encouraged him to “share what’s going on.”

Descendents Box Set Unearths Lengthy, 19 Second Version of “I Like Food”

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — A new Descendents box set is exciting fans with never-before-heard songs and lost recordings including a version of “I Like Food” that clocks in at a whopping 19 seconds, multiple sources confirmed.

“Whoa, I forgot all about this take. Man, we would get so lost in the cosmic space of a song back then,” commented Descendents songwriter/drummer Bill Stevenson. “We wanted to draw a song out and follow it down whatever twisting path it took. Sure we were scared, but we were also young and the acid was good. But our fans were living hard and fast, and we knew we had to cut it down for the record. If you don’t expect to live to be 28, you don’t have time for this level of indulgence.”

Band archivist Phil Evans, who discovered the discarded outtake, points to the longer version of “Food” as a signal to the band’s eventual experimentation with song runtimes of up to two minutes.

“There’s no way these guys develop the chops for a 40-second masterpiece like ‘I Wanna Be A Bear,’ or the 115 seconds of pure improvisation that gave us ‘I’m Not A Loser,’ without this initial odyssean foray into the 16th second of ‘I.L.F.’” said an excited Evans. “When they hit the third bar, you can actually hear Milo, off-mic, yelling ‘Keep playing!’ I don’t think any of them imagined they’d go as deep into the jam as they did though. I mean, seconds 17, 18, and 19 are pretty fuckin’ trippy.”

However, not all fans are embracing the extended cut of the song.

“This is bullshit,” writes music journalist Mimi Clarke. “This boomer-era, directionless noodling is exactly why I rejected my parents’ music and turned to bands like Descendents in the first place. If I want to watch someone jerk off their guitar, I’ll go see Clapton. This meandering, excessive take of ‘I Like Food’ is sure to leave fans of their early work overstuffed, and pining for the Descendents who gave us indelible hits like ‘All’: one word, one second long. Everything a song needs to be, without the empty calories.”

As of press time, Descendents superfans continue to campaign for the release of a shelved version of “Hope” that is rumored to contain even more misogyny.