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Punk Kid Turns 50

FANWOOD, N.J. — Self-described punk kid Scott “Snotski” Tamaro turned 50 this week, shocking both friends and family yet again with his inability to use a more age-appropriate identifier, local sources reported.

“Us punk kids got to tear it up and let the new jacks know what’s up,” Tamaro declared while adding a new pair of Dr. Scholl’s orthotic inserts to his slip-on Vans. “Being a punk kid isn’t about arch support or how many candles there are on a cake or even how many times the barista has to yell ‘sir’ before you realize he’s talking to you. It transcends age, I don’t care how much my primary care physician disagrees or begs me to ‘start taking this seriously.’”

Tamaro celebrates this milestone birthday with his wife and former Debased Youth bandmate Christine Sheridan-Tamaro, who was unfazed by her husband’s relaxed attitude towards aging and the parameters of punk.

“Scott’s never really updated how he perceives himself. He’s still the same guy I married and certainly realizes he’s an adult, or at least can be tried as one,” Sheridan-Tamaro offered. “How many punk ’kids’ do you know with a mortgage and a lot of opinions about craft beer? I unfortunately know at least eight, but our friend group hasn’t expanded much since 1997.”

Tamaro’s longtime family physician Dr. Russell Webb has observed a growing pattern among adults with roots in the punk scene to play down their age or ignore it completely.

“It’s certainly odd hearing someone refer to themselves as a punk ‘kid’ when they’ve just egregiously dad-joked that their 401k looks more like a 101k,” claims Webb. “But we’re seeing more and more older punks do this, even the so-called ‘angry youth’ that are grayer than Michael McDonald and can maintain hour-long conversations about the benefits of Costco. He keeps saying he’s a kid on the street but in reality, he’s a grown man on a very well-kept cul-de-sac.”

Tamaro was last seen spending his birthday at his rolltop desk chanting “if the kids are united, they will never be divided!” before purchasing a sensible beard trimmer on Groupon.