Spotify abuses musicians in myriad ways. Underpaying artists, devaluing music, and gatekeeping playlists are only some of the ways the streaming giant keeps musicians in the struggle. But the most insidious way is creating a class system wherein artists with more than 1,000 plays get to proudly display their view counts while those with fewer look like goddamn amateur hour. My band faces this problem ourselves because of 22 distinct reasons.
Our Bassist Dave Didn’t Regram the Band’s Post
What the fuck, Dave? Aren’t you proud of these songs? I mean sure, we overdubbed all of your bass parts and vocals. And we also changed your lyrics. But come on, be a team player.
Reverse Racism
Everyone in our band is white, and we are tired of apologizing. Literally. We spend the first 10 minutes of every set apologizing for this fact.
We’re in the Worst Timeline
In any other timeline, we’d be Nirvana level successful, according to my roommate who just got a pack of tarot cards.
Our Drummer has Fucked and Ghosted Every Possible Fan
He said that this was a form of “networking” but while he draws a large crowd to each show, they’re only there to yell at him while he loads in. They never buy tickets and I doubt they are streaming the EP.
Attachment Issues
No one in our band has secure attachment styles. I’m not a licensed professional, but I did drop out of an introductory psych class in high school. This certainly hurts our chances to get placed on the big Spotify playlists.
Our Keyboardist Won’t Quit his Day Job
Sure he has a really nice job at a consulting firm and buys our gear for us, but it’s time to commit. We’re going places, with or without him.
It’s a Bug
Computer programming is difficult. I remember how long it took me to nail the CSS on my MySpace page, so it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Spotify was full of bugs and not correctly displaying our songs’ play counts.
Our Parents didn’t Support our Music
It’s tough to make it when you have absolutely no support from your parents. Mine always nagged me with quips like “Get a real job!” and “Your hair is on fire!” but never compliments about my music.
But Also, Our Parents Supported our Music too Much
But then they would do annoying stuff like show up to my shows and yell out “Woo hoo!” and clap excitedly right in front of the stage and buy me new guitars and pedals. Everyone knows you can’t make it in punk if you are coddled like some premature baby.
Our Friends are Bastards
I’ve always suspected that my friends hated me. This only confirms the nasty truth- they all want to see me fail and go back to my boring day job as an EMT so I can “feed and clothe my daughter.”
Mick’s Girlfriend
She always just sits there, working the merch table and saying we “sounded great.” What do you really mean by that, Mick’s girlfriend?
COVID-19 has Severely Limited Peoples’ Abilities to Stream
The global coronavirus pandemic severely limited peoples’ abilities to go out with friends and stream music together. I’m starting to regret spending 5 years writing and releasing our first EP. Had it come out in 2019, things would be different. Damn COVID.
Spotify is Lying and Afraid We’ll Make it TOO Big
Spotify themselves could be throttling our band out of fear that demand for our tunes will crash the servers. Honestly, that’s fair. I’d be scared too if I were them.
False Embezzlement Allegations Against our Band
They say that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, but I’m not so sure. Just because 3 of 4 members of our band work at the same Build-A-Bear Workshop, and that store has been mysteriously hemorrhaging money at an unsustainable clip doesn’t mean it’s our fault.
Free Speech is Gone in America
Everyone is saying it: Joe Rogan, Dave Chappelle, and other famous assholes agree that our First Amendment rights are being infringed upon. Maybe the SJWs are worried that our truth bomb lyrics about our exgirlfriends will cause some kind of mass hysteria?
The Old Witch in the Woods’ Curse Turned Out to be True
I already said that I’m sorry, Grimelda. I didn’t mean to run over your cats with my dirtbike but please, lift the curse preventing me from attaining musical glory.
Our Band Name is Completely Unsearchable
Typing in our band name, which is three semicolons followed by a backslash (pronounced Sigmund Floyd) returns a HTTP 503 error instead of our artist page. Another example of limitations on free speech?
Nancy Pelosi
I thought things couldn’t get any worse when Nancy Pelosi took a knee in a kente cloth, but this is getting ridiculous.
The Songs are Too Good
Sometimes good art scares people. It challenges them. It shifts the culture in ways that the people aren’t prepared for. I guess I can take solace in the fact that my work will be appreciated more after my death.
Supply Chain Shortages
The economy has been thrown into a state of absolute disarray with the global supply crisis. Maybe a bunch of our streams are currently stalled on some boat out in the ocean near Los Angeles?
Wind
It’s been really windy lately and I can’t help but think it’s a factor.